Saturday, September 17, 2016

Florida Cat 'Squatch! Clueless Kitty Crushed by Bigfoot's Foot!

Croaked Cat Crushed by Massive Sasquatch Pedibus. Cat Crushing Caught on Kat Kam!

South Florida residents are aghast at the tragic death of a sweet little kitty-cat named 'Fluffles' at the hands, er feet, of a clumsy feral Sasquatch.

"That croaked cat was completely crushed  - - as flat as a feline pancake", said a Dade County Sheriff Deputy on the scene. "At first we suspected the usual Everglades culprits. You know... wild boa constrictors as big as a barn, savage poodle eating alligators and other cuddly swamp critters, but the Kat-Kam on that pussycat settled the issue... it was a wild Bigfoot that done the dirty deed!"

Last image from the Kitty-Kam on Fluffles neck before it was Cat 'Squashed.
Crying Cat Owners in Shock - - Pussys taken off the streets!

A general alert has been announced for South Florida from Key West to Palm Beach - - take your Cats and put them inside. "We just don't know when another Bigfoot will crush a feline. Take your little irritating yappy dogs inside too... on second thought, don't bother!" announced the Monroe County Emergency Management Department.

Sasquatch victim Fluffles the cat has been Memorialized on a public Clock Tower in Touristy Tavernier, Florida.
Brucellosis Hail, a local Florida Keys denizen who commutes between the San Francisco Bay Area and Florida ("I go to South Florida during the summer, because I like Heat, Humidity, Hurricanes and Zika!"), was able to view the Kat-Kam images from Fluffles big adventure after the cat was flattened. "No doubt about it, said Brucellosis, "A Florida Sasquatch crunched that kitty... looked like a tank rolled over it!" Mr. Hail is under serious consideration for being nominated to the YETI NOT SETI Institute Bored of Directors, once his long-promised check arrives in the mail and finally clears the bank this time. 

Erk Holohead, a bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, has a South Florida observation. "I lived in Miami for a few years... I saw everything... Miami Vice disruptions, a thousand varieties of pointy Palm Trees, escaped pet parrots, Little Havana hysterias, and sullen swampy Sasquatches. The way people drove on the Dolphin Expressway was truly inspirational - - your life was in your hands. Many of those maniac drivers looked like scatter-brained Sasquatches. Miami Beach was stuffed full of them. The everglades are only a few miles to the west - - who knows how many Bigfoots are out there?  You know that demented columnist Dave Barry on the Miami Herald? He must be a bigfoot!"

In a public service, this seriously scientific crypto-zoological blog feels obliged to point out previous Sasquatch sightings in Florida. We'll remove these links if the Florida Tourist Commission pays us the ransom demand we've sent them by registered mail:

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Bigfoot Sighting in Rocky Mountains!

Sasquatch Rocky Mountain High Terror:
Foolish Fly Fisherman Frantic from Foul Feral Fragrances!

A group of clueless California fly fishing fanatics in Colorado were horrified from a close encounter of the worst kind with a wild Sasquatch. The heavy consumption of legal cannabis while fly fishing is suspected as a prime cause of yet another Bigfoot fiasco. "That nasty bad beast robbed us, man! Took our trout. I think it did. Uh, wait....". The fishing victims were questioned by forest rangers, then released, as they appeared to stupid but harmless and posed no threat to other hallucinating pot-heads in the area.

One of the stoned anglers was able to take a rare photo of the elusive nasty Bigfoot beast before passing out:
Brazen Bigfoot Spotted at Rocky Mountain Stream by fisherman.
Colorado Park Rangers have released this sketched description of the Sasquatch suspect, as described by one of the Rocky Mountain high Fly Fisherman after the Bigfoot attack:
Stoned Fly Fisherman's description of the Bigfoot.
Dr. Blinng, Director of the impressive sounding YETI Not SETI Institute in picturesque Yuba City, California, was impressed. "I'm impressed! Those pot-head fly fishermen used large amounts of cannabis sativa to tie their precious fly-fishing hooks. What idiots. Everyone knows that the wily trout won't fall for that old trick!  You gotta tie a bottle of Jack Daniels to your fishing line. That and have a shotgun ready to go. Works every time!"

Speculation that the Colorado Sasquatch is actually a get-high-and-space-out nomad marijuana loving New Mexico Bigfoot tired of the Santa Fe artsy-fartsy scene is gaining serious support among Ancient Alien documentary intelligentsia. "Think about it.", said YETI not SETI bored of director Erk Holohead, "Ancient Alien theorists speculate on just about anything as long as they get paid for it! Sort of like us bonafide Sasquatch experts, only we don't get paid squat."