Saturday, December 17, 2011

CNN Humiliated After Missing Sasquatch Scoop of the Century!

Bigfoot Sighting at CNN World Headquarters Completely Missed by Elite News Team - - "Heads will Roll!"

The mangy fur is flying inside the CNN newsroom this week after an intrepid reporter for a local high school paper made an amazing Sasquatch sighting inside CNN's world headquarters, badly embarrassing the gaggle of professional multi-million CNN dollar news anchors equipped with cutting edge laser whitened dental implants and state-of-the-art polymer hairdos.
SCOOPED: Bigfoot spotted inside CNN World Headquarters by High School paper reporter.
The baffled Bigfoot was spotted roaming inside the giant CNN lobby, amazed at the big amazing CNN globe and the bigger more amazing CNN souvenir shop. "He looked really dumb & dazed", said an eye-witness, "like he'd never seen a CNN coffee mug with Anderson Cooper's face on it with before! I bet he wuz looking for FOX News and got seriously lost."
POOPED: Piers Morgan's ratings slip yet again with Bigfoot mishap, missing chance for exclusive Sasquatch guest interview.
Having seen enough of Anderson Cooper t-shirts, the shaken Bigfoot fled the CNN building, leaving behind a crowd of stunned CNN tourists and has-been celebrity interviewees. "I thought he was a guest star on the Animal Planet Channel.", said a retiree from Florida, "He sure seemed horribly casual about his personal hygiene!"*
Sasquatch leaving CNN World Headquarters in a huff, miffed he was not given an guest appearance on Larry King.
A shake-up in CNN's news anchor line-up is rumored after the Bigfoot bombshell. "This sorry Sasqautch gap in our news reporting is completely unacceptable." said Suzan Grunt, senior news director, "Look at FOX and MSNBC! They cover hairy apemen all the time... we must up our Bigfoot reporting game!"  

*Sasquatch, not Cooper Anderson.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Chaos in China! Sino Sasquatch Scares Great Wall!

Bigfoot Sighted at Great Wall of China!

A day at the Great Wall of China was ruined for thousands of Chinese and international tourists when a badly bathed Bigfoot was discovered dithering on the famous wall at Badaling, just outside of Beijing. In the ensuing panic, several hundred priceless 'I saw the Great Wall while standing on my head' t-shirts were lost. "Great Wall not-so-great now", said a local Great Wall cheap baseball cap vendor, "that stinky yeti sneak in, cause trouble, no good, no good!".
Sneaky Sasquatch blending in with crowds of unsuspecting tourists at Great Wall.
The throngs of Great Wall visitors were blissfully ignorant of the nearby proximity of the mangy monkey-man, when someone spotted the beast and screamed "YETI!". Immediate primate pandemonium ensued, with the Sasquatch fleeing the scene pursued by hundreds of irate tourists holding hanker-chefs to their noses in an attempt to thwart the 'inhuman stench' emitting from the hairy hide of the Bigfoot.
China Bigfoot running on the wall, escaping the rampaging mob intent on giving him a bath.
The raiding Bigfoot managed to steal some delectable street-vendor snack food before escaping, including fried scorpion and beetle-on-a-stick."He liked my fried chicken feet the most... he stole them all!" said an out-of-business victim. Almost famous Chinese Yeti expert Dim Wit Chann was weirdly excited by this Bigfoot sighting in China. "Aha! This proves my amazing theory, a theory which only true genius like mine can inspire... unlike that fool, that so-called expert Karl Blinng. This vindicates my argument that Yetis and Bigfoots are the same species of Gigantopithicus Revoltus, and share common body odor DNA! Scoreboard AGAIN, Blinng!"
Last known photo taken of the mysterious Sino Sasquatch
before it escaped into the mountains.
Erk Holohed, international cheap baseball cap trader and an unfortunate Great Wall tourist who witnessed the nasty Bigfoot incursion, was hysterically historical about it.... "Some Great Wall, yeah sure.... ancient walls never stopped hygiene-deprived barbarians from attacking civilization in China, Rome, Yankee Stadium, and the rest of the world. So if the Great Wall couldn't stop Genghis Khan and his unwashed horde, how was it gonna stop a marauding Bigfoot!?"

