Friday, December 31, 2010

Hearst Castle Havoc as Bigfoot Beast Invades San Simeon!

San Simeon becomes "San Simian" as Big Sur Bigfoot goes on Hearst Castle rampage!
Tourists and real estate brokers panicked as a renegade Sasquatch romped through the palatial grounds and buildings of the Hearst Castle complex in San Simeon, California. "The foul beast came down from the hills", said a recovering tourist, "That apeman looked like a very hairy barbarian, with an odor I'll never forget!".   
A mysterious Big Sur Bigfoot, caught on camera by a terrified tourist, saunters past the Neptune Pool. Alert museum staff dumped 10 tons of chlorine into the pool after the savage Sasquatch encounter. A surprised park ranger said "that Bigfoot seemed to enjoy the castle grounds... he admired the view and ate shrubbery for a snack... he seemed to like rosebuds and junipers the best."
The Big Foot grazed not only on the expensive landscaping, it invaded Hearst Castle buildings to plunder junk food. Security cameras caught the Sasquatch in brazen attempts to pick-pocket candy bars and slim jims from unsuspecting tourists. "You'd think these dumb tourists would figure out Bigfoots are notorious and obvious thieves - - seeing one in the building should have put them on guard!", said the head of security. 

The bungling Big Sur Sasquatch missed the most valuable rooms in the castle. "Good thing he did!", said a museum curator, "Could you image the catastrophic damage that animal would have caused in the Gothic Study, given that this species has a total lack of familiarity or respect for indoor plumbing!? Remember what happened at the Guggenheim in Bilbao! One shudders to even consider the possible destruction we avoided!".

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the pseudo-prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in cosmopolitan Yuba City, California, was opportunistic as usual. "This incident at Hearst Castle calls for serious research from Netflixx. I'm going to rent "Citizen Kane" for $3,000, and search for potential clues. Something about rosebuds..... got any double butter popcorn with you? It's my favorite!"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Paris Panics as BigFoot Trashes Train Station!

J'accuse! Smelly Sasquatch Sabotoges Paris Nord Train Station - - Transit Workers Rejoice! Belgium Blamed.
A seriously suspicous Sasquatch disrupted the afternoon commute for thousands of Paris train and metro riders today. French police are searching for the ape-beast, warning it may strike again. Commuters said the foul, malaromatic monster arrived in Paris on a Thalys express train from Brussels... "Oui, le sale homme singe sauvage, it leap-ed le train like a person crazee, it grab-bed nasty goûters de porc frit from un food shop and ran to the street! His odeur horrible caused 20... no, 40... no, 1,000 people to faint-ed! Of this, I see with my own eyes!"
French Bigfoot disrupts Paris Trains.
The French public transit worker's union, protesting against the French government's plans to raise the retirement age to 24 and a half years, used the BigFoot incident at Paris Nord station as an excuse to go on a snap strike... again. "To the barricades! Why not?", said a transit union representative, "Having to work until 24 and 1/2 is an outrage.... having to endure disgusting working conditions to our sanitary health from this Belgium monqueee Bigfoot is unacceptable. We strike today! You know for us, demonstrations and strikes are sort of like a national sport, Oui? But first, we have lunch, Non?"

Au revoir, Sasquatch!
The Paris Nord train station was left in chaos and mayhem. Having severely disrupted train and metro service to Paris, the mysterious Belgian Bigfoot ran down Boulevard Diderot heading towards the Bastille, chased by Parisian Gendarmes and an enraged mob of angry commuters armed with pitchforks and torches. "Off with its head!", shouted the crowd. "ahhhh... after delousing?" said one observer.

Brussels denies the Bigfoot which attacked Paris is from Belgium, claiming it is in fact Dutch. "J'accuse!" said the French Foreign Ministry's senior janitor, who answered our midnight investigatory phone call. "Theeees is a threat growing to European Union harmony. Do not lie, you dastardly Belgians! Look what this nasty ape monster did to the Netherlands! You must take responsibility and pay damages! Not in Euros please.... Yen is much better."

Friday, November 26, 2010

Pismo Beach Raises BigFoot Stink!

Sandy Sasquatch Scares Surfers Silly - -  Pismo Beach Evacuated!
Unsuspecting Pismo Beach beachgoers were shocked by a hairy Big Sur Sasquatch romping in the waves this week. Days after the beach was reopened to the public, people are still afraid to return. 
City officials deny rumors that the beach sand is permanently damaged by the strange appearance of an aromatic Gigantopithicus Robustus Revoltus. "That glowing, crawling yellow and green slime on the beach is perfectly natural." said Pismo Beach junior superintendent for parks and wreckreation, "and those dumb rumors that small poodles and corndogs have been missing since the Sasquatch beach blitz are just that, silly rumors! By the way, has anyone seen my pet shihtzu? It's name is Princess Lea?"

"It was way bad karma, dude", said an eyewitness surfer who was at the scene, "that Bigfoot dude had gnarly body odor.... nasty vibes, man. Like, take a bath sometime, apeman?".

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, was perplexed. "I'm conflicted, and I'm perplexing.", he said. "It is very perplexable that a Bigfoot attacks Pismo Beach, why, for the clams? I'm investigating this incident more closely... OK yeah sure, the institute is short of funds right now, so I'll just hit up those Discovery Channel chumps for some more money... they're total suckers for this kind of stuff! Ah, I mean, they take my Bigfoot research very seriously and help fund my important work in this field. I'm also in the mood to eat some oysters...."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bigfoot Horror in Holland! Belgians Blamed!

Belgian Bigfoot Stomps through the Netherlands - - Dutch are Dizzy!

