Sunday, August 17, 2014

Sasquatch Seen Sauntering Through Savanna Grassland!

Bigfoot Spotted in Grassland During Gracious Lobster Dining Ice Age.

Alert and inebriated guests at a fund raiser for the Arts in Livermore Valley were treated to a rare Bigfoot sighting. While truly amazing and shocking, the passing Sasquatch gained little notice as most of the guests were either slap-happy from too much Wente wine, or frozen stiff from the wind and fog that ripped through the prestigious Cape Cod Lobster Fest event.

Savanna Sasquatch sighted in Livermore.

The fund raiser director was shocked. "I was shocked", she said, "First we ran out of finger food and organic tofu salad, then those fancy olives with tooth picks in them were gone, then we were in danger of running out of delicious luke-warm lobster bathed in margarine. Man, those people could eat, like they'd never seen melted lard before! Then the wind kicked up. Then the fog rolled in. As the theme of the event was "Cape Cod Nudity Beach and Lobster Boil", people were suffering from the unexpected cold weather. Then this nasty beast lurking in the grassland was spotted strolling nearby next to the golf course. Thank God we had exciting radio and TV personalities to entertain the crowd, or we would have had panic!".

Nearby golfers took little notice, as the fourth hole had a particularly devilish angle involving sand traps for chip shots and putting. "Bigfoot? What Bigfoot? I had $100.00 riding on that hole, and messed up my putt thanks to the commotion over at that fancy artsy fartsy party. Screw Sasquatch!" said a frustrated local duffer.

Livermore police are once again flummoxed by yet another Sasquatch sighting. "Why us? What did we do to deserve this yet again?", said an exasperated spokesman. Livermore has been the victim of numerous Bigfoot sightings in the last few years for no apparent reason, other than the fact the city is host to a top secret government research laboratory which is harboring revolutionary alien teeth cleaning technologies and is attempting a dangerous experiment to combine brussel sprouts and oregano through laser driven nuclear fusion.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Bigfoot Spotted in San Francisco!

Bigfoot by the Bay: Sasquatch invades downtown San Francisco!

Jaded San Francisco denizens and flabbergasted tourists alike were shocked when a Sasquatch was spotted sauntering by a famous Cable Car station at Powell & Market streets. Authorities credit the afternoon foggy wind rolling in from the Pacific Ocean for dissipating the obnoxious fumes emitting from the unwashed brute. "We were lucky.", said the SF Assistant Vice-Superintendent for Tourist Stuff.

Reactions to the Sasquatch sighting ranged from bored indifference to sheer panic. Pigeons, sea gulls, small yappy dogs and other bothersome pests appear to have completely abandoned the neighborhood. Local tourists left en masse to visit scenic San Quentin, while regulars shrugged their shoulders.

"When you work in San Francisco you pretty much see it all, but watching this huge hairy beastie meander down Market street was novel, I've never seen anything like it!", said respected whiplash injury trial lawyer Ricard Scheister, an eyewitness to the rare bigfoot sighting. "I tried to give that creature my business card, just in case he runs into legal trouble and needs a noble defender of justice to protect him, but he ate my damn card! Heck, he probably has no financial assets anyway.
I don't work pro bono. Don't make me laugh!"
The San Francisco Sasquatch, ruining an otherwise picture perfect day.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the vastly under-appreciated YETI NOT SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, was peaked. "My interest is peaked, as in twin peaks. No, not that Twin Peaks Hooters knock-off, you bunch of juvenile demented sickos! No, I mean Twin Peaks in San Francisco! I bet that Sasquatch got lost and ended up in the City-by-the-Bay by accident. Sure, he'll be able to blend in and live off of organic tofu and cannabis scraps, but for how long?" 

"We've got find him and capture him, so that I can make a bloody fortune exhibiting that stupid fur-ball. Wait, I take that back. We've got to find this beast and capture him for his own protection and for the glorious progress of science. Yeah, that's it!"