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Bigfoot Raids Sacred Japanese Temple!

Sorry Sasquatch sighting at famous Buddhist Temple - - Attracted by Giant Sandals? 
Surprised Buddhist Monk Accidently Breaks 53 year Vow of Silence!
The famous, ancient Japanese Kamakura Temple was subjected to kinetic chaos and bad karma for a few incredible hours when a renegade Bigfoot waltzed through the formerly serene temple grounds.
Brazen Bigfoot caught on camera by semi-shocked American tourist at Kamakura Temple.
An eyewitness claimed the apeman was flabbergasted by the huge sandals on display at the temple - - "I think that Monkeyman-san couldn't believe someone else had bigger feet than he did. And that disgusting odor he emitted, aromatic nirvana he was not! 私の神、その猿のものの匂いをした!"
Damage to ancient temple buildings is being assessed by disaster engineers and graffiti experts, "We are hoping the beast only caused minor damage, but a deep fumigation of the entire complex is totally required now".
Shocked Temple visitors wait outside while police search buildings for Bigfoot, in vain.
An elderly Monk, observing a 53 year long Vow of Silence, accidentally broke his vow when bumping face-to-face into the huge, snarling, smelly beast. Temple authorities are quiet about what the Monk actually said, but eyewitnesses said it was the Japanese equivalent of "Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!" *. 
Under these circumstances, Temple management are considering giving the shocked Monk a pass, based upon the considerable mental shock he received. "Ah-so desukagoing nose-to-nose with a hairy stinky Sasquatch without warning is not like meditation in a Zen Rock Garden! Our beloved Brother Monk is in rehabilitation, and we are optimistic he will recover soon." 
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the famous YETI not SETI Institute in bustling Yuba City, California, has also vowed to take an Oath of Silence. "Yeah, I had a stupid gag-order slapped on me about a certain rubberized bigfoot incident back in 2008 and a allegedly fraudulent $3,000 payout. That judge has no sense of humor.... I can't talk about that case... No Comment!"

*Unauthorized translation into Japanese: "よく、オクラに唐辛子を入れていないことなら!"

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Mr. Bill Bashed by Bigfoots!

Hollywood Celebrity Mr. Bill Mugged by Wild Band of Sasquatch - - Tinsel Town Glitteri Aghast!
Mr. Bill, the famous retired TV celebrity and comedian, was attacked and robbed yesterday by a rare gang of outlaw Bigfoots roaming wild near Vail, Colorado. The Bigfoot attack was captured live by a security camera at the posh In~Excess Spa & Mountain Resort, where Mr. Bill has been a guest. 
Bigfoot Attack on Hollywood Celebrity Mr. Bill! Mr. Bill beat-up and mugged by criminal Sasquatches in Vail.
"I was chilling, walking down a lovely nature trail next to the Spa, getting ready for my private organic Bali Exotique® dung facial and greenhouse gas detox sessions, when these very nasty Bigfoots attacked me. They were not nice. They were meanOhhhhhhhh Nooooooo! The apemen took my precious cheetos and whiskey flask.... I had nothing left to keep me alive in that nasty wilderness. Luckily a very nice resort person drove by in a trendy Prius golf cart and rescued me. Can we exclude bigfoots from the trendy Hollywood Fur-Free ban?" Mr. Bill was treated for minor lacerations and released from the local Vail Hollywood Celebrity Losers Rehab Centre today. 

The mayor of Vail has urged calm. "Be Calm! Don't call your stock broker. Drink a Mimosa or something." The local Vail police have doubled patrols. Citizens have been warned to carry only tasteless, trendy organic food when going outside, as bigfoots crave junk food and will do anything to get it.  