Dutch security forces are scrambling to catch a marauding Belgian Bigfoot 'monster' terrifying local citizens in the deep south of the Netherlands. Rumors are flying that the Belgian beast somehow took a train from Brussels to the Schipol airport station and then points south, embarrassed officials are silent.
An eyewitness, Hagabraad Alderdinnk, was incensed... "Ja, Zeker! I saw the animal getting off the train at Schipol, it caused quite a ruckus you know, and rudely stole my whopper met kaas hamburger from my plate, ran it downstairs and escaped on de local train to Eindhoven. Ah, but that nasty thief picked a wrong day - - it was 'Snow Practice Day' for the train system. Ha ha ha! With that chaos the ape man never made it to Eindhoven, I am sure. And why have a stupid 'Snow Practice Day'* during our beautiful fall weather? All the trains in the Netherlands reroute for no good reason, everyone gets confused! De train official denies 'Snow Practice Day' was 'Bigfoot Alert' day, but I am not fooled!"

Sasquatch in Sittard - - Belgian Bigfoot Bashes Sunday Brunch in Idyllic Esloo!

Despite a national Bigfoot alert during 'Snow Practice Day', authorities missed the ape man completely, which turned up later that day in the little, formerly quaint, southern Dutch village of Esloo. "He bloody well scared off the tourists." said an Esloo innkeeper, "the place was a ghost town after that smelly beast waltzed through. Wat een smerige stinkende harige beest België!".
Bigfoot wandering down a main street of once tranquil Esloo. "I was shocked!" said a local resident. "I had no idea the government was allowing hairy Belgians into the village!".

Official Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings Notice: 
In the spirit of European Union cooperation and friendship, this blog does support the theory that Belgians are Bigfoots, and Belgium is harboring a renegade band of anti-social Saquatches. It is a well known fact that the Belgium border in only 100 meters from Esloo, and you could throw a dirt clod across the canal from the Netherlands and hit a Belgium farmer on the head with it. Which is great fun. If you were so inclined. Not that anyone should do that.

*Snow Practice Day: In broad daylight under clear blue skies, the Netherlands National Train system pretends there is a blizzard and that the Ice Age has returned. Management and employees relish these days, as they enjoy seeing confused riders take unplanned  and adventurous tours through the Dutch countryside, running through multiple train stations like gerbils as they try to connect from point a to point b via points c, d, r and z.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

BigFoot Mauls Mini-Golf Pro Tourney!

"It Came from the Fourth Hole!" - - - Stupified Golf Pros Gape as Sasquatch Disrupts Professional Golf Tournament.

The 2010 PIGMI Tour (Professional Imbeciles Golf Mini International) Lake Tahoe Fall Classic Celebrity Golf Tournament was left in shambles this week when a marauding Sasquatch invaded the course during intense 2nd round play.

"It was horrible", said 3rd rate celebrity mini-golfer Erk Holohed, "there I was at the 3rd hole, free beer in hand, two under par, ready to tee-off against some tricky plastic greens with a very dangerous undulating castle-moat water hazard, then this huge monkey-man runs up and tries to putt at the 4th hole! He totally botched it, leaving a huge divet in the fake orange grass and blowing a golf-ball sized hole through the Leaning Tower of Pisa on the 6th hole. He shouldn't have used that 9 iron. He had a nasty slice, dude needs golf lessons. That nasty beastie really rattled my nerves, I missed the greens completely and hit some looney Bigfoot hunter named Blinng in the back of the head".

PIGMI tournament officials estimate the sorry Sasquatch caused over $143,000 in damages during his mini-golf inspired rampage. "He wrecked the putting greens. He wrecked famous putt-putt landmark hazards. He caused 14 of our 40 celebrity players to pass out from nasty fumes he emits, AND he left a monumental toxic golf course hazard of his own... it totally blocked the 8th hole. I guess Bigfoots don't understand professional mini-golf courses aren't open latrines like a forest. We had to use hazardous waste guys to remove the huge stinking pile and sterilize the area.... grizzly bears have nothing on this animal!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, was injured during the Bigfoot attack. "Look, I just went to this silly tournament because they said I was a famous 3rd rate celebrity and they'd pay for everything... including all-you-can-eat pizza and fu-fu drinks. So heck yeah I'll go. So I'm about ready to tee-off on the 5th hole and some moron from the 3rd hole yells "Damnit! Fore! Run for your Lives!" and the next thing I know I get whacked hard on my head by a golf ball. Then someone screamed "OMG it's a Bigfoot!" and I pass out. When I woke up (with no help from the tournament officials, thank you very much) I get told a white furry Sasquatch had just rampaged through the game and all the evidence had been destroyed! What idiots! I came so close to seeing an actual Bigfoot this time, and from what the waste disposal guys told me there was 55 pounds of rare and precious Sasquatch droppings picked up and incinerated.... what a tragedy, I could have had my Bigfoot DNA samples for free, and not pay yet another $3,000!"

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bigfoot Spotted at Lake Tahoe!

'Bigfoot Bubba' Targeting Tahoe Casinos...
Touristic Terrors as Offensive Beast Raids Garbage Cans!

Decline Village, Nevada - Local police are on 'high alert' this Labor Day weekend in an attempt to catch a notorious Bigfoot nicknamed "Bubba". The animal has been raiding local Casino and Hotel garbage cans for gourmet junk food and lottery tickets. Casino employees have volunteered in the ape-hunt, armed with slot machine tokens and 2-fer-1 drinks coupons.

