Sunday, March 4, 2018

Caribbean Crazy Over Island Sasquatch Sighting!

Bigfoot Spotted on Grand Cayman Island - - Experts Shocked!

A sullen sub-tropical Sasquatch has been spotted mingling with oblivious tourists in George Town, Grand Cayman Island. Panic was avoided as tourists and locals thought the beast was part of a performing street artiste group. It was only when the animal upended a trash bin looking for stale sushi did people suspect this was no show.

Flummoxed local police authorities have been unable to capture the crafty creature. "Not much happens here on Grand Cayman in terms of your average criminal behavior", said an obsessed government spokesman, "Oh sure we get Yanks driving on the wrong side of the street. We get golf balls hitting luxury condominium windows.... and we get a lot of laundry business in our banks. We're proud of our financial industry... these banks have huge washing machines in the basement. They'll even offer free dry cleaning while you wait. Dollars, Pounds, Euros, Bolivares... it's all legit, I can assure you!"
Grand Cayman Sasquatch Sniffing for Stale Sushi.
The Sasquatch disappeared from the island after a day of balmy havoc and hissy fits. It's suspected the beast was a stowaway on one of the fleet of cruise ships which invade Grand Cayman on a daily basis. The local population is hoping he skulked aboard one of those ships.
Beastie Bigfoot Spotted on South Church Street. 
"Look, I was there when the bigfoot fiasco happened on Grand Cayman. This beast poses a real threat to global sushi shipping and the crazy cruise ship industry", said Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors of the SETI NOT YETI Institute in tropical Yuba City, California. "Those Bigfoots are mostly idiots. They have a brain the size of a walnut. If you can't expect a typical cruise ship tourist to get on the right shuttle craft back to their ship, how do you expect an Ape Man to do the same? They can't read! That Bigfoot could be anywhere in the world right now, terrorizing port after port. Imagine if it stowed away on a submarine? Egads."

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Cruise Ship Chaos from Bigfoot Sighting!

Bigfoot Stowaway on Caribbean Cruise Ship!

In a shocking development for the out-to-sea tourism industry, the real reason a cruise ship recently turned back to port was NOT a massive case of odoriferous passenger gastro-intestinal problems. Nor was the cancellation due to a lack of alcohol and clever towel sculptures on board. No!

We know the real reason. It's almost too shocking to tell the public. In fact, the truth would be irresponsible to share. This news can cause widespread panic!

OK, here's what happened:

A sneaky Sasquatch slipped on board a docked cruise ship in Texas, searching for random leftover chicken wings and flat beer. These ignorant beasts don't understand departure times, and this poor animal was trapped on board when the ship pulled away from port.

SOS! Sasquatch On Ship! 
Amazingly, the marooned bigfoot wasn't spotted until the third day of a seven day cruise by crew members. Whenever a passenger saw the Sasquatch, crew members nimbly explained that the hairy beast was an actor in costume preparing for the famous "Hollywood Regurgitated" Theme Show in the Star-Light Lounge later in the week.
Bigfoot - Master and Commander of Grand Cayman Harbor.
This alarming hairy situation was successfully kept secret for a few days. Since passengers were either happily inebriated, lost in the vast water park, bidding on famous knock-off paintings, or purchasing luxurious rubberized $300 arch-supports in the Spa, they were blissfully unaware of the furry flea-bitten danger in their midst. 
Concerned Cruise Ship Passengers attend Emergency Bigfoot Meeting. Free champagne for all. 
Eventually the nasty secret came out when the Sasquatch did a large belly flop into the main pool during a reggae jam. A memorable tidal wave and panic ensued at that point. Passengers where calmed by sugary adult beverages with fancy umbrellas stuck in them.
The famous masterpiece "Doggie Stairway to Heaven" on display in the art gallery was miraculously saved from malicious Sasquatch damage.
Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors for the YETI not SETI Institute in landlocked Yuba City, California, was an eyewitness to the stowaway bigfoot. "It was horrible. Knowing that you're trapped on a ship with 2,000 drunk fools... oh yeah and that dangerous bigfoot. We were lucky to escape with our lives! Good thing my precious artwork purchased at auction on board the ship survived. What an investment. I'll put 'em next to my Toomas Kincaid collection!"