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti Not Seti Institute in serene Yuba City, California, was irritated. "Mr. Bill is a has-been, he's living off his past. Mr. Bill hasn't been in any decent movie or TV show since the 1970's. He even tried to hit the Spanish speaking market with a disaster called "Señor Guillermo" in the 90's, it was a total bust... his drug and alcohol addictions really messed him up. So this loser is spending $600 a night at a swank resort in the Rocky Mountains living the high life, when I could use that money acquiring precious Bigfoot bodily fluid DNA! Pseudo-science is not respected in this country! My genius is not appreciated! Not that I'm bitter or anything...."

Only Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings can bring you the latest, amazing news on Gigantopithicus Robustus Revoltus.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Japan on High Alert - - BigFoot Attacks Shock Nation!

Sasquatch Kraziness in Kyoto - - Total Terror in Tokyo - - Brazen Bigfoot attacks Japan!
(Tokyo) Breaking News - - Japanese are in pseudo-panic today from the amazing news of a 'stinky, wild, apeman-san' caught snoring while napping inside the Shogun's sleeping quarters at historic Nijo Castle, trashing the palace in the process.
"This is a misanthropic catastrophe of epic proportions.", said one of the emergency repairman sent to mitigate the extensive damage, "I'm going to make a lot yen on this job!". The Sasquatch escaped disoriented security guards and ran into the Castle gardens, robbing tourists of mysterious Japanese junk food and then disappearing into the surrounding area. Reports of an entire grove of Japanese plum trees wilting after the marauding Bigfoot 'relieved itself' nearby are under investigation.

Sasquatch attack at Nijo Castle! Local tourists thought the animal was part of the castle's entertainment until the ape beast stole their fried fish bone snacks.
Tokyo not Spared from BigFoot Barrage!
Just hours later, perplexed police suspect the same abominable apeman showed up in Tokyo, terrorizing unsuspecting shoppers. "Why us?!", said a frustrated local commuter, "Tokyo gets attacked by all the monsters.... it's not fair! First Godzilla, then Mothra, then Baragon, then Barney. Just when you think we're safe, this pathetic excuse for an Apeman attacks us?! I'm fed up! I'm moving to Itabashi. Nothing ever happens out there". 
Bigfoot in Tokyo - - Police warn citizens to be on the lookout. "He is clever and can blend into a crowd, be careful! If you see an 2.4 meter high missing link Apeman covered in matted fur and flies, that could be our suspect!", said a senior captain of Tokyo's crackerjack criminal monsters investigation force.
Godzilla Considering Legal Action Against Sasquatch:
Godzilla versus Bigfoot - Flames versus Fumes?
Responding to speculation that the mystery Sasquatch was poaching on Godzilla's turf, Godzilla's legal team issued a brief statement today confirming that the Big Lizard is looking into legal action against the uppity hominid.
"Our client has clear legal precedent in Japan for rights to commit all mayhem and chaos in Tokyo.", said a representative of Atsueme & Scruyu legal partners, "We will file a cease and desist order on this sorry Sasquatch. If that doesn't work, our client will use his atomic breath and incinerate that mangy furball!"

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Texas Bigfoot Trashes Nature Walk

Bigfoot spotted at Brazos River - - Texas nature trail shuts down in panic!

