Thursday, December 22, 2016

Bigfoot Trashes Research Laboratory!

No Nobel Prize for Science This Year:

Frozen Sasquatch Escapes Prestigious Cryptozoology Laboratory!

A heavy, hairy, harrowing blow was struck against pseudo-science this week when an authentic, bonafide, we-kid-you-not Sasquatch specimen was accidentally defrosted at the prestigious SCRAPPS San Diego research center, resulting in the only know living specimen of Gigantopithicus Revoltus Revoltus escaping into the badlands of San Diego.
When the lab freezer temperature accidentally reached 0 degrees Celsius very bad things began to happen.
"It was an intern undergrad student that screwed up. Typical!", said a senior researcher at the SCRAPPS Centre for Advanced Tepid Temperature Fusion Research lab, SCATT. "I advised the executive research committee to start hiring real graduate students... they work cheap, they follow orders, and they don't complain. But No! They didn't listen. Oh, we took precautions. We knew from prior research that Cold Fusion wasn't the right approach. But Tepid Fusion, ah... that had promise, based on the data. The Sasquatch was our missing link to success. But NOW look what happened. Our meal-ticket to Scientific Stardom and Nobel Prize Easy Street just walked out the door! Excuse me, I have to write another demeaning research grant proposal now, sigh."
Caught on Camera: Defrosted Sasquatch Terrorizes Tepid-Fusion Research Laboratory.
San Diego's hard-pressed police are on double watch, as in Bay Watch. "Yeah, we don't do much on land, we tend to focus on the beaches and salt water.", said an officer. "Them Ancient Alien Ape-Men types just don't like to stick around the beach much. They're scared silly of them large ocean fishes pooping in the water. That beast is long gone and headed to Amarillo."
Defrosting Bigfoot Lab Escapee Stumbling on SCRAPPS Pier. 
Karl Blinng, Ph.D. and Director of the prestigious YET NOT SETI Institute in semi-serious Yuba City, California, was highly disappointed. "I'm highly disappointed from the untimely defrosting and escape of that precious simian sample.", said Blinng. "I had $3,000 in real Venezuelan Bolivars ready to give the SCRAPPS Research Institute for the hairy beast. This time I was sure I wasn't being set up for yet another expensive rubberized Sasquatch joke... scientists don't have much of a sense of humor, you know. So close.... we must find that beast!"

BigFoot Spotted at Top Secret National Laboratory - - Sparks Sasquatch Security Search.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Bigfoot Spotted in Coconino National Forest.

Sasquatch Sighted in Coconino National Forest! Locals go Loco.

Arizona's Oak Creek Canyon has been hit with yet another revolting and regrettable Bigfoot scare, as a lone Sasquatch was spotted loitering around the Call of the Canyon West Fork trail in Coconino National Forest.

"Dag gum it, it was totally Cuckoo in Coconino last week!", said an craggy canyon denizen old timer, "There I was, fixin' to go into that dern canyon gulch and catch me some rattlesnake fricassee, when that hairy critter ran right past me. Scared me and my mule near to death! I called it a day and went to Sedona for fish tacos instead."
Sullen Sasquatch at West Fork Trail Head. 
Coconino Forest Federales remain quiet about the incident. "We know nothing, nothing!" said a local ranger. "We're monitoring the situation.... behind locked doors and armed with really nasty paint ball guns in case the beast returns. OK, it'd help if we had real guns, nets, and rancid food bait... we could organize a posse and catch the beast. But we don't want to frighten them pacifistic lucrative mystical crystal vortex suckers, er tourists. Those fools pay top dollar, believe me!" 
Bigfoot rummaging in Coconino.
Erk Holohead, a bored of director member* of the world famous YETI not SETI Institute in semi-picturesque Yuba City, was highly perplexed. "I'm highly perplexed!", said Erk, "Perplexity in the universe happens all the time, specially when it involves Calculus crunching and Silly-String-Theory stuff. But this Bigfoot sighting in Oak Creek Canyon's Coconino National Forest is really perplexing." 

"A similar beast was spotted earlier this year in the exact same area. Coincidence? I think not! How did the Bigfoot beast get there? Why did it return? When will it go away? Where is the beast's scat droppings? Who really cares? I smell a Sasquatch conspiracy, among other things. These are all questions which demand answers, darn it!"

*Mr. Holohead paid his $25.00 BOD BYOB Institute membership fee last month. But he still owes the Institute funds for unexplained travel and entertainment expenses in Macau and Las Vegas.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Spiny Sasquatch Sighting at Joshua Trees National Momument!

Feral Bigfoot Beast Spotted Wandering Southern California Desert!

