Sunday, June 26, 2016

Mystery Solved: Bigfoot killed the Yosemite Sentinel Dome's Jeffrey Pine!

Famous Yosemite landmark withered by Sasquatch Pee. 

The YETI not SETI Institute unleashed a torrential stream of salty uncertainly this weekend, releasing quasi-scientific data which points to copious volumes of Bigfoot urine as the ultimate cause for the death of the famous Yosemite Sentinel Dome Jeffry Pine.
Recent Bigfoot sighting at the dead pine's resting place on Sentinel Dome.
"We have tons of pee proof", claimed Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the legally fragile YETI not SETI Institute. "I only paid $3,000 for it. This data proves only a Sasquatch could have drowned that piss-poor plant!"
Sasquatches are known to cause environmental damage from excessive urination on Earth and Mars.
Speculation exists, as confirmed on authoritative major Space Alien History cable TV shows, that Sasquatch urine was also responsible for the premature malfunction of a Mars Rover. Sasquatch sightings in Yosemite National Park are quite common. Coincidental? We think not! "It's hard to tell the difference between the Bigfoots and many tourists during the high season", said one exhausted park ranger.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Terrifying Tulip Trampler - Bungling Bigfoot Blamed

Sasquatch Sighting at Famous Tulip Grounds - Flower Show Flattened.

Floral Fans Flummoxed by Feral Felon!

A rare wild Sasquatch (as compared to the domestic variety) has stampeded into an annual Tulip Flower Show, crushing rare tulipa darwinhybrid 'Spryng Break' award winning prized tulips by the hundreds. "That darn Bigfoot has caused thousands of dollars in damage!", said one eye-witness. In the ensuing mayhem, at least 10 flower club ladies rioted and hurled their summer hats and garden tools at the drooling beast in an effort to divert him towards rival tulip growers. Four of the ladies were briefly detained for unruly behavior by police.
Bigfoot trampling through the tulips.
Organizers of the Tulip Flower Show remained silent, though one person with ties to the local flower club suspected the Sasquatch was deliberately set loose upon the tulips once members of the club realized they were not going to win Gold or Silver this year. "Sabotage, I'll tell you!", said the eyewitness.

Was Tiny Tim a Sasquatch?
When Tiny Tim's monster hit "Tiptoe through the Tulips" came out in 1968, people were dumbfounded, more than usual. But no one ever asked how this song came to be? Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the fiscally needy YETI not SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, is convinced that Tiny Tim was a Sasquatch. "This recent tulip attack confirms it!", said Blinng, "That beast didn't tiptoe so much as trample through the tulips! Tiny Tim was a Bigfoot!"

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Prague People Panic as BigFoot Sighted in City!

Sasquatch Sighting in Czech Republic Crushes Tourism Industry!  

(Prague) The city of Prague in the Czech Republic is panicked, puzzled, and perplexed at the mysterious sighting of a rabid North American Sasquatch. The people in the city are also concerned.

Tourists at an almost famous wax museum in the area were amazed when they saw a bonafide Sasquatch saunter to their beer table and promptly steal two large bottles full of local brew. "Yeah sure, like he guzzled down one beer in two seconds and ran into the woods with the other one!", said a shocked tourist, "The worst part is I never got my beers and that beast gave us fleas! I can't pronounce the beer's name anyway."

Faced with a rare and exciting Czech Cryptozoic event, Huba Hubacek, Professor Emeritus at the Institute for the Study of Pathetic Things In Prague, was guarded in his reaction. "I'm guarded. I mean this quite literally! See those guys over there? They are guarding me to make sure I'm not attacked by this dangerous and evil Sasquatch creature.... that and making sure I don't violate my parole."

BigFoot Panic in Prague: This Wax Museum had a lot more entertainment than tourists bargained for!
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in colic Yuba City, California, issued an immediate press release and answered this intrepid BigFoot reporter's phone call for more information. "Will you pay me for this interview? You reporters are all cheapskates, looking for somethin' for nothin'. 'Cause otherwise, I'm not talking. Cash please!"

