Saturday, February 14, 2015

Serious People Seeking Serious Sasquatch Stash!

YETI not SETI Institute News Flash:

Amazing but true, BIGFOOT PROJECT INVESTMENTS INC is planning an Initial Public Offering for stock in the company on NASDAQ. We are not making this up.

Learn more about this innovative financial engineering move* to fund more Bigfoot research activities:

Bigfoot is an Investment Opportunity.

*We're really annoyed we didn't think of this first!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Secret Sasquatch Elected to Political Office?

Statesman Steals Election with Scurrilous Sasquatch Scandal?

Reaching a new low in political campaigns, a politician has resorted to bashing Bigfoots in order to win an election.

Kung-Fu will not work on a Bigfoot. Everyone knows that!
Ricard Scheister, Esq., Etc, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute board of directors, was judicially jaundiced and emotive;

"I was in a state of panic, er, a state of Washington, last fall, working on a lucrative, superfluous lawsuit aimed at some poor putz with deep-pockets."

"To my utter shock, I saw this bigoted bigfoot campaign poster prominently displayed at a local liquor store parking lot where I was conducting business, errr, research. It was horrible!"

"To vilify a poor and defenseless constituency like Sasquatches as a cheap tactic to buy votes is deplorable... damn I wish I'd thought of it first, my political career would have skyrocketed. Well, no matter... this looks like the makings of a first-class class-action lawsuit. This could make me millions!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, was sadly philosophical; "I am sad and feeling weirdly philosophical today. Why do people try to exploit Bigfoots for personal gain, on their own? Why do people seek to sully Sasquatch to enrich themselves? Why the heck don't they ask me for help, subject to the usual consulting and royalty fees commiserate with my ample expertise? Why, oh why? What fools!"

Erk Holohed, yet another senior Yeti not Seti board member, insisted there was a larger conspiracy at work than mere political expediency against Bigfoots; "Don't you see? THEY are putting Bigfoots into political office! How many of our politicians look and act like Bigfoots? When ready, THEY are going to launch a Sasquatch Coup and that's when THEY will allow Space Aliens to start buying used Hondas for mass exportation to their home world, emptying our planet of precious Accords.
The dots are all there, my friends.... start connecting them! Better buy fools-gold and greeky-yogurt now and store them under your mattress!"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Bigfoot Sighting in Hawaii!

Sasquatch Spotted Near Hualālai Volcano in Hawaii!

An unprecedented Bigfoot sighting at the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park at the Huluhoop, er, Hualihee, er, Hulubbahubba.... ah forget it! The beast was spotted near an active volcano, OK? National park rangers and crypto-anthropologists are erupting with excitement.

A group of mainland tourists visiting Hawaii on a holiday junket to the Big Island surprisingly spotted a nearly charred Sasquatch near the hulihee volcano. The animal was strolling over to a recently cooked picnic table, sniffing for any left-over french fries which survived recent lava flows. Local tourists, already dehydrated from the scorching lava, were shocked to see the ape-man. "The silly sasquatch looked dazed and thirsty, like it had been hanging around lava too long.", said one tourist, "Its hair was smelly and half-burnt - - it got way too close to the volcanoes. That beast didn't look very bright, to be honest."

One well-hydrated tourist took pity on the thermally traumatized terror, and gave the scorched Sasquatch a lukewarm Kona beer. The brew revived the beast long enough for it to steal two more beers and run off into a nearby forest.

Experts are very excited about all this volcanic sasquatch silliness. As a direct consequence of the sighting, the Federated League Association of BigFoot Believers (FLABB) has unanimously voted to hold their next convention at the Holiday Inn in Honolulu, ditching the luxurious Las Vegas Motel Six for the first time in years.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI Not SETI Institute, was steaming hot. "Gosh Darn It To HECK! I could have been on that expedition!" he erupted, "Instead I investigated the exotic mating habits of a rare flock of blue-banded-belly Banana Slugs near Santa Cruz. (Not a bad gig - I got paid $200 by the Cierra Klub). But how stupid of me! Believe me, even though I rarely get invited to the cool after-conference Ph.D parties, I'll be at that FLABB convention in Hawaii. And I'm going to submit a paper on this incident. Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I can't pontificate at extraordinary length about it. Look at all those experts on TV. THEY can talk for hours, but have THEY ever seen a bigfoot? Ha! Amateurs!"

