Saturday, September 11, 2010

BigFoot Mauls Mini-Golf Pro Tourney!

"It Came from the Fourth Hole!" - - - Stupified Golf Pros Gape as Sasquatch Disrupts Professional Golf Tournament.

The 2010 PIGMI Tour (Professional Imbeciles Golf Mini International) Lake Tahoe Fall Classic Celebrity Golf Tournament was left in shambles this week when a marauding Sasquatch invaded the course during intense 2nd round play.

"It was horrible", said 3rd rate celebrity mini-golfer Erk Holohed, "there I was at the 3rd hole, free beer in hand, two under par, ready to tee-off against some tricky plastic greens with a very dangerous undulating castle-moat water hazard, then this huge monkey-man runs up and tries to putt at the 4th hole! He totally botched it, leaving a huge divet in the fake orange grass and blowing a golf-ball sized hole through the Leaning Tower of Pisa on the 6th hole. He shouldn't have used that 9 iron. He had a nasty slice, dude needs golf lessons. That nasty beastie really rattled my nerves, I missed the greens completely and hit some looney Bigfoot hunter named Blinng in the back of the head".

PIGMI tournament officials estimate the sorry Sasquatch caused over $143,000 in damages during his mini-golf inspired rampage. "He wrecked the putting greens. He wrecked famous putt-putt landmark hazards. He caused 14 of our 40 celebrity players to pass out from nasty fumes he emits, AND he left a monumental toxic golf course hazard of his own... it totally blocked the 8th hole. I guess Bigfoots don't understand professional mini-golf courses aren't open latrines like a forest. We had to use hazardous waste guys to remove the huge stinking pile and sterilize the area.... grizzly bears have nothing on this animal!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, was injured during the Bigfoot attack. "Look, I just went to this silly tournament because they said I was a famous 3rd rate celebrity and they'd pay for everything... including all-you-can-eat pizza and fu-fu drinks. So heck yeah I'll go. So I'm about ready to tee-off on the 5th hole and some moron from the 3rd hole yells "Damnit! Fore! Run for your Lives!" and the next thing I know I get whacked hard on my head by a golf ball. Then someone screamed "OMG it's a Bigfoot!" and I pass out. When I woke up (with no help from the tournament officials, thank you very much) I get told a white furry Sasquatch had just rampaged through the game and all the evidence had been destroyed! What idiots! I came so close to seeing an actual Bigfoot this time, and from what the waste disposal guys told me there was 55 pounds of rare and precious Sasquatch droppings picked up and incinerated.... what a tragedy, I could have had my Bigfoot DNA samples for free, and not pay yet another $3,000!"

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bigfoot Spotted at Lake Tahoe!

'Bigfoot Bubba' Targeting Tahoe Casinos...
Touristic Terrors as Offensive Beast Raids Garbage Cans!

Decline Village, Nevada - Local police are on 'high alert' this Labor Day weekend in an attempt to catch a notorious Bigfoot nicknamed "Bubba". The animal has been raiding local Casino and Hotel garbage cans for gourmet junk food and lottery tickets. Casino employees have volunteered in the ape-hunt, armed with slot machine tokens and 2-fer-1 drinks coupons.

Bubba the Bigfoot, nicknamed "Bubba the Bigfoot", on account of his name is Bubba and he is a Bigfoot, duuuhhh, has been seen raiding casino dumpsters and garbage cans for months, leaving an unspeakable mess in his wake.

This Bigfoot has been a quest for Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in prestigious Yuba City, California. "This Sasquatch is dangerous - - it has lost its natural fear of garbage cans. Anything can happen. The sooner they can capture that squalid ape and give him to me, gratis of course, I can show him off, get on TV, write a book, and retire filthy rich! What are they waiting for?", he stated, at yet another hastily called press conference at a local fast-food joint.
Pseudo-scientists across the world speculate that the harsh winter in the Sierra Nevada has driven the Sasquatch down into Lake Tahoe to feed off tourist and casino garbage. "Normally Bigfeets eat wild gerbils, organic weeds, and Cheessy-Whizz®, but this last winter reduced their normal natural food supply... junk food is the only other foodstuff they know how to hunt", said a forest ranger. 

Bubba the Bigfoot has broken into at least 50 dumpsters this year, causing extensive damage and leaving behind huge odiferous Sasquatch sized 'calling cards' in his wake... reportly triggering a massive algae bloom along the Nevada shore of the lake.