Sunday, April 22, 2018

Bigfoot Sighting near Panamá City! More Pánico in Panamá!

Tropical Terror Titillates Taboga - - Island Paradise Punctured by Sasquatch Appearance!

The formerly peaceful, slow-placed "Island of Flowers" offshore from Panama City has become the "island of weeds" after an aromatic Sasquatch was spotted roaming the streets of Isla Taboga during the normally sleepy, mellow, and placid middle of the week.
Terrified Taboga Tourists gaping at waving Sasquatch.
Lulu Lomax, an appalled touristic Aggie day-tripping eyewitness, couldn't believe her eyes. "I couldn't believe my eyes! Nor my brain either! Here we were enjoying a quiet stroll down a quiet street in Taboga, when a hairy apeman jumped in front of us and started waving like a maniac! Oh sure, it looked friendly enough for an attitude adjusted ape-monster, but it wanted our fried yucca chips. Making unhealthy food choices combined with bad hygiene.... that Sasquatch suffers from high cholesterol levels and evil body odor, poor brute."

Another Aggie visitor, Keeeener Kmesz, was calm but curious.... "I'd heard about Sasquatches from my family up in Montana. There's even an ancient rumor that one of my great-great-great-grandmothers was part Sasquatch. But I looked down upon such drivel, and never believed these crypto-creatures could exist, until today. I've seen the furry beast with my own eyes! I gonna change my major to biomedical crypto-zoololgy... this is cool, I think? I hope it pays? Oh, make sure the 'K' is silent in my last name when you write your world-scoop news story."
Only mad dogs and bigfoots go out in the mid-day sun. 
The siesta hour mean streets of Taboga quickly emptied of formerly relaxed people, indifferent dogs, calm cats, and confused chickens as word spread of the amazingly sanguine Sasquatch Sighting.

Safety First? Sasquatch ignoring "PELIGRO WARNING: BIGFOOTS" signage at Restinga Beach. 
Erk Holohed, a member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, which is dedicated to the study of crypto-zoological creatures and the fleecing of unsuspecting Institutional investors, was not amused. "I'm not amused. This Bigfoot island attack hit too close to home. I was on Isla Taboga that same day, conducting an important experiment measuring the cumulative effects Cerveza Panamá, Ceviche, Patacones, Cerveza Panamá, and Seco have on the human brain. All paid for by a Federal Government research grant! Suckers. But that ape-beast almost ruined my experiment! Good thing I didn't include fried yucca chips in the dosage scheme."

Historical Bigfoot Sightings in Panamá:

Friday, April 13, 2018

Antipodal Sasquatch Attacks Again!

Agonizing Amazement in Antarctica! 'Snow Cone' Bigfoot Attacks Another Frozen Treat Research Center.

Just as an abnormally chill Antarctic scientific research community recovers from a incredible Bigfoot attack on a top secret Snow Cone R&D facility, another shockingly sickening simian raid has occurred on a Latin American funded raspao ice sourcing expedition.

"Si, I was there when the apeman attacked!", said a senior scientist from the Panama Raspao Technology and Optimization Project, POTRP - Proyecto de Optimización y Tecnología Raspao de Panamá. "It was horible, muy malo. We were sooooooo close to creating the perfect ice for raspao. This new ice would have revolutionized the domestic raspao industry. Now, disaster! This ape ruined everything. All is contaminated. Perhaps we can create better ice cubes for jugo de naranja y seco, but that is a sad consolation. Muy interesente, we found a unique form of yellow snow near the ruined raspao ice columns. It looks like limones. Tastes like papas fritas rancias. We will take this yellow snow sample back to Panamá and analyze it... we've found a formidable new raspao flavor!"
The Antarctic Sasquatch before his assault on massive raspao research ice columns.

