Sunday, August 20, 2017

BigFoot PANIC in Point Reyes!

Coastal Sasquatch Ruins Pt. Reyes. Oysters. Banana Slugs. Tourism Trashed!

Sasquatch + Oysters + Banana Slugs don't mix, as the retched residents in the Pt. Reyes area learned last week. Stinson Beach locals are still recovering from a revolting visitation from a raw oyster and banana slug eating hairy hominid.
And Banana Slugs! Don't Forget Bigfoots!
"These animals have no gastrointestinal reservations!" said a local purveyor of slightly aged oysters on the half-shell, "That big ape gobbled up my entire stash of sort-of-fresh salt-water bivalve molluscs. The beast looked food-coma happy but strange sounds were emitting from his belly. It was gross".
What's For Dinner? Yum Yum a la Sasquatch.
What came next is hard to stomach. Queasy people should stop reading this eye-witness account now. For dessert, the same simian gorged on glistening banana slugs. Banana slugs are the largest slimy slugs in North America. They are a bright yellow. Normally such a color would be a dead giveaway to predators, and banana slugs should have quickly gone extinct a long time ago. But cleverly, the wily banana slug eats the most nasty, grossest, collection of bottom feeding excretions in the known world. This renders the taste of a banana slug truly repulsive. Only a real idiot would eat one. This particular Sasquatch appears to be one of them.
Bigfoot Indigestion. Slugs and Oysters don't mix.
The Pt. Reyes Sasquatch was last seen stumbling back into the forest, a look of dire dyspepsia written upon it's frowning furry face. Park Rangers are frantically counting the remaining Banana Slugs in the area. "Banana Slugs are an endangered species" said one slimed ranger, "Stupid UC Santa Cruz students keep stealing them. They stick them into dorm-food chili-night pots to freak out the freshman. Rumor has it that UC Santa Cruze dorm food actually tastes better with a dash of banana slug meat added...."

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Sasquatch Fears During Solar Eclipse!

The Solar Eclipse and Sasquatch. 

Scientists Shivering Over Sasquatch Reactions to Solar Eclipse.

Bigfoot Research Opportunity of a Lifetime!

Will Bigfoots Go MAD During the Solar Eclipse?

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Brazos River Bigfoot Sighting! Texas Sized Sasquatch Troubles!

Brazos River Bigfoot Fiend Louses Local Nature Preserve!

Texas is being terrorized by a vandalizing nasty simian brute sighted along the Brazos River, near the formerly sedate town of Richmond.

"Our precious semi-natural wetlands preserve has been smashed and contaminated by a rare Gigantopithicus Revoltus", said Richmond Mayor Snevylin Smoore, "By the way, we're looking for a new Animal Control Officer. You know anyone? Experience not required. The last guy - -  he saw the large foot-prints and amazing excretory piles left behind by that ape-man and fainted!"
Sasquatch caught by a remote camera along the Brazos River. It has poor personal hygiene habits. 
Sightings of the creature were captured by remote cameras set up by the local MUD district. "We were looking for idiot teenagers drinking beer and smoking weed",  said a MUD manager, "but we never caught 'em, we forgot to put batteries in the cameras. BUT once we figured that part out, these amazing mysterious photos of a Sasquatch beast showed up. We saw his disgusting casual personal toilet habits up close and personal. It was horrible. I'm in therapy now trying to forget it all".

"Ah, My Bad!" Brazos River Bigfoot admits to polluting the Hilmar Moore Nature Preserve, located at formerly scenic Fort Bend County MUD 140.
"On a scale of one to ten, this bigfoot contamination event is a sixteen", said a mysterious visitor wearing a burnt orange biohazard suit in the forbidden zone, "This muck makes Chernobyl look like a cake walk."

'Squatch Cam' Captures Cute Cuddly Selfie Close-up of Bonafide Brazos Ape Beast.
Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute bored of directors, is convinced there is an evil bigfoot conspiracy at work - -  involving bovines. "You'd think that a 'squatch disaster of this scale would reveal tons of Bigfoot DNA! But there is none to be found. Mysterious men in burnt orange biohazard suits landed in helicopters with long-horn decals and quarantined the area, removing suspect fecal matter, hair, and other nasty Sasquatch evidence. Plausible deniability? Evil is at work. EEEEEEVIL!"

"The clues add up. We know that evil University of Texas at Austin graduate students conducted an illegal and unauthorized rain bomb weather experiment over Texas A&M in College Station last year. They screwed up, of course, and we know that the resulting deluge and flood swamped the Brazos River all the way down to Freeport. We know that numerous obnoxious river critters, including poisonous savage snakes, aggressive alligators, woolly wild hogs, smelly skunks, AND reclusive feral Bigfoots were displaced by the rising water and were forced to seek refuge in the many local Sugar Land area precious planned communities conveniently located 50 feet below the historic flood plain."