A outlaw gang of Texas bird watchers, searching for the exceedingly rare spotted-triple-breasted-twit, ran smack into a wild Bigfoot during a recent bird hunting expedition along the Brazos River. Panic ensued. 
"We were already plenty scared, what with the nature trail sign telling us to be careful of feral coyotes, wild hogs, stinging wasps, poisonous snakes, and rancid real estate agents, when all of a sudden this furry apeman jumped right in front of us and got really, really angry. We thought that crazy bigfoot was going to attack us - - but it was mad at the nature trail sign, apparently because bigfoots weren't listed as being dangerous. I think his ego has hurt, poor smelly beast. That bigfoot busted that sign up real good and ran off into the trees."
And Bigfoots? What about Bigfoots?  Visitors complain the nature trial warning sign doesn't warn hikers of a savage Sasquatch danger.
Sheriff patrols, equipped with more coffee and donuts than usual, have been increased along the Brazos river in an attempt to calm the frightened public. Fort Bend County animal control officials released a "no comment" statement when questioned about the bigfoot sighting. "We're not talking", said one county official, "we're still getting flack for the way we handled that flying saucer traffic ticket incident last year.... we're not stupid!"

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Bigfoot Creature Found on Mars!

Shock Rover Image - - Bigfoot Living on Mars... 
Vandalizes Martian Rover...  Massive NASA Cover-up Exposed!
Bigfoot on Mars! Amazing Rover photo captures image of a Martian Sasquatch moments before the Spirit Rover is mysteriously knocked out of action.
There is exclusive and undeniable proof that Bigfoots live on Mars. A California NASA Utility Technical Sanitation engineer (NUTS - Class III), claims NASA is hiding this amazing truth from the public. "The Mars Spirit Rover did not stop operations because someone left the parking brake on by accident - - the official Pasadena Jet Propulsion Laboratory explanation." 
"No! The Spirit Rover was attacked by a obnoxious, juvenile delinquent Sasquatch. The ape-boy maliciously vandalized the mega-million dollar rover and left copious amounts of urea on the Rover's sensitive instruments. That martian monkey-man peed on our delicate, expensive, high-technology sensors. They were ruined in seconds. We're not laughing here at NASA... 10 years of work down the drain, just p*ssed away as it where. That little punk ape-man is going to pay."
NASA rover image: Bigfoot is roaming Mars and up to no good.
Briian Leerky, Ph.D. in Sasquatchology at Houton's Rice University, was really geeked up. "This photo is just incredible - - there is life on Mars, and it is shaggy, hairy, smelly, and would T-P your house in a Martian second if it knew what houses and toilet paper were. Proof of this foul beast on Mars also explains the mysterious trace methane we've found polluting the Martian atmosphere." 

As usual, the YETI not SETI Institute is way ahead of MonsterQuest in reporting these incredible Bigfoot sightings.

Dr. Karl Blinng quickly paid $3,000 cash to obtain the Martian Sasquatch photo. "This new scientific evidence is even better than the Marvin the Martian Opportunity Rover photo I paid $2,400 last year... what a scientific coup. I'll be famous!"

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Missing Link Invades NYC Natural History Museum!

Night in the Museum for Bungling Bigfoot - - Locked inside at Closing Time - - Mistaken for an Exhibit. Museum Management Cover-up......

Numb New York City citizens, angry Anthropologists and mummified museum patrons are in an uproar over an alleged Bigfoot invasion of the American Natural History Museum this weekend. Not only did the Sasquatch get inside the museum, but it became trapped, spending a night in the museum when closing time came. 
Sorry Sasquatch trapped for the night in the Natural History Museum,
eating stale vending machine snacks and drinking luke-warm coca-cola to survive.
This brilliant blog has obtained an exclusive interview with a Museum employee: 
"Oh yeah, it happened all right! Our security cameras tracked the apeman - - 'cause as a night shift security professional I waz takin' a power nap - - hey - - union rules, OK? Anyway, all them fleas he left behind was a good trail marker. The monkey man spent a lot of time in the Not-Eliot Spitzer Hall of Human Origins. That place gives me the creeps, you know? All them dead,really old hairy stuffed guys just lookin' at you with them glassy eyes... that Bigfoot was fascinated by them ancient apes and neanderthals, he got really excited when he saw 'em. On the security video, he called one "cousin" and talked to it. Can I have my 40 bucks now?"
New York City expert on Sasquatchology and recently retired politician Antony Weeiner, Ph.D, was in denial. "How do we know that was a Gigantopithecus Revoltus? Someone could have hacked that museum camera security system using Tweeter!" 

