Sunday, September 25, 2011

Bigfoot Raids Sacred Japanese Temple!

Sorry Sasquatch sighting at famous Buddhist Temple - - Attracted by Giant Sandals? 
Surprised Buddhist Monk Accidently Breaks 53 year Vow of Silence!
The famous, ancient Japanese Kamakura Temple was subjected to kinetic chaos and bad karma for a few incredible hours when a renegade Bigfoot waltzed through the formerly serene temple grounds.
Brazen Bigfoot caught on camera by semi-shocked American tourist at Kamakura Temple.
An eyewitness claimed the apeman was flabbergasted by the huge sandals on display at the temple - - "I think that Monkeyman-san couldn't believe someone else had bigger feet than he did. And that disgusting odor he emitted, aromatic nirvana he was not! 私の神、その猿のものの匂いをした!"
Damage to ancient temple buildings is being assessed by disaster engineers and graffiti experts, "We are hoping the beast only caused minor damage, but a deep fumigation of the entire complex is totally required now".
Shocked Temple visitors wait outside while police search buildings for Bigfoot, in vain.
An elderly Monk, observing a 53 year long Vow of Silence, accidentally broke his vow when bumping face-to-face into the huge, snarling, smelly beast. Temple authorities are quiet about what the Monk actually said, but eyewitnesses said it was the Japanese equivalent of "Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!" *. 
Under these circumstances, Temple management are considering giving the shocked Monk a pass, based upon the considerable mental shock he received. "Ah-so desukagoing nose-to-nose with a hairy stinky Sasquatch without warning is not like meditation in a Zen Rock Garden! Our beloved Brother Monk is in rehabilitation, and we are optimistic he will recover soon." 
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the famous YETI not SETI Institute in bustling Yuba City, California, has also vowed to take an Oath of Silence. "Yeah, I had a stupid gag-order slapped on me about a certain