Bubba the Bigfoot, nicknamed "Bubba the Bigfoot", on account of his name is Bubba and he is a Bigfoot, duuuhhh, has been seen raiding casino dumpsters and garbage cans for months, leaving an unspeakable mess in his wake.

This Bigfoot has been a quest for Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in prestigious Yuba City, California. "This Sasquatch is dangerous - - it has lost its natural fear of garbage cans. Anything can happen. The sooner they can capture that squalid ape and give him to me, gratis of course, I can show him off, get on TV, write a book, and retire filthy rich! What are they waiting for?", he stated, at yet another hastily called press conference at a local fast-food joint.
Pseudo-scientists across the world speculate that the harsh winter in the Sierra Nevada has driven the Sasquatch down into Lake Tahoe to feed off tourist and casino garbage. "Normally Bigfeets eat wild gerbils, organic weeds, and Cheessy-Whizz®, but this last winter reduced their normal natural food supply... junk food is the only other foodstuff they know how to hunt", said a forest ranger. 

Bubba the Bigfoot has broken into at least 50 dumpsters this year, causing extensive damage and leaving behind huge odiferous Sasquatch sized 'calling cards' in his wake... reportly triggering a massive algae bloom along the Nevada shore of the lake.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Annoyingorange on BIGFOOT

"HEY! What is the difference between bigfoot and lettuce? 

One's a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast! 

Only Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings gives you such earth-shattering news.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sasquatch Terrorizes Texas Sized Water Park!

Sasquatch infiltrates Schlitterbahn Water Park in Galveston - - Panic in Tube City!

Park officials are silent concerning reports a wandering Bigfoot invaded the Schlitterbahn water park, but visitors know what they saw - - and it was hairy, smelly and repulsive. "The wave pool scared the heck out of him - he kept looking for sharks!", said one park guest, "That beast was more interested in poaching french-fries than doing water rides, what a smelly pig.", said another.

Five eye-witnessess to the alleged Bigfoot foray into Schlitterbahn Galveston were so heavily traumatized that they had to eat second helpings of Dufus Dots - Ice Chunks  of the Future! ®. Lulu Lomax from Richmond Texas said "We wer like texting people we no about the lazy river ride and like we got hungry and wanted Dufus Dots but they didn't hav strawberry and like, we want strawberry but they only hav blueberry-banana or chocolate vanilla LOL so we texted about  - what drama - and then we got chocolate vanilla instead and OMG that ugly cave man runs past and like we wer scared 2 but BTW we 8 our Dufus Dots anyway, u know?"*. 

Immediately after the Bigfoot incident the five victims were placed into a Dufus Dots witness protection program and now live in Bluebell, Texas.

Briian Lerkey, Pseudo-Expert on Sasquatchology ("I have a Ph.D., dang it!") at Rice University, was puzzled. "What I don't understand is why didn't the BigFoot also invade Moody Gardens? It's right next door and the french-fries are just as good there. Perhaps the penguins scare them? These ape-beasts are truly mysterious... there is much we don't know about them. For example, no one knows if Bigfoots prefer Coke or Pepsi... too many questions, not enough answers!"
*A Translation into English is not available, nor theoretically possible.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Yeti Sasquatch Scare in Shasta Back Country!

Castle Crags State Park closed to public... 
Massive Abominable Snowman hunt for Bigfoot Beast!

The State of California shut down Castle Crags State Park today after unsuspecting backpackers became of the victim of a brazen Sasquatch Yeti raid. 
The Yeti Attack victims were traumatized: "After a long day hiking the trail, we were about to cook a freezed-dried feast for dinner, including crunchy desiccated  Italian meatballs with aridized gelatinous spinach, one of our favorites! Then this white-furred ape-man creature appears and makes loud 'oooh wooo hooo' noises, runs down the hill, grabs our dinner bag and takes off towards the Pacific Crest Trail." said one victim, "Man was I upset, that ape creature stole our scientifically designed meal! We had to go back to Dunsmuir that night, forcing ourselves to eat flame-broiled filet mignon drenched in hollandaise sauce. Substantial Wente red wine was required to calm our nerves. It was a terrible disappointment. That Bigfoot is a culinary thief!" 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in semi-remarkable Yuba City, California, was queasey. "Serves those dumb backpackers right, trying to eat food God never meant to have freeze dried! I just hope that demented Sasquatch doesn't suffer serious digestion issues.", Blinng stated, "During those weeks of being experimented upon with freeze-dried 'food' during my Alien UFO abduction experience, only strawberry ice cream came close to the real thing. You know why the Apollo Moon Project was cancelled? The astronauts hated freeze-dried food so much they went on strike! Space-Food sticks... they make you sick! Bleh!" 

"All this talk of food is making me hungry... you bring any Vienna Sausages?"

Sunday, July 18, 2010

BigFoot Causes Panic in Tropical Paradise!

Isla Taboga Terrified as Rogue Sasquatch Sighted - -  "It came from the sea!"

Erk Holohead, a panicked Taboga tourist, caught this amazing photo of a wild Bigfoot emerging from the Pacific Ocean during high-tide. "I was sitting on a beach veranda with 99.9% of my brain cells shut down (normally I have only 99.8% on extended leave), enjoying the ocean breeze... the beautiful view... a case of Panama Beer... but then I spotted a trail of bubbles belching up from the ocean surface and heading towards shore, then suddenly thousands of crazy fish leaped straight into the air trying to escape something very nasty under the waves. I thought it was a killer shark or North Korean submarine, but then this ugly, rancid monkey beast emerged from the surf, wiping seaweed, clam shells and old Panama Beer bottle caps off its fur! The ape-man scaled the beach wall, jumped over some sleeping dogs and ran away. Luckily my Panama beer supplies helped cushion the shock. I'm going to have to stay here another month to recover from this."

