Saturday, September 17, 2016

Florida Cat 'Squatch! Clueless Kitty Crushed by Bigfoot's Foot!

Croaked Cat Crushed by Massive Sasquatch Pedibus. Cat Crushing Caught on Kat Kam!

South Florida residents are aghast at the tragic death of a sweet little kitty-cat named 'Fluffles' at the hands, er feet, of a clumsy feral Sasquatch.

"That croaked cat was completely crushed  - - as flat as a feline pancake", said a Dade County Sheriff Deputy on the scene. "At first we suspected the usual Everglades culprits. You know... wild boa constrictors as big as a barn, savage poodle eating alligators and other cuddly swamp critters, but the Kat-Kam on that pussycat settled the issue... it was a wild Bigfoot that done the dirty deed!"

Last image from the Kitty-Kam on Fluffles neck before it was Cat 'Squashed.
Crying Cat Owners in Shock - - Pussys taken off the streets!

A general alert has been announced for South Florida from Key West to Palm Beach - - take your Cats and put them inside. "We just don't know when another Bigfoot will crush a feline. Take your little irritating yappy dogs inside too... on second thought, don't bother!" announced the Monroe County Emergency Management Department.

Sasquatch victim Fluffles the cat has been Memorialized on a public Clock Tower in Touristy Tavernier, Florida.
Brucellosis Hail, a local Florida Keys denizen who commutes between the San Francisco Bay Area and Florida ("I go to South Florida during the summer, because I like Heat, Humidity, Hurricanes and Zika!"), was able to view the Kat-Kam images from Fluffles big adventure after the cat was flattened. "No doubt about it, said Brucellosis, "A Florida Sasquatch crunched that kitty... looked like a tank rolled over it!" Mr. Hail is under serious consideration for being nominated to the YETI NOT SETI Institute Bored of Directors, once his long-promised check arrives in the mail and finally clears the bank this time. 

Erk Holohead, a bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, has a South Florida observation. "I lived in Miami for a few years... I saw everything... Miami Vice disruptions, a thousand varieties of pointy Palm Trees, escaped pet parrots, Little Havana hysterias, and sullen swampy Sasquatches. The way people drove on the Dolphin Expressway was truly inspirational - - your life was in your hands. Many of those maniac drivers looked like scatter-brained Sasquatches. Miami Beach was stuffed full of them. The everglades are only a few miles to the west - - who knows how many Bigfoots are out there?  You know that demented columnist Dave Barry on the Miami Herald? He must be a bigfoot!

In a public service, this seriously scientific crypto-zoological blog feels obliged to point out previous Sasquatch sightings in Florida. We'll remove these links if the Florida Tourist Commission pays us the ransom demand we've sent them by registered mail:

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Bigfoot Sighting in Rocky Mountains!

Sasquatch Rocky Mountain High Terror:
Foolish Fly Fisherman Frantic from Foul Feral Fragrances!

A group of clueless California fly fishing fanatics in Colorado were horrified from a close encounter of the worst kind with a wild Sasquatch. The heavy consumption of legal cannabis while fly fishing is suspected as a prime cause of yet another Bigfoot fiasco. "That nasty bad beast robbed us, man! Took our trout. I think it did. Uh, wait....". The fishing victims were questioned by forest rangers, then released, as they appeared to stupid but harmless and posed no threat to other hallucinating pot-heads in the area.

One of the stoned anglers was able to take a rare photo of the elusive nasty Bigfoot beast before passing out:
Brazen Bigfoot Spotted at Rocky Mountain Stream by fisherman.
Colorado Park Rangers have released this sketched description of the Sasquatch suspect, as described by one of the Rocky Mountain high Fly Fisherman after the Bigfoot attack:
Stoned Fly Fisherman's description of the Bigfoot.
Dr. Blinng, Director of the impressive sounding YETI Not SETI Institute in picturesque Yuba City, California, was impressed. "I'm impressed! Those pot-head fly fishermen used large amounts of cannabis sativa to tie their precious fly-fishing hooks. What idiots. Everyone knows that the wily trout won't fall for that old trick!  You gotta tie a bottle of Jack Daniels to your fishing line. That and have a shotgun ready to go. Works every time!"

Speculation that the Colorado Sasquatch is actually a get-high-and-space-out nomad marijuana loving New Mexico Bigfoot tired of the Santa Fe artsy-fartsy scene is gaining serious support among Ancient Alien documentary intelligentsia. "Think about it.", said YETI not SETI bored of director Erk Holohead, "Ancient Alien theorists speculate on just about anything as long as they get paid for it! Sort of like us bonafide Sasquatch experts, only we don't get paid squat."