Sunday, September 8, 2013

BigFoot Scare at Little Mermaid Statue!

Ferocious BigFoot Beastie Frightens Foreigners at Little Mermaid Statue!

Copenhagen has been cracked on the head again by another amazingly coincidental coincidence involving incredibly rare Sasquatch sightings in Denmark. The smelly beast was spotted gawking at the famous Little Mermaid Statue. "He was gobsmacked", said a day-tourist from lovely Middelfart, Denmark, "The nasty beast sauntered over to the statue and dropped his jaw, like he'd never seen Merhumans before! What a rube! We Danish have lived with half-human, half-fish creatures for a long time, we call them Swedes. "
Bizarre Bigfoot Sighting as the mythical hairy creature gazed aghast
at another mythical creature who lives on a rock, has fins, and nude breasts.
The Danish government has issued a security alert, advising all good citizens to be watchful for any signs of future BigFoot sightings. "Ja, vi Dans søger ape mand. Jeg håber bare vi ikke finde ham!" said the Copenhagen chief assistant for crypto-animal control.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Vikings Encountered Bigfoot in Ancient Times!

Long Lost Rune in Danish Pastry Museum Reveals Horrific Encounter Between Vikings and Sasquatch Creatures!

A pair of summer interns rummaging through dusty artifacts in a Denmark museum have stumbled upon one of the most incredible Bigfoot archaeological discoveries of the century, or at least for this week. Armed only with a "How to Read Ribald Runes For Fun & Profit" handbook, they were shocked to find an ancient reference to Bigfoots in Viking Era Denmark.

Spotted by some summer interns from the YETI NOT SETI Institute,  
this amazing stone rune from around 1000 AD  says "Bigfoot" in the 
ancient Nordic alphabet.  The Runic symbols in the upper left are 
usually associated with nasty, irritable, or obnoxious news.
"Let me tell you, we are stunned!" said one of the interns, "To find a revealing runic reference referencing revolting, rotten, rancid Sasquatches will rewrite the history books and make the Institute rich! Now maybe my Dad will finally pay for my airfare back to California. I have to go back to school."


Were Bigfoots brought back to Denmark from America? 
A recent photo from a shocked tourist supports this hypothesis. 
Note the reported Bigfoot is in the foreground. 
It is often difficult to tell them apart from Vikings.
Archaeologists are in a state of drama, "The academic fur is flying, and much of it is mangy.", said Hans Bjørno Nielsen, Professor of Crypto-zoology and Viking Stuff at the little known but highly prestigious Institut for Undersøgelse Af Dumme Ting, located in Middelfart, Denmark.

Dr. Karl Blinng, recently released on parole after a plea-bargain regarding some YETI NOT SETI Institute 'creative accounting misunderstandings' with the IRS, could not contain himself. "Ya Sure! We are all Vikings now! This discovery in Denmark confirms a suspicion I've had for years, that if those crazy Vikings managed to make it to New Foundland one thousand years ago, they must have encountered Sasquatches! But how could you tell them apart? Both Bigfoots and Vikings (especially after a 3 month sea voyage), would have been hairy ill-mannered beasts who smell really bad. No wonder the local residents didn't get along with those nasty Nordics." At this point, Dr. Blinng became very agitated and was escorted back to the Institute after these parting words: "Have you ever seen a depiction of Erik The Red? You can't see his face for his beard! One wonders if the Vikings were closely related to Bigfoot? DNA testing! I need DNA testing! Just one stupid double helix strand of Sasquatch genetic material will do the job! Fandens! Hvad kræver det at få nogle gode praktikanter rundt her!"

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sasquatch Spotted in Giant Sequoias. BigFoot Attacks Yosemite Photographer!

BigFoot attack in Yosemite creates panic. The Yosemite Valley becomes touristic ghost-town. Ahwahnee Hotel suffers wave of cancellations as well-heeled tourists flee. 

