Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bigfoot Human Hybrid Discovered in Texas!

Shocking Sasquatch Liason Produces Butt-Ugly Bigfoot Hybrid in Texas. 

Sasquatch Sights amazes the world with another earth-shaking Bigfoot discovery.... Sasquatches carry human DNA and cross-breed with humans.

"OK, I admit this is a distrubing and disgusting thought, but hey, our some of our more randy ancestors apparently 'did it' with knuckle dragging Neanderthals thousands of years ago, so why not with hairy and smelly gigantopithicus revoltus too? Of course, none of my ancestors would have been so stupid enough to mix genes with either of these hominid species. I suspect the confused humans which cross-bred with Sasquatches are what we really self-important anthropologists classify as homo sapiens idiotae.", sniffed Briann Lerkee, renown Bigfoot researcher with a Ph.D. ("My degree came beautifully framed, in the mail.") in Sasquatchology at the prestigous Rice-Arrony University in Texas.

Bigfoot-Human Hybrid Spotted in Texas:

Astonishing the world, Dr. Lerkee revealed an amazing photograph taken by Jon Smorris, semi-professional nature photographer and big-game hunter ("I shoot 'em, then I shoot 'em."), when Smorris was lost deep in wild piney forests near Lufkin, Texas. "Man was I scared!" exclaimed Smorris, "That forsaken creature lurched at me from behind a big rock, making goofy wild gestures it wanted junk food, and wanted it now. I threw the beast a granola bar, but he took a one bite, scowled, spit it out, and got even more upset. I was desperate to escape, so I threw the ape-man the only slim-jim I had.... he liked that alot and ran off into the woods. I was so shaken all I could do was take this one photograph. I'm never going back there again! Uh, unless you pay me, of course".
God and Nature Disapprove: Rare Sasquatch-Human
Hybrid seen roaming the backwoods of East Texas.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in hyperactive Yuba City, California, was ecstatic. "This is the proof  I needed! I am convinced some of my classmates in high school had something ape-like about them, it all makes sense now. They were part Bigfoot. Why, oh why, did I not take DNA samples from those dumb brutes when I had the chance! Curses!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wisconsin Bigfoot Attack! Cheeseheads Panic. Packers Lose.

Snarly Sasquatch Attacks Rare Roof Goats at Famous Wisconsin Cheesehead Restaurant!

A well known tourist icon in Wisconsin has become a scene of bezerk Bigfoot mayhem this week when a rare Great Lakes Sasquatch suddenly appeared at Al Johnson's famous Swedish restaurant in quaint Is That Your Sister Bay, Wisconsin. "It was totally crazy!", said a shift manager, "Ya sure, one minute business is all great and 'would you like yet another Swedish Meatball to go with that Varmrökt lax?', when suddenly this hairy hideous beast appears outside the restaurant, scaring our poor roof goats and patrons alike! It's going to take hours to clean up this mess and we're still trying to round up all them goats... they are terrified out of their little goaty brains, yoo betcha!"
Cheesehead Goats in Peril:
Wild Sasquatch caught on camera, charging Al Johnson's formerly placid roof goats.
Sister Bay police are on high alert, and have advised citizens to stay indoors until April. "Hey, it's winter! It's too damn cold out now anyhoo. Stop to da Pig for beer if you need to, but try and wait until Spring to venture out in the snow drifts. Our lovely winter will drive that nasty Bigfoot beast right back to Chicago, where he no doubt came from.", said a city spokesman. A 24 hour surveillance camera has been installed at the restaurant, in an attempt to capture an image of the marauding monster.
Inte välkomna! Bigfoot not welcome here!
Famous roof goats missing in action as Sasquatch scares them away.
Along with the novel sighting of a Bigfoot in Wisconsin, stunned eyewitnesses watched as the Al Johnson Roof Goats leaped off the grass roof in a frantic race to escape the frightening and odoriferous ape-man, while simultaneously breaking  the longstanding, 40 year-old, Guinness World Record for international goat leaping. "You'd a thought them goats had wings!", said an amazed local.  
Cheeky Sasquatch looking chuffed at all the goat chaos he caused. 
Cheesehead Chaos Considered:
What drove the hairy semi-simian to attack the goats? "There are many reasons!", exclaimed world famous Sasquatch expert Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the ivy covered* YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California. "Buy my book to learn them all. What, you think I'd be STUPID enough to tell you all the motivations a Sasquatch would have to attack feral roof goats, when I can sell them to you? Hah, I wasn't born yesterday, you know!"