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Bigfoot Sighted at Pt. Reyes State Park!

Snarling Sasquatch Steals Weenies!

A wild Bigfoot has raided a camp ground at remote and foggy PT. Reyes State Park in California, stealing hot dogs during a weenie roast and startling campers.
Sasquatch: Weenie Thief.
A terrified camper, busy packing his car and family for a rapid escape from the panic stricken state park, was an eye-witness. "Yeah, I saw the beast! It was a great day at Pt. Reyes, freezing, wet, and you could hear the surf and the sea-gulls, since the fog was like pea-soup it was hard to see the actual ocean. Wind gusts were hitting gale force levels. A typical day in paradise! So we lit up our turbo-biodiesel dual-inline stove and were happily roasting spicy super-hot jalapeno pepper weenies, when the hairy crook ran up out of the fog, grabbed all the cooking weenies he could. He even took the pickle jar, the cad. He quickly escaped back into the fog. Just like that! Thank god we weren't roasting S'mores yet, or there would have been real trouble!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, was hungry for more. "You betcha, I want some them spicy hot weenies! Where can I buy some? Food tastes better when it can bring tears of pain to your eyes. I bet that stupid bigfoot had a major case of hot & spicy induced indigestion after wolfing those weenies down. Which gives me an idea... the beast must have had a rather dramatic bowel movement after eating those nuclear flavored hot dogs... I'll pay $3,000 to anyone who can bring me supersized hot & spicy Sasquatch poop!"

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Santa Fe Sasquatch Soils Art Scene!

Santa Fe Sasquatch Sighting! Rare New Mexico Bigfoot Spotted!

Santa Fe locals, tourists, and peddlers of authentic fine southwest Hopeeee made-in-china art stuff were left in shock and amazement when a rarely seen New Mexico Sasquatch made a pathetic paseo and promenaded through the central plaza during yet another art & food festival. The sighting caused minor panic in the laid-back locals, who've seen just about everything. Tourists, however, once they realized the beast was not performing some demented form of street art, were highly bothered by obnoxious odors and noises emitting from the feral beast. The touristy mobs quickly evacuated the area to a questionable part of town known for double-margaritas and loud salsa music.
Santa Fe Sasquatch Caught on Camera! Local shops closed immediately after the sighting.
"Yeah, I was there", said a local starving artista. "Bad business! I was all set to sell-off my remaining inventory of one-of-a-kind pottery knick-knacks mass-produced in a factory in Shinzhen, er, make that Shangra-la. Then this ugly furry animal walks by and chases away all the marks, ah, my loyal customers! That Bigfoot wasn't noticed at first because it was kinda mellow and just sauntered by. But that cloud of fleas trailing it sure got the attention of everyone. The plaza was empty in minutes!"
New Mexico Sasquatch roving Santa Fe's central plaza before heading towards Atalaya Mountain.
"New Mexico Bigfoots are extremely rare, the desert is not their favorite place to hang out. We're quite unlucky to see one.", said Erk Holohed, a member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute board of directors.

Holohed was in Santa Fe for a scientifically useless but important all-you-can-drink crypto-zoology conference focused on 'South-by-SouthWest Sasquatches and Georgia O'Keefe- Real or Surreal?'. "This particular Santa Fe Sasquatch must have been attracted to quirky artiste vibes in the plaza and swirling smells of fried food. The combination must have driven the poor beast mad. We know Bigfeet have problems understanding modern art. This poor brute may have had a serious mental issue with Southwestern art. He'll recover in the mountains. If we're lucky, he'll head towards Colorado. A Sasquatch can become a friendly, furry, pot-head to the locals and fit right in."

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Sedona Scare as Arizona Sasquatch Spotted!

Bigfoot Sighting in Oak Creek Canyon - Slide Rock Evacuated!

Northern Arizona is in prehistoric panic mode as Bigfoot sightings are starting to happen as often as turquoise rock shops in this historical tourist region. A lost hiker in Oak Creek Canyon stumbled upon a Bigfoot in the creek. "The beast was scaring off the fish.", said the shocked camper, "The creature had a foul odious body odor, and the filthy body noises it made frightened birds and wild varmits - - they were running for cover. I was scared senseless!"

