Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sasquatch Sabatoge at Shakespeare Festival!

"Lunatic Yeti" Barges into Oregon Shakespeare Festival - - Causes Comedy of Errors!

A lost wild Yeti infiltrated the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, wondering the streets of Ashland and amazing local residents. "Hey, I thought he was a Shakespeare tourist.... we get some weird ones here. That ape beast just sauntered down the street like he owned the town!", said one old-timer, enjoying cold Bigfoot Ales. "Believe me, I've seen it all, but never in my wildest midsummer night's dreams did I think a Yeti would steal my beer! An amazing beast.... too bad about its body odor - - that stench could melt a Sherman tank at 30 yards."

The beast caused a chaotic mess when it was mistaken for an avant-garde actor playing an inebriated Sir Toby Belch in the "Twelfth Night". Accidently stumbling on stage during the play, the beast improvised, fooling the audience until chased away by security and enraged theater critics. The New York Times said the performance by the Yeti was "Revolutionary, stunning, furry and dramatic - - a gamey 'back-to-nature' breakthrough in novel Shakespeare interpretations. Even the fleas looked realistic!". Festival organizers are searching for the beast to give him a contract for 2011. "Oh well, all's well that ends well." said one duped actor. The audience gave the Yeti a standing ovation, then were immediately directed to a hastily built delousing tent.

Was Shakespeare a BigFoot?

Breaking Sasquatch News: A rare 1607 painting of William Shakespeare, discovered last year at a garage sale in Somerset, England, has sparked furious debate amongst Shakespearean academicians across the world. Was the Bard a Bigfoot? Rumors are flying that the painting will be put to auction by Sotheby's this fall in London.

"I'll buy that Shakespeare Sasquatch picture for $3,000!"  said Dr. Karl Blinng, "It will look great next to my velvet 'Dogs Playing Poker' poster."

Director of the YET NOT SETI Institute in scenic Yuba City, Calfornia, Blinng was philosophical in a pre-k sort of way. "This is soooo much ado about nothing!" fumed Blinng, "If anyone had asked ME about that Oregon incident, I'd have told them this was no surprise. Yetis are white haired Sasquatch, and it is a known fact that Sasquatches love cultures, especially in yogurt. Measure for measure, these beasts appreciate art in their missing-link sort of way. What they REALLY crave are Bigfoot Ale, Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies, Animal Planet TV, and all kinds of junk food." BigFoot Sightings continues to bring you the LATEST in incredible Sasquatch and Yeti alerts and news, as you like it!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sasquatch World Cup Disaster - - FRANCE SURRENDERS to FRANCE!

BigFoot Hormone Abuse PRIME SUSPECT in France World Cup CATASTROPHE.

Déjà vu! "It was 1940, 1871 and 1812 all over again."

French National Team Football Players and Coaches under scrutiny... "Sasquatch Juice made us Slow and Stupid."

French football experts are dumbfounded by the self-destructive collapse of the national World Cup team this week. "Sacré bleu, theese imbéciles have disgraced le honneur of France! Their minds, they turned into zeee mush, non? I am certain zzat zzey were all taking zzat Bigfoot hormone dangereux. We nationalize the team, ban le café time and make retirement mandatory age 32! We will be quite harsh regarding zeees affair saasquatch." said Madame Sports Minister Roswyne Bashalot. Rumors of a guillotine being prepared in Paris were denied.

Many World Cup players at 2010 South Africa are suspected of taking illegal BigFoot hormones, but entire teams and coaching staff taking the nasty stuff was not suspected until France's novel display of malaise du football.

In an exclusive interview, FIIFA President Siqq Bladder, age 997, said "It is regrettable that a World Cup team has allegedly used illegal Sasquatch hormones in a misguided effort to boost success on the pitch. These wild Bigfoot hormones are quite dangerous with horrible side-effects. Players and coaches become slow, sluggish, thuggish, lazy, unimaginative during play, and collectively dumb as a rock. Body odors are badly affected. Fleas become a problem. It is not only the French team... we are investigating the Italian team, we suspect they have been using this Bigfoot junk for years!"

"We are aware of irritating noises made concerning our Referees, who stole two good goals from the USA, kept Ireland out of the Cup, and did major damage to other football teams during group play. People say our Refs are using Bigfoot hormones also. They are wrong! Ha ha ha! How naive. FIIFA is an imperial power far beyond mere nations... these Referees are merely following my orders. Our secret conspiracy is to make sure Brazil and Germany are in the final, and the others are OUT! Ooops, I never said that.... guards, arrest these peasants and hold them until 2014!"

Saturday, June 19, 2010

BigFoot Hormone Scandal Rocks World Cup!

World Cup Breaking News:
2010 World Cup Players using BIGFOOT HORMONES? 
FIFA Not Talking as Rumors Sweep South Africa!
"That Sasquatch junk is all over the place, lot's of players are using the stuff and no one is talking!"

Once again Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings has scooped the world on the real Bigfoot poop regarding a major news story. Reliable sources (anonymous letters with cash) claim that banned usage of hormones from Bigfoots is rampant in this year's 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

"Oh yeah, these guys are saying stuff like 'Right lads, I won't shave me beard until I've scored a goal', but they're just covering up their illegal usage of Bigfoot hormones.... it's a bit obvious right? FIFA justs keeps looking the other way. Anyway, that stuff doesn't work." said one recently retired goalie from England.

World Cup players, coaches and newscasters suspected of Bigfoot hormone usage include:

"This scandal could be bigger than the Tour de France or Major League Baseball... any players, coaches, and Vuvuzela salesmen who haven't shaved for three days could be using the stuff!", said a recovering Vuvuzela user.

Erk Holohed, a secretive international second-hand Vuvuzela smuggler, talked to this blog while visiting South Africa to visit 'my stash of cash and my secret Vuvuzela stockpile'. As a self-proclaimed pseudo-expert on international football, Holohed was critical about the usage of illegal Bigfoot bodily fluids. "Look, only one or two of the suspected teams using the Sasquatch hormones are having any success. The other teams are struggling. Sasquatch doping is dumbing down the play and the players - - and BigFoot head lice could become a real problem. Look at the number of goals scored so far.... down! FIFA needs to clean the World Cup up - - only allow the players to drink good ale and smoke cuban cigars while cheered on by Brazilian football fans before each game - - then you'd get tons of goals!"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"Blago" BigFoot Returns!

Hairy Beast Mauls Michigan Avenue  in Chicago
- - Blagojivich celebrity idiot appearance gone wrong?

Bigfoot Sighted in Chicago.
Chicago is in turmoil, uh, more turmoil than normal, as citizens recover from the shock of seeing a prehistoric Sasquatch roam down Michigan Avenue. Debate is raging, is the creature real or Rod Blagojivich in a monkey suit? "I saw the Sasquatch", said a local resident, "It looks kinda like Blago, I mean the ape-man's hair was impressively coiffed and massive just like the ex-governor's, and except for all those lice and fleas jumping off his back, he looks just like Blago".

Chicago police are not talking. "Hey, we're not talking -- OK with youse morons?" Rumors are rampant that last year's offer to pay off the smelly Sasquatch with a Senate seat didn't work and the obnoxious beast has returned for another pay-off.

Briian Leerky, famous Rice University Sasquatch hunter, said "I bet you a six-pack of Lone Star Beer that the animal that rampaged through Chicago was a real Bigfoot! That Blago character may be a celebrity idiot, but Sasquatches are just plain idiots... they have the IQ of a tree stump. Blago has the IQ of a log... there is a difference!".