Tourists and covert cactus thieves at Joshua Trees National Monument were shocked this week when a Bigfoot sauntered into their spiky cactus wonderland.  
Bigfoot in the Desert: "I thought it was a guy in a alien monkey suit - - a bad actor in a low-budget science fiction movie."
"Honestly I thought we'd blundered into a Hollywood remake of Lost In Space, Star Trek, or The Sound Of Music when I saw the beast move across our path", confessed one shaken tourist. "But then that nasty ape-man decided to relieve himself against an innocent Joshua Tree. That poor cactus started looking very, very sick, very, very quickly. That's when I knew that hairy primate was no actor! Oh, and the horde of flies that kept following him around was another malevolent clue. Retched. I could use a Sasquatch safe space and a couple of whiskey shots right now."
Sasquatch scaring horrified hikers: "It was really, really ugly! Worse than a snake bite! Worse than Finals!"
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the highly leveraged YETI NOT SETI Institute in prissy but pristine Yuba City, California, was frustrated. 

"I'm frustrated. I modestly submitted my exulted name and script to be a super-special guest star on the new Star Trek TV show and suggested they do my awesome script. It'd make a great episode. See, I save the crew of the Enterprise from an evil, smelly, nasty Bigfoot on an alien planet that looks just like Joshua Trees National Monument or Miami Beach. I liked the Miami Beach idea best of all, as I get to sip margaritas on set and Uhura will be in a bikini. 

But those Hollywood morons turned me down! Idiots. But now here they go, stealing my idea and hiring some nobody Sasquatch with extremely rude public manners. I'll get my revenge, you'll see. We talented acting proteges know it takes time to be recognized for our supremely superior talents and abilities."

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Florida Cat 'Squatch! Clueless Kitty Crushed by Bigfoot's Foot!

Croaked Cat Crushed by Massive Sasquatch Pedibus. Cat Crushing Caught on Kat Kam!

South Florida residents are aghast at the tragic death of a sweet little kitty-cat named 'Fluffles' at the hands, er feet, of a clumsy feral Sasquatch.

"That croaked cat was completely crushed  - - as flat as a feline pancake", said a Dade County Sheriff Deputy on the scene. "At first we suspected the usual Everglades culprits. You know... wild boa constrictors as big as a barn, savage poodle eating alligators and other cuddly swamp critters, but the Kat-Kam on that pussycat settled the issue... it was a wild Bigfoot that done the dirty deed!"

Last image from the Kitty-Kam on Fluffles neck before it was Cat 'Squashed.
Crying Cat Owners in Shock - - Pussys taken off the streets!

A general alert has been announced for South Florida from Key West to Palm Beach - - take your Cats and put them inside. "We just don't know when another Bigfoot will crush a feline. Take your little irritating yappy dogs inside too... on second thought, don't bother!" announced the Monroe County Emergency Management Department.

Sasquatch victim Fluffles the cat has been Memorialized on a public Clock Tower in Touristy Tavernier, Florida.
Brucellosis Hail, a local Florida Keys denizen who commutes between the San Francisco Bay Area and Florida ("I go to South Florida during the summer, because I like Heat, Humidity, Hurricanes and Zika!"), was able to view the Kat-Kam images from Fluffles big adventure after the cat was flattened. "No doubt about it, said Brucellosis, "A Florida Sasquatch crunched that kitty... looked like a tank rolled over it!" Mr. Hail is under serious consideration for being nominated to the YETI NOT SETI Institute Bored of Directors, once his long-promised check arrives in the mail and finally clears the bank this time. 

Erk Holohead, a bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, has a South Florida observation. "I lived in Miami for a few years... I saw everything... Miami Vice disruptions, a thousand varieties of pointy Palm Trees, escaped pet parrots, Little Havana hysterias, and sullen swampy Sasquatches. The way people drove on the Dolphin Expressway was truly inspirational - - your life was in your hands. Many of those maniac drivers looked like scatter-brained Sasquatches. Miami Beach was stuffed full of them. The everglades are only a few miles to the west - - who knows how many Bigfoots are out there?  You know that demented columnist Dave Barry on the Miami Herald? He must be a bigfoot!"

In a public service, this seriously scientific crypto-zoological blog feels obliged to point out previous Sasquatch sightings in Florida. We'll remove these links if the Florida Tourist Commission pays us the ransom demand we've sent them by registered mail:

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Bigfoot Sighting in Rocky Mountains!

Sasquatch Rocky Mountain High Terror:
Foolish Fly Fisherman Frantic from Foul Feral Fragrances!

A group of clueless California fly fishing fanatics in Colorado were horrified from a close encounter of the worst kind with a wild Sasquatch. The heavy consumption of legal cannabis while fly fishing is suspected as a prime cause of yet another Bigfoot fiasco. "That nasty bad beast robbed us, man! Took our trout. I think it did. Uh, wait....". The fishing victims were questioned by forest rangers, then released, as they appeared to stupid but harmless and posed no threat to other hallucinating pot-heads in the area.