Yosemite National Park rangers are reeling yet again from yet another nasty incident involving marauding Sasquatches and unsuspecting, naive, tourists. The Yosemite valley remains closed as park employees search park hotels, motels, tents, cars, garbage cans, and large beer coolers for signs of the beastly animal.

"This ain't your average lazy black bear breaking into cabins for old snack food", said Ranger Racine, a 20 year veteran of the park, "Heck no, these Sasquatch types are much more clever, dangerous, and odoriferous, than mere bears. They'll go for anything that smells like junk food. These feral simians will stop at nothing to get it!"
Amazing photograph of the elusive Yosemite Sasquatch,
just seconds before it attacked and robbed.
The Bigfoot assaulted a lost tourist from Martini, California, who visited the famous "Grizzly" Sequoia tree to take a few photographs, "I took about 4 shots. When I decided that was enough, I closed my whisky bottle and proceeded to take few pictures of the tree. I was real hungry after all that work, so I decided to eat a Twinkies double pack to celebrate. I barely took the first twinkie out of the wrapper when this huge hairy ape-man appeared out of the brush, ran and tackled me, and grabbed my twinkies! Luckily I was able to take a photo before the monster mowed me over. The smell from that animal was horrible, like a dead skunk, and the fleas were everywhere."

The traumatized victim is now recovering in a luxury suite in the nearly empty Ahwahnee Hotel, dining on gourmet cheeseburgers and watching animal kingdom reruns, after signing certain legal documents releasing Yosemite park officials from any potential liability associated with the hairy Sasquatch encounter.

Dr. Karl Blinng, the esteemed, deranged, director of the YETI not SETI Institute in nearby Yuba City, California, was very expressive. "THIS is BIG.", he said, spreading out his arms, "I mean, this is REALLY BIG. Oh Yeah. BIG like a SEQUOIA. No, EVEN BIGGER THAN THAT. BIG like a BLUE WHALE. On a SEQUOIA. But BIG with NO WATER, right? I mean BIG AS A SEQUOIA, Only with a BLUE WHALE on TOP to make it BIGGER. But with NO WATER, 'cause that would be DUMB. Yeah, that's how BIG this Bigfoot Spotting REALLY is! It's HUGELY B-B-B-B-BIG!" At that point, Dr. Blinng abruptly stopped the interview when he spotted suspected debt collectors in the audience. Dr. Blinng was quickly hustled back to Institute by his security team before the frustrated gang of creditors could serve any of those pesky subpoenas.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Colombia BigFoot Sighting!

Bigfoot Boogie in Bogota?

Beautiful Bogotá Colombia has been badly bothered by a savage series of horrible high-altitude Bigfoot sightings. While no one has been physically hurt, complaints of nausea and migraine headaches have flooded local bars and hospitals in neighborhoods where a rare, slinking Sasquatch has been discovered.
Brazen Bogota Bigfoot sightings have
provoked massive disgust in the city.
"¡Qué mono feo! Just seeing that lice ridden beast from across Calle 100 during rush hour was enough to make me sick.", said a local commuter, now under closely monitored canelazo drinks sedation in a local cantina.

"We Rolos are rather realistic, but today Rolos are revolted, ruined, and reeling from this wretched event.", said local crypto-anthropogicial history expert Dr. Julioo Juminez Juvier Jablonwski, senior fellow at the Corporación Universal de Investigación y Tecnología de Cosas Tontas (CORUNIVITECCT) in Bogota.

Bizarre Bogota Bigfoot caught on camera,
searching for day-old deep-fried street vendor food.
"This rare Colombian Sasquatch displayed typical behaviors seen in specimens of gigantopithicus revoltus sighted across the world", explained Dr. Julioo, "the ape-man exhibited superb hunter gatherer skills - it  stalked old deep-fried street foods, especially empanadas rancios, and was involved in several hostile confrontations with tiny yappy dogs. The apeman animal apparently does not understand basic personal hygiene habits. This is normal Sasquatch behavior in the wild."