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Is a Yeti the same as a BigFoot?

Ask The Bigfoot Experts:

"Is a Yeti the same as a Bigfoot"?

Yetis are fierce and annoying.
As self-proclaimed professional experts in Sasquatchology and related academic investigations of crypto-hominids, we at the YETI not SETI Institute get a lot of questions from the public, such as "where is my money?" and "are you guys really as dumb as you look?".

We don't answer those questions. For members of the curious public who thoughtfully slip $10 bills into their post-paid letters, we gladly answer all questions which do not concern legal matters.

Here is recent request from a Ms. Currey Balter living in Pasadena, Texas. Ms. Balter asks "So is a Yeti the same as a Bigfoot?" Ha! What a dumb question! Everyone knows that answer! Thanks for the 2 fivers, by the way.

A Yeti is a Himalayan version of BigFoot. A Bigfoot is a North American version of a Yeti. They are the same, but different. Like anchovies and celery sticks, or Spongebob Squarepants and Bart Simpson, or Nancy Pelosi and Nancy Sinatra, something like that. You know what we mean!

Of course, serious quasi-scientists speculate on the archeo-genetic relationship between these two species of smelly Eurasian and North American crypto-hominids. The endless theories fuel endless conferences at which these experts attend, most of which are in Las Vegas. The YETI not SETI institute always sends delegates to the Las Vegas events... competing conferences in Boise are sort of boring so we don't go.

Our fearless leader and illustrious founder Dr. Karl Blinng has submitted numerous papers to these events but the fools on the conference pseudo-science panels play politics and never approve his requests to present Institute findings.... they keep asking "where did you get your doctorate degree?" which is such a silly, biased, question and quite unfair! Fools! Idiots!

Well, as we were explaining in our elitist condescending manner, the natural range of feral Yetis are found in Central Asia, Siberia, and the Himalayas. Wild Bigfoots are found in remote areas of North America and hang around fast-food joints. Both are equally obnoxious.

Hey Sasquatch Pseudo-Science Fans! Send us your questions!

We'll be happy to ignore them unless financial incentives are attached.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Sasquatch Seen Sauntering Through Savanna Grassland!

Bigfoot Spotted in Grassland During Gracious Lobster Dining Ice Age.

Alert and inebriated guests at a fund raiser for the Arts in Livermore Valley were treated to a rare Bigfoot sighting. While truly amazing and shocking, the passing Sasquatch gained little notice as most of the guests were either slap-happy from too much Wente wine, or frozen stiff from the wind and fog that ripped through the prestigious Cape Cod Lobster Fest event.

Savanna Sasquatch sighted in Livermore.

The fund raiser director was shocked. "I was shocked", she said, "First we ran out of finger food and organic tofu salad, then those fancy olives with tooth picks in them were gone, then we were in danger of running out of delicious luke-warm lobster bathed in margarine. Man, those people could eat, like they'd never seen melted lard before! Then the wind kicked up. Then the fog rolled in. As the theme of the event was "Cape Cod Nudity Beach and Lobster Boil", people were suffering from the unexpected cold weather. Then this nasty beast lurking in the grassland was spotted strolling nearby next to the golf course. Thank God we had exciting radio and TV personalities to entertain the crowd, or we would have had panic!".

Nearby golfers took little notice, as the fourth hole had a particularly devilish angle involving sand traps for chip shots and putting. "Bigfoot? What Bigfoot? I had $100.00 riding on that hole, and messed up my putt thanks to the commotion over at that fancy artsy fartsy party. Screw Sasquatch!" said a frustrated local duffer.

Livermore police are once again flummoxed by yet another Sasquatch sighting. "Why us? What did we do to deserve this yet again?", said an exasperated spokesman. Livermore has been the victim of numerous Bigfoot sightings in the last few years for no apparent reason, other than the fact the city is host to a top secret government research laboratory which is harboring revolutionary alien teeth cleaning technologies and is attempting a dangerous experiment to combine brussel sprouts and oregano through laser driven nuclear fusion.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Bigfoot Spotted in San Francisco!