Ageing New Age Sedona Denizens are fleeing to local Sedona Vortex sights and walking spiral rock trails in a desperate effort to mellow out from Bigfoot badness. "Staring at their jewel encrusted navels and chanting 'OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYGOD' ain't gonna work this time", said a cranky old local resident, "The only solution for them Sedona Sasquatch infestations is to lure the buggers away with day-old fried food and point 'em towards Los Vegas. That trick worked back in '08... 1908 to you, you young whippersnapper!"
Sasquatch caught on camera! The beast spotted in Oak Creek Canyon by a shell-shocked camper.
Erk Holohed, a noted pseudo-expert on the Oak Creek Canyon region and a member of the board of directors for the YETI NOT SETI Institute in exotic Yuba City, California, was deeply concerned. "I'm deeply concerned. Oak Creek is the only river in Arizona which flows year-round, unless you count pipe leaks in Phoenix. Water quality in the creek is already threatened from all those crazed tourists at Slide Rock. Add a few rude Sasquatches doing their 'nature calls' thing in the creek, and we risk having to evacuate the entire Canyon from Flagstaff to Sedona."

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Mystery Solved: Bigfoot killed the Yosemite Sentinel Dome's Jeffrey Pine!

Famous Yosemite landmark withered by Sasquatch Pee. 

The YETI not SETI Institute unleashed a torrential stream of salty uncertainly this weekend, releasing quasi-scientific data which points to copious volumes of Bigfoot urine as the ultimate cause for the death of the famous Yosemite Sentinel Dome Jeffry Pine.
Recent Bigfoot sighting at the dead pine's resting place on Sentinel Dome.
"We have tons of pee proof", claimed Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the legally fragile YETI not SETI Institute. "I only paid $3,000 for it. This data proves only a Sasquatch could have drowned that piss-poor plant!"
Sasquatches are known to cause environmental damage from excessive urination on Earth and Mars.
Speculation exists, as confirmed on authoritative major Space Alien History cable TV shows, that Sasquatch urine was also responsible for the premature malfunction of a Mars Rover. Sasquatch sightings in Yosemite National Park are quite common. Coincidental? We think not! "It's hard to tell the difference between the Bigfoots and many tourists during the high season", said one exhausted park ranger.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Terrifying Tulip Trampler - Bungling Bigfoot Blamed

Sasquatch Sighting at Famous Tulip Grounds - Flower Show Flattened.

Floral Fans Flummoxed by Feral Felon!

A rare wild Sasquatch (as compared to the domestic variety) has stampeded into an annual Tulip Flower Show, crushing rare tulipa darwinhybrid 'Spryng Break' award winning prized tulips by the hundreds. "That darn Bigfoot has caused thousands of dollars in damage!", said one eye-witness. In the ensuing mayhem, at least 10 flower club ladies rioted and hurled their summer hats and garden tools at the drooling beast in an effort to divert him towards rival tulip growers. Four of the ladies were briefly detained for unruly behavior by police.
Bigfoot trampling through the tulips.
Organizers of the Tulip Flower Show remained silent, though one person with ties to the local flower club suspected the Sasquatch was deliberately set loose upon the tulips once members of the club realized they were not going to win Gold or Silver this year. "Sabotage, I'll tell you!", said the eyewitness.

Was Tiny Tim a Sasquatch?
When Tiny Tim's monster hit "Tiptoe through the Tulips" came out in 1968, people were dumbfounded, more than usual. But no one ever asked how this song came to be? Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the fiscally needy YETI not SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, is convinced that Tiny Tim was a Sasquatch. "This recent tulip attack confirms it!", said Blinng, "That beast didn't tiptoe so much as trample through the tulips! Tiny Tim was a Bigfoot!"

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Prague People Panic as BigFoot Sighted in City!

Sasquatch Sighting in Czech Republic Crushes Tourism Industry!  

(Prague) The city of Prague in the Czech Republic is panicked, puzzled, and perplexed at the mysterious sighting of a rabid North American Sasquatch. The people in the city are also concerned.

Tourists at an almost famous wax museum in the area were amazed when they saw a bonafide Sasquatch saunter to their beer table and promptly steal two large bottles full of local brew. "Yeah sure, like he guzzled down one beer in two seconds and ran into the woods with the other one!", said a shocked tourist, "The worst part is I never got my beers and that beast gave us fleas! I can't pronounce the beer's name anyway."