A longtime Taboga island resident was shocked to see this "Sea Sasquatch" strolling Restinga Beach during low tide. "It was just another pacífico y tranquilo day on the island. I was at the beach looking for Pizzaro's buried Inca treasure and North Korean submarine defectors, then this bestia simios walks right past me... it was torture, the fragrancia horrible of this filthy beast almost killed me!"

This amazing Bigfoot sighting has resulted in a huge spike in extended hotel bookings from Sasquatch Anthropologists across the world in Taboga Island and Panama City. Local Taboga shop owners say the invasion of Bigfoot hunters is bad for business. "These scientists are cheap spenders and throw goofy 'missing-link' parties.", said the town mayor.

"At last I can pretend to do field work on a nice tropical island with room service, chilled adult beverages, and veg-out using my federal grant bailout money under the cover of academic research. I'm gonna 'work' here for months, it'll be a great vacation!" said Briian Lerkey, Ph.D. an expert in Pseudo-Sasquatchology from Rice University in Texas. "Ah, you won't print that, right?".

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

YETI Attack at Crater Lake!

Wild Yeti Spoils Tourist View of Oregon's Crater Lake - - Eyewitness Report!

Sasquatch throwing snowballs at terrorized Crater Lake tourists.
A tour bus stuffed with Fraternal Order of the Royal Gerbil Lodge members from Reno, Nevada was attacked by a "wild and vicious" Yeti over the Fourth of July weekend when they stopped at Oregon's Crater Lake en route to a nearby Progressive Slot Machine Indian Casino. "Yeah, our tour leader said we should get some fresh air before hitting the card tables... I needed a smoke break any-who. He said we'd be impressed by that Crater Lake place, it's a big round hole in the ground filled with water. Well, for once he sure turned out right that time! That Yeti-beast looked worse than any abominable snowman picture I ever saw.... and his teeth... I had no idea teeth could be that shade of yellow." said one shaken Gerbil Lodge member. According to several victims, the manic YETI screeched and threw snowballs at the group ("He's a right hander, 105 mph I think") and wouldn't leave until a quick thinking lodge member threw him a bigfoot ale and a bag of cheezz puffs.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti not Seti Institute in Yuba City, California, was licking his chops. "Once again there is a sighting of a YETI in North America... just as my inspired and unique theory, the theory I thought of and for which only I can take credit for, predicted! I'll pay $3,000 for each YETI snowball those brave Gerbil Lodge members can bring me. There must be Yeti DNA in there somewhere. And don't try any more sneaky "melted yeti snowballs" this time... I won't be fooled a second time!"

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Panama Jungle Bigfoot Spotted in Darién Gap!

Sasquatch Experts Buzzing - - Photo Reveals Jungle Bigfoot in Natural Habitat.

The Instituto Smythsonian de Investigaciones Ridículo Tropicales (STRRI) in Panama has released a stunning photo clearly showing an ape-like creature resembling Gigantopithecus Revoltus deep inside the Darién Province near the Colombian border.

"We caught the beast on camera using a slow-motion detector currently being used for a detailed study of the social habits of the rare Speckled Slimey Plantain Slug, Mocos Disgustus. Like I said, the camera is verrry sloooow motion,  the scientists involved were getting bored to tears. This Monkey-man sighting is a heck of a lot more exciting! Strange, but the slugs seemed to suffer greatly in their olfactory glands during the Sasquatch appearance, gaseous emissions from the animal may have been a factor.", said Jose Raman Boris Acibeeno, research director for the Institute.

The Darién Gap is a mysterious, remote, unknown, wild and vast region of mountains, swampland, rainforest and lost remote controls separating Panama from Colombia. Perfecto for a family vacation! "Finding a Bigfoot in this forbidding region is not surprising. We suspect there could be ferocious gerbils, dangerous dinosaurs, ancient alien artifacts, and savage exiled hedge-fund managers lurking in there. There was an alleged Sasquatch sighting in Darien in 1920, by a direct ancestor of that loco quack Dr. Blinng... intelligence does not seem to run too deep in that particular family tree, sabes?"

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sasquatch Sabatoge at Shakespeare Festival!

"Lunatic Yeti" Barges into Oregon Shakespeare Festival - - Causes Comedy of Errors!

A lost wild Yeti infiltrated the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, wondering the streets of Ashland and amazing local residents. "Hey, I thought he was a Shakespeare tourist.... we get some weird ones here. That ape beast just sauntered down the street like he owned the town!", said one old-timer, enjoying cold Bigfoot Ales. "Believe me, I've seen it all, but never in my wildest midsummer night's dreams did I think a Yeti would steal my beer! An amazing beast.... too bad about its body odor - - that stench could melt a Sherman tank at 30 yards."

The beast caused a chaotic mess when it was mistaken for an avant-garde actor playing an inebriated Sir Toby Belch in the "Twelfth Night". Accidently stumbling on stage during the play, the beast improvised, fooling the audience until chased away by security and enraged theater critics. The New York Times said the performance by the Yeti was "Revolutionary, stunning, furry and dramatic - - a gamey 'back-to-nature' breakthrough in novel Shakespeare interpretations. Even the fleas looked realistic!". Festival organizers are searching for the beast to give him a contract for 2011. "Oh well, all's well that ends well." said one duped actor. The audience gave the Yeti a standing ovation, then were immediately directed to a hastily built delousing tent.

Was Shakespeare a BigFoot?