Karlstein Czech Castle tourists terrorized by cunning savage suds stealing sasquatch!
North American Sasquatch sightings have been made in various European countries over the last few years. We have no idea how these Bigfeets got there or why they live amongst the natives. Speculation runs rampant that these creatures are coming from Belgium or Greece, but this is only gratuitous guessing in which we freely engage in order to entice more readers so that we can raise our advertising rates.

Bigfoot Sightings in Europe:

....amazing but true.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Berlin BigFoot Sightings! Brings Backpfeifengesicht to Terrified Locals!

BigFoot in Berlin!
Sasquatch Sparks Panic and die angst in Germany!

Exciting reports have been flowing into this self-important Bigfoot news organization from Berlin, citing numerous reports of repulsive Sasquatch sightings in this large, flat, and formerly complacent German City.

Strolling Sasquatch Spotted departing the HaufbonHaus Train Station. 
Bigfoot spotted at the HaufbonHaus train station:

An astonished group of American tourists from Martinez, California were highly upset when a large, flea-ridden, and overly aromatic Sasquatch emerged from the First Class carriage that they were about to board. "It was disgusting!", said one of the tourists, "I had a reserved seat and that beast managed to infect it with mange and God knows what else! We cancelled our trip and took the bus." Station police are now on high alert, but it is suspected the roving BigFoot is long gone after ransacking several station garbage bins for filthy fried food leftovers.

Berlin Wall bears Bigfoot Bounce:
BigFoot Barges into the Berlin Wall.
Nearby, amazed locals witnessed perhaps the same Sasquatch literally run into the Berlin Wall, knocking down a section and shaking the foundation, sending flea-ridden fur flying in all directions.

Police speculate the hominid was running from a dangerous pack of feral dachshunds known to roam the area and ran into the wall by accident.  Berlin city officials promised a prompt repair and power-washing of that section of the wall to remove substantial body odors and biological contamination the beast left behind.

Speculation is rampant inside Berlin psuedo-political circles that this mysterious and unwelcome Sasquatch is actually part of a stealth terrorist attack launched by the Greek Red Syraz party in revenge for Germany taking a leading role in forcing Greeks to pay their overdue bills, stop rampant tax cheating, get jobs, stop leeching off the EU, keep their promises, and stop being Greeks bearing gifts. Government ministers suspect that Yanis Varoufukis, the former Greek Finance Moron, is actually the attacking Bigfoot, come to reek havoc on his EU enemies.

Is Yanis Varoufukis really a Bigfoot?

"The evidence is solid, like Greek Yogurt gone stale.", said Erk Holohed, a board member of the nearly prestigious YETI not SETI Institute, "Only a certified idiot or a Sasquatch, or both, would engage in such self-destructive political and economic behavior with their nation and creditors. Mr. Varoufukis may be a Bigfoot with a low Sasquatch simian IQ. This is a very logical irrational market explanation."

Brandenburg Gate Bashed by My Big Bad Greek Idiot BigFoot.
Brandenburg Gate Suffers Sasquatch Surprise:

To add insult in injury, the Bigfoot was spotted at Berlin's famous Brandenburg Gate, sending testy tourists fleeing in all directions. "I'm afraid we'll have to close the monument if we keeping getting nasty furry Sasquatch visits!" said a city official.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in fabulous Yuba City, California, was vexed. "I'm very vexed!", said Dr. Blinng. "I went to Berlin this summer thanks to a special conference on Crypto-Zoology paid for by the generous contributions of the financial patsies, er, supporters of our fine scientific research organization. Did I see any Bigfoots? NO! Scheissenbedaurn!"

Poor Germany has a history of being harassed by Belgian and Greek Sasquatches. Learn more about the notorious "Hamburg Bigfoot Incident".

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Serious People Seeking Serious Sasquatch Stash!

YETI not SETI Institute News Flash:

Amazing but true, BIGFOOT PROJECT INVESTMENTS INC is planning an Initial Public Offering for stock in the company on NASDAQ. We are not making this up.

