Thursday, December 22, 2016

Bigfoot Trashes Research Laboratory!

No Nobel Prize for Science This Year:

Frozen Sasquatch Escapes Prestigious Cryptozoology Laboratory!

A heavy, hairy, harrowing blow was struck against pseudo-science this week when an authentic, bonafide, we-kid-you-not Sasquatch specimen was accidentally defrosted at the prestigious SCRAPPS San Diego research center, resulting in the only know living specimen of Gigantopithicus Revoltus Revoltus escaping into the badlands of San Diego.
When the lab freezer temperature accidentally reached 0 degrees Celsius very bad things began to happen.
"It was an intern undergrad student that screwed up. Typical!", said a senior researcher at the SCRAPPS Centre for Advanced Tepid Temperature Fusion Research lab, SCATT. "I advised the executive research committee to start hiring real graduate students... they work cheap, they follow orders, and they don't complain. But No! They didn't listen. Oh, we took precautions. We knew from prior research that Cold Fusion wasn't the right approach. But Tepid Fusion, ah... that had promise, based on the data. The Sasquatch was our missing link to success. But NOW look what happened. Our meal-ticket to Scientific Stardom and Nobel Prize Easy Street just walked out the door! Excuse me, I have to write another demeaning research grant proposal now, sigh."
Caught on Camera: Defrosted Sasquatch Terrorizes Tepid-Fusion Research Laboratory.
San Diego's hard-pressed police are on double watch, as in Bay Watch. "Yeah, we don't do much on land, we tend to focus on the beaches and salt water.", said an officer. "Them Ancient Alien Ape-Men types just don't like to stick around the beach much. They're scared silly of them large ocean fishes pooping in the water. That beast is long gone and headed to Amarillo."
Defrosting Bigfoot Lab Escapee Stumbling on SCRAPPS Pier. 
Karl Blinng, Ph.D. and Director of the prestigious YET NOT SETI Institute in semi-serious Yuba City, California, was highly disappointed. "I'm highly disappointed from the untimely defrosting and escape of that precious simian sample.", said Blinng. "I had $3,000 in real Venezuelan Bolivars ready to give the SCRAPPS Research Institute for the hairy beast. This time I was sure I wasn't being set up for yet another expensive rubberized Sasquatch joke... scientists don't have much of a sense of humor, you know. So close.... we must find that beast!"

BigFoot Spotted at Top Secret National Laboratory - - Sparks Sasquatch Security Search.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Bigfoot Spotted in Coconino National Forest.

Sasquatch Sighted in Coconino National Forest! Locals go Loco.

Arizona's Oak Creek Canyon has been hit with yet another revolting and regrettable Bigfoot scare, as a lone Sasquatch was spotted loitering around the Call of the Canyon West Fork trail in Coconino National Forest.

"Dag gum it, it was totally Cuckoo in Coconino last week!", said an craggy canyon denizen old timer, "There I was, fixin' to go into that dern canyon gulch and catch me some rattlesnake fricassee, when that hairy critter ran right past me. Scared me and my mule near to death! I called it a day and went to Sedona for fish tacos instead."
Sullen Sasquatch at West Fork Trail Head. 
Coconino Forest Federales remain quiet about the incident. "We know nothing, nothing!" said a local ranger. "We're monitoring the situation.... behind locked doors and armed with really nasty paint ball guns in case the beast returns. OK, it'd help if we had real guns, nets, and rancid food bait... we could organize a posse and catch the beast. But we don't want to frighten them pacifistic lucrative mystical crystal vortex suckers, er tourists. Those fools pay top dollar, believe me!" 
Bigfoot rummaging in Coconino.
Erk Holohead, a bored of director member* of the world famous YETI not SETI Institute in semi-picturesque Yuba City, was highly perplexed. "I'm highly perplexed!", said Erk, "Perplexity in the universe happens all the time, specially when it involves Calculus crunching and Silly-String-Theory stuff. But this Bigfoot sighting in Oak Creek Canyon's Coconino National Forest is really perplexing." 

"A similar beast was spotted earlier this year in the exact same area. Coincidence? I think not! How did the Bigfoot beast get there? Why did it return? When will it go away? Where is the beast's scat droppings? Who really cares? I smell a Sasquatch conspiracy, among other things. These are all questions which demand answers, darn it!"

*Mr. Holohead paid his $25.00 BOD BYOB Institute membership fee last month. But he still owes the Institute funds for unexplained travel and entertainment expenses in Macau and Las Vegas.