Breaking Sasquatch News: A rare 1607 painting of William Shakespeare, discovered last year at a garage sale in Somerset, England, has sparked furious debate amongst Shakespearean academicians across the world. Was the Bard a Bigfoot? Rumors are flying that the painting will be put to auction by Sotheby's this fall in London.

"I'll buy that Shakespeare Sasquatch picture for $3,000!"  said Dr. Karl Blinng, "It will look great next to my velvet 'Dogs Playing Poker' poster."

Director of the YET NOT SETI Institute in scenic Yuba City, Calfornia, Blinng was philosophical in a pre-k sort of way. "This is soooo much ado about nothing!" fumed Blinng, "If anyone had asked ME about that Oregon incident, I'd have told them this was no surprise. Yetis are white haired Sasquatch, and it is a known fact that Sasquatches love cultures, especially in yogurt. Measure for measure, these beasts appreciate art in their missing-link sort of way. What they REALLY crave are Bigfoot Ale, Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies, Animal Planet TV, and all kinds of junk food." BigFoot Sightings continues to bring you the LATEST in incredible Sasquatch and Yeti alerts and news, as you like it!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sasquatch World Cup Disaster - - FRANCE SURRENDERS to FRANCE!

BigFoot Hormone Abuse PRIME SUSPECT in France World Cup CATASTROPHE.

Déjà vu! "It was 1940, 1871 and 1812 all over again."

French National Team Football Players and Coaches under scrutiny... "Sasquatch Juice made us Slow and Stupid."

French football experts are dumbfounded by the self-destructive collapse of the national World Cup team this week. "Sacré bleu, theese imbéciles have disgraced le honneur of France! Their minds, they turned into zeee mush, non? I am certain zzat zzey were all taking zzat Bigfoot hormone dangereux. We nationalize the team, ban le café time and make retirement mandatory age 32! We will be quite harsh regarding zeees affair saasquatch." said Madame Sports Minister Roswyne Bashalot. Rumors of a guillotine being prepared in Paris were denied.

Many World Cup players at 2010 South Africa are suspected of taking illegal BigFoot hormones, but entire teams and coaching staff taking the nasty stuff was not suspected until France's novel display of malaise du football.

In an exclusive interview, FIIFA President Siqq Bladder, age 997, said "It is regrettable that a World Cup team has allegedly used illegal Sasquatch hormones in a misguided effort to boost success on the pitch. These wild Bigfoot hormones are quite dangerous with horrible side-effects. Players and coaches become slow, sluggish, thuggish, lazy, unimaginative during play, and collectively dumb as a rock. Body odors are badly affected. Fleas become a problem. It is not only the French team... we are investigating the Italian team, we suspect they have been using this Bigfoot junk for years!"

"We are aware of irritating noises made concerning our Referees, who stole two good goals from the USA, kept Ireland out of the Cup, and did major damage to other football teams during group play. People say our Refs are using Bigfoot hormones also. They are wrong! Ha ha ha! How naive. FIIFA is an imperial power far beyond mere nations... these Referees are merely following my orders. Our secret conspiracy is to make sure Brazil and Germany are in the final, and the others are OUT! Ooops, I never said that.... guards, arrest these peasants and hold them until 2014!"

Saturday, June 19, 2010

BigFoot Hormone Scandal Rocks World Cup!

World Cup Breaking News:
2010 World Cup Players using BIGFOOT HORMONES? 
FIFA Not Talking as Rumors Sweep South Africa!
"That Sasquatch junk is all over the place, lot's of players are using the stuff and no one is talking!"

Once again Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings has scooped the world on the real Bigfoot poop regarding a major news story. Reliable sources (anonymous letters with cash) claim that banned usage of hormones from Bigfoots is rampant in this year's 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

"Oh yeah, these guys are saying stuff like 'Right lads, I won't shave me beard until I've scored a goal', but they're just covering up their illegal usage of Bigfoot hormones.... it's a bit obvious right? FIFA justs keeps looking the other way. Anyway, that stuff doesn't work." said one recently retired goalie from England.

World Cup players, coaches and newscasters suspected of Bigfoot hormone usage include:

"This scandal could be bigger than the Tour de France or Major League Baseball... any players, coaches, and Vuvuzela salesmen who haven't shaved for three days could be using the stuff!", said a recovering Vuvuzela user.

Erk Holohed, a secretive international second-hand Vuvuzela smuggler, talked to this blog while visiting South Africa to visit 'my stash of cash and my secret Vuvuzela stockpile'. As a self-proclaimed pseudo-expert on international football, Holohed was critical about the usage of illegal Bigfoot bodily fluids. "Look, only one or two of the suspected teams using the Sasquatch hormones are having any success. The other teams are struggling. Sasquatch doping is dumbing down the play and the players - - and BigFoot head lice could become a real problem. Look at the number of goals scored so far.... down! FIFA needs to clean the World Cup up - - only allow the players to drink good ale and smoke cuban cigars while cheered on by Brazilian football fans before each game - - then you'd get tons of goals!"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"Blago" BigFoot Returns!

Hairy Beast Mauls Michigan Avenue  in Chicago
- - Blagojivich celebrity idiot appearance gone wrong?

Bigfoot Sighted in Chicago.
Chicago is in turmoil, uh, more turmoil than normal, as citizens recover from the shock of seeing a prehistoric Sasquatch roam down Michigan Avenue. Debate is raging, is the creature real or Rod Blagojivich in a monkey suit? "I saw the Sasquatch", said a local resident, "It looks kinda like Blago, I mean the ape-man's hair was impressively coiffed and massive just like the ex-governor's, and except for all those lice and fleas jumping off his back, he looks just like Blago".

