Sacramento Police, already dazed from several alien flying saucer invasion investigations, are chasing down a "junk food crazed BigFoot" which raided a local high school this week.
"Apparently two naughty students at the high school illegally fed a wandering BigFoot a gigantic bag of glow-in-the-dark orange cheese puffs, you know, the large bag 80 ounces for 89 cents stuff... I'm getting hungry just thinking about 'em! We think the 538 color-dyes used in this fine food product caused the Sasquatch to lose his mind - - these hairy beasts are highly sensitive to tasty snack food additives", said an animal control officer, munching on a box of fluorescent grape-avocado licorice whips.
According to the sorry students, sorry because they are in school detention hall for the next 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days, the fanatical Sasquatch "Went, like, totally nuts! He ate all the cheese puffs in, like, 2 seconds, and then, like, wanted more! We, like, threw him the empty bag and he ate that too! We escaped by climbing on a school gate and texting our best friends over and over again just because we could!" The BigFoot, distracted by the smell of pork rinds, ran off in pursuit of his next junk food meal.
University of Caulyfornia acting up at Davis (UC Davis) junk food expert Putrick Derhamineggs warned the public, "Look, we're not supposed to feed the bears or gerbils, right? We're not supposed to feed the BigFoots either! Giving a Sasquatch tasty junk food is a recipe for mayhem, chaos, plunging stock markets and, eventually, severe environmental waste material disposal problems. Don't do it! Feed the ape-men raw tofu and organic bean sprouts... it helps their digestion. Hey, does anyone have any SlimJims around here? I'm starving!"