Hairy Bigfoot contaminating precious Antarctic raspao ice columns. Months of research destroyed. 
Fortunately for the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE but unfortunately for our intrepid, trusting, but totally fooled unpaid intern, Jassyka Blinng once again experienced a shocking in-your-face and in-your-nose Antarctic Sasquatch sighting. "I can't believe it! After the earlier Bigfoot attack, I've been terribly traumatized. Now this new attack. Those clowns at the institute told me I'd have fun in the snow! They said there was a ski lodge here. What crooks! I'd sue that so-called 'Institute' for fraud if they had any funds."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Institute, was touchy and defensive about the decision to send an unpaid intern into such dangerous circumstances. "So I'm a bit touchy and defensive today, OK? My submitted expert article to Sasquatch Theoretical Journal was rejected, again. And hey, whoever said the pursuit of deep-freeze scientific knowledge was easy? Besides, Ms. Blinng signed a well-covered liability waiver before she left on that icy expedition. Legally, we're totally in the clear. Our lawyer Ricard Scheister assures me we'll beat any rap. Who wouldn't trust a lawyer named Scheister?"

Erk Holohed, a member of the institute's bored of directors, tweeted an unauthorized update on raspao - - "I love Raspao! Especially this new limón flavor. #yellowsnow".

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Antarctic Anarchy as Snowy Sasquatch Sighted!

Abominable Apeman Assaults Antarctic Research Project!
Frozen Anthropologists Astounded! 

Reports are thawing out that a recent Antarctica science research expedition was frozen into shock when an unwelcome Sasquatch disrupted a top-secret snow-cone R&D research project. "I was amazed when I saw the hairy creature!", said a member of the science team, "I froze solid in sheer fright from seeing the beast - - I was already semi-frostbit due to the generally miserable weather conditions.  When I signed up for this stupid expedition they said we're going to someplace warm and balmy. They meant the ice igloos we made for emergency shelters. Liars."
Antarctic Bigfoot caught on camera, marauding the unsuspecting snow-cone research center. 
Months of precious snow-cone R&D work was destroyed by the Bigfoot, or abandoned by the team as the area was hastily evacuated. "This rivals the Scott Expedition in terms of Antarctic disasters.", said a veteran snow-flake researcher, "Snow. Ice. Wind-Chill. Howling Gales. Snow. Untold Misery. Snow. Boring Food. Snow. And then Sasquatch - - that apeman was the straw that broke the penguin's back".
The beast traversing the ice fields after rampaging through the snow-cone R&D zone. 
The YETI Not SETI Institute was unlucky enough to have sent a naive but clueless laboratory intern on the ill-fated snow-cone expedition into the depths of Antarctica's frozen wastes. Jassyka Blinng survived the Sasquatch attack, but between sasquatch shock and frostbit fingers doctors say she may never be the same. She is considering changing her major to the study of hot, humid, hot, tropical rainforest Mollusca Gastropoda.

However, Jassyka was upbeat about the snow-cone expedition. "You know, even with the Antarctic Bigfoot nastiness and the loss of our research, we did discover a peculiar yellow snow in the area. It has a most interesting taste, sort of like rancid tater tots aren't. We've sampled this 'lemon' snow for further chemical analysis. The world may savor a novel new snow-cone flavor soon!"

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Caribbean Crazy Over Island Sasquatch Sighting!

Bigfoot Spotted on Grand Cayman Island - - Experts Shocked!

A sullen sub-tropical Sasquatch has been spotted mingling with oblivious tourists in George Town, Grand Cayman Island. Panic was avoided as tourists and locals thought the beast was part of a performing street artiste group. It was only when the animal upended a trash bin looking for stale sushi did people suspect this was no show.

Flummoxed local police authorities have been unable to capture the crafty creature. "Not much happens here on Grand Cayman in terms of your average criminal behavior", said an obsessed government spokesman, "Oh sure we get Yanks driving on the wrong side of the street. We get golf balls hitting luxury condominium windows.... and we get a lot of laundry business in our banks. We're proud of our financial industry... these banks have huge washing machines in the basement. They'll even offer free dry cleaning while you wait. Dollars, Pounds, Euros, Bolivares... it's all legit, I can assure you!"
Grand Cayman Sasquatch Sniffing for Stale Sushi.
The Sasquatch disappeared from the island after a day of balmy havoc and hissy fits. It's suspected the beast was a stowaway on one of the fleet of cruise ships which invade Grand Cayman on a daily basis. The local population is hoping he skulked aboard one of those ships.
Beastie Bigfoot Spotted on South Church Street. 
"Look, I was there when the bigfoot fiasco happened on Grand Cayman. This beast poses a real threat to global sushi shipping and the crazy cruise ship industry", said Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors of the SETI NOT YETI Institute in tropical Yuba City, California. "Those Bigfoots are mostly idiots. They have a brain the size of a walnut. If you can't expect a typical cruise ship tourist to get on the right shuttle craft back to their ship, how do you expect an Ape Man to do the same? They can't read! That Bigfoot could be anywhere in the world right now, terrorizing port after port. Imagine if it stowed away on a submarine? Egads."