Chicago police are not talking. "Hey, we're not talking -- OK with youse morons?" Rumors are rampant that last year's offer to pay off the smelly Sasquatch with a Senate seat didn't work and the obnoxious beast has returned for another pay-off.

Briian Leerky, famous Rice University Sasquatch hunter, said "I bet you a six-pack of Lone Star Beer that the animal that rampaged through Chicago was a real Bigfoot! That Blago character may be a celebrity idiot, but Sasquatches are just plain idiots... they have the IQ of a tree stump. Blago has the IQ of a log... there is a difference!".

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sasquatch Sabotage: YETI Terrorizes Tour de California Race!

- - Wild Hominid Sabatoge Suspected!

Riders saw a flash of white, a horrible stench, then a massive crash.
A YETI was caught in the act at the 2010 Tour de California, aping (ape-maning?) the boorish fan behavior of running, then stumbling, with the Peloton. Typical fans drink huge amounts of ale, bring smoke bombs and paint their faces red and white. Wait! Those are English Football Fans! Sorry, Cycle Tour fans wave national flags in rider's faces, throw water bottles at them and ask for autographs, forcing riders to take evasive action or crash. This rare yelping Yeti tried to run with the Tour de California Peloton, and total chaos ensued. 

The crypto-beast suddenly appeared during Stage Four of the Tour, leaping out of roadside bushes in the wilderness on Mines Road south of Livermore. "What a mess. The Peloton was focused and working together for once - - a breakaway group had dared to surge ahead into the hills. The Peloton was united in revenge.... intent on inflicting mob justice, the maximum group-punishment and humiliation on the renegades up ahead." said one eye-witness. "When out of nowhere that Yeti thing ran out on the road. The entire Peloton hit the brakes and became a huge pile of bikes and riders!". Livermore police, already embarrassed and sensitive to repeated and unsolved Sasquatch Sightings in the area over the past year, quickly chased the Yeti back into the hills and forced everyone to take BlueBook government surplus memory-erasing drugs.

Sasquatch running with the Peleton.
Rumors that famous Texan* and international professional tour rider Lannz Armchair was mentally affected by the Yeti sighting keep popping up. "Yeah, sure, I saw Lannz fall" said an eye-witness. "Yeah, like, yeah, he kept look'n over his shoulder, you know? Like he was afraid of somethin', yeah. I think the Yeti monster got inside his head, you know? Yeah, that's it!". Tour participants whisper that the Yeti was actually the controversial tour rider Stroid Flambes dressed in a rented Gorilla costume modified to look like a wild Yeti. "Stroid and his team weren't invited to the Tour this year", said one insider, "I think he tried to sabotage the race."

Christian Crudhommie, director of the upcoming Tour de France, said "Contrairement à ces Américains barbares, nous autres Français sont prêts à écraser toute Tour de France Bigfoot, Sasquatch et des attentats Yeti. Le sauvage Sasquatch est une bête puante et effrayant, mais nous qui sommes Français sont prêts. Notre Tour de France Ligne Maginot contre ces hommes-singes est bien fortifiée! Aucune hormone de scandales BigFoot cette année!"

Dr. Blinng was all over this. "The Yeti Not Seti Institute is prepared to pay BIG BUCKS for DNA collected from the Livermore peloton tour disaster. We will pay $3,000 for Yeti DNA, and $4,534 for any Lannz Armchair DNA taken from his bicycle seat!"

*All Texans, by definition, are famous.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sasquatch is a Panama Party Animal...

Too Bad this BigFoot binger can't Tell Time!

Early morning sighting of Panama Bigfoot.
A stranded tourist from Patagonia caught this amazing photo of a Bigfoot loitering in a nightclub district in Panama City, Panamá. 

"The beast looked like he was ready to party... But it was only 10 en la mañana, everything was shut down. It almost looked like this hairy animal was bar-hopping, but all the bars were closed."

"Either the creature was practicing nothing or he was muy estúpido! The Sasquatch can't tell time, for sure. I bet it can't dance reggaetón either."

"Divertido, ¿no? Y esta criatura apestosa parece ser tan inteligente como un coco."

Seconds later, the Panama Party Bigfoot ran away towards Avenida Central, chased by a feral pack of ferocious miniature toy poodles. Panama police are alert and on the case, "This incident requires many, many, many, mucho, mucho visits to the local nightclubs for further investigation", said the city crypto-animal control officer, "mucho!".

BigFoot Shocks Sacramento - - Lobbyists Terrified!

Elusive Sasquatch Invades Quasi-Official Sacramento Office Building!

Terrified lobbyist shocked at Sasquatch Sighting!
Horrified visitor to a California quasi-governmental lobbyist organization encounters a "repulsive" Bigfoot in the main lobby. "I has horrified! I was repulsive! ah... It was repulsive! So I'm in the elevator going up to the lobby, right? And I'm thinking, wow, the building smells like burning tires and really smelly socks... they must have finally cleaned the place up. But then the elevator door opens and I'm looking at a disgusting, goofy, flea-infested, bad-hair creature! Ok, my dog fits that description too, but he's not 7 feet tall. I'm going to need some serious aroma-therapy after this!"
Renegade Sasquatch surrenders to security camera.
Rare Ape-Man Caught on Security Camera: Sasquatch Sauvage roaming the halls of a quasi-governmental lobbyist organization just minutes from the California State Capitol. "Good thing we turned the camera on last night", said the head of security. "We're deep into a serious investigation.... catching a rogue employee suspected of taking all the popular coffee creamers from the break room."