Ape Beast caught on camera, fleeing the Museum as it reopened the next morning.
The Bigfoot managed to survive his terrifying ordeal. When the Museum opened the next day, the Bigfoot bolted for freedom. "He ran outta there like a mangy trapped civet cat streaking out of a hot garage!", said an amazed Albuquerque tourist, "After seeing that, we decided to go to Times Square instead."

Museum personnel are combing every square inch of the building for any 'calling cards' left behind by the big ape. "Sasquatches don't use indoor plumbing - - we can confirm it." said a    disgusted museum volunteer.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the aspirational YETI not SETI Institute in recovering Yuba City, California, was amused. "Ha! You know what? I am amused! We have a lot better Bigfoot museum right here at the Institute. We sell really cool Sasquatch t-shirts... $12.95 on sale. I get a 10% commission, how many do you want?" 

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Spanish Sasquatch Sighting!

Basque Bigfoot Beast Boggles Bilbao! 

Bigfoot-plagued Basque city of Bilbao in undulating panico after shock Sasquatch invasion.
A seriously compromised eyewitness captured the audacious Bigfoot on camera, jogging along the Nervión river across from the Universidad de Deusto in Bilbao. "¡Qué mal olor! A disgustingly filthy animal - - that evil body aroma was indescribable." 
"It came from the hills", said a dumbfounded local, knocked senseless by the marauding mammal, "it made a really pathetic paseo by the river... the animal looked hungry, hungry for junk food.... everyone ran away screaming and tried to protect their fried goosebarnacles and vino txakoli!"
Bilbao city authorities deny Bigfoots are in the city. Erk Holohed, dubious Sasqautchologist, claims a massive cover-up is underway by the Spanish government. "The government is hiding the truth! Bigfeets have been spotted in Spain before - - at the Guggenheim and fighting an evil alien invasion martian spider. This is now the (trying to count his fingers) 4th, no wait, 2nd? wait, darn it.... 3rd time the wild apemen has been spotted in Bilbao. This is worse than the faked NASA moon landing conspiracy in 1969, I tell you!"
Brainy Bilbao Basque pseudo-paleolithic expert Xavier Extediarya was insulted. "What a boob, that Holohead character is a real txotxolo. Everyone knows that hairy ape creature is a 100% Basque Baxajuan... it only stole good Basque wine and ate good Basque junk food... it know what it was doing!" 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

New York Bigfoot Strikes Again!

The "Manhattan Monster" raids the Museum of Modern Art - - Avant-Garde Artists Astounded!
New York City residents, already grumpy from a shocking Bigfoot sighting in Central Park last week, have suffered another Sasquatch scare at the Museum of Modern Art in Manhattan. The world famous Museum, also known as "MOMA", "U MOMA", "MOMA MIA" and "I Don't Get It" to its many fans, has been closed to the public since the latest scandalous Sasquatch siege.
Beastly Bigfoot Boggled by Bonafide Modern Art.
The hairy creature was spotted amongst "priceless" modern art, gazing gobsmacked at a multi-textured finger-paint masterpiece entitled "Instant coffee stains on my undershirt armpits" or, "les taches de café instantané sur mes aisselles maillot", from the famous, almost dead, French international artiste Pieau Toutalli-Dorque. "I think this modern art bewildered the poor beast", said one New Jersey tourist scratching his head, "to be honest, I'm getting a headache from looking at this stuff myself!"
"Well", sniffed a junior museum curator,"This irritating bigfoot has bad social skills, poor hygiene, eats inorganic junk food, and is not fashionable, but at least this sorry apeman appreciates fine modern art when he sees it!" Museum authorities are relieved the Manhattan Bigfoot didn't use the museum masterpieces as a bathroom, avoiding the Sasquatch sculpture disaster the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao suffered several years ago.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the internationally infamous YETI not SETI Institute in urbane Yuba City, was happy to bandwagon the artsy angle for gratuitous self promotion. "I am an world recognized expert on Sasquatch art, you know. I took a general ed college class in art appreciation once - - I got a "C-", what a humiliation... that professor hated me and she took revenge because I told her Picasso was a demented lunatic with terrible eye-hand coordination - - thank you very much! She'll be sorry one day, when my true genius is recognized!".