Bigfoot by the Bay: Sasquatch invades downtown San Francisco!

Jaded San Francisco denizens and flabbergasted tourists alike were shocked when a Sasquatch was spotted sauntering by a famous Cable Car station at Powell & Market streets. Authorities credit the afternoon foggy wind rolling in from the Pacific Ocean for dissipating the obnoxious fumes emitting from the unwashed brute. "We were lucky.", said the SF Assistant Vice-Superintendent for Tourist Stuff.

Reactions to the Sasquatch sighting ranged from bored indifference to sheer panic. Pigeons, sea gulls, small yappy dogs and other bothersome pests appear to have completely abandoned the neighborhood. Local tourists left en masse to visit scenic San Quentin, while regulars shrugged their shoulders.

"When you work in San Francisco you pretty much see it all, but watching this huge hairy beastie meander down Market street was novel, I've never seen anything like it!", said respected whiplash injury trial lawyer Ricard Scheister, an eyewitness to the rare bigfoot sighting. "I tried to give that creature my business card, just in case he runs into legal trouble and needs a noble defender of justice to protect him, but he ate my damn card! Heck, he probably has no financial assets anyway.
I don't work pro bono. Don't make me laugh!"
The San Francisco Sasquatch, ruining an otherwise picture perfect day.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the vastly under-appreciated YETI NOT SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, was peaked. "My interest is peaked, as in twin peaks. No, not that Twin Peaks Hooters knock-off, you bunch of juvenile demented sickos! No, I mean Twin Peaks in San Francisco! I bet that Sasquatch got lost and ended up in the City-by-the-Bay by accident. Sure, he'll be able to blend in and live off of organic tofu and cannabis scraps, but for how long?" 

"We've got find him and capture him, so that I can make a bloody fortune exhibiting that stupid fur-ball. Wait, I take that back. We've got to find this beast and capture him for his own protection and for the glorious progress of science. Yeah, that's it!"

Sunday, September 8, 2013

BigFoot Scare at Little Mermaid Statue!

Ferocious BigFoot Beastie Frightens Foreigners at Little Mermaid Statue!

Copenhagen has been cracked on the head again by another amazingly coincidental coincidence involving incredibly rare Sasquatch sightings in Denmark. The smelly beast was spotted gawking at the famous Little Mermaid Statue. "He was gobsmacked", said a day-tourist from lovely Middelfart, Denmark, "The nasty beast sauntered over to the statue and dropped his jaw, like he'd never seen Merhumans before! What a rube! We Danish have lived with half-human, half-fish creatures for a long time, we call them Swedes. "
Bizarre Bigfoot Sighting as the mythical hairy creature gazed aghast
at another mythical creature who lives on a rock, has fins, and nude breasts.
The Danish government has issued a security alert, advising all good citizens to be watchful for any signs of future BigFoot sightings. "Ja, vi Dans søger ape mand. Jeg håber bare vi ikke finde ham!" said the Copenhagen chief assistant for crypto-animal control.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Vikings Encountered Bigfoot in Ancient Times!

Long Lost Rune in Danish Pastry Museum Reveals Horrific Encounter Between Vikings and Sasquatch Creatures!

A pair of summer interns rummaging through dusty artifacts in a Denmark museum have stumbled upon one of the most incredible Bigfoot archaeological discoveries of the century, or at least for this week. Armed only with a "How to Read Ribald Runes For Fun & Profit" handbook, they were shocked to find an ancient reference to Bigfoots in Viking Era Denmark.

Spotted by some summer interns from the YETI NOT SETI Institute,  
this amazing stone rune from around 1000 AD  says "Bigfoot" in the 
ancient Nordic alphabet.  The Runic symbols in the upper left are 
usually associated with nasty, irritable, or obnoxious news.
"Let me tell you, we are stunned!" said one of the interns, "To find a revealing runic reference referencing revolting, rotten, rancid Sasquatches will rewrite the history books and make the Institute rich! Now maybe my Dad will finally pay for my airfare back to California. I have to go back to school."

