Friday, March 27, 2009

Mayhem in Mexico as BigFoot Bungles USA Border Relations

Sasquatch in Mexico City! "BigFoot Left A Horrible Mess !"

Mexico City health and safety officials admitted today that earlier reports of a BigFoot sighting in the city were "autentico". The under-secretary to the assistant of the vice-deputy director to the advisor for city public sanitation urged citizens "not to panic" as he was leaving the city for a "short trip" to Terra Del Fuego by car.

Bigfoot in Polanco.
The hairy Sasquatch startled witnesses by roaming the posh Polanco area of Mexico City near the El Camino Polanco Hotel. A local businessman, Rodrigo Ramon Rodrigo Rodriguez, ran right into Bigfoot, "It was late afternoon, I was walking down Mariano Escobedo Street, thinking about my imbecile business partners, when I turned the corner and came face-to-face with this really ugly, hairy, stinky Ape-Man. He was ferocius, growling and making a lot of noise. And the dogs! They were barking everywhere! The beast was fighting off a savage pack of wild snarling chihuahuas, they tried to steal the rotten sausages the Monkey-man was eating. It was an epic dumb-ape-versus-little-dog battle!"

Sasquatch roaming Mexico City.
Organizers of the World Baseball Classic in Mexico City denied that the BigFoot was a certain New York Yankees baseball player. "Don't be absurd, Johnny Damon wasn't here, he's at spring training!", said one organizer. Two Cuban baseball players 

attempted to defect during the games, but after the shock of seeing the smelly Sasquatch near their hotel they decided the free-market and lucrative MLB contracts were not worth it. "You know, they taught us in Cuban Commie Comrade School that capitalism is full of monsters, and for once they were right. We want to go home!".

City officials suspect BigFoot hid in Chapultepec Park in Mexico City, took "Sasquatch Siestas" there, and suffered from "Montezuma's Revenge", a severe gastro-intestinal condition. "How do we know he had a stomach problem? Because there was plenty of evidence, that's how we know!" said a weary park trash collector, wearing a face-mask and bio-hazard suit. "The mess was so bad we had to get a large dump truck and haul it all off as hazardous waste and incinerate everything, including the truck."

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, said "Fantastico! This is an incredible discovery of Sasquatch's amazing ability to travel outside of his species' normal pseudo-range. I will pay 3,000 pesos to anyone in Mexico City who provides Bigfoot DNA from the ample samples the creature left behind during his Mexican adventure. In fact, it is time to visit Mexico myself to further investigate this incident and conduct research. Yes, I think Puerto Vallarta will work, or perhaps Acapulco... there is a connection between Sasquatch, beach resorts, margaritas and cheap drink-umbrellas made of bamboo... I am sure BigFoot fits in somehow, I'm calling my travel agent."

And now, a public Sasquatch service for the good citizens of Mexico City:

Un anuncio público por parte del Dr. Félix Archuleta Roberto Arias, profesor de nada en particular, con el Instituto para el Estudio de Animales Mitológicos dice:

"Mira, toda esta historia de un Bigfoot es completamente falso! Es ridículo y estúpido. Creo que un gringo loco tiene un muñeco de plástico Bigfoot, tomó algunas fotos y todo el mundo en los EE.UU. se están volviendo locos! Lo que es realmente gracioso es que otros gringos piensan que esta historia es verdadera. También, creen de verdad Sasquatch es real! Este Bigfoot gringo no es nada como el Chupacabra. Tenemos mejores monstruos en Mexico!"

More Mexico Bigfoot News: 

BigFoot Mexico Mayhem - - Mexico City on Alert!

BigFoot Flu Detected in Gerbils! 

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

BigFoot in Mexico City?

Locals Claim Sasquatch Spotted  in Mexico City!
Polanco Business District on the alert for Sasquatch Sightings.
BigFoot spotted near Luxurious El Camino Polanco Hotel.

Bigfoot Sighting in Mexico City.

Eyewitness: "Increíble, creo que acabo de ver un BigFoot caminando por la calle, yo no lo creo! Que olía muy mal. Repugnante, de verdad."

Translation to Texan: "It is incredible, but I think I just saw a Bigfoot walking down the street, I don't believe it! The Beast smelled very bad. Disgusting odor, actually."

Friday, March 6, 2009


Sasquatch Spotted in Boxborough Badlands!
3rd BigFoot Sighting in Massachusetts Causes Casual Concern!

A helicopter crew from Boston spotted a "hairy looking ape-man" running through deep winter snow drifts surrounding the isolated village of Boxborough this week. The team was flying a snow-relief mission, carrying ready-to-eat ice cream and emergency toothpicks to the hard-hit arctic wastelands west of Boston when they spotted the strange animal.