"Technical difficulties slowed us down, but once IT told us to turn the power on and take the lens-cap off, it was 'lights-camera-action'. I'm calling that Blinng lunatic, we'll shake him down for a couple of grand for this photo, and maybe some free donuts! We are desperate for those little flavored coffee creamer cups, especially the anthrax-vanilla-curry ones?"

Sacramento police are searching the city for the hairy intruder. "We're tired of this BigFoot running around our fair city and scaring our good citizens. The animal no longer has a natural fear of lobbyists - - what happens if he loses his instinctual fear of legislators? We have to stop him NOW." said the city investigator for paleo-hominids, space monsters and evil-genius gerbils.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Yeti Monster Spotted on Sacramento River!

YETI in America?!

In a bizarre sighting which is puzzling Yeti and BigFoot quasi-experts all over the world, even at Rice University, an incredible photo has been acquired by Dr. Blinng, showing that the Himalayan Yeti is in the USA and roaming the primaeval forests of North America.

The clueless fishing guide who snapped the strange photo overcame shock & awe to take the picture. "I took some well-heeled foreign clients on a deep sea tuna fishing expedition into the upper reaches of the Sacramento River, near Redding.", he mumbled, "I kind of took a wrong turn, but it was worth it, since those business guys paid cash up front. When I spotted that Yeti-man on the far bank of the river it was bonus time! The Ape-man looked like he was trying to scare a big rock. He kept yelling "Boooo!" at it. Maybe he was practicing scaring people or gerbils? Or he's just really, really stupid?"

Blinng was his usual chuffed, self-congratulatory self, "My brilliance is proven yet again. I paid that brave tuna fisherman $3,000 U.S. for that photo! No Euros this time! This picture proves my revolutionary theory that Bigfoots and Yeti's are not only similarly rude and disgusting hominids, but in fact may even be the same species, just like my Mother-in-Law! Just joking? ...honest, heh heh. Maybe NOW I'll finally be invited onto the Discovery Channel or Monster Quest, the fools!"

Sunday, April 25, 2010

BigFoot Romps Through California State Capitol!

Sasquatch Meets Governator. State Police Not Amused....

Easily entertained but shell-shocked tourists claimed a 'sour smelling' Sasquatch ran past the Capitol security checkpoint but then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the Caulyfornia Governator, Aunold Alios Schwarzenegger in a video just inside the building... 
"The monkey-beast was mesmerized, like a kid watching TV.", said an ice cube lobbyist. "The ape-man thought Aunould was inside the flat-screen... he  jumped up and down yelling 'koooan! koooan!', then he ran down the hall chased by a wild-eyed state trooper. Man, you should have seen the fleas on that guy.... and on the Sasquatch too!"

Caught by state security camera... the BigFoot intruder runs past the Governator's office. "He looked scared silly" said a silly state assemblyman, who should know what silly is.

Sasquatch runs away: Chased by Capitol security, BigFoot bolted outside in panic through a 'No Exit' side-door, setting off exit alarms and triggering a massive ape-man hunt on the Capitol grounds..... "That fur-bag saw a large bear in front of Arnie's office and thought it was going to eat him. He flipped-out... I mean he lost it. He screamed like a little girl and ran away. What a wus!"

Sasquatch evades capture attempt! Escaping the Capitol building, the wiley BigFoot evaded a state police dragnet on the Capitol grounds and ran off in the direction of the Caulifornya Leek of Citiez. No permanent damage was done by the blundering Bigfoot,  but several indoor air quality monitors 'went off the charts' during the ape-man invasion. Experts say it will take weeks to fumigate the building.

Why did a wild BigFoot barge into the California State Capitol in Sacramento? Experts are clueless, again. "BigFoots hold Governator Aunold in high regard and treat him as a cult hero. We saw this fenonermone... phenomecon... ahhh... this stuff happen last year in Livermore" said the BigFoot Investigations Agency in Fresno, California. "These beasts think "Conan The Barbarian" is a documentary. Sasquatches can't read or write, but they know fine cinema when they see it. Word on the street is that they like "Predator" too. They don't like romantic comedies."

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Yeti Fight Photos obtained!

Dr. Blinng has 'astounded' the world yet again. In a hastily called press conference at the Yuba City Holliday Inn's All You Can Eat Buffet Room, Dr. Blinng announced the possession of incredible photos proving the existence not only of Yetis, but also the nasty lizard space race known as the Gorn.

"Oh Yeah! Scoreboard ME over that Yeti faker Dim Wit Chann in Tibet! I have definitive photos of Yeti. And I got a GORN included for the same price! I only paid $3,000 a photo.... what a coup!" gloated Blinng. "In your face, Dim Wit!"

Horac Dorkilife, president of the Philadelphia Star Twreck Captain Kirk versus Gorn fan club, was estatic, "Way cool! This is fantastic! We knew that Gorn were spotted in the Star Twreck Next Generation episode 23 in 1999 and in the Mahrval Comic book series in 2007, but to have real live photos of a real Gorn is more than we could ever have hoped for! I have to go now, Mom says it's time for dinner."

Amazing photo above: 
Gorn: "Snow Monkey-man, I grow weary of the chase and your stench. Come to me.. I will be quick and merciful." The abominable snowman (Yeti) is taunted in a fight-to-the-death struggle with the anti-social Gorn. According to the mysterious photographer who sold the pricey photos to Dr. Blinng, the fight took place "somewhere in the high Himalayas... you wouldn't know it".