"We KNOW these evil things! But did we know that a typical UT graduate student looks and behaves like a Sasquatch? They DO! Connect the dots! We must all be Texas A&M Aggies now - - and saw off the horns of EVIL!". BEVO's spokespersons refused to comment on this amazing true fake news.

Bigfoot in Texas: Fort Bend County is located on the far southwest side of Planet Houston, a huge orb extending thousands of miles in all directions, especially during rush hour. Numerous Bigfoot sightings along the Brazos River have been reported for years. It's suspected that the wild Sasquatch population is attracted to the area by a string of Whattaburger dumpsters in the area, as rancid french fries are a coveted food item.

Bigfoot spotted at Brazos River - - Texas nature trail shuts down in panic!

Rare Sasquatch Snowstorm in Houston Brings out Bothersome BigFoots!

Sasquatch Terrorizes Brazos River Texas!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Squaw Valley Sasquatch PROOF!

Sasquatch Sighting in Squaw Valley! Skiers Shocked Silly! 

Record Sierra Nevada Snow blamed for Bigfoot Appearance! 

Squaw Valley, California - - Despite efforts by Russian Spies to suppress news of a recent Sasquatch sighting in Squaw Valley, our intrepid Institute and dedicated purveyor of NOT FAKE BIGFOOT NEWS has uncovered photographic Sasquatch evidence and statements from bonafide eye witnesses.

Befuddled Bigfoot looking for frozen cheese whiz snacks.
 "A Sasquatch at Squaw Valley is squalid, seriously", said a full-time professional apres-ski instructor, "to be fleecing these amateurs out of their treasure with over-priced hot toddy drinks was a good gig. Beat working for a living! Then this nasty beast shows up and scares everyone off! Bad for business."

Sasquatch roaming Squaw Valley.
Dr. Karl Blinng, the most honored Director of the prestigious YETI-not-SETI Institute for the lucrative study of cryptozoological beasties, found the recent Squaw Valley sightings to be chilling. "I'm CHILL. I authorized the expenditure of $3,000 for these Squaw Valley photos! I have a team of unpaid interns combing the area for Bigfoot droppings and other evidence of their nasty DNA. Heck, people comb icy wastelands for mere meteoroids. FOOLS! We're going for Sasquatchoids. When we find them, my life's work will be fulfilled. Ah, not mention I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Then, at last, I'll have the financial means to finally take over the world. Boohahahahahahahaha. Cough!"

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Sasquatch Sighting in Yosemite Valley!

Bad Boy Bigfoot Spotted - - Looking For Trouble In Yosemite Valley!

A horrible hominid was sighted in Yosemite National Park this Easter Weekend. Rangers cleared the area of pesky tourists, but are not going to search for the wild animal. "Are you crazy?", said a Park Ranger, "Those Bigfoot beasts stink to high heaven. We're not equipped with proper air filtration equipment. It would be a safety disaster if we tried. Our hope is that the beast will grow bored of the valley floor and search for a Burger King dumpster outside of the park instead."                    
Sasquatch Simian spotted in Yosemite.
Bigfoot Bother: Actual photo taken by trembling tourist.

Dr. Blinng of the Yeti Not Seti Institute was elated. "I'm elated, not concerned. Yosemite Valley attracts all sorts of disgusting day-trippers. Plebs. Now with this new Sasquatch scare, I might finally be able to find a parking spot!"

Yosemite Valley has been hit by Bigfoot raids before:

Yosemite has issues.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Bigfoot Trashes Research Laboratory!

No Nobel Prize for Science This Year:

Frozen Sasquatch Escapes Prestigious Cryptozoology Laboratory!

A heavy, hairy, harrowing blow was struck against pseudo-science this week when an authentic, bonafide, we-kid-you-not Sasquatch specimen was accidentally defrosted at the prestigious SCRAPPS San Diego research center, resulting in the only know living specimen of Gigantopithicus Revoltus Revoltus escaping into the badlands of San Diego.
When the lab freezer temperature accidentally reached 0 degrees Celsius very bad things began to happen.
"It was an intern undergrad student that screwed up. Typical!", said a senior researcher at the SCRAPPS Centre for Advanced Tepid Temperature Fusion Research lab, SCATT. "I advised the executive research committee to start hiring real graduate students... they work cheap, they follow orders, and they don't complain. But No! They didn't listen. Oh, we took precautions. We knew from prior research that Cold Fusion wasn't the right approach. But Tepid Fusion, ah... that had promise, based on the data. The Sasquatch was our missing link to success. But NOW look what happened. Our meal-ticket to Scientific Stardom and Nobel Prize Easy Street just walked out the door! Excuse me, I have to write another demeaning research grant proposal now, sigh."
Caught on Camera: Defrosted Sasquatch Terrorizes Tepid-Fusion Research Laboratory.
San Diego's hard-pressed police are on double watch, as in Bay Watch. "Yeah, we don't do much on land, we tend to focus on the beaches and salt water.", said an officer. "Them Ancient Alien Ape-Men types just don't like to stick around the beach much. They're scared silly of them large ocean fishes pooping in the water. That beast is long gone and headed to Amarillo."
Defrosting Bigfoot Lab Escapee Stumbling on SCRAPPS Pier. 
Karl Blinng, Ph.D. and Director of the prestigious YET NOT SETI Institute in semi-serious Yuba City, California, was highly disappointed. "I'm highly disappointed from the untimely defrosting and escape of that precious simian sample.", said Blinng. "I had $3,000 in real Venezuelan Bolivars ready to give the SCRAPPS Research Institute for the hairy beast. This time I was sure I wasn't being set up for yet another expensive rubberized Sasquatch joke... scientists don't have much of a sense of humor, you know. So close.... we must find that beast!"