"It shocked the heck out of us, believe you me!" said the pilot, Ms. Gamyne Macaroonyan, "we were delivering emergency supplies to the local rustic natives trapped by the recent blizzard. We must have spooked the BigFoot into making a run for it. When the creature saw the helicopter, he got really mad and gave us a rude hand gesture. Then he ran like crazy through the snow drifts! We think he was about to capture and eat some rare gourmet fungal tree-bark when we interrupted him. He looked grouchy." The pilot added that even though the helicopter was hovering over 100 feet above the Sasquatch, "a strong, nasty odor wafted up from the creature, the smell was overwhelming, kind of like the worst meal ever endured at summer camp. The odors caused serious engine damage to our chopper and we barely made it back to civilization".

Experts are fascinated by this Sasquatch event. "It's a well-known fact there are no all-weather roads leading into the Boxborough region, a largely unexplored wasteland of frozen tundra, deep arctic forest, hungry wild animals and vast forbidding glaciers. The area is not accessible by land for nine months of the year, and is quite dangerous". This huge siberian-like expanse, called the 'Boxborough Badlands', has no decent Gilbert & Sullivan opera societies nor French restaurants within 300 miles. "It is entirely plausible that a large, hairy, smelly hominid like BigFoot could co-exist with the local native population undetected and unnoticed for generations.", said Dr. Vlasik Pluntz, creative geography expert from MIT.

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California stated "This Boxborough BigFoot looks very promising. I mean, wow! Running through 20 foot snow drifts and making rude gestures? No human could do that... anyway we homo-sapiens would all be back at the ski lodge drinking hot adult beverages! No, this is definitely a verifiable Sasquatch sighting. The Board of Directors at the Institute still won't let me pay for acquiring priceless BigFoot odor, body excretion and DNA samples, but I have a petty-cash account they don't know about, the fools. Ha, who's the quack now, eh? I am willing to pay $23.18 American Dollars for the photos the Boston pilot took. Phone me, but no collect-calls, I have to watch expenses, times are tough!"

Almost famous big game hunter and photographer Geeon Snorris ("I shoot 'em then shoot 'em!") said "About time that Dr. Bling hombre started talkin' serious dinero. I'm goin' after this BigFoot monster and I'll track 'em down to the ends of the earth! Or at least to Witchita Falls...".

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hairy Havoc at Harvard! Educated BigFoot: Bogus or Bonafide?

Sasquatch Spotted at Harvard University? City of Cambridge in Chaos! More than Usual!

Students and Professors at Harvard University are more edgy than normal this week. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing an elusive BigFoot on campus. The beast had "long, smelly, matted stringy brown hair" and smelled like "really, really, really spoiled mayonnaise", campus police questioned three tenured professors who fit the description, but ruled them out. "None of them were eight feet tall, that sort of eliminated them as suspects.", said a Harvard security officer, "That creature must have been a Sasquatch!"

According to graduate students on the scene (undergraduate reports cannot be trusted), Sasquatch strolled down Peabody street towards the Littauer building and posed in front of the Science Center, "It had a good time, laughing and pointing his finger at the science
building inhabitants and making obscene gestures to startled scientists gawking from windows". The hairy beast then ran through the university, stopping to listen to a Mozart concerto emanating from the Music building. "Then things really got crazy", according to one doctoral student in crypto-zoology.

Authorities are still trying to put all the facts together, but from what we know Sasquatch headed straight toward the Museum of Comparative Zoology and ran through the main hallways, startling staff and students with an "offensive body odor" and "hysterical laughing sounds". "The hairy brute was mocking us. Such childish behaviour from a fellow hominid species, disgraceful!"

No one is talking, but BigFoot's campus invasion triggered another wild melee by rival gangs of zoology professors. Minutes after the Sasquatch sortee, hallway academia scuffles broke out after BigFoot's rampage.

"Yeah, I saw it all", said a Ph.D. specialist in fruit-fly follicles, "These rival gangs of professors rumbled over what to call the Ape-man. The profs fight all the time but no one talks so the campus cops can't stop it. Can't even tell you the gang colors, but they include crimson. There's a code of silence, you know?. Everyone in Zoology follows the code, but I'm a molecular biologist so I can talk, but no names, understand? Gotta be careful around here. The gigantopithecus and the paranthropus robustus gangs fought near the archaic humanoids display. There was a torn pocket-protector and a ripped copy of Nature on the floor after the gang fight."

A Harvard professor emeritus in Antiquities, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Is magnus pes scandal est vere ridiculum."

Cambridge City Council took immediate action, passing a resolution declaring the city to be a "Nuclear-free, Republican-free zone and Illegal Immigrant, Vegan, Gerbil and Sasquatch Sanctuary". "Bigfoot can stay as long as it obeys city sanitation laws, takes a bath, avoids tea parties, eats humane organic vegetarian foods, doesn't wear fur or lower property values."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI institute in Yuba City California, declared "I would pay $3000 to the first Harvard professor to send me authentic Bigfoot DNA, but my stupid board of directors reduced my budget for Sasquatch-bodily-fluid sample payouts. They're making an unreasonable demand that I get "value for money", what ever that means."