Amazing photo right, er above?
Yeti-man about to slam Gorn goon into the snow. "That Yeti guy makes Captain Kirk look a  little whimpy, yeah?", said a press conference attendee, "I mean, Kirk had to cheat and use gun powder, right? This here Yeti just picks up that ugly Gorn and throws him from Tibet to India!"

Learn more about the Gorn and why they make great neighbors!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Junk Food Causes BigFoot Panic at High School

Cheese Puffs Trigger Sasquatch Savagery - - Sorry Students run for lives!
Sacramento Police, already dazed from several alien flying saucer invasion  investigations, are chasing down a "junk food crazed BigFoot" which raided a local high school this week.

"Apparently two naughty students at  the high school illegally fed a wandering BigFoot a gigantic bag of glow-in-the-dark orange cheese puffs, you know, the large bag 80 ounces for 89 cents stuff... I'm getting hungry just thinking about 'em! We think the 538 color-dyes used in this fine food product caused the Sasquatch to lose his mind - - these hairy beasts are highly sensitive to tasty snack food additives", said an animal control officer, munching on a box of fluorescent grape-avocado licorice whips.
According to the sorry students, sorry because they are in school detention hall for the next 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days, the fanatical Sasquatch "Went, like, totally nuts! He ate all the cheese puffs in, like, 2 seconds, and then, like, wanted more! We, like, threw him the empty bag and he ate that too! We escaped by climbing on a school gate and texting our best friends over and over again just because we could!" The BigFoot, distracted by the smell of pork rinds, ran off in pursuit of his next junk food meal.

University of Caulyfornia acting up at  Davis (UC Davis) junk food expert Putrick Derhamineggs warned the public, "Look, we're not supposed to feed the bears or gerbils, right? We're not supposed to feed the BigFoots either! Giving a Sasquatch tasty junk food is a recipe for mayhem, chaos, plunging stock markets and, eventually, severe environmental waste material disposal problems. Don't do it! Feed the ape-men raw tofu and organic bean sprouts... it helps their digestion. Hey, does anyone have any SlimJims around here? I'm starving!"

Friday, April 9, 2010

Wild YETI Discovered in Himalayas!

Famous Yeti Hunter Captures Elusive Beast on Camera !

- - gets seriously whacked for his efforts.

Tibet is in an uproar at dramatic news confirming the existence of a Yeti who throws deadly snowballs at humans. Local villagers found a flattened Yeti hunter buried under feet of snow, apparently knocked senseless by the Yeti-man.

Seconds before the wild Yeti attacked.
Yeti with Gigantic SnowballSnowball Terror - - Yeti with Attitude: an incredibly amazing photograph was taken by the famous Chinese Tibetan Yeti Hunter Dim Wit Chann, just moments before he was squashed like a bug from a glacier sized snowball thrown by the icy beast.

Recovering in hospital, Dim Wit said "The Yeti attack happened so fast. The Yeti beast ran out of the forest, looked at my camera, growled and heaved a gigantic snowball right on top of me... it hit like an asteroid. I must have been knocked out for hours. He stole my freeze-dried water supply too!"

Dr. Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City California, was jealously congratulatory. "(Yawn) My semi-sincere congratulations to Mr. Chann on his sort-of-incredible discovery. Of course, I knew Yetis roam the Himalayas.... duh?!? I am the world's expert on these things after all, just ask me. I am convinced Yeti are here in North America as well, such is my scientific greatness. Yeti are close relatives of Sasquatch - - both species have touchy personalities and stink to high heaven. They are like in-laws, these abominable snowman types, you know? Heck, my mother in-law looks like a Yeti!"

Chinese officials are silent on this politically sensitive issue. "Of course, the government wants to keep things quiet." said a local Yak Yogurt franchise owner, "Think about it; Yeti, Snow, Attack, Snowball... not only are these great search terms for search engines, but they are political dynamite if put into the wrong hands!"

Saturday, March 27, 2010


Elusive BigFoot Captured on Remote Candid Camera -- Beer used as BigFoot Bait!

A group of reknown BigFoot hunters from Texas, California and upper Macedonia claim Sasquatch exists and likes fermented hops. Using a remote deer-hunter video camera equipped with a motion detector, the team placed an irresistible bottle of BigFoot Ale in the camera's range and returned to the site a week later to retrieve the video. The location is tippy top secret. The Sasquatch results were astonishing:

Sasquatch Bait: Big Foot Ale Sasquatch Trap: The BigFoot hunter team placed this bottle of Sierra Nevada BigFoot Ale in a location likely to attract wandering Bigfoots. "We spent long hours in carefully selected bars to determine which beer to use. It took hard work, dedication, dart games and a lot of scientific sampling to figure out which brew was the best Sasquatch bait.", said Texas BigFoot hunter Briian Leerky, famous Rice University expert on Sasquatchology.

BigFoot caught on Camera with Big Foot Ale Bait CAUGHT ON FILM! A random wandering Sasquatch became attracted to the bait - - he peered into the remote control video camera... and sniffed the camera housing before biting it.

Drunk BigFoot after drinking 9.5% Big Foot AleLightweight Sasquatch: Bombed Bigfoot waves woozily to the camera after downing the BigFoot Ale bait in one gulp and eating the bottle. "He not hav no stamina for gud Ales!" said legendary Sasquatch hunter Aleksandar Poopov, "I vud hav tout he cud handled it, no?. Vat a wus!"
Dr. Karl Blinng of the YETI not SETI Institute was eerily estatic. "Beer! That is the missing link to the missing link! I will have Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe place bottles of BigFoot Ale in key backwoods areas where BigFeets have been sighted.... I'll need around 1,500,000 to do the job. At last, we will catch one!"