Sasquatch Raids Chicago, Illinois Governor Offers Senate Seat as Bribe for BigFoot to Leave. Developing....
Chicago BigFoot looking for trouble Bigfoot brazenly caught jay-walking near the Miracle Mile in Chicago. Chicago's Finest have promised to take less coffee breaks and restore calm to the citizens of Chicago after a series of wild Bigfoot adventures near Michigan Avenue and the John Hancock Building. "We've been told to write more parking tickets, that fixes everything", said one local cop.
The Bigfoot raid caused chaos Chicago-style along the Miracle Mile. "I was trying to hail a local taxi on Michigan Avenue in the local tradition, just like the guidebook says, by making rude hand gestures and waving my arms", said one visitor, "I finally got a taxi to stop when this big hairy monkey-man jumps right front of me and waved back at me like he was the Queen of England! The taxi driver said he's seen 'em all but he looked very surprised."
BigFoot causing panic at the John Hancock Building. 47 building office workers resigned their positions after seeing Sasquatch outside and have moved to Des Moines to become Gerbil Farmers.
BigFoot had severe digestive problems according to witnesses. A local resident, hospitalized for sour methane inhalation, said "We call Chicago the Windy City, but when it comes to making wind, Chicago has nothin' on that hairball. Someone needs to give that poor beast a bottle of Beano!"
Erk Holohead, a bored director of the esteemed not windy Yuba City Yeti not Seti Institute, was unseemingly gleeful. Rubbing his hands together, Erk cackled "We knew Sasquatch has pathetic personal hygiene, but we never guessed the species was a big green-house gas emittor too. Eureka! I bet there's a Federal Grant or two I can snatch to fund our new BigFoot Climate Change Research Anomoly Project, BFCCRAP. This Fed gig won't need DNA samples, it's easy money. I need the cash! First my nightly martini budget was slashed, then I had to pay-off the IRS to make those pesky tax-dodging charges go away. Pseudo-science is not cheap!"
1 comment:
See! See! Other Governors play the same game... I'm not the only one who offers Illinois Senate Seats for the right price! So, pretty please, can I have my old job back? I liked the taxpayer subsidized limo and especially the Lake Michigan helicopter rides; my hair looked way more cool than normal when we landed.
Sincerely;
R. Blagojevich
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