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sasquatch Sighting in Central Park!

Bigfoot Spotted in New York City - - Roaming Central Park - - NYC "OMG"!
The jaded citizens of Gotham were astonished this weekend to learn a feral Bigfoot is living in Central Park, right under their stressed out noses. According to Gotham City police, the NYC Bigfoot is scrounging a living near "The Lake" in Central Park, taking advantage of heavy unnatural foliage and lost tourists to hide from Animal Control Inspectors and vicious Park Avenue Poodles.
Amazing photo of a wild Sasquatch roaming the remote badlands of Central Park.
How is this mysterious ape-creature surviving in Manhattan? According to quasi-experts at the Museum of unNatural History across from Central Park, the NYC Bigfoot is probably living off street-cart food and small furry animals. "We know these monkey-beasts crave both fried and junk food", said one scientist, "the beast appears to be foraging plenty of both. We've also noticed a dramatic drop in the squirrel and rat populations on the north side of the Park. Coincidence? I think not!"
City Hall is silent. "Are you kidding me?!", said a deputy junior part-time clerk in the Parks and Wreckreation Department, "If we lean on this Bigfoot ape guy, the Sierra Club will slap us with a endangered mythological species lawsuit in a New York minute! Better to just pretend that apeman isn't there."
Karl Blinng, Ph.D. and Director of the fabulous YETI not SETI Institute in semi-interesting Yuba City, California, was intrigued. "You know what? I am intrigued!", exclaimed Dr. Blinng, "We've known for years that New York City sewers harbor 30 foot python snakes, 60 pound rats, 2 ton alligators and Jimmy Hoffa... so a Sasquatch in NYC should not be a surprise. The question is, does the apeman know how to use the subway properly, or does he jump the turnstile?"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Switzerland in Shock as Bigfoot Bothers Basel!

Swiss Sasquatch Sighting in Basel Beggars Belief!
A rare Alpine Bigfoot has wreaked chaos and badly surprised the solid citizens of Basel, who are not used to such unplanned excitement. Swiss Defense Forces have deployed the latest army knife technology in the search for this dangerous beast. "We will find this nasty apeman", said a city spokesman on his smoking break, "or we will chase him to Geneva!".
Bigfoot in Basel. Swiss Sasquatch scares citizens!
Bigfoot in Basel: Incredible photo of an Alpine Sasquatch invading central Basel. "It stole my precious apfelküchlein snacks!", complained a shocked junkfood shopper on Riehenstrasse.
"This is an amazing cryptoscientific event, worthy of a lucrative book and documentary deal" said the famous pseudoscience author Eriiick von Dänikenheimer, famous Swiss author of "Donkey Carts of the Gods". "With this frankly unbelievable sighting of a missing-link beast in my own country, I am inspired to write a new book which links these ape-beasts to the Pyramids, ancient Space Aliens and the Golden Arches of McDonalds. I will make a fortune... my loyal followers accept any garbage I throw at them! Ahhhhh, this is off the record, right?".
Bigfoot on the Rhine. Basel very bothered.
Bigfoot on the Rhine: Extremely rare photo of an Alpine Sasquatch gazing across the Rhine river in Basel. "It smelled some really rancid fried food wafting over the river", said a shaken local, "he was sniffing the air trying to find the source. But let me tell you, I could smell him from across the bridge... what a horrible aroma! Our well-behaved Swiss dogs avoided that bridge for at least week after the monkyman crossed it."

