3rd BigFoot Sighting in Massachusetts Causes Casual Concern!
A helicopter crew from Boston spotted a "hairy looking ape-man" running through deep winter snow drifts surrounding the isolated village of Boxborough this week. The team was flying a snow-relief mission, carrying ready-to-eat ice cream and emergency toothpicks to the hard-hit arctic wastelands west of Boston when they spotted the strange animal.
"It shocked the heck out of us, believe you me!" said the pilot, Ms. Gamyne Macaroonyan, "we were delivering emergency supplies to the local rustic natives trapped by the recent blizzard. We must have spooked the BigFoot into making a run for it. When the creature saw the helicopter, he got really mad and gave us a rude hand gesture. Then he ran like crazy through the snow drifts! We think he was about to capture and eat some rare gourmet fungal tree-bark when we interrupted him. He looked grouchy." The pilot added that even though the helicopter was hovering over 100 feet above the Sasquatch, "a strong, nasty odor wafted up from the creature, the smell was overwhelming, kind of like the worst meal ever endured at summer camp. The odors caused serious engine damage to our chopper and we barely made it back to civilization".
Experts are fascinated by this Sasquatch event. "It's a well-known fact there are no all-weather roads leading into the Boxborough region, a largely unexplored wasteland of frozen tundra, deep arctic forest, hungry wild animals and vast forbidding glaciers. The area is not accessible by land for nine months of the year, and is quite dangerous". This huge siberian-like expanse, called the 'Boxborough Badlands', has no decent Gilbert & Sullivan opera societies nor French restaurants within 300 miles. "It is entirely plausible that a large, hairy, smelly hominid like BigFoot could co-exist with the local native population undetected and unnoticed for generations.", said Dr. Vlasik Pluntz, creative geography expert from MIT.
Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California stated "This Boxborough BigFoot looks very promising. I mean, wow! Running through 20 foot snow drifts and making rude gestures? No human could do that... anyway we homo-sapiens would all be back at the ski lodge drinking hot adult beverages! No, this is definitely a verifiable Sasquatch sighting. The Board of Directors at the Institute still won't let me pay for acquiring priceless BigFoot odor, body excretion and DNA samples, but I have a petty-cash account they don't know about, the fools. Ha, who's the quack now, eh? I am willing to pay $23.18 American Dollars for the photos the Boston pilot took. Phone me, but no collect-calls, I have to watch expenses, times are tough!"
Almost famous big game hunter and photographer Geeon Snorris ("I shoot 'em then shoot 'em!") said "About time that Dr. Bling hombre started talkin' serious dinero. I'm goin' after this BigFoot monster and I'll track 'em down to the ends of the earth! Or at least to Witchita Falls...".