Learn more about this innovative financial engineering move* to fund more Bigfoot research activities:

Bigfoot is an Investment Opportunity.

*We're really annoyed we didn't think of this first!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Secret Sasquatch Elected to Political Office?

Statesman Steals Election with Scurrilous Sasquatch Scandal?

Reaching a new low in political campaigns, a politician has resorted to bashing Bigfoots in order to win an election.

Kung-Fu will not work on a Bigfoot. Everyone knows that!
Ricard Scheister, Esq., Etc, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute board of directors, was judicially jaundiced and emotive;

"I was in a state of panic, er, a state of Washington, last fall, working on a lucrative, superfluous lawsuit aimed at some poor putz with deep-pockets."

"To my utter shock, I saw this bigoted bigfoot campaign poster prominently displayed at a local liquor store parking lot where I was conducting business, errr, research. It was horrible!"

"To vilify a poor and defenseless constituency like Sasquatches as a cheap tactic to buy votes is deplorable... damn I wish I'd thought of it first, my political career would have skyrocketed. Well, no matter... this looks like the makings of a first-class class-action lawsuit. This could make me millions!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, was sadly philosophical; "I am sad and feeling weirdly philosophical today. Why do people try to exploit Bigfoots for personal gain, on their own? Why do people seek to sully Sasquatch to enrich themselves? Why the heck don't they ask me for help, subject to the usual consulting and royalty fees commiserate with my ample expertise? Why, oh why? What fools!"

Erk Holohed, yet another senior Yeti not Seti board member, insisted there was a larger conspiracy at work than mere political expediency against Bigfoots; "Don't you see? THEY are putting Bigfoots into political office! How many of our politicians look and act like Bigfoots? When ready, THEY are going to launch a Sasquatch Coup and that's when THEY will allow Space Aliens to start buying used Hondas for mass exportation to their home world, emptying our planet of precious Accords.
The dots are all there, my friends.... start connecting them! Better buy fools-gold and greeky-yogurt now and store them under your mattress!"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Bigfoot Sighting in Hawaii!

Sasquatch Spotted Near Hualālai Volcano in Hawaii!

An unprecedented Bigfoot sighting at the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park at the Huluhoop, er, Hualihee, er, Hulubbahubba.... ah forget it! The beast was spotted near an active volcano, OK? National park rangers and crypto-anthropologists are erupting with excitement.

A group of mainland tourists visiting Hawaii on a holiday junket to the Big Island surprisingly spotted a nearly charred Sasquatch near the hulihee volcano. The animal was strolling over to a recently cooked picnic table, sniffing for any left-over french fries which survived recent lava flows. Local tourists, already dehydrated from the scorching lava, were shocked to see the ape-man. "The silly sasquatch looked dazed and thirsty, like it had been hanging around lava too long.", said one tourist, "Its hair was smelly and half-burnt - - it got way too close to the volcanoes. That beast didn't look very bright, to be honest."

One well-hydrated tourist took pity on the thermally traumatized terror, and gave the scorched Sasquatch a lukewarm Kona beer. The brew revived the beast long enough for it to steal two more beers and run off into a nearby forest.

Experts are very excited about all this volcanic sasquatch silliness. As a direct consequence of the sighting, the Federated League Association of BigFoot Believers (FLABB) has unanimously voted to hold their next convention at the Holiday Inn in Honolulu, ditching the luxurious Las Vegas Motel Six for the first time in years.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI Not SETI Institute, was steaming hot. "Gosh Darn It To HECK! I could have been on that expedition!" he erupted, "Instead I investigated the exotic mating habits of a rare flock of blue-banded-belly Banana Slugs near Santa Cruz. (Not a bad gig - I got paid $200 by the Cierra Klub). But how stupid of me! Believe me, even though I rarely get invited to the cool after-conference Ph.D parties, I'll be at that FLABB convention in Hawaii. And I'm going to submit a paper on this incident. Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I can't pontificate at extraordinary length about it. Look at all those experts on TV. THEY can talk for hours, but have THEY ever seen a bigfoot? Ha! Amateurs!"