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Bigfoot Slaps Seal Senseless!

Exclusive: Big Sur Bigfoot knocks Elephant Seal Languid with Odoriferous Olfactory Onslaught!

A stunned professional nature photograher from Martinez, California took this amazing live-action shot of a rare Big Sur Bigfoot stupifying a local elephant seal named "Bubbles" at Año Nuevo State Park, California. "Look, I was taking photos of these big fat lazy beasts (the seals, not the tourists), and I had this great shot of this one seal - - I mean National Geographic cover stuff, baby! Kaa-ching! Man, I could see the dollar signs floating over the animal's head! Then suddenly, out of nowhere, this smelly monkey menace ape-man ran by and the poor seal passed out with fright! Totally wrecked my shot! My lens cap melted too. Now I have to salvage what I can and try selling this lousy photo on Ebay - - I hear there are crazy people out there who will pay $3,000 for this sort of garbage."

Sasquatch harassing California Elephant Seal.
Dazed California Elephant Seal confronts Big Sur Sasquatch in amazingly annoying Animal Planet footage.

Año Nuevo Park rangers confirm that "Bubbles" has been in a sullen state of shock ever since the sorry Sasquatch encounter. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the peculiar YETI not SETI Institute in agrarian Yuba City, California, was optimistically panicked. "Darn it! Where is I.T. when you need them! I need my computer fixed now so I can buy that precious photo on Ebay. I must have it. $3,000 is a steal. That dumb photographer has no idea of the true value of that picture, the fool. This photo proves my amazing theory confirming an evolutionary link between Elephants, Seals, Sasquatches and rancid sea water. I must get this stupid computer fixed... I wonder if this has something to do with all those websites my I.T. guy said I should never visit again?"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sasquatch likes Soda at Soft Drink Museum!

"It's The Real THING!" - - - 
Terrified sugar-high Coke ® tourists scream at Coca Cola ® Bigfoot in Atlanta!

Was the founder of Coca Cola ® a Bigfoot? Clues abound!

Bigfoot and suspected Sasquatch John Pemberton, Founder of Coca Cola ®.
A nastily surprised tourist from Nashville caught this amazing photo of a Bigfoot posing with the founder of Coca Cola ®, "I was looking foward to the Coca Cola Museum ® tour, when this gawd-awful smelly monkeyman jumped right into my shot.... he melted my lense! All I could do then was just drink tons of Coca Cola Classic ® and watch Coke ® commercials in Bulgarian."

Was John Pemberton a Bigfoot!? You decide.
"Based upon this incredible photo, and the fact that Pemberton was lunatic enough to include cocaine extracts with enough refined sugar to coat the Empire State Building ® in his original formula, I come to the startling conclusion that Mr. Pemberton was a demented Bigfoot. I strongly advise anyone drinking this so-called Coca Cola ® to switch immediately to BigFoot Ale ®." said Erk Holohead, 3rd-rate celebrity quasi-Bigfoot expert.
Bigfoot in Atlanta. Coca Cola Museum attacked!
"Look", said Briian Leerky, Ph.D., famous Sasquatchologist at Rice University ® in Houston ®, "In the back of my mind, what I was hoping to find, was the real THING. Nasty THINGS like Bigfoots go better with Coke! An age-old mystery has been solved. I'm sorry for Pepsi ® and Doctor Pepper ®, but that's the way the soda can crumples. I can't wait to write my next pseudo-scientific paper, this gig will keep me rolling in brainless government grants for another year."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Ponzi-Scheme award winner and Director of the YETI not SETI Institute of Sasquatchology,  was green with envy. "I can't stand it! I lived in Atlanta Georgia evading a court summons in Yuba City ® ... er, wait.... uh yeah, I has deep into my Sasquatch academic studies at some small university or another, and NEVER ONCE saw a Bigfoot. And now these stupid Ape-men start showing up! I will pay $3,000 for that statue of John Pemberton! How you get it to me is your business. It will go nicely with my $3,000 ancient 'King Tut is really a Bigfoot' antiquities statue I bought cheap from some dopes at a flea market last year .... the fools!"