The Bogota police's elite SWAT (Sasquatch Where Art Thou?) team is conducting a systematic search in this city of over 10 million certified homo sapiens for the elusive Sasquatch.

Erk Holohed, a North American (gringo mentecato) businessman visiting Bogota during the Sasquatch scare was an eye-witness to the nasty beast prowling Calle 100 and shared his simian street ordeal... "That bigfoot apeman was an olfactory disaster, let me tell you. Luckily I was upwind. People downwind on the street weren't so lucky, poor devils. If that hairy menace had invaded Andrés Carne de Res, every floor in the restaurante would have to be renamed infierno!"

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Bigfoot Bali Bashing!

Trouble in Paradise as Rare Bigfoot spotted on the Formerly Serene Tropical Paradise Known as Bali - Panicked Paleontologists Lobby to Move Conferences to Denpaser!

Battalions of Sasquatchologists are descending upon Bali as Legions of  Tourists are fleeing in the opposite direction, after the unsuspecting island of Bali suffered a serious, itchy, rash of bothersome Bigfoot sightings in the famous tropical tourist trap.
Amazing photo of fleeing Sasquatch Spotted in Bali Rice Paddy.
The loving terms people usually think of for Bali include 'tropical', 'paradise', 'beaches', 'booze', 'rip-off', and 'drunk Australians'. This rather naive view of the island has been greatly challenged by the sighting of a North American Bigfoot. The Bali department of tourism fleecing is now fighting hard to combat the latest terms hitting social media sites from Bali to Bombay to Baltimore to Brussels to Bong Bong - 'smelly', 'hairy', 'unfortunate', 'devolution', 'lice', and 'bloody bigfoots'.
Pondering Bigfoot - Sniffing fried food near a Bali temple,
the apeman paused for olfactory guidance. 
Both locals and tourists reported seeing the large ape-beast on the island. Police are feverishly searching frantically, but no further Sasquatch sightings have occurred since the Bigfoot robbed a street vendor of his rancid fried rice in Singaraja. "The hairy beast may be satiated for now", said local anthropologist Simalac Sardini, "but he will strike again! A pity the beast has not discovered the importance of good personal hygiene, nor of eating a healthy diet."
Bali, Beach, and Bigfoot?
Island's touristic reputation goes badly wrong
 when a Sasquatch soils scenic sands.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the dubious SETI NOT YETI Institute in routine Yuba City, California, was on the island at the time of the bizarre Sasquatch sightings. "Yep, I was on that accursed island. I was on Bali for official Institute business, you understand, looking for places to stash my embezz.... er, to invest our valuable benefactor's contributions for the greater good of science, ah, and stuff like that. I never saw that illicit beast, but now that the pseudo-scientific world is going ga-ga over this, I smell an opportunity. I'm announcing a new Bali based Bigfoot Conference as soon as possible, charging $1,800 a head. To keep delegates from suspecting they're being completely ripped off, I've added a culture hour, free lunch, and added a bonus entire day focused on "homo floresiensis: were they real bigfoot hobbits, and are they in those middle earth New Zealand movies for crowd scenes"? I'll show them the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's going to be great! I might even bring an intern from Chico State with me... hey, strictly business!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bigfoot Human Hybrid Discovered in Texas!

Shocking Sasquatch Liason Produces Butt-Ugly Bigfoot Hybrid in Texas. 

Sasquatch Sights amazes the world with another earth-shaking Bigfoot discovery.... Sasquatches carry human DNA and cross-breed with humans.

"OK, I admit this is a distrubing and disgusting thought, but hey, our some of our more randy ancestors apparently 'did it' with knuckle dragging Neanderthals thousands of years ago, so why not with hairy and smelly gigantopithicus revoltus too? Of course, none of my ancestors would have been so stupid enough to mix genes with either of these hominid species. I suspect the confused humans which cross-bred with Sasquatches are what we really self-important anthropologists classify as homo sapiens idiotae.", sniffed Briann Lerkee, renown Bigfoot researcher with a Ph.D. ("My degree came beautifully framed, in the mail.") in Sasquatchology at the prestigous Rice-Arrony University in Texas.

