SASQUATCH SPOTTED NEAR NATION'S CAPITAL! FRANTIC SPOTS CLEAN-UP UNDERWAY BEFORE CONGRESS ESCAPES FOR HOLIDAYS!
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| A seriously lost lobster industry lobbyist caught the Sasquatch on camera near Congress. "Hey, I thought she/he/it/what? was a Senator! Only when I looked at the photo did I realize this creature was a Congressman." |
A general but subdued total, complete, and yet underwhelming panic enveloped Washington DC this week after the Bigfoot sightings. As usual Federal security personnel are staying Mum. "We don't talk to no one! Unless some difficult conspiracy theory she/he/it/what? nut issues a Congressional Subpoena, then we'll talk at them but not to them. It's a great game. We deny, they imply! Keeps us all young."
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| Sasquatch strolls by the Smithsonian Museum. Primate pandemonium erupted in the Anthropology department, with several senior Ph.D.'s submitting their retirement notices. |
The Smithsonian Museum was hit by a Bigfoot walk-by just hours after the Capital Hill sighting. Turmoil erupted in the museum, sparking intense debates on how to treat this overwhelming evidence that North America is home to at least two humanoid (bigfootoid) species!
A special museum ideology squad quickly pivoted to include Sasquatch into their ongoing narratives attacking politically incorrect aspects of history. "It's obvious these suppressed hairy-enhanced creatures are victims of systemic species-ism, forest imperialism, and greedy corporate fast-foodism scraps.", sniffed a senior DEI HR manager. "Only entitled home sapiens would see otherwise. Flea infestations, public defecations, body stench, food scraps and clouds of flies are part of Sasquatch cultural heritage - - to be embraced! We might propose sending crazy crypto-reactionary humans to reeducation camps - - once we get past the next four unpleasant years. I may move to Canada anyway, at least I keep threatening to?"
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| Bigfoot spotted at the Thinking Rabbit Statue. Why Not? |
Dr. Karl Blinng, President for Life of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in sparking Yuba City, California, was philosophical about the recent Bigfoot sightings in the nation's capital. "Washington DC is full of career politicians and family members with partial or full Sasquatch ancestry, how else can their behaviors be explained? Drugs? Stupidity? Bribes? Poor Personal Hygiene? Naaaaaah. It all comes down to bigfoots! Until Bigfoot DNA testing becomes mandatory, we'll never know how many congressmen, senators, presidents, supreme court justices, federal reserve officials, dog-catchers and many other federal employees are in fact bigfoots or partial bigfoots. Saints Preserve Us!"
5 comments:
You forgot family members! I'm sure some of the family members of Presidents and Congressmen are Bigfoots! I should know... William Clinton, retired.
I have a brother who's a confirmed Bigfoot. James Earl Carter, retired.
Bigfoot family members aren't limited to you Yanks. My brother is one, most definitely! My red-headed-stepchild-of-a-son is another. His wife is not a sasquatch. She's rather hot but rather deranged! Now, where is that lazy butler of mine? I need toothpaste on my toothbrush! Sincerely, Charles III of Windsor, not retired.
My son is a bigfoot. The secret service suspected it for years. Well, pardon me! Yours Truly, Joseph Biden, retired some time ago.
I'm a Bigfoot! The best Bigfoot there ever was. An amazing Bigfoot. Just look at my hair! Beautiful, isn't? No other Bigfoot has The Donald's hair! Or skin color for that matter. Donald Trump, retired but need a paycheck so I'm going back to work.
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