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Bigfoot Video Shocker from North Carolina!

Breaking News: Bigfoot Captured on Video by Brave North Carolina Citizens!

Big Foot Or Knobby Is Alive And Well In North Carolina!

Go ahead, view this amazing video...  you know you want to:

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Yosemite Yeti Disrupts Famous Landmark!

Bigfoot Beast Roams near Yosemite Falls... Park Rangers Reveal Top Secret!

A bus load of Yosemite Valley tourists, elite commando Ranger Rick Patrol park rangers, and junk-food scrounging black bears were terrified and amazed when a Bigfoot was spotted stomping through thick forest near Yosemite Falls. "It was evening, and getting close to the Falls closing time", said a park ranger, "I was gettin' ready to turn off Yosemite Falls for the evening... what, you didn't know? Heck it's easy.... I just turn this spigot off right here... see? We shut 'er down from sundown to sunrise... those dumb tourists never figure it out. Suddenly this white furred ape-beast loped right past me like it was out for a jog or something... that incredible odor! I'll never forget it, I nearly choked to death. The ape-man was followed by a cloud of flies a mile long. Anyway, I had enough strength left to turn off the falls and get back to Ranger HQ to recover, where we do important stuff like drink beer and play Mario Brothers."
Yosemite Yeti spotted near Half Dome by astounded camper.
Bigfoot expert and part-time minor-celebrity trial lawyer Ricard Scheister quickly announced an amazing connection between the Yosemite Yeti and Ansel Adams. "I have it on strong authority that Ansel Adams attempted to photograph suspected Bigfoots in Yosemite Valley, but his camera lens shattered. He gave up... it was costing him a small fortune and photos of waterfalls and big rocks sell for more anyway. Er, as a lawyer I must inform you that by giving you my considered opinion in this matter, this constitutes the minimum 30 minutes of my legal time... I'll send the bill in the mail."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the financially creative YETI not SETI Institute, issued a press release regarding the Yosemite Yeti. "Holy Toledo! You mean they actually turn off Yosemite Falls at night? Who knew? I'll pay $3,000 for that spigot!"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Siberian Sasquatch Spotted in Srednekolymsk!

Sasquatch Surfaces - - Srednekolymski City Scared Silly - - Siberia Suffers!
Amazing Photo of Wild Bigfoot Roaming Barren Siberian Steppes:
Siberian Bigfoot Sighting.
A rare Siberian Bigfoot was encountered by a local Yakut fur hunter, who took this incredible shot in balmy sub-zero degree arctic winter weather while hunting for rare frozen siberian bear pellets. "My wife nags me and says I am stupid - - says I should be looking for siberian bear pelts, but she knows nothing! These iced bear pellets are worth far more on the black market in China - -  they use 'em to treat really disgusting rashes."

The Mayor of Srednekolymski, Mr. Эрик Холлоу глава, was defensive; "Look, we have enough problems around here with getting vodka and microwave dinners defrosted, da? - - we don't need another headache, nyet! That hairy apeman better stay in the forest or we'll have sasquatch steaks for sure.... after we dig the permafrost out of our barbeque pit."

Russia's Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, asked Siberian citizens to remain calm. "Listen you poor sods, who are half-frozen anyway, chill out already! If this bigfoot invader scares Mother Russia again I will shoot it myself. Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the mysterious YETI not SETI Institute in remote Yuba City, California,  was chilling... "I'll pay 3,000 rubles for that photo! If they find frozen Bigfoot pellets I'll pay any price! But don't ask me to go there in person, OK? My thermal underwear is at the dry cleaners. I'd rather spend a week in Death Valley in August than freeze my tushie up there."

Siberian Sasquatch Update:
Russia sets up university institute to study the yeti after spate of sightings!