One of the stoned anglers was able to take a rare photo of the elusive nasty Bigfoot beast before passing out:
Brazen Bigfoot Spotted at Rocky Mountain Stream by fisherman.
Colorado Park Rangers have released this sketched description of the Sasquatch suspect, as described by one of the Rocky Mountain high Fly Fisherman after the Bigfoot attack:
Stoned Fly Fisherman's description of the Bigfoot.
Dr. Blinng, Director of the impressive sounding YETI Not SETI Institute in picturesque Yuba City, California, was impressed. "I'm impressed! Those pot-head fly fishermen used large amounts of cannabis sativa to tie their precious fly-fishing hooks. What idiots. Everyone knows that the wily trout won't fall for that old trick!  You gotta tie a bottle of Jack Daniels to your fishing line. That and have a shotgun ready to go. Works every time!"

Speculation that the Colorado Sasquatch is actually a get-high-and-space-out nomad marijuana loving New Mexico Bigfoot tired of the Santa Fe artsy-fartsy scene is gaining serious support among Ancient Alien documentary intelligentsia. "Think about it.", said YETI not SETI bored of director Erk Holohead, "Ancient Alien theorists speculate on just about anything as long as they get paid for it! Sort of like us bonafide Sasquatch experts, only we don't get paid squat."

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Bigfoot Sighted at Pt. Reyes State Park!

Snarling Sasquatch Steals Weenies!

A wild Bigfoot has raided a camp ground at remote and foggy PT. Reyes State Park in California, stealing hot dogs during a weenie roast and startling campers.
Sasquatch: Weenie Thief.
A terrified camper, busy packing his car and family for a rapid escape from the panic stricken state park, was an eye-witness. "Yeah, I saw the beast! It was a great day at Pt. Reyes, freezing, wet, and you could hear the surf and the sea-gulls, since the fog was like pea-soup it was hard to see the actual ocean. Wind gusts were hitting gale force levels. A typical day in paradise! So we lit up our turbo-biodiesel dual-inline stove and were happily roasting spicy super-hot jalapeno pepper weenies, when the hairy crook ran up out of the fog, grabbed all the cooking weenies he could. He even took the pickle jar, the cad. He quickly escaped back into the fog. Just like that! Thank god we weren't roasting S'mores yet, or there would have been real trouble!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, was hungry for more. "You betcha, I want some them spicy hot weenies! Where can I buy some? Food tastes better when it can bring tears of pain to your eyes. I bet that stupid bigfoot had a major case of hot & spicy induced indigestion after wolfing those weenies down. Which gives me an idea... the beast must have had a rather dramatic bowel movement after eating those nuclear flavored hot dogs... I'll pay $3,000 to anyone who can bring me supersized hot & spicy Sasquatch poop!"

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Santa Fe Sasquatch Soils Art Scene!

Santa Fe Sasquatch Sighting! Rare New Mexico Bigfoot Spotted!

Santa Fe locals, tourists, and peddlers of authentic fine southwest Hopeeee made-in-china art stuff were left in shock and amazement when a rarely seen New Mexico Sasquatch made a pathetic paseo and promenaded through the central plaza during yet another art & food festival. The sighting caused minor panic in the laid-back locals, who've seen just about everything. Tourists, however, once they realized the beast was not performing some demented form of street art, were highly bothered by obnoxious odors and noises emitting from the feral beast. The touristy mobs quickly evacuated the area to a questionable part of town known for double-margaritas and loud salsa music.
Santa Fe Sasquatch Caught on Camera! Local shops closed immediately after the sighting.
"Yeah, I was there", said a local starving artista. "Bad business! I was all set to sell-off my remaining inventory of one-of-a-kind pottery knick-knacks mass-produced in a factory in Shinzhen, er, make that Shangra-la. Then this ugly furry animal walks by and chases away all the marks, ah, my loyal customers! That Bigfoot wasn't noticed at first because it was kinda mellow and just sauntered by. But that cloud of fleas trailing it sure got the attention of everyone. The plaza was empty in minutes!"
New Mexico Sasquatch roving Santa Fe's central plaza before heading towards Atalaya Mountain.
"New Mexico Bigfoots are extremely rare, the desert is not their favorite place to hang out. We're quite unlucky to see one.", said Erk Holohed, a member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute board of directors.

