NEW JOISEY NUMB AS SASQUATCH SIGHTINGS SOAR!

New Jersey Denizens See DOZENS of Bigfoots! Floating Flatulence in Air?

A panic is gripping New Jersey! (Translation: Nieu Joisey)

Mysterious enemy flying drones? Massive Martian Invasions? New York reclaims the Statue of Liberty? No! Something far, far worse: a ferocious furry flurry of smelly Sasquatch creatures is scouring the Garden State! Except for Newark International Airport... it's already scoured. 

Hey, who cut the cheese? Bigfoot is prime suspect in Joisey!

Reports of Sasquatch sightings are coming in from all parts of New Jersy. "Der I waz, sittin' in traffic like always on de Joisey Turnpike, doin' nuttin'. Then all a sudden, dis crazy ape-guy runs across the road - - chased by, I swear to God, a bunch of flies and a pack of demented howling chihuahuas! That monkey-man had his hands full of old disco fries. Dem dogs were gonna get a piece of that!", exclaimed a commuter. 

An amazing photo of a New Jersey Sasquatch in the wild, capturing the beast prowling the dense forests and swamps of idyllic Hoboken. The wonky wildlife photographer who took the shot has strangely disappeared. Police are looking for him in cement mixers across the state.

A bizarre exhibition focused on Sasquatches and Flying Drones opened at the same time sightings were reported. "25 dollahs per poisen they charge! Armed robbery I tell youse. Look, it's as if THEY knew this waz gonna happen, capish?" said an anonymous state official shaking down vending machines. No dough exchanged hands for this secret interview, got it?!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Chairman-For-Life of the YETI-not-SETI Institute located in swampy Yuba City, California, released this important statement for the press:

"We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying Bigfoots being seen in New Jersey. Furthermore... ah... wait a minute. Ahem! Let me rephrase that. My speech writer is an idiot. I'd fire him but he's blackmailed me so he keeps his job. Right! We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying alien DRONES seen in New Jersey. Bigfoots are spotted all the time. If we can just capture one of those hairy beasts alive.... gosh darn it to heck! But demented DRONES in Joisey? None in NYC or Philly? Who knew?"