BigFoot Spotted at Top Secret National Laboratory - - Sparks Sasquatch Security Search.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Bigfoot Spotted in Coconino National Forest.

Sasquatch Sighted in Coconino National Forest! Locals go Loco.

Arizona's Oak Creek Canyon has been hit with yet another revolting and regrettable Bigfoot scare, as a lone Sasquatch was spotted loitering around the Call of the Canyon West Fork trail in Coconino National Forest.

"Dag gum it, it was totally Cuckoo in Coconino last week!", said an craggy canyon denizen old timer, "There I was, fixin' to go into that dern canyon gulch and catch me some rattlesnake fricassee, when that hairy critter ran right past me. Scared me and my mule near to death! I called it a day and went to Sedona for fish tacos instead."
Sullen Sasquatch at West Fork Trail Head. 
Coconino Forest Federales remain quiet about the incident. "We know nothing, nothing!" said a local ranger. "We're monitoring the situation.... behind locked doors and armed with really nasty paint ball guns in case the beast returns. OK, it'd help if we had real guns, nets, and rancid food bait... we could organize a posse and catch the beast. But we don't want to frighten them pacifistic lucrative mystical crystal vortex suckers, er tourists. Those fools pay top dollar, believe me!" 
Bigfoot rummaging in Coconino.
Erk Holohead, a bored of director member* of the world famous YETI not SETI Institute in semi-picturesque Yuba City, was highly perplexed. "I'm highly perplexed!", said Erk, "Perplexity in the universe happens all the time, specially when it involves Calculus crunching and Silly-String-Theory stuff. But this Bigfoot sighting in Oak Creek Canyon's Coconino National Forest is really perplexing." 

"A similar beast was spotted earlier this year in the exact same area. Coincidence? I think not! How did the Bigfoot beast get there? Why did it return? When will it go away? Where is the beast's scat droppings? Who really cares? I smell a Sasquatch conspiracy, among other things. These are all questions which demand answers, darn it!"

*Mr. Holohead paid his $25.00 BOD BYOB Institute membership fee last month. But he still owes the Institute funds for unexplained travel and entertainment expenses in Macau and Las Vegas.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Spiny Sasquatch Sighting at Joshua Trees National Momument!

Feral Bigfoot Beast Spotted Wandering Southern California Desert!

Tourists and covert cactus thieves at Joshua Trees National Monument were shocked this week when a Bigfoot sauntered into their spiky cactus wonderland.  
Bigfoot in the Desert: "I thought it was a guy in a alien monkey suit - - a bad actor in a low-budget science fiction movie."
"Honestly I thought we'd blundered into a Hollywood remake of Lost In Space, Star Trek, or The Sound Of Music when I saw the beast move across our path", confessed one shaken tourist. "But then that nasty ape-man decided to relieve himself against an innocent Joshua Tree. That poor cactus started looking very, very sick, very, very quickly. That's when I knew that hairy primate was no actor! Oh, and the horde of flies that kept following him around was another malevolent clue. Retched. I could use a Sasquatch safe space and a couple of whiskey shots right now."
Sasquatch scaring horrified hikers: "It was really, really ugly! Worse than a snake bite! Worse than Finals!"
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the highly leveraged YETI NOT SETI Institute in prissy but pristine Yuba City, California, was frustrated. 

"I'm frustrated. I modestly submitted my exulted name and script to be a super-special guest star on the new Star Trek TV show and suggested they do my awesome script. It'd make a great episode. See, I save the crew of the Enterprise from an evil, smelly, nasty Bigfoot on an alien planet that looks just like Joshua Trees National Monument or Miami Beach. I liked the Miami Beach idea best of all, as I get to sip margaritas on set and Uhura will be in a bikini. 