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Cruise Ship Chaos from Bigfoot Sighting!

Bigfoot Stowaway on Caribbean Cruise Ship!

In a shocking development for the out-to-sea tourism industry, the real reason a cruise ship recently turned back to port was NOT a massive case of odoriferous passenger gastro-intestinal problems. Nor was the cancellation due to a lack of alcohol and clever towel sculptures on board. No!

We know the real reason. It's almost too shocking to tell the public. In fact, the truth would be irresponsible to share. This news can cause widespread panic!

OK, here's what happened:

A sneaky Sasquatch slipped on board a docked cruise ship in Texas, searching for random leftover chicken wings and flat beer. These ignorant beasts don't understand departure times, and this poor animal was trapped on board when the ship pulled away from port.

SOS! Sasquatch On Ship! 
Amazingly, the marooned bigfoot wasn't spotted until the third day of a seven day cruise by crew members. Whenever a passenger saw the Sasquatch, crew members nimbly explained that the hairy beast was an actor in costume preparing for the famous "Hollywood Regurgitated" Theme Show in the Star-Light Lounge later in the week.
Bigfoot - Master and Commander of Grand Cayman Harbor.
This alarming hairy situation was successfully kept secret for a few days. Since passengers were either happily inebriated, lost in the vast water park, bidding on famous knock-off paintings, or purchasing luxurious rubberized $300 arch-supports in the Spa, they were blissfully unaware of the furry flea-bitten danger in their midst. 
Concerned Cruise Ship Passengers attend Emergency Bigfoot Meeting. Free champagne for all. 
Eventually the nasty secret came out when the Sasquatch did a large belly flop into the main pool during a reggae jam. A memorable tidal wave and panic ensued at that point. Passengers where calmed by sugary adult beverages with fancy umbrellas stuck in them.
The famous masterpiece "Doggie Stairway to Heaven" on display in the art gallery was miraculously saved from malicious Sasquatch damage.
Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors for the YETI not SETI Institute in landlocked Yuba City, California, was an eyewitness to the stowaway bigfoot. "It was horrible. Knowing that you're trapped on a ship with 2,000 drunk fools... oh yeah and that dangerous bigfoot. We were lucky to escape with our lives! Good thing my precious artwork purchased at auction on board the ship survived. What an investment. I'll put 'em next to my Toomas Kincaid collection!"

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Horror in Hawaii - Bigfoot Trashes Nature Preserve!

Savage Sasquatch chases endangered species from Kauai Nature Park! Federal Superfund site disaster zone requested.

The formerly idyllic island of Kauai has been temperamentally traumatized by a rogue Bigfoot. A local ranger, Rick, described the catastrophe "How this hairy beast got here is beyond us. It didn't pay an entrance fee. It just suddenly appeared in the park and chased off the masses of mainland tourists, scared all our rare endangered species of nematodes into hiding, and intimidated local random surf bums. It will take years for this rare ecosystem to recover. Years! I feel faint."

Biodiversity? Not any more!
Sasquatch hunters speculate the beast wasn't targeting nematodes as prey, so much as scavenging for left over fried snack foods. "Oily fried food is the furry beast's favorite meal!", said an Ancient Aliens and Sasquatch expert.
Sasquatch Photobomb: Ruining a perfectly good Kauai photo. 
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in not-Hawaii Yuba City, was optimistic. "I'm optimistic, you know. Those nasty nematodes will eventually return to their native habitat. If the park needs more nematodes, I can provide them. I have them in my backyard. My doctor said I have some in my brain, too, which sort of explains my personality? I can ship some in a biohazard box. All I need to get started is a nice donation to my personal trust fund in the name of the institute, that will work nicely!"

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Blockbuster Bigfoot Movie Planned - Target Market Excited!

Blinng Productions Announces New Bigfoot Movie Plans!

What the world needs is a new Sasquatch Documentary, and Blinng Productions™ are just the people moronic enough to do it!

