Saturday, March 27, 2010

BigFoot CAUGHT ON CAMERA: SASQUATCH LIKES SUDS!

Elusive BigFoot Captured on Remote Candid Camera -- Beer used as BigFoot Bait!

A group of reknown BigFoot hunters from Texas, California and upper Macedonia claim Sasquatch exists and likes fermented hops. Using a remote deer-hunter video camera equipped with a motion detector, the team placed an irresistible bottle of BigFoot Ale in the camera's range and returned to the site a week later to retrieve the video. The location is tippy top secret. The Sasquatch results were astonishing:

Sasquatch Bait: Big Foot Ale Sasquatch Trap: The BigFoot hunter team placed this bottle of Sierra Nevada BigFoot Ale in a location likely to attract wandering Bigfoots. "We spent long hours in carefully selected bars to determine which beer to use. It took hard work, dedication, dart games and a lot of scientific sampling to figure out which brew was the best Sasquatch bait.", said Texas BigFoot hunter Briian Leerky, famous Rice University expert on Sasquatchology.

BigFoot caught on Camera with Big Foot Ale Bait CAUGHT ON FILM! A random wandering Sasquatch became attracted to the bait - - he peered into the remote control video camera... and sniffed the camera housing before biting it.

Drunk BigFoot after drinking 9.5% Big Foot AleLightweight Sasquatch: Bombed Bigfoot waves woozily to the camera after downing the BigFoot Ale bait in one gulp and eating the bottle. "He not hav no stamina for gud Ales!" said legendary Sasquatch hunter Aleksandar Poopov, "I vud hav tout he cud handled it, no?. Vat a wus!"
Dr. Karl Blinng of the YETI not SETI Institute was eerily estatic. "Beer! That is the missing link to the missing link! I will have Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe place bottles of BigFoot Ale in key backwoods areas where BigFeets have been sighted.... I'll need around 1,500,000 to do the job. At last, we will catch one!"

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Florida Freaks as BigFoot Overwhelms Orlando!

Orlando's International Drive Scene of Touristic Terrors as Sasquatch Sighting Savages Scenery!
Florida Theme Parks put on Alert for "Smelly Large Hairy Apeman - - Not a Mouse with Big Ears".....


Orlando Florida, the "Happiest Place on Earth" except for Blagoevgradski Bulgaria, is recovering from unprecedented BigFoot attacks on International Drive, causing plummeting hotel reservations to strike the very heart of the tacky tourist industry vital to Central Florida's economy.

Orlando Turned Upside Down by Sasquatch:

BigFoot attacks Orlando Florida Building.  Amazing photo taken by a Wally World tourist from Tuffluk, Texas. "I couldn't believe it, this really furry, stinky monkey-man jogs down International Drive and this here building literally gets scared to death and flops right over with its legs in the air! Sorta like a dead armadillo... all it needed was a Lone Star Beer on top to finish the job!" Local officials said the upside-down building can be turned over again for around $5 million Canadian, but may keep the stricken structure just the way it is, "Hey, this could become another tacky tourist attraction!", said an Orlando city councilwoman.

Sasquatch Taunts Ripley's Believe It or Not  Florida Believes!
Amazing photo taken by a victim who ran straight into BigFoot in front of Ripley's Believe It or Not on International Drive. "That beast wrecked my day and my life!" said a nervous tourist from Panico, Panama. "I become muy queasy and I pass out from the aromas horibles the animal belched. When I wake up I stumbled to the nearest cantina and stayed until closing time".

Ripley's issued a "no comment", but rumors swirling around Univerzal Studioos abound that Sasquatch caused major damage to the building's exterior and shocked a priceless Romanesque statue into freezing in abject fear. News that Ripley's was offering the mysterious creature $3 million Zimbabwe for an exclusive exhibition contract was denied. "Believe it Not!" said a distracted spokesman.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, was over-excited. "At last! A chance to hunt for semi-bogus BigFoots in Florida and finally experience my childhood dream ride... 'It's a Small World'. I am so happy. The theme song is cool (I have it on my Walkman) and the ride is super scary. It makes Magic Mountain look like a walk in the park. Do they take E-Tickets?".

This is the second time in less than a week Orlando's tacky tourist heart has been hit with Bigfoot badness.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Scientific Conference Crumbles - Bigfoot Blamed.

Pittcon in Panic as Sasquatch Sighting Sabatoges Scientific Soiree! Conference Attendees flee complex PPH Trace Level BigFoot Odors... 

Amazing photo caught by a surprised PITTCON attendee at the Orlando Convention Center. "I running to catch a fascinating symposium on 'The 2-Chlorobut-3-Enoic acid molecule - Fact or Fiction?' when I ran smack into this tall hairy creature - what a chemically complex smell! I shall never forget it, like a 100 skunks on steroids combined with horribly rancid cheese. I want to analyze this appalling ape's aromatic molecules. This could make my career!"  Tacky Tourist Mecca Orlando Florida is reeling yet again from another stunning BigFoot attack. A rogue Sasquatch infiltrated the Pittsburgh Conference on analytical chemistry at the Orlando Convention Center, romping through the vast exhibition hall stealing vendor's cheap promotional give-aways and ancient candy.

Pittcon Exhibit Floor Panic from Barging BigFoot  "Oh yeah, I was there and saw everything", said a perpendicular-mass-spectrometry (PMS) instrument sales rep. "The conference was going well with 20,000 targets, er, attendees, and plenty of happy hour breaks - the analytical chemists were even being nice to the molecular biologists and nano-materials scientists - everyone was in a good mood and placing orders. Then this flea-biten monkey-man shows up and chases everyone away with his lice, deadly aromas and bad behavior... the beast grabs our precious cheap promotional ballpoint pens from the exhibit booth, wolfs down our entire bowl of old chocolates without taking off the wrappers and refuses to let us scan his attendee badge so that we could spam him with email and junk mail next month.... heck he isn't even a Ph.D.! Bigfoots are bad for business!" After the Sasquatch PITTCON sighting, 5 scientific papers submitted to PITTCON and the unNatural Science Journal attacking the existence of Gigantanthropus Revoltus were hastily withdrawn. "Ahhhh, yesssss, well I need to amend my paper slightly." said one badly shaken scientist with really bad hair.

Several laboratories exhibiting at PITTCON jumped over themselves to issue opportunistic press releases stating that smelly Sasquatch odors reached unprecedented trace levels of "PPH - - parts per hundred" in the exhibition hall. PPH levels are considered semi-toxic to ultra-sensitive noses. "This may explain why dogs and pigeons in particular seem to absolutely hate the sight of Bigfoots", said a Ph.D. in Simian Smelology.

Dr. Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, said "I wouldn't know about any stupid Sasquatch sightings at PITTCON. I never get invited to that dumb conference. PITTCON is the pits. I submit my revolutionary scientific papers to these clowns every year but they never answer me - idiots. They are effete snobs who dare think my work is not 'serious science' la-la-de-da... FOOLS! One day I will have
real DNA from real BigFoot bodily fluids... then who will be the freeken' genius, eh? Then who will be recognized for the brilliant mastermind he is! Then who will get the long deserved Nobel prize for really amazing pseudo-science! Then who... (at this point Dr. Blinng was escorted out of the Yuba City Holaday Inn press conference room by two heavy-set Institute gentlemen in white coats).