Sunday, May 29, 2011

Spanish Sasquatch Sighting!

Basque Bigfoot Beast Boggles Bilbao! 

Bigfoot-plagued Basque city of Bilbao in undulating panico after shock Sasquatch invasion.
A seriously compromised eyewitness captured the audacious Bigfoot on camera, jogging along the Nervión river across from the Universidad de Deusto in Bilbao. "¡Qué mal olor! A disgustingly filthy animal - - that evil body aroma was indescribable." 
"It came from the hills", said a dumbfounded local, knocked senseless by the marauding mammal, "it made a really pathetic paseo by the river... the animal looked hungry, hungry for junk food.... everyone ran away screaming and tried to protect their fried goosebarnacles and vino txakoli!"
Bilbao city authorities deny Bigfoots are in the city. Erk Holohed, dubious Sasqautchologist, claims a massive cover-up is underway by the Spanish government. "The government is hiding the truth! Bigfeets have been spotted in Spain before - - at the Guggenheim and fighting an evil alien invasion martian spider. This is now the (trying to count his fingers) 4th, no wait, 2nd? wait, darn it.... 3rd time the wild apemen has been spotted in Bilbao. This is worse than the faked NASA moon landing conspiracy in 1969, I tell you!"
Brainy Bilbao Basque pseudo-paleolithic expert Xavier Extediarya was insulted. "What a boob, that Holohead character is a real txotxolo. Everyone knows that hairy ape creature is a 100% Basque Baxajuan... it only stole good Basque wine and ate good Basque junk food... it know what it was doing!" 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

New York Bigfoot Strikes Again!

The "Manhattan Monster" raids the Museum of Modern Art - - Avant-Garde Artists Astounded!
New York City residents, already grumpy from a shocking Bigfoot sighting in Central Park last week, have suffered another Sasquatch scare at the Museum of Modern Art in Manhattan. The world famous Museum, also known as "MOMA", "U MOMA", "MOMA MIA" and "I Don't Get It" to its many fans, has been closed to the public since the latest scandalous Sasquatch siege.
Beastly Bigfoot Boggled by Bonafide Modern Art.
The hairy creature was spotted amongst "priceless" modern art, gazing gobsmacked at a multi-textured finger-paint masterpiece entitled "Instant coffee stains on my undershirt armpits" or, "les taches de café instantané sur mes aisselles maillot", from the famous, almost dead, French international artiste Pieau Toutalli-Dorque. "I think this modern art bewildered the poor beast", said one New Jersey tourist scratching his head, "to be honest, I'm getting a headache from looking at this stuff myself!"
"Well", sniffed a junior museum curator,"This irritating bigfoot has bad social skills, poor hygiene, eats inorganic junk food, and is not fashionable, but at least this sorry apeman appreciates fine modern art when he sees it!" Museum authorities are relieved the Manhattan Bigfoot didn't use the museum masterpieces as a bathroom, avoiding the Sasquatch sculpture disaster the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao suffered several years ago.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the internationally infamous YETI not SETI Institute in urbane Yuba City, was happy to bandwagon the artsy angle for gratuitous self promotion. "I am an world recognized expert on Sasquatch art, you know. I took a general ed college class in art appreciation once - - I got a "C-", what a humiliation... that professor hated me and she took revenge because I told her Picasso was a demented lunatic with terrible eye-hand coordination - - thank you very much! She'll be sorry one day, when my true genius is recognized!".

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sasquatch Sighting in Central Park!

Bigfoot Spotted in New York City - - Roaming Central Park - - NYC "OMG"!
The jaded citizens of Gotham were astonished this weekend to learn a feral Bigfoot is living in Central Park, right under their stressed out noses. According to Gotham City police, the NYC Bigfoot is scrounging a living near "The Lake" in Central Park, taking advantage of heavy unnatural foliage and lost tourists to hide from Animal Control Inspectors and vicious Park Avenue Poodles.
Amazing photo of a wild Sasquatch roaming the remote badlands of Central Park.
How is this mysterious ape-creature surviving in Manhattan? According to quasi-experts at the Museum of unNatural History across from Central Park, the NYC Bigfoot is probably living off street-cart food and small furry animals. "We know these monkey-beasts crave both fried and junk food", said one scientist, "the beast appears to be foraging plenty of both. We've also noticed a dramatic drop in the squirrel and rat populations on the north side of the Park. Coincidence? I think not!"
City Hall is silent. "Are you kidding me?!", said a deputy junior part-time clerk in the Parks and Wreckreation Department, "If we lean on this Bigfoot ape guy, the Sierra Club will slap us with a endangered mythological species lawsuit in a New York minute! Better to just pretend that apeman isn't there."
Karl Blinng, Ph.D. and Director of the fabulous YETI not SETI Institute in semi-interesting Yuba City, California, was intrigued. "You know what? I am intrigued!", exclaimed Dr. Blinng, "We've known for years that New York City sewers harbor 30 foot python snakes, 60 pound rats, 2 ton alligators and Jimmy Hoffa... so a Sasquatch in NYC should not be a surprise. The question is, does the apeman know how to use the subway properly, or does he jump the turnstile?"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Switzerland in Shock as Bigfoot Bothers Basel!

Swiss Sasquatch Sighting in Basel Beggars Belief!
A rare Alpine Bigfoot has wreaked chaos and badly surprised the solid citizens of Basel, who are not used to such unplanned excitement. Swiss Defense Forces have deployed the latest army knife technology in the search for this dangerous beast. "We will find this nasty apeman", said a city spokesman on his smoking break, "or we will chase him to Geneva!".
Bigfoot in Basel. Swiss Sasquatch scares citizens!
Bigfoot in Basel: Incredible photo of an Alpine Sasquatch invading central Basel. "It stole my precious apfelküchlein snacks!", complained a shocked junkfood shopper on Riehenstrasse.
"This is an amazing cryptoscientific event, worthy of a lucrative book and documentary deal" said the famous pseudoscience author Eriiick von Dänikenheimer, famous Swiss author of "Donkey Carts of the Gods". "With this frankly unbelievable sighting of a missing-link beast in my own country, I am inspired to write a new book which links these ape-beasts to the Pyramids, ancient Space Aliens and the Golden Arches of McDonalds. I will make a fortune... my loyal followers accept any garbage I throw at them! Ahhhhh, this is off the record, right?".
Bigfoot on the Rhine. Basel very bothered.
Bigfoot on the Rhine: Extremely rare photo of an Alpine Sasquatch gazing across the Rhine river in Basel. "It smelled some really rancid fried food wafting over the river", said a shaken local, "he was sniffing the air trying to find the source. But let me tell you, I could smell him from across the bridge... what a horrible aroma! Our well-behaved Swiss dogs avoided that bridge for at least week after the monkyman crossed it."