Dr. Karl Blinng is busy fleecing, er, acquiring, sufficient funds from suitably naive investors to get started on his masterpiece.

"We don't have a script. Or actors. Or Bigfoots. But that won't stop us! This Bigfoot movie will be the greatest hit since Jar-Jar Binks astounded the world in his stupendous Star Bores films!"

Blinng Studios™ have released a promotional poster for the film, targeting widows, orphans, bitcoin investors and other types of wily investors. We're hopefully assuming the studio obtained legal permission to use this unpaid actress's image:
Bigfoot Bonanza Planned. Hollywood is Scared!
Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute bored of directors, acknowledges there is risk in this venture. "Yes, we know we're aiming amazingly low with this film, but we know our audience. We have no expertise, no funding, no talent, and looking at Blinng in action - - no brains. But it doesn't matter!  We'll dub the thing in Spanish and Mandarin - - then make a mint in the overseas markets. If we get a really rotten tomatoes rating, it won't matter! Now to get those bitcoin investors to pay up..."

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

New Zealand Bigfoot Sighting! Kiwis Krushed!

Rare Sasquatch Sighting in Christchurch New Zealand! Natives think Lord of the Rings is being filmed again! "Not a Movie... this time it's real!"

Residents in Christchurch, New Zealand, were rudely perturbed when a intense looking Bigfoot sauntered down one of the many quaint and touristic streets plaguing the city. Public Panic was avoided as most citizens assumed the sighting was yet another Lord of the Rings movie being filmed onsite.

A local eyewitness was amazed. "Aye, so I was goin' to my local dairy to refill me chilly bin and get good and pissed wit me mates while watching my All-Blacks. We're playin' Tonga today. Then I saw the beast! Looked like an Orc or something, so I'm thinkin' 'right, that's another bloody Lord of the Rings sequel'. But I was wrong. That ape-man was scary smelly. It weren't no movie. I gapped it right then and there!"

Kiwi Bigfoot spotted in Christchurch. Sheep Beware.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in frolicking Yuba City, California, was serene. "Yes, I'm celestially serene. Serene in the knowledge that our summer intern, Jassyka Blinng, is working hard at reporting amazing Sasquatch sightings in the southern hemisphere. The fact she is an unpaid intern brings even more joy to my seriously serene sereneness."

Sunday, August 20, 2017

BigFoot PANIC in Point Reyes!

Coastal Sasquatch Ruins Pt. Reyes. Oysters. Banana Slugs. Tourism Trashed!

Sasquatch + Oysters + Banana Slugs don't mix, as the retched residents in the Pt. Reyes area learned last week. Stinson Beach locals are still recovering from a revolting visitation from a raw oyster and banana slug eating hairy hominid.
And Banana Slugs! Don't Forget Bigfoots!
"These animals have no gastrointestinal reservations!" said a local purveyor of slightly aged oysters on the half-shell, "That big ape gobbled up my entire stash of sort-of-fresh salt-water bivalve molluscs. The beast looked food-coma happy but strange sounds were emitting from his belly. It was gross".
What's For Dinner? Yum Yum a la Sasquatch.
What came next is hard to stomach. Queasy people should stop reading this eye-witness account now. For dessert, the same simian gorged on glistening banana slugs. Banana slugs are the largest slimy slugs in North America. They are a bright yellow. Normally such a color would be a dead giveaway to predators, and banana slugs should have quickly gone extinct a long time ago. But cleverly, the wily banana slug eats the most nasty, grossest, collection of bottom feeding excretions in the known world. This renders the taste of a banana slug truly repulsive. Only a real idiot would eat one. This particular Sasquatch appears to be one of them.
Bigfoot Indigestion. Slugs and Oysters don't mix.
The Pt. Reyes Sasquatch was last seen stumbling back into the forest, a look of dire dyspepsia written upon it's frowning furry face. Park Rangers are frantically counting the remaining Banana Slugs in the area. "Banana Slugs are an endangered species" said one slimed ranger, "Stupid UC Santa Cruz students keep stealing them. They stick them into dorm-food chili-night pots to freak out the freshman. Rumor has it that UC Santa Cruze dorm food actually tastes better with a dash of banana slug meat added...."

Saturday, August 19, 2017