Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sasquatch Sabotage: YETI Terrorizes Tour de California Race!

- - Wild Hominid Sabatoge Suspected!

Riders saw a flash of white, a horrible stench, then a massive crash.
A YETI was caught in the act at the 2010 Tour de California, aping (ape-maning?) the boorish fan behavior of running, then stumbling, with the Peloton. Typical fans drink huge amounts of ale, bring smoke bombs and paint their faces red and white. Wait! Those are English Football Fans! Sorry, Cycle Tour fans wave national flags in rider's faces, throw water bottles at them and ask for autographs, forcing riders to take evasive action or crash. This rare yelping Yeti tried to run with the Tour de California Peloton, and total chaos ensued. 

The crypto-beast suddenly appeared during Stage Four of the Tour, leaping out of roadside bushes in the wilderness on Mines Road south of Livermore. "What a mess. The Peloton was focused and working together for once - - a breakaway group had dared to surge ahead into the hills. The Peloton was united in revenge.... intent on inflicting mob justice, the maximum group-punishment and humiliation on the renegades up ahead." said one eye-witness. "When out of nowhere that Yeti thing ran out on the road. The entire Peloton hit the brakes and became a huge pile of bikes and riders!". Livermore police, already embarrassed and sensitive to repeated and unsolved Sasquatch Sightings in the area over the past year, quickly chased the Yeti back into the hills and forced everyone to take BlueBook government surplus memory-erasing drugs.

Sasquatch running with the Peleton.
Rumors that famous Texan* and international professional tour rider Lannz Armchair was mentally affected by the Yeti sighting keep popping up. "Yeah, sure, I saw Lannz fall" said an eye-witness. "Yeah, like, yeah, he kept look'n over his shoulder, you know? Like he was afraid of somethin', yeah. I think the Yeti monster got inside his head, you know? Yeah, that's it!". Tour participants whisper that the Yeti was actually the controversial tour rider Stroid Flambes dressed in a rented Gorilla costume modified to look like a wild Yeti. "Stroid and his team weren't invited to the Tour this year", said one insider, "I think he tried to sabotage the race."

Christian Crudhommie, director of the upcoming Tour de France, said "Contrairement à ces Américains barbares, nous autres Français sont prêts à écraser toute Tour de France Bigfoot, Sasquatch et des attentats Yeti. Le sauvage Sasquatch est une bête puante et effrayant, mais nous qui sommes Français sont prêts. Notre Tour de France Ligne Maginot contre ces hommes-singes est bien fortifiée! Aucune hormone de scandales BigFoot cette année!"

Dr. Blinng was all over this. "The Yeti Not Seti Institute is prepared to pay BIG BUCKS for DNA collected from the Livermore peloton tour disaster. We will pay $3,000 for Yeti DNA, and $4,534 for any Lannz Armchair DNA taken from his bicycle seat!"

*All Texans, by definition, are famous.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sasquatch is a Panama Party Animal...

Too Bad this BigFoot binger can't Tell Time!

Early morning sighting of Panama Bigfoot.
A stranded tourist from Patagonia caught this amazing photo of a Bigfoot loitering in a nightclub district in Panama City, Panamá. 

"The beast looked like he was ready to party... But it was only 10 en la mañana, everything was shut down. It almost looked like this hairy animal was bar-hopping, but all the bars were closed."

"Either the creature was practicing nothing or he was muy estúpido! The Sasquatch can't tell time, for sure. I bet it can't dance reggaetón either."

"Divertido, ¿no? Y esta criatura apestosa parece ser tan inteligente como un coco."

Seconds later, the Panama Party Bigfoot ran away towards Avenida Central, chased by a feral pack of ferocious miniature toy poodles. Panama police are alert and on the case, "This incident requires many, many, many, mucho, mucho visits to the local nightclubs for further investigation", said the city crypto-animal control officer, "mucho!".

BigFoot Shocks Sacramento - - Lobbyists Terrified!

Elusive Sasquatch Invades Quasi-Official Sacramento Office Building!

Terrified lobbyist shocked at Sasquatch Sighting!
Horrified visitor to a California quasi-governmental lobbyist organization encounters a "repulsive" Bigfoot in the main lobby. "I has horrified! I was repulsive! ah... It was repulsive! So I'm in the elevator going up to the lobby, right? And I'm thinking, wow, the building smells like burning tires and really smelly socks... they must have finally cleaned the place up. But then the elevator door opens and I'm looking at a disgusting, goofy, flea-infested, bad-hair creature! Ok, my dog fits that description too, but he's not 7 feet tall. I'm going to need some serious aroma-therapy after this!"
Renegade Sasquatch surrenders to security camera.
Rare Ape-Man Caught on Security Camera: Sasquatch Sauvage roaming the halls of a quasi-governmental lobbyist organization just minutes from the California State Capitol. "Good thing we turned the camera on last night", said the head of security. "We're deep into a serious investigation.... catching a rogue employee suspected of taking all the popular coffee creamers from the break room."

"Technical difficulties slowed us down, but once IT told us to turn the power on and take the lens-cap off, it was 'lights-camera-action'. I'm calling that Blinng lunatic, we'll shake him down for a couple of grand for this photo, and maybe some free donuts! We are desperate for those little flavored coffee creamer cups, especially the anthrax-vanilla-curry ones?"

Sacramento police are searching the city for the hairy intruder. "We're tired of this BigFoot running around our fair city and scaring our good citizens. The animal no longer has a natural fear of lobbyists - - what happens if he loses his instinctual fear of legislators? We have to stop him NOW." said the city investigator for paleo-hominids, space monsters and evil-genius gerbils.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Yeti Monster Spotted on Sacramento River!

YETI in America?!

In a bizarre sighting which is puzzling Yeti and BigFoot quasi-experts all over the world, even at Rice University, an incredible photo has been acquired by Dr. Blinng, showing that the Himalayan Yeti is in the USA and roaming the primaeval forests of North America.

The clueless fishing guide who snapped the strange photo overcame shock & awe to take the picture. "I took some well-heeled foreign clients on a deep sea tuna fishing expedition into the upper reaches of the Sacramento River, near Redding.", he mumbled, "I kind of took a wrong turn, but it was worth it, since those business guys paid cash up front. When I spotted that Yeti-man on the far bank of the river it was bonus time! The Ape-man looked like he was trying to scare a big rock. He kept yelling "Boooo!" at it. Maybe he was practicing scaring people or gerbils? Or he's just really, really stupid?"

Blinng was his usual chuffed, self-congratulatory self, "My brilliance is proven yet again. I paid that brave tuna fisherman $3,000 U.S. for that photo! No Euros this time! This picture proves my revolutionary theory that Bigfoots and Yeti's are not only similarly rude and disgusting hominids, but in fact may even be the same species, just like my Mother-in-Law! Just joking? ...honest, heh heh. Maybe NOW I'll finally be invited onto the Discovery Channel or Monster Quest, the fools!"