Were Bigfoots brought back to Denmark from America? 
A recent photo from a shocked tourist supports this hypothesis. 
Note the reported Bigfoot is in the foreground. 
It is often difficult to tell them apart from Vikings.
Archaeologists are in a state of drama, "The academic fur is flying, and much of it is mangy.", said Hans Bjørno Nielsen, Professor of Crypto-zoology and Viking Stuff at the little known but highly prestigious Institut for Undersøgelse Af Dumme Ting, located in Middelfart, Denmark.

Dr. Karl Blinng, recently released on parole after a plea-bargain regarding some YETI NOT SETI Institute 'creative accounting misunderstandings' with the IRS, could not contain himself. "Ya Sure! We are all Vikings now! This discovery in Denmark confirms a suspicion I've had for years, that if those crazy Vikings managed to make it to New Foundland one thousand years ago, they must have encountered Sasquatches! But how could you tell them apart? Both Bigfoots and Vikings (especially after a 3 month sea voyage), would have been hairy ill-mannered beasts who smell really bad. No wonder the local residents didn't get along with those nasty Nordics." At this point, Dr. Blinng became very agitated and was escorted back to the Institute after these parting words: "Have you ever seen a depiction of Erik The Red? You can't see his face for his beard! One wonders if the Vikings were closely related to Bigfoot? DNA testing! I need DNA testing! Just one stupid double helix strand of Sasquatch genetic material will do the job! Fandens! Hvad kræver det at få nogle gode praktikanter rundt her!"

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sasquatch Spotted in Giant Sequoias. BigFoot Attacks Yosemite Photographer!

BigFoot attack in Yosemite creates panic. The Yosemite Valley becomes touristic ghost-town. Ahwahnee Hotel suffers wave of cancellations as well-heeled tourists flee. 

Yosemite National Park rangers are reeling yet again from yet another nasty incident involving marauding Sasquatches and unsuspecting, naive, tourists. The Yosemite valley remains closed as park employees search park hotels, motels, tents, cars, garbage cans, and large beer coolers for signs of the beastly animal.

"This ain't your average lazy black bear breaking into cabins for old snack food", said Ranger Racine, a 20 year veteran of the park, "Heck no, these Sasquatch types are much more clever, dangerous, and odoriferous, than mere bears. They'll go for anything that smells like junk food. These feral simians will stop at nothing to get it!"
Amazing photograph of the elusive Yosemite Sasquatch,
just seconds before it attacked and robbed.
The Bigfoot assaulted a lost tourist from Martini, California, who visited the famous "Grizzly" Sequoia tree to take a few photographs, "I took about 4 shots. When I decided that was enough, I closed my whisky bottle and proceeded to take few pictures of the tree. I was real hungry after all that work, so I decided to eat a Twinkies double pack to celebrate. I barely took the first twinkie out of the wrapper when this huge hairy ape-man appeared out of the brush, ran and tackled me, and grabbed my twinkies! Luckily I was able to take a photo before the monster mowed me over. The smell from that animal was horrible, like a dead skunk, and the fleas were everywhere."

The traumatized victim is now recovering in a luxury suite in the nearly empty Ahwahnee Hotel, dining on gourmet cheeseburgers and watching animal kingdom reruns, after signing certain legal documents releasing Yosemite park officials from any potential liability associated with the hairy Sasquatch encounter.

Dr. Karl Blinng, the esteemed, deranged, director of the YETI not SETI Institute in nearby Yuba City, California, was very expressive. "THIS is BIG.", he said, spreading out his arms, "I mean, this is REALLY BIG. Oh Yeah. BIG like a SEQUOIA. No, EVEN BIGGER THAN THAT. BIG like a BLUE WHALE. On a SEQUOIA. But BIG with NO WATER, right? I mean BIG AS A SEQUOIA, Only with a BLUE WHALE on TOP to make it BIGGER. But with NO WATER, 'cause that would be DUMB. Yeah, that's how BIG this Bigfoot Spotting REALLY is! It's HUGELY B-B-B-B-BIG!" At that point, Dr. Blinng abruptly stopped the interview when he spotted suspected debt collectors in the audience. Dr. Blinng was quickly hustled back to Institute by his security team before the frustrated gang of creditors could serve any of those pesky subpoenas.