*The Institute is a bit behind in payments to their landscaping service. A simple misunderstanding, we can assure you. Any donations will be greedily accepted.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Bigfoot Sighting in Germany! Hamburg Hectic from Ape Man Attacks!

Sasquatch Sours Sunday Strolls for Happy Hamburgers!

The City of Hamburg was put on high alert this weekend as random citizens reel from multiple sightings of a rare Bigfoot - - causing mayhem, neurotic dogs, and unprovoked beer drinking in mass quantities. "Hamburg has been horribly hurt.", said the Mayor, Bürgermeister Olaf Scholz, "Heck, Hamburg has been Harried, Hoodwinked, Harrassed, and Humiliated!".
Amazing Bigfoot Sighting along Lake Alster in Hamburg, causing massive
panic amongst terrified yippy yapping little fluffy dogs and irritating honking geese.
Erupting like a sewage spill from the marsh along formerly idyllic Lake Alster, the monster ape-man ran down a hiking trail towards the center of the city, sniffing over-cooked fried Frikadelle downwind and leaving behind dangerous public hygiene emergencies. Several joggers fell victim to these "landmines" and were briefly hospitalized and decontaminated.
"I was terrified!", exclaimed a day-old bratkartoffeln vendor, "the foul beast ran straight to our food fair tents and grabbed any fried junk-food he could stuff in his mouth. Igitt! That poor excuse for an animal grossed me out... I'm only going to fry tofu-flavored pretzels from now on, it's safer. What a hairy, smelly thief! "
Was für eine schreckliche Bestie!
IT CAME FROM THE LAKE! Hamburg invaded by rare Sasquatch intruder.
Top German scientists not involved in rocket research are investigating how this disgusting North American simian made a surprise nasty appearance in Hamburg. Almost-famous German Sasquatch expert, Dr. Pompös von Lächerlich, has a new theory, which he hopes to peddle to Stern magazine: "Das Sasquatch is perhaps not a strange seafarer from Amerika, no? Perhaps he come uninvited from Belgium, Ja? It is a known fact that Belgium has nasty Bigfoots roaming the countryside!"

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Bigfoot Beer Bash!

Sasquatch Sighting at Suds Symposium! 

Shocking the sane and sober, a highly regarded Bigfoot Ale beer tasting and pseudo scientific symposium on Gigantopithicus Revoltus was rudely interrupted by a savage Sasquatch snafu at the Sierra Nevada Brewery in charming Chico, California.
Amazing Bigfoot spotted at Sierra Nevada Brewery in cosmopolitan Chico.
"It was primate pandemonium in there!" said a Sasquatch symposium delegate and beer connoisseur, "A highly respected quack from Yuba City, named Dr. Blinng, was about to present his paper on theoretical toenail fungal problems likely associated with the Bigfoot species- - one of the highlights of the meeting - - when suddenly there was a loud racket outside. We ran out and saw the creature! What an exciting event, to actually SEE a Bigfoot.... pretty disgusting animal, to be honest."
Actual Bigfoot specimen
on display at the Brewery.

Dr. Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in scenic Yuba City, California, was perturbed. "How rude can a stupid Sasquatch be? I spend weeks preparing my presentation on Bigfoot toenail fungus, and that ape-man wrecked my big attempt to at last break into the elite cluster of scientific sasquatch stars. You know, the kind that get interviewed on MonsterQuest. I was that close! But I got even. I stole, ah, obtained, some lice ridden fur samples from that mummified bigfoot the brewery has on display... we'll test them for Sasquatch DNA. Then I'll finally write that Bigfoot bestseller, retire filthy rich, and spend my time hanging out with inebriated celebrities."

We know what our readers like! Sasquatch and Good Beer! Please don't miss this EXCLUSIVE SASQUATCH NEWS STORY:

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Beijing Bigfoot Sighting Brouhaha!