But those Hollywood morons turned me down! Idiots. But now here they go, stealing my idea and hiring some nobody Sasquatch with extremely rude public manners. I'll get my revenge, you'll see. We talented acting proteges know it takes time to be recognized for our supremely superior talents and abilities."

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Florida Cat 'Squatch! Clueless Kitty Crushed by Bigfoot's Foot!

Croaked Cat Crushed by Massive Sasquatch Pedibus. Cat Crushing Caught on Kat Kam!

South Florida residents are aghast at the tragic death of a sweet little kitty-cat named 'Fluffles' at the hands, er feet, of a clumsy feral Sasquatch.

"That croaked cat was completely crushed  - - as flat as a feline pancake", said a Dade County Sheriff Deputy on the scene. "At first we suspected the usual Everglades culprits. You know... wild boa constrictors as big as a barn, savage poodle eating alligators and other cuddly swamp critters, but the Kat-Kam on that pussycat settled the issue... it was a wild Bigfoot that done the dirty deed!"

Last image from the Kitty-Kam on Fluffles neck before it was Cat 'Squashed.
Crying Cat Owners in Shock - - Pussys taken off the streets!

A general alert has been announced for South Florida from Key West to Palm Beach - - take your Cats and put them inside. "We just don't know when another Bigfoot will crush a feline. Take your little irritating yappy dogs inside too... on second thought, don't bother!" announced the Monroe County Emergency Management Department.

Sasquatch victim Fluffles the cat has been Memorialized on a public Clock Tower in Touristy Tavernier, Florida.
Brucellosis Hail, a local Florida Keys denizen who commutes between the San Francisco Bay Area and Florida ("I go to South Florida during the summer, because I like Heat, Humidity, Hurricanes and Zika!"), was able to view the Kat-Kam images from Fluffles big adventure after the cat was flattened. "No doubt about it, said Brucellosis, "A Florida Sasquatch crunched that kitty... looked like a tank rolled over it!" Mr. Hail is under serious consideration for being nominated to the YETI NOT SETI Institute Bored of Directors, once his long-promised check arrives in the mail and finally clears the bank this time. 

Erk Holohead, a bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, has a South Florida observation. "I lived in Miami for a few years... I saw everything... Miami Vice disruptions, a thousand varieties of pointy Palm Trees, escaped pet parrots, Little Havana hysterias, and sullen swampy Sasquatches. The way people drove on the Dolphin Expressway was truly inspirational - - your life was in your hands. Many of those maniac drivers looked like scatter-brained Sasquatches. Miami Beach was stuffed full of them. The everglades are only a few miles to the west - - who knows how many Bigfoots are out there?  You know that demented columnist Dave Barry on the Miami Herald? He must be a bigfoot!"

In a public service, this seriously scientific crypto-zoological blog feels obliged to point out previous Sasquatch sightings in Florida. We'll remove these links if the Florida Tourist Commission pays us the ransom demand we've sent them by registered mail:

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Bigfoot Sighting in Rocky Mountains!

Sasquatch Rocky Mountain High Terror:
Foolish Fly Fisherman Frantic from Foul Feral Fragrances!

A group of clueless California fly fishing fanatics in Colorado were horrified from a close encounter of the worst kind with a wild Sasquatch. The heavy consumption of legal cannabis while fly fishing is suspected as a prime cause of yet another Bigfoot fiasco. "That nasty bad beast robbed us, man! Took our trout. I think it did. Uh, wait....". The fishing victims were questioned by forest rangers, then released, as they appeared to stupid but harmless and posed no threat to other hallucinating pot-heads in the area.

One of the stoned anglers was able to take a rare photo of the elusive nasty Bigfoot beast before passing out:
Brazen Bigfoot Spotted at Rocky Mountain Stream by fisherman.
Colorado Park Rangers have released this sketched description of the Sasquatch suspect, as described by one of the Rocky Mountain high Fly Fisherman after the Bigfoot attack:
Stoned Fly Fisherman's description of the Bigfoot.
Dr. Blinng, Director of the impressive sounding YETI Not SETI Institute in picturesque Yuba City, California, was impressed. "I'm impressed! Those pot-head fly fishermen used large amounts of cannabis sativa to tie their precious fly-fishing hooks. What idiots. Everyone knows that the wily trout won't fall for that old trick!  You gotta tie a bottle of Jack Daniels to your fishing line. That and have a shotgun ready to go. Works every time!"

Speculation that the Colorado Sasquatch is actually a get-high-and-space-out nomad marijuana loving New Mexico Bigfoot tired of the Santa Fe artsy-fartsy scene is gaining serious support among Ancient Alien documentary intelligentsia. "Think about it.", said YETI not SETI bored of director Erk Holohead, "Ancient Alien theorists speculate on just about anything as long as they get paid for it! Sort of like us bonafide Sasquatch experts, only we don't get paid squat."