Sunday, July 25, 2010

Yeti Sasquatch Scare in Shasta Back Country!

Castle Crags State Park closed to public... 
Massive Abominable Snowman hunt for Bigfoot Beast!

The State of California shut down Castle Crags State Park today after unsuspecting backpackers became of the victim of a brazen Sasquatch Yeti raid. 
The Yeti Attack victims were traumatized: "After a long day hiking the trail, we were about to cook a freezed-dried feast for dinner, including crunchy desiccated  Italian meatballs with aridized gelatinous spinach, one of our favorites! Then this white-furred ape-man creature appears and makes loud 'oooh wooo hooo' noises, runs down the hill, grabs our dinner bag and takes off towards the Pacific Crest Trail." said one victim, "Man was I upset, that ape creature stole our scientifically designed meal! We had to go back to Dunsmuir that night, forcing ourselves to eat flame-broiled filet mignon drenched in hollandaise sauce. Substantial Wente red wine was required to calm our nerves. It was a terrible disappointment. That Bigfoot is a culinary thief!" 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in semi-remarkable Yuba City, California, was queasey. "Serves those dumb backpackers right, trying to eat food God never meant to have freeze dried! I just hope that demented Sasquatch doesn't suffer serious digestion issues.", Blinng stated, "During those weeks of being experimented upon with freeze-dried 'food' during my Alien UFO abduction experience, only strawberry ice cream came close to the real thing. You know why the Apollo Moon Project was cancelled? The astronauts hated freeze-dried food so much they went on strike! Space-Food sticks... they make you sick! Bleh!" 

"All this talk of food is making me hungry... you bring any Vienna Sausages?"

Sunday, July 18, 2010

BigFoot Causes Panic in Tropical Paradise!

Isla Taboga Terrified as Rogue Sasquatch Sighted - -  "It came from the sea!"

Erk Holohead, a panicked Taboga tourist, caught this amazing photo of a wild Bigfoot emerging from the Pacific Ocean during high-tide. "I was sitting on a beach veranda with 99.9% of my brain cells shut down (normally I have only 99.8% on extended leave), enjoying the ocean breeze... the beautiful view... a case of Panama Beer... but then I spotted a trail of bubbles belching up from the ocean surface and heading towards shore, then suddenly thousands of crazy fish leaped straight into the air trying to escape something very nasty under the waves. I thought it was a killer shark or North Korean submarine, but then this ugly, rancid monkey beast emerged from the surf, wiping seaweed, clam shells and old Panama Beer bottle caps off its fur! The ape-man scaled the beach wall, jumped over some sleeping dogs and ran away. Luckily my Panama beer supplies helped cushion the shock. I'm going to have to stay here another month to recover from this."

A longtime Taboga island resident was shocked to see this "Sea Sasquatch" strolling Restinga Beach during low tide. "It was just another pacífico y tranquilo day on the island. I was at the beach looking for Pizzaro's buried Inca treasure and North Korean submarine defectors, then this bestia simios walks right past me... it was torture, the fragrancia horrible of this filthy beast almost killed me!"

This amazing Bigfoot sighting has resulted in a huge spike in extended hotel bookings from Sasquatch Anthropologists across the world in Taboga Island and Panama City. Local Taboga shop owners say the invasion of Bigfoot hunters is bad for business. "These scientists are cheap spenders and throw goofy 'missing-link' parties.", said the town mayor.

"At last I can pretend to do field work on a nice tropical island with room service, chilled adult beverages, and veg-out using my federal grant bailout money under the cover of academic research. I'm gonna 'work' here for months, it'll be a great vacation!" said Briian Lerkey, Ph.D. an expert in Pseudo-Sasquatchology from Rice University in Texas. "Ah, you won't print that, right?".

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

YETI Attack at Crater Lake!

Wild Yeti Spoils Tourist View of Oregon's Crater Lake - - Eyewitness Report!

Sasquatch throwing snowballs at terrorized Crater Lake tourists.
A tour bus stuffed with Fraternal Order of the Royal Gerbil Lodge members from Reno, Nevada was attacked by a "wild and vicious" Yeti over the Fourth of July weekend when they stopped at Oregon's Crater Lake en route to a nearby Progressive Slot Machine Indian Casino. "Yeah, our tour leader said we should get some fresh air before hitting the card tables... I needed a smoke break any-who. He said we'd be impressed by that Crater Lake place, it's a big round hole in the ground filled with water. Well, for once he sure turned out right that time! That Yeti-beast looked worse than any abominable snowman picture I ever saw.... and his teeth... I had no idea teeth could be that shade of yellow." said one shaken Gerbil Lodge member. According to several victims, the manic YETI screeched and threw snowballs at the group ("He's a right hander, 105 mph I think") and wouldn't leave until a quick thinking lodge member threw him a bigfoot ale and a bag of cheezz puffs.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti not Seti Institute in Yuba City, California, was licking his chops. "Once again there is a sighting of a YETI in North America... just as my inspired and unique theory, the theory I thought of and for which only I can take credit for, predicted! I'll pay $3,000 for each YETI snowball those brave Gerbil Lodge members can bring me. There must be Yeti DNA in there somewhere. And don't try any more sneaky "melted yeti snowballs" this time... I won't be fooled a second time!"

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Panama Jungle Bigfoot Spotted in Darién Gap!

Sasquatch Experts Buzzing - - Photo Reveals Jungle Bigfoot in Natural Habitat.

The Instituto Smythsonian de Investigaciones Ridículo Tropicales (STRRI) in Panama has released a stunning photo clearly showing an ape-like creature resembling Gigantopithecus Revoltus deep inside the Darién Province near the Colombian border.

"We caught the beast on camera using a slow-motion detector currently being used for a detailed study of the social habits of the rare Speckled Slimey Plantain Slug, Mocos Disgustus. Like I said, the camera is verrry sloooow motion,  the scientists involved were getting bored to tears. This Monkey-man sighting is a heck of a lot more exciting! Strange, but the slugs seemed to suffer greatly in their olfactory glands during the Sasquatch appearance, gaseous emissions from the animal may have been a factor.", said Jose Raman Boris Acibeeno, research director for the Institute.

The Darién Gap is a mysterious, remote, unknown, wild and vast region of mountains, swampland, rainforest and lost remote controls separating Panama from Colombia. Perfecto for a family vacation! "Finding a Bigfoot in this forbidding region is not surprising. We suspect there could be ferocious gerbils, dangerous dinosaurs, ancient alien artifacts, and savage exiled hedge-fund managers lurking in there. There was an alleged Sasquatch sighting in Darien in 1920, by a direct ancestor of that loco quack Dr. Blinng... intelligence does not seem to run too deep in that particular family tree, sabes?"