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Horror in Hawaii - Bigfoot Trashes Nature Preserve!

Savage Sasquatch chases endangered species from Kauai Nature Park! Federal Superfund site disaster zone requested.

The formerly idyllic island of Kauai has been temperamentally traumatized by a rogue Bigfoot. A local ranger, Rick, described the catastrophe "How this hairy beast got here is beyond us. It didn't pay an entrance fee. It just suddenly appeared in the park and chased off the masses of mainland tourists, scared all our rare endangered species of nematodes into hiding, and intimidated local random surf bums. It will take years for this rare ecosystem to recover. Years! I feel faint."

Biodiversity? Not any more!
Sasquatch hunters speculate the beast wasn't targeting nematodes as prey, so much as scavenging for left over fried snack foods. "Oily fried food is the furry beast's favorite meal!", said an Ancient Aliens and Sasquatch expert.
Sasquatch Photobomb: Ruining a perfectly good Kauai photo. 
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in not-Hawaii Yuba City, was optimistic. "I'm optimistic, you know. Those nasty nematodes will eventually return to their native habitat. If the park needs more nematodes, I can provide them. I have them in my backyard. My doctor said I have some in my brain, too, which sort of explains my personality? I can ship some in a biohazard box. All I need to get started is a nice donation to my personal trust fund in the name of the institute, that will work nicely!"

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Blockbuster Bigfoot Movie Planned - Target Market Excited!

Blinng Productions Announces New Bigfoot Movie Plans!

What the world needs is a new Sasquatch Documentary, and Blinng Productions™ are just the people moronic enough to do it!

Dr. Karl Blinng is busy fleecing, er, acquiring, sufficient funds from suitably naive investors to get started on his masterpiece.

"We don't have a script. Or actors. Or Bigfoots. But that won't stop us! This Bigfoot movie will be the greatest hit since Jar-Jar Binks astounded the world in his stupendous Star Bores films!"

Blinng Studios™ have released a promotional poster for the film, targeting widows, orphans, bitcoin investors and other types of wily investors. We're hopefully assuming the studio obtained legal permission to use this unpaid actress's image:
Bigfoot Bonanza Planned. Hollywood is Scared!
Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute bored of directors, acknowledges there is risk in this venture. "Yes, we know we're aiming amazingly low with this film, but we know our audience. We have no expertise, no funding, no talent, and looking at Blinng in action - - no brains. But it doesn't matter!  We'll dub the thing in Spanish and Mandarin - - then make a mint in the overseas markets. If we get a really rotten tomatoes rating, it won't matter! Now to get those bitcoin investors to pay up..."

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

New Zealand Bigfoot Sighting! Kiwis Krushed!

Rare Sasquatch Sighting in Christchurch New Zealand! Natives think Lord of the Rings is being filmed again! "Not a Movie... this time it's real!"

Residents in Christchurch, New Zealand, were rudely perturbed when a intense looking Bigfoot sauntered down one of the many quaint and touristic streets plaguing the city. Public Panic was avoided as most citizens assumed the sighting was yet another Lord of the Rings movie being filmed onsite.

A local eyewitness was amazed. "Aye, so I was goin' to my local dairy to refill me chilly bin and get good and pissed wit me mates while watching my All-Blacks. We're playin' Tonga today. Then I saw the beast! Looked like an Orc or something, so I'm thinkin' 'right, that's another bloody Lord of the Rings sequel'. But I was wrong. That ape-man was scary smelly. It weren't no movie. I gapped it right then and there!"

Kiwi Bigfoot spotted in Christchurch. Sheep Beware.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in frolicking Yuba City, California, was serene. "Yes, I'm celestially serene. Serene in the knowledge that our summer intern, Jassyka Blinng, is working hard at reporting amazing Sasquatch sightings in the southern hemisphere. The fact she is an unpaid intern brings even more joy to my seriously serene sereneness."

Sunday, August 20, 2017

BigFoot PANIC in Point Reyes!

Coastal Sasquatch Ruins Pt. Reyes. Oysters. Banana Slugs. Tourism Trashed!

Sasquatch + Oysters + Banana Slugs don't mix, as the retched residents in the Pt. Reyes area learned last week. Stinson Beach locals are still recovering from a revolting visitation from a raw oyster and banana slug eating hairy hominid.
And Banana Slugs! Don't Forget Bigfoots!
"These animals have no gastrointestinal reservations!" said a local purveyor of slightly aged oysters on the half-shell, "That big ape gobbled up my entire stash of sort-of-fresh salt-water bivalve molluscs. The beast looked food-coma happy but strange sounds were emitting from his belly. It was gross".
What's For Dinner? Yum Yum a la Sasquatch.
What came next is hard to stomach. Queasy people should stop reading this eye-witness account now. For dessert, the same simian gorged on glistening banana slugs. Banana slugs are the largest slimy slugs in North America. They are a bright yellow. Normally such a color would be a dead giveaway to predators, and banana slugs should have quickly gone extinct a long time ago. But cleverly, the wily banana slug eats the most nasty, grossest, collection of bottom feeding excretions in the known world. This renders the taste of a banana slug truly repulsive. Only a real idiot would eat one. This particular Sasquatch appears to be one of them.
Bigfoot Indigestion. Slugs and Oysters don't mix.
The Pt. Reyes Sasquatch was last seen stumbling back into the forest, a look of dire dyspepsia written upon it's frowning furry face. Park Rangers are frantically counting the remaining Banana Slugs in the area. "Banana Slugs are an endangered species" said one slimed ranger, "Stupid UC Santa Cruz students keep stealing them. They stick them into dorm-food chili-night pots to freak out the freshman. Rumor has it that UC Santa Cruze dorm food actually tastes better with a dash of banana slug meat added...."

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Brazos River Bigfoot Sighting! Texas Sized Sasquatch Troubles!

Brazos River Bigfoot Fiend Louses Local Nature Preserve!

Texas is being terrorized by a vandalizing nasty simian brute sighted along the Brazos River, near the formerly sedate town of Richmond.

"Our precious semi-natural wetlands preserve has been smashed and contaminated by a rare Gigantopithicus Revoltus", said Richmond Mayor Snevylin Smoore, "By the way, we're looking for a new Animal Control Officer. You know anyone? Experience not required. The last guy - -  he saw the large foot-prints and amazing excretory piles left behind by that ape-man and fainted!"
Sasquatch caught by a remote camera along the Brazos River. It has poor personal hygiene habits. 
Sightings of the creature were captured by remote cameras set up by the local MUD district. "We were looking for idiot teenagers drinking beer and smoking weed",  said a MUD manager, "but we never caught 'em, we forgot to put batteries in the cameras. BUT once we figured that part out, these amazing mysterious photos of a Sasquatch beast showed up. We saw his disgusting casual personal toilet habits up close and personal. It was horrible. I'm in therapy now trying to forget it all".

"Ah, My Bad!" Brazos River Bigfoot admits to polluting the Hilmar Moore Nature Preserve, located at formerly scenic Fort Bend County MUD 140.
"On a scale of one to ten, this bigfoot contamination event is a sixteen", said a mysterious visitor wearing a burnt orange biohazard suit in the forbidden zone, "This muck makes Chernobyl look like a cake walk."

'Squatch Cam' Captures Cute Cuddly Selfie Close-up of Bonafide Brazos Ape Beast.
Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute bored of directors, is convinced there is an evil bigfoot conspiracy at work - -  involving bovines. "You'd think that a 'squatch disaster of this scale would reveal tons of Bigfoot DNA! But there is none to be found. Mysterious men in burnt orange biohazard suits landed in helicopters with long-horn decals and quarantined the area, removing suspect fecal matter, hair, and other nasty Sasquatch evidence. Plausible deniability? Evil is at work. EEEEEEVIL!"

"The clues add up. We know that evil University of Texas at Austin graduate students conducted an illegal and unauthorized rain bomb weather experiment over Texas A&M in College Station last year. They screwed up, of course, and we know that the resulting deluge and flood swamped the Brazos River all the way down to Freeport. We know that numerous obnoxious river critters, including poisonous savage snakes, aggressive alligators, woolly wild hogs, smelly skunks, AND reclusive feral Bigfoots were displaced by the rising water and were forced to seek refuge in the many local Sugar Land area precious planned communities conveniently located 50 feet below the historic flood plain."

"We KNOW these evil things! But did we know that a typical UT graduate student looks and behaves like a Sasquatch? They DO! Connect the dots! We must all be Texas A&M Aggies now - - and saw off the horns of EVIL!". BEVO's spokespersons refused to comment on this amazing true fake news.

Bigfoot in Texas: Fort Bend County is located on the far southwest side of Planet Houston, a huge orb extending thousands of miles in all directions, especially during rush hour. Numerous Bigfoot sightings along the Brazos River have been reported for years. It's suspected that the wild Sasquatch population is attracted to the area by a string of Whattaburger dumpsters in the area, as rancid french fries are a coveted food item.

Bigfoot spotted at Brazos River - - Texas nature trail shuts down in panic!

Rare Sasquatch Snowstorm in Houston Brings out Bothersome BigFoots!

Sasquatch Terrorizes Brazos River Texas!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Squaw Valley Sasquatch PROOF!

Sasquatch Sighting in Squaw Valley! Skiers Shocked Silly! 

Record Sierra Nevada Snow blamed for Bigfoot Appearance! 

Squaw Valley, California - - Despite efforts by Russian Spies to suppress news of a recent Sasquatch sighting in Squaw Valley, our intrepid Institute and dedicated purveyor of NOT FAKE BIGFOOT NEWS has uncovered photographic Sasquatch evidence and statements from bonafide eye witnesses.

Befuddled Bigfoot looking for frozen cheese whiz snacks.
 "A Sasquatch at Squaw Valley is squalid, seriously", said a full-time professional apres-ski instructor, "to be fleecing these amateurs out of their treasure with over-priced hot toddy drinks was a good gig. Beat working for a living! Then this nasty beast shows up and scares everyone off! Bad for business."

Sasquatch roaming Squaw Valley.
Dr. Karl Blinng, the most honored Director of the prestigious YETI-not-SETI Institute for the lucrative study of cryptozoological beasties, found the recent Squaw Valley sightings to be chilling. "I'm CHILL. I authorized the expenditure of $3,000 for these Squaw Valley photos! I have a team of unpaid interns combing the area for Bigfoot droppings and other evidence of their nasty DNA. Heck, people comb icy wastelands for mere meteoroids. FOOLS! We're going for Sasquatchoids. When we find them, my life's work will be fulfilled. Ah, not mention I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Then, at last, I'll have the financial means to finally take over the world. Boohahahahahahahaha. Cough!"

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Sasquatch Sighting in Yosemite Valley!

Bad Boy Bigfoot Spotted - - Looking For Trouble In Yosemite Valley!

A horrible hominid was sighted in Yosemite National Park this Easter Weekend. Rangers cleared the area of pesky tourists, but are not going to search for the wild animal. "Are you crazy?", said a Park Ranger, "Those Bigfoot beasts stink to high heaven. We're not equipped with proper air filtration equipment. It would be a safety disaster if we tried. Our hope is that the beast will grow bored of the valley floor and search for a Burger King dumpster outside of the park instead."                    
Sasquatch Simian spotted in Yosemite.
Bigfoot Bother: Actual photo taken by trembling tourist.

Dr. Blinng of the Yeti Not Seti Institute was elated. "I'm elated, not concerned. Yosemite Valley attracts all sorts of disgusting day-trippers. Plebs. Now with this new Sasquatch scare, I might finally be able to find a parking spot!"

Yosemite Valley has been hit by Bigfoot raids before:

Yosemite has issues.