Super Scary Sino Sasquatch Spotted at Forbidden City and Tianamen Square! Politburo Perplexed! China Blames Japan.

Beijing citizens are nervous after random sightings of a "disgusting Yeti like creature" occurred at Tianamen Square and the Forbidden City. Burdened Bejing city officials are calling for calm, promising to find and capture the strange mangy ape animal which caused unwelcome disruption, pandemonium, chaos, but great photo ops for hundreds of tourists and souvenir hawkers.
Bigfoot in Beijing? The brave photographer who took this incredible photo
fainted from the fumes emitted from the beast and was hospitalized.
Hu Dat, a local purveyor of irregularly sized "I saw the Great Wall" t-shirts to confused foreign tourists, saw the bigfoot beast up close; "Nasty! Make me mad!", said Hu, "Tourists get scared! Run away! Whimps! This Yeti thing bad for business, very bad!"
Yeti-like ape-man roaming the Forbidden City.
An Americanski businessman visiting the Forbidden City, Erk Holohed, saw the furry creature enter the Forbidden City. "So I'm in Beijing on an important business trip, right? So everyone says 'OHHH MAN, YOU HAVE TO SEE THE FORBIDDEN CITY!', so I go right, expecting to see an incredible, historical marvel. But what did I see? An ugly, hairy and smelly bigfoot right in front of my face! Once you've smelled one of these things, the stink doesn't leave you... like a dead skunk. That beast ruined my trip. I hope they catch him - - then sell his fried hide as dinner at the Wangfujing night market next to the baked scorpions-on-a-stick."
Sasquatch Sighting at the Hall of Supreme Harmony.
Scared eyewitnesses said the encounter was neither supreme nor harmonious.
A local Beijing city official, who asked to remain anonymous, was relieved the Bigfoot sighting didn't occur in 2008. "Can you imagine this nasty creature causing trouble during the Olympics?", he said nervously, "That would have been a disaster. Who knows what personal hygienic damage he would have done to Birds Nest Stadium!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in exotic Yuba City, California, immediately called an emergency press conference at a local Jack-in-the-Box restaurant to exploit, errr, explain this amazing Sasquatch sighting in China. "This is not the first time this crypto-creature has been spotted in China. I of course take full credit for predicting this sighting. Please buy my new book, "Genghis Khan was a Bigfoot", now available at Amazon for the Kindling Reader, just $2.99 a copy. Please?".

Authoritative Pseudo Scientific Resources on Bigfoot, Sasquatch and Yeti sightings in China:

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sasquatch Sighting at Cannery Row - Sardines in Shock!

"Boisterous Bigfoot" spotted by Cannery Row Tourists - - Post Card Sales Plunge!

Monterey city officials are scrambling, groping in the fog, desperate to maintain cheery commercial calm after panicked tourists and John Steinbeck academics and groupies reported sighting a wild Sasquatch roaming Cannery Row, scouring the streets for leftover junk food. No damage was reported, but seagulls and stray dogs reportedly avoided the area for days afterwards.
Amazing photo of loitering Sasquatch at Cannery Row:
The prestigious Monterey Bay Aquarium is rumored to be considering adding a BigFoot Exhibit to
"exploit, errr, promote this popular pseudo-science and separate tourists from their wallets".
"What a shame", said a local citizen, "Before this beast showed up, Cannery Row was a poem, a stink, a grating noise, a quality of light, a tone, a habit, a nostalgia, a dream..... now it's a dirty limerick, a horrible odor, a howling animal, mange-ridden with bad hygiene, a furry nightmare." Row shop owner Eddy Ricketz, however, struggling with his frozen sardine sorbet and gr-eeek yogurt tofu franchise shop on Cannery Row, was perky and upbeat.... "Business hasn't been so good lately, but this Sasquatch thing could be just the ticket! I'm gonna order a case of risque low-brow joke Bigfoot postcards - - I'll sell 'em all to them tourists at full price, you'll see!" 
Dr. Blinng, Director of the almost famous Yeti Not Seti Institute in Yuba City, California, was miffed. "I'm seriously miffed! I have a laboratory, and I am an interesting character, so why hasn't anyone put me into a famous novel which can become a movie and then I can collect royalties? Why? Why?"

