San Simeon becomes "San Simian" as Big Sur Bigfoot goes on Hearst Castle rampage!
Tourists and real estate brokers panicked as a renegade Sasquatch romped through the palatial grounds and buildings of the Hearst Castle complex in San Simeon, California. "The foul beast came down from the hills", said a recovering tourist, "That apeman looked like a very hairy barbarian, with an odor I'll never forget!".
A mysterious Big Sur Bigfoot, caught on camera by a terrified tourist, saunters past the Neptune Pool. Alert museum staff dumped 10 tons of chlorine into the pool after the savage Sasquatch encounter. A surprised park ranger said "that Bigfoot seemed to enjoy the castle grounds... he admired the view and ate shrubbery for a snack... he seemed to like rosebuds and junipers the best."
The Big Foot grazed not only on the expensive landscaping, it invaded Hearst Castle buildings to plunder junk food. Security cameras caught the Sasquatch in brazen attempts to pick-pocket candy bars and slim jims from unsuspecting tourists. "You'd think these dumb tourists would figure out Bigfoots are notorious and obvious thieves - - seeing one in the building should have put them on guard!", said the head of security.
The bungling Big Sur Sasquatch missed the most valuable rooms in the castle. "Good thing he did!", said a museum curator, "Could you image the catastrophic damage that animal would have caused in the Gothic Study, given that this species has a total lack of familiarity or respect for indoor plumbing!? Remember what happened at the Guggenheim in Bilbao! One shudders to even consider the possible destruction we avoided!".
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the pseudo-prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in cosmopolitan Yuba City, California, was opportunistic as usual. "This incident at Hearst Castle calls for serious research from Netflixx. I'm going to rent "Citizen Kane" for $3,000, and search for potential clues. Something about rosebuds..... got any double butter popcorn with you? It's my favorite!"