Castle Crags State Park closed to public...
Massive Abominable Snowman hunt for Bigfoot Beast!
The State of California shut down Castle Crags State Park today after unsuspecting backpackers became of the victim of a brazen Sasquatch Yeti raid.
The Yeti Attack victims were traumatized: "After a long day hiking the trail, we were about to cook a freezed-dried feast for dinner, including crunchy desiccated Italian meatballs with aridized gelatinous spinach, one of our favorites! Then this white-furred ape-man creature appears and makes loud 'oooh wooo hooo' noises, runs down the hill, grabs our dinner bag and takes off towards the Pacific Crest Trail." said one victim, "Man was I upset, that ape creature stole our scientifically designed meal! We had to go back to Dunsmuir that night, forcing ourselves to eat flame-broiled filet mignon drenched in hollandaise sauce. Substantial Wente red wine was required to calm our nerves. It was a terrible disappointment. That Bigfoot is a culinary thief!"
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in semi-remarkable Yuba City, California, was queasey. "Serves those dumb backpackers right, trying to eat food God never meant to have freeze dried! I just hope that demented Sasquatch doesn't suffer serious digestion issues.", Blinng stated, "During those weeks of being experimented upon with freeze-dried 'food' during my Alien UFO abduction experience, only strawberry ice cream came close to the real thing. You know why the Apollo Moon Project was cancelled? The astronauts hated freeze-dried food so much they went on strike! Space-Food sticks... they make you sick! Bleh!"
"All this talk of food is making me hungry... you bring any Vienna Sausages?"
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Isla Taboga Terrified as Rogue Sasquatch Sighted - - "It came from the sea!"
This amazing Bigfoot sighting has resulted in a huge spike in extended hotel bookings from Sasquatch Anthropologists across the world in Taboga Island and Panama City. Local Taboga shop owners say the invasion of Bigfoot hunters is bad for business. "These scientists are cheap spenders and throw goofy 'missing-link' parties.", said the town mayor.
"At last I can pretend to do field work on a nice tropical island with room service, chilled adult beverages, and veg-out using my federal grant bailout money under the cover of academic research. I'm gonna 'work' here for months, it'll be a great vacation!" said Briian Lerkey, Ph.D. an expert in Pseudo-Sasquatchology from Rice University in Texas. "Ah, you won't print that, right?".
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wild Yeti Spoils Tourist View of Oregon's Crater Lake - - Eyewitness Report!
|Sasquatch throwing snowballs at terrorized Crater Lake tourists.|
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti not Seti Institute in Yuba City, California, was licking his chops. "Once again there is a sighting of a YETI in North America... just as my inspired and unique theory, the theory I thought of and for which only I can take credit for, predicted! I'll pay $3,000 for each YETI snowball those brave Gerbil Lodge members can bring me. There must be Yeti DNA in there somewhere. And don't try any more sneaky "melted yeti snowballs" this time... I won't be fooled a second time!"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Sasquatch Experts Buzzing - - Photo Reveals Jungle Bigfoot in Natural Habitat.
The Instituto Smythsonian de Investigaciones Ridículo Tropicales (STRRI) in Panama has released a stunning photo clearly showing an ape-like creature resembling Gigantopithecus Revoltus deep inside the Darién Province near the Colombian border.
"We caught the beast on camera using a slow-motion detector currently being used for a detailed study of the social habits of the rare Speckled Slimey Plantain Slug, Mocos Disgustus. Like I said, the camera is verrry sloooow motion, the scientists involved were getting bored to tears. This Monkey-man sighting is a heck of a lot more exciting! Strange, but the slugs seemed to suffer greatly in their olfactory glands during the Sasquatch appearance, gaseous emissions from the animal may have been a factor.", said Jose Raman Boris Acibeeno, research director for the Institute.
The Darién Gap is a mysterious, remote, unknown, wild and vast region of mountains, swampland, rainforest and lost remote controls separating Panama from Colombia. Perfecto for a family vacation! "Finding a Bigfoot in this forbidding region is not surprising. We suspect there could be ferocious gerbils, dangerous dinosaurs, ancient alien artifacts, and savage exiled hedge-fund managers lurking in there. There was an alleged Sasquatch sighting in Darien in 1920, by a direct ancestor of that loco quack Dr. Blinng... intelligence does not seem to run too deep in that particular family tree, sabes?"