Holohed was in Santa Fe for a scientifically useless but important all-you-can-drink crypto-zoology conference focused on 'South-by-SouthWest Sasquatches and Georgia O'Keefe- Real or Surreal?'. "This particular Santa Fe Sasquatch must have been attracted to quirky artiste vibes in the plaza and swirling smells of fried food. The combination must have driven the poor beast mad. We know Bigfeet have problems understanding modern art. This poor brute may have had a serious mental issue with Southwestern art. He'll recover in the mountains. If we're lucky, he'll head towards Colorado. A Sasquatch can become a friendly, furry, pot-head to the locals and fit right in."

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Sedona Scare as Arizona Sasquatch Spotted!

Bigfoot Sighting in Oak Creek Canyon - Slide Rock Evacuated!

Northern Arizona is in prehistoric panic mode as Bigfoot sightings are starting to happen as often as turquoise rock shops in this historical tourist region. A lost hiker in Oak Creek Canyon stumbled upon a Bigfoot in the creek. "The beast was scaring off the fish.", said the shocked camper, "The creature had a foul odious body odor, and the filthy body noises it made frightened birds and wild varmits - - they were running for cover. I was scared senseless!"

Ageing New Age Sedona Denizens are fleeing to local Sedona Vortex sights and walking spiral rock trails in a desperate effort to mellow out from Bigfoot badness. "Staring at their jewel encrusted navels and chanting 'OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYGOD' ain't gonna work this time", said a cranky old local resident, "The only solution for them Sedona Sasquatch infestations is to lure the buggers away with day-old fried food and point 'em towards Los Vegas. That trick worked back in '08... 1908 to you, you young whippersnapper!"
Sasquatch caught on camera! The beast spotted in Oak Creek Canyon by a shell-shocked camper.
Erk Holohead, a noted pseudo-expert on the Oak Creek Canyon region and a member of the board of directors for the YETI NOT SETI Institute in exotic Yuba City, California, was deeply concerned. "I'm deeply concerned. Oak Creek is the only river in Arizona which flows year-round, unless you count pipe leaks in Phoenix. Water quality in the creek is already threatened from all those crazed tourists at Slide Rock. Add a few rude Sasquatches doing their 'nature calls' thing in the creek, and we risk having to evacuate the entire Canyon from Flagstaff to Sedona."

Sasquatch Sighted in Coconino National Forest! Locals go Loco.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Mystery Solved: Bigfoot killed the Yosemite Sentinel Dome's Jeffrey Pine!

Famous Yosemite landmark withered by Sasquatch Pee. 

The YETI not SETI Institute unleashed a torrential stream of salty uncertainly this weekend, releasing quasi-scientific data which points to copious volumes of Bigfoot urine as the ultimate cause for the death of the famous Yosemite Sentinel Dome Jeffry Pine.
Recent Bigfoot sighting at the dead pine's resting place on Sentinel Dome.
"We have tons of pee proof", claimed Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the legally fragile YETI not SETI Institute. "I only paid $3,000 for it. This data proves only a Sasquatch could have drowned that piss-poor plant!"
Sasquatches are known to cause environmental damage from excessive urination on Earth and Mars.
Speculation exists, as confirmed on authoritative major Space Alien History cable TV shows, that Sasquatch urine was also responsible for the premature malfunction of a Mars Rover. Sasquatch sightings in Yosemite National Park are quite common. Coincidental? We think not! "It's hard to tell the difference between the Bigfoots and many tourists during the high season", said one exhausted park ranger.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Terrifying Tulip Trampler - Bungling Bigfoot Blamed

Sasquatch Sighting at Famous Tulip Grounds - Flower Show Flattened.

Floral Fans Flummoxed by Feral Felon!

A rare wild Sasquatch (as compared to the domestic variety) has stampeded into an annual Tulip Flower Show, crushing rare tulipa darwinhybrid 'Spryng Break' award winning prized tulips by the hundreds. "That darn Bigfoot has caused thousands of dollars in damage!", said one eye-witness. In the ensuing mayhem, at least 10 flower club ladies rioted and hurled their summer hats and garden tools at the drooling beast in an effort to divert him towards rival tulip growers. Four of the ladies were briefly detained for unruly behavior by police.
Bigfoot trampling through the tulips.
Organizers of the Tulip Flower Show remained silent, though one person with ties to the local flower club suspected the Sasquatch was deliberately set loose upon the tulips once members of the club realized they were not going to win Gold or Silver this year. "Sabotage, I'll tell you!", said the eyewitness.

Was Tiny Tim a Sasquatch?
When Tiny Tim's monster hit "Tiptoe through the Tulips" came out in 1968, people were dumbfounded, more than usual. But no one ever asked how this song came to be? Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the fiscally needy YETI not SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, is convinced that Tiny Tim was a Sasquatch. "This recent tulip attack confirms it!", said Blinng, "That beast didn't tiptoe so much as trample through the tulips! Tiny Tim was a Bigfoot!"