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Is a Yeti the same as a BigFoot?

Ask The Bigfoot Experts:

"Is a Yeti the same as a Bigfoot"?

Yetis are fierce and annoying.
As self-proclaimed professional experts in Sasquatchology and related academic investigations of crypto-hominids, we at the YETI not SETI Institute get a lot of questions from the public, such as "where is my money?" and "are you guys really as dumb as you look?".

We don't answer those questions. For members of the curious public who thoughtfully slip $10 bills into their post-paid letters, we gladly answer all questions which do not concern legal matters.

Here is recent request from a Ms. Currey Balter living in Pasadena, Texas. Ms. Balter asks "So is a Yeti the same as a Bigfoot?" Ha! What a dumb question! Everyone knows that answer! Thanks for the 2 fivers, by the way.

A Yeti is a Himalayan version of BigFoot. A Bigfoot is a North American version of a Yeti. They are the same, but different. Like anchovies and celery sticks, or Spongebob Squarepants and Bart Simpson, or Nancy Pelosi and Nancy Sinatra, something like that. You know what we mean!

Of course, serious quasi-scientists speculate on the archeo-genetic relationship between these two species of smelly Eurasian and North American crypto-hominids. The endless theories fuel endless conferences at which these experts attend, most of which are in Las Vegas. The YETI not SETI institute always sends delegates to the Las Vegas events... competing conferences in Boise are sort of boring so we don't go.

Our fearless leader and illustrious founder Dr. Karl Blinng has submitted numerous papers to these events but the fools on the conference pseudo-science panels play politics and never approve his requests to present Institute findings.... they keep asking "where did you get your doctorate degree?" which is such a silly, biased, question and quite unfair! Fools! Idiots!

Well, as we were explaining in our elitist condescending manner, the natural range of feral Yetis are found in Central Asia, Siberia, and the Himalayas. Wild Bigfoots are found in remote areas of North America and hang around fast-food joints. Both are equally obnoxious.

Hey Sasquatch Pseudo-Science Fans! Send us your questions!

We'll be happy to ignore them unless financial incentives are attached.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Sasquatch Seen Sauntering Through Savanna Grassland!

Bigfoot Spotted in Grassland During Gracious Lobster Dining Ice Age.

Alert and inebriated guests at a fund raiser for the Arts in Livermore Valley were treated to a rare Bigfoot sighting. While truly amazing and shocking, the passing Sasquatch gained little notice as most of the guests were either slap-happy from too much Wente wine, or frozen stiff from the wind and fog that ripped through the prestigious Cape Cod Lobster Fest event.

Savanna Sasquatch sighted in Livermore.

The fund raiser director was shocked. "I was shocked", she said, "First we ran out of finger food and organic tofu salad, then those fancy olives with tooth picks in them were gone, then we were in danger of running out of delicious luke-warm lobster bathed in margarine. Man, those people could eat, like they'd never seen melted lard before! Then the wind kicked up. Then the fog rolled in. As the theme of the event was "Cape Cod Nudity Beach and Lobster Boil", people were suffering from the unexpected cold weather. Then this nasty beast lurking in the grassland was spotted strolling nearby next to the golf course. Thank God we had exciting radio and TV personalities to entertain the crowd, or we would have had panic!".

Nearby golfers took little notice, as the fourth hole had a particularly devilish angle involving sand traps for chip shots and putting. "Bigfoot? What Bigfoot? I had $100.00 riding on that hole, and messed up my putt thanks to the commotion over at that fancy artsy fartsy party. Screw Sasquatch!" said a frustrated local duffer.

Livermore police are once again flummoxed by yet another Sasquatch sighting. "Why us? What did we do to deserve this yet again?", said an exasperated spokesman. Livermore has been the victim of numerous Bigfoot sightings in the last few years for no apparent reason, other than the fact the city is host to a top secret government research laboratory which is harboring revolutionary alien teeth cleaning technologies and is attempting a dangerous experiment to combine brussel sprouts and oregano through laser driven nuclear fusion.