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Lone Star State Sasquatch Sighting!

Terrifying Texas Bigfoot Barges into Serene Summer Camp!

A toxic trespassing Sasquatch has raided Camp Ewok, an idyllic tree-house theme youth summer camp near Navasota, Texas. "That Bigfoot came out of nowhere.", said a camp volunteer, "The beast scrounged through our kitchen garbage cans, I think it was attracted by the strong odors from yesterday's fried chicken strips and french fries group dinner- - those little brats, errr I mean our esteemed paying guests, love greasy fried food stuff. It looks like Sasquatches make bad food choices too."
Reports from eye-witnesses claim the Bigfoot had an bizarre addiction for old half-drunk Big Red soda bottles, greedily gulping down any of this sugary glow-in-the-dark concoction he could find amongst the clould of flies swarming around the smelly kitchen refuse. The body odor of the Sasquatch was described as "stronger than 30 dead skunks", and the cloud of flies eagerly followed the Bigfoot back into the forest.
Texas Bigfoot
Bigfoot Barges into Blissful Texas Summer Camp:
This totally amazing photo was taken at Ewok  Cabin #6
Just hours later, a Texas rancher spotted the Bigfoot on a heavily wooded road just off FM 362 near Camp Ewok. "It was amazing. I was driving down one of my roads to check out reports of scared silly cattle, when this beast ran right in front of me! It happened fast.... I had enough time to leap out of my pick-up truck, set-up my tripod camera, and take just one time-lapse shot before the Sasquatch leaped back into the woods again. Sure I was scared, that was no deer or coyote... it was a 8 foot tall, nasty Bigfoot! A bunch of flies surrounded that Bigfoot, like he was a fly magnet or something."
Lunging Bigfoot seen crossing dirt road near Navasota, Texas. 
Mateo Holohead, Ph.D., an renown expert in Lone Star Sasquatchology at nearby Texas A&M University, was skeptical of local claims that a Bigfoot had been spotted. "I'm sure these people saw something bad and were greatly disgusted, affected and scared by it. But from the description of this animal - - poor hygiene, bad body odor, unfortunate eating habits, lack of self-discipline, etc., I can only conclude that this lost creature was a University of Texas undergraduate, or possibly a tea-sipping graduate professor. Nothing to be scared of, but definitely lock up your rancid garbage!"

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sasquatch Sighting at Shasta!

Mt. Shasta shatters from Bigfoot Encounter!

Locals in this wild, barren, wild, remote, forbidding, isolated, exiled, lost world, 4G-free region of Northern California are recovering from a shockingly snowy Sasquatch sighting. Tourists have fled the area as law enforcement officers comb the area for the obnoxiously elusive creature and free coffee and donuts.
Yeti caught on Camera near Mount Shasta.
 "It happened quickly", said a nervous local farmer who wishes to remain anonymous, "I was tending to my lucrative winter greenhouse medicinal-purposes-only cash crop in a very remote spot near Mt. Shasta, when this dang abominable snowman ran right past me. Shocked the beejeebers out of me, man! I'd rather get a raid, errrr, social visit, from the DEA than have to smell the stench of that disgusting animal again!"
Snowy Sasqautch wrecks million dollar view.
Hours later, another sighting of the Yeti destroyed attempts to catch a photo of Mt. Shasta for National Geographik magazine. "That snow-monkey took my golden cover-shot and turned it into something only an idiot would buy, so I pawned it off on some moron at a stupid Bigfoot institute in Yuba City for $3,000." said a disgruntled professional photographer, "I've decided I really hate nature shots, you know? I'm gonna focus on paparazzi shots of drunk celebrities instead."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the financially creative YETI not SETI Institute in bucolic Yuba City, California, was beside himself. "I am beside myself! Right here! Yes, I am floating and having an out-of-body experience! That farmer near Mt. Shasta who saw the Yeti sold me some amazing home-made brownies for $3,000, I'm certain there is valuable Bigfoot DNA in 'em. We're conducting in-depth ultra-trace chemical analysis of the brownies for Yeti DNA. I ate one as part of our scientific evaluation, I've always liked brownies! But I'm feeling quite peculiar after eating this one...."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

BigFoot Mexico Mayhem - - Mexico City on Alert!

