Sunday, October 25, 2009

Jar Jar Bynx Found Dead in Panama

Star Warz Actor Murdered by Panama BigFoot?
"Bynx Had Too Many Enemies to Know Who Did It" say Panama Police.

Panamanian officials announced today the "Mystery Creature" found dead near the town of Cerro Azul close to Panama City was in fact the infamous sci-fi movie actor Jar Jar Bynx,  known for his Oscar wrecking performances in the later Star Warz movies.

Former Star Warz science fiction actor Jar Jar Bynx, found dead in Panama.
"Connecting recent BigFoot sightings in Panama with Jar Jar Bynx's death is just happy speculation." said the Inspector for Alien and Strange Creature Homicide Investigations, Ruebben Raffael Rodolffo Ramirezz, Jr. "That smelly Sasquatch has caused plenty of chaos in Panama lately, but the hairy beast hasn't hurt anyone yet, unless you count small furry animals and pigeons. I doubt this Sasquatch has a vendetta against movie actors, even really bad ones like Señor Bynx."

Georj Mukas, Jar Jar Bynx's Agent, released a statement to the press. "Jar Jar was in Central America preparing for our next big film. It was a blockbuster SciFi action documentary with Mr. Bynx in his next big starring role, leading a heroic quest searching for Yetis in Icy Antarctic Glaciers in tropical Panama. It had such potential! He will be missed??" There are unconfirmed reports of spontaneous "I hate Bynx" anti-fan-club street parties sprouting like wild-fire across the globe. Riot police are responding in force.

Panama has been hit with a string of incredible sightings and attacks by BigFoot creatures recently. "This Jar Jar Bynx affair confirms something puzzling, pernicious and perplexing is going on in Panama!", according to Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, "I am saddened, Jar Jar Bynx (sniff) was the best actor who ever lived. Excuse me (sniff) but this is a very emotional moment for me." (blows nose)

Jar Jar Bynx lead a troubled existence since his 'acting' appearances in the Star Warz films. He reportedly ran into financial problems after years of leading a lavish lifestyle on the French Riviera. Jar Jar sold his cherished Malibu Beach mansion to fellow actor Chewtobakka in an attempt to pay off his growing debts, and was rumored to have checked himself into the Betty Ford Institute for Undeserving Hollywood Losers in 2008.

See Jar Jar Bynx's last movie: Star Wars: Bye Bye Jar Jar
Bonus Critics Review of Jar Jar the Actor: "The Bunker" TV Show

Sunday, October 18, 2009

British BigFoot Strikes Again!

Manchester "Man-Ape" Evades Heavy Police Dragnet at Piccadilly Station... Sasquatch Prefers First Class.

BigFoot spotted again in central Manchester, sparks frantic ape-man-hunt by police.

Erk Holohed, a passenger on the Manchester 17:30 Virggin Train to London, took this amazing photo of BigFoot hiding out in the first class car, eluding animal control officers and train station security.

"There I was, reading the Financial Tymes - - it may be pink but it's not red! Get it? Not 'red'? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A little capitalism joke there. Right. So I put the FT down to grab my usual double bloody-mary from the table and promptly receive the shock o' me life! That hairy ape-man was sittin' right across from me! The odour radiating from that beast was quite beyond description, really. Enough to make one swear off tomato juice forever. The hairy man seemed anxious, and kept glancing out the window at all the security types running around - - like he was a fugitive on the run. I figured he was a Chelsea football fan, or another Yank billionaire looking to buy a Premier club. When the train pulled out of the station I looked up but the creature was long gone, only the stench remained."

Virggin Trains could not be reached for comment, but released a short statement that the first class carriage involved "is being systematically decontaminated, cleaned, sterilized, fumigated, irradiated, re-upholstered and incinerated, and will return to normal service in a fortnight after health inspector approvals."

Manchester BigFoot Takes Revenge Upon Local Pigeons!

Just hours before the Piccadilly Station police alert, a local shopper took this incredible photo of the Manchester man-ape roaming Piccadilly Gardens. "He wuz just hangin' around the square when he spotted them pigeons - - he suddenly turned quite nasty and mean - - deliberately scarin' them poor pigeons and makin' faces at them. Now our poor Piccadilly pigeons are quite edgy and traumatized. I think that bigfoot beast has a grudge against Manchester pigeons! Like he was takin' revenge on 'em for some reason. Them pigeons and that sasquatch creature really don't get along, to be honest."