Bigfoot-Human Hybrid Spotted in Texas:

Astonishing the world, Dr. Lerkee revealed an amazing photograph taken by Jon Smorris, semi-professional nature photographer and big-game hunter ("I shoot 'em, then I shoot 'em."), when Smorris was lost deep in wild piney forests near Lufkin, Texas. "Man was I scared!" exclaimed Smorris, "That forsaken creature lurched at me from behind a big rock, making goofy wild gestures it wanted junk food, and wanted it now. I threw the beast a granola bar, but he took a one bite, scowled, spit it out, and got even more upset. I was desperate to escape, so I threw the ape-man the only slim-jim I had.... he liked that alot and ran off into the woods. I was so shaken all I could do was take this one photograph. I'm never going back there again! Uh, unless you pay me, of course".
God and Nature Disapprove: Rare Sasquatch-Human
Hybrid seen roaming the backwoods of East Texas.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in hyperactive Yuba City, California, was ecstatic. "This is the proof  I needed! I am convinced some of my classmates in high school had something ape-like about them, it all makes sense now. They were part Bigfoot. Why, oh why, did I not take DNA samples from those dumb brutes when I had the chance! Curses!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wisconsin Bigfoot Attack! Cheeseheads Panic. Packers Lose.

Snarly Sasquatch Attacks Rare Roof Goats at Famous Wisconsin Cheesehead Restaurant!

A well known tourist icon in Wisconsin has become a scene of bezerk Bigfoot mayhem this week when a rare Great Lakes Sasquatch suddenly appeared at Al Johnson's famous Swedish restaurant in quaint Is That Your Sister Bay, Wisconsin. "It was totally crazy!", said a shift manager, "Ya sure, one minute business is all great and 'would you like yet another Swedish Meatball to go with that Varmrökt lax?', when suddenly this hairy hideous beast appears outside the restaurant, scaring our poor roof goats and patrons alike! It's going to take hours to clean up this mess and we're still trying to round up all them goats... they are terrified out of their little goaty brains, yoo betcha!"
Cheesehead Goats in Peril:
Wild Sasquatch caught on camera, charging Al Johnson's formerly placid roof goats.
Sister Bay police are on high alert, and have advised citizens to stay indoors until April. "Hey, it's winter! It's too damn cold out now anyhoo. Stop to da Pig for beer if you need to, but try and wait until Spring to venture out in the snow drifts. Our lovely winter will drive that nasty Bigfoot beast right back to Chicago, where he no doubt came from.", said a city spokesman. A 24 hour surveillance camera has been installed at the restaurant, in an attempt to capture an image of the marauding monster.
Inte välkomna! Bigfoot not welcome here!
Famous roof goats missing in action as Sasquatch scares them away.
Along with the novel sighting of a Bigfoot in Wisconsin, stunned eyewitnesses watched as the Al Johnson Roof Goats leaped off the grass roof in a frantic race to escape the frightening and odoriferous ape-man, while simultaneously breaking  the longstanding, 40 year-old, Guinness World Record for international goat leaping. "You'd a thought them goats had wings!", said an amazed local.  
Cheeky Sasquatch looking chuffed at all the goat chaos he caused. 
Cheesehead Chaos Considered:
What drove the hairy semi-simian to attack the goats? "There are many reasons!", exclaimed world famous Sasquatch expert Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the ivy covered* YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California. "Buy my book to learn them all. What, you think I'd be STUPID enough to tell you all the motivations a Sasquatch would have to attack feral roof goats, when I can sell them to you? Hah, I wasn't born yesterday, you know!"

*The Institute is a bit behind in payments to their landscaping service. A simple misunderstanding, we can assure you. Any donations will be greedily accepted.