Mexico City takes Hair-Raising Fright as Savage Sasquatch Roams Historic Downtown - - Centro Historico in Chaos!

Mexico City BigFoot attempts to hide among innocent Saturday
morning  shoppers and pickpockets while looking for rancid tacos de 
carnitas misterioso street stalls to steal tasty snack food morsels.
Mexico City has been victimized by a rare but devastating BigFoot Sighting, causing multiple traffic accidents, panicked shoppers and paranoid fast food street sellers.

"It was incredible! Said an eyewitness, "We were looking for a copy of Darwin's "The Origin of Suspect Species" at a specialty bookstore when that horrible Ape Beast appeared in the doorway of the shop and laughed at us. At first I thought it was some juvenile idiot in a monkey suite, but all those fleas jumping off his body told me this was not a joke!"
Bad Bigfoot nervously eluding a frantic Police Sasquatch Search just
blocks from  the historic Zócalo Main Plaza in Mexico City.
The Mexico Bigfoot caused a rash of traffic accidents and fainting spells as he wandered around the streets in the area. "That monkey-beast had a horrible aroma, like the worst kind of rotten cheese you can think of, and it really messed up Calle de Tacuba", said a part-time acid-rock accordion player, "there were rear-end car accidents everywhere, and even worse, the shoppers and tourists disappeared - - bad for business, very bad for my nose!"

A Mexico City Police spokesman issued a public announcement concerning the Sasquatch sighting salvaje:
Street Camera catches sneaky Sasquatch leaving the scene of the crime:
After causing  a seven-car accident the hominid runs away...
shocked and dumbfounded motorists had gazed in disbelief. 
"The ape man is really dumb and very dangerous. It is desperate to steal rancid tacos and loves to scare our good citizens of Mexico City. If you spot this beast please call us! I have no idea what we'll do if we catch him, to be honest." * 

"Bigfoots have been spotted in Mexico City before.", said Grisalia Rojez, Ph.D. of  Chupacabrolgy at the Instituto de Cosas Tontas para Estudiar (ICTE), "It is a total mystery why these obnoxious beasts bother us!"

* Translation for the good people of Mexico City: "El hombre mono es tonto y peligroso. Está desesperado de robar tacos rancios y le encanta asustar a los buenos ciudadanos de la Ciudad de México. Si usted ve esta bestia por favor llámenos! No tengo idea de lo que vamos a hacer si lo cogemos, para ser honesto."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Panama Island Bigfoot Sighting!

Wild Bigfoot Spotted on Taboga Island in Panama! Locals in Shock.

Surf, Sand and Sasquatch?!

The beautiful tropical island of Isla Taboga in Panama was shaken, not stirred, by an odoriferous rogue Bigfoot, ruining New Years Eve celebrations for thousands. A horrified local saw it all... "That mala bestia roamed the village stealing  fried plantains and papas fritas - - the apeman really liked rancid old patacones the best, like a demented loco. The monkey-man scared our snoozing dogs, chillin' chickens, and serene cats nearly to death! Taboga is a laid back kind of place, ¿sabes?, we don't get this kind of 'excitement' around here."
Sorry Sasquatch caught roaming a formerly swanky area of Isla Taboga. Distress "For  Sale" signs sprouted like weeds after the hairy BigFoot was spotted.
The Autoridad de Tourismo Panamá issued a statement that while BigFoots have been seen in Panama before, there was no need for tourists to panic and change vacation plans to scenic North Korea
A senior tourist official, off the record, said "Esto como una gran oportunidad para alentar a Sasquatch Hunter turismo en Panamá. Vamos a pedir a los tontos del canal Animal Planet Hunters Bigfoot aquí. Pasarán un montón de dinero! Son un grupo de payasos. Oye, no me estás citando ¿verdad?".*

*Translation: "The Animal Planet BigFoot Hunters are our very best friends, and we encourage these intelligent, brave Sasquatch (and need I add well-funded) hunters to come to Panama and spend lots of money, and finally  find a Sasquatch. Hello! Ah, did I mention they can spend lots of money here too?"