Faced with a rare and exciting Czech Cryptozoic event, Huba Hubacek, Professor Emeritus at the Institute for the Study of Pathetic Things In Prague, was guarded in his reaction. "I'm guarded. I mean this quite literally! See those guys over there? They are guarding me to make sure I'm not attacked by this dangerous and evil Sasquatch creature.... that and making sure I don't violate my parole."

BigFoot Panic in Prague: This Wax Museum had a lot more entertainment than tourists bargained for!
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in colic Yuba City, California, issued an immediate press release and answered this intrepid BigFoot reporter's phone call for more information. "Will you pay me for this interview? You reporters are all cheapskates, looking for somethin' for nothin'. 'Cause otherwise, I'm not talking. Cash please!"

Karlstein Czech Castle tourists terrorized by cunning savage suds stealing sasquatch!
North American Sasquatch sightings have been made in various European countries over the last few years. We have no idea how these Bigfeets got there or why they live amongst the natives. Speculation runs rampant that these creatures are coming from Belgium or Greece, but this is only gratuitous guessing in which we freely engage in order to entice more readers so that we can raise our advertising rates.

Bigfoot Sightings in Europe:

....amazing but true.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Berlin BigFoot Sightings! Brings Backpfeifengesicht to Terrified Locals!

BigFoot in Berlin!
Sasquatch Sparks Panic and die angst in Germany!

Exciting reports have been flowing into this self-important Bigfoot news organization from Berlin, citing numerous reports of repulsive Sasquatch sightings in this large, flat, and formerly complacent German City.

Strolling Sasquatch Spotted departing the HaufbonHaus Train Station. 
Bigfoot spotted at the HaufbonHaus train station:

An astonished group of American tourists from Martinez, California were highly upset when a large, flea-ridden, and overly aromatic Sasquatch emerged from the First Class carriage that they were about to board. "It was disgusting!", said one of the tourists, "I had a reserved seat and that beast managed to infect it with mange and God knows what else! We cancelled our trip and took the bus." Station police are now on high alert, but it is suspected the roving BigFoot is long gone after ransacking several station garbage bins for filthy fried food leftovers.

Berlin Wall bears Bigfoot Bounce:
BigFoot Barges into the Berlin Wall.
Nearby, amazed locals witnessed perhaps the same Sasquatch literally run into the Berlin Wall, knocking down a section and shaking the foundation, sending flea-ridden fur flying in all directions.

Police speculate the hominid was running from a dangerous pack of feral dachshunds known to roam the area and ran into the wall by accident.  Berlin city officials promised a prompt repair and power-washing of that section of the wall to remove substantial body odors and biological contamination the beast left behind.

Speculation is rampant inside Berlin psuedo-political circles that this mysterious and unwelcome Sasquatch is actually part of a stealth terrorist attack launched by the Greek Red Syraz party in revenge for Germany taking a leading role in forcing Greeks to pay their overdue bills, stop rampant tax cheating, get jobs, stop leeching off the EU, keep their promises, and stop being Greeks bearing gifts. Government ministers suspect that Yanis Varoufukis, the former Greek Finance Moron, is actually the attacking Bigfoot, come to reek havoc on his EU enemies.

Is Yanis Varoufukis really a Bigfoot?

"The evidence is solid, like Greek Yogurt gone stale.", said Erk Holohed, a board member of the nearly prestigious YETI not SETI Institute, "Only a certified idiot or a Sasquatch, or both, would engage in such self-destructive political and economic behavior with their nation and creditors. Mr. Varoufukis may be a Bigfoot with a low Sasquatch simian IQ. This is a very logical irrational market explanation."

Brandenburg Gate Bashed by My Big Bad Greek Idiot BigFoot.
Brandenburg Gate Suffers Sasquatch Surprise:

To add insult in injury, the Bigfoot was spotted at Berlin's famous Brandenburg Gate, sending testy tourists fleeing in all directions. "I'm afraid we'll have to close the monument if we keeping getting nasty furry Sasquatch visits!" said a city official.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in fabulous Yuba City, California, was vexed. "I'm very vexed!", said Dr. Blinng. "I went to Berlin this summer thanks to a special conference on Crypto-Zoology paid for by the generous contributions of the financial patsies, er, supporters of our fine scientific research organization. Did I see any Bigfoots? NO! Scheissenbedaurn!"

Poor Germany has a history of being harassed by Belgian and Greek Sasquatches. Learn more about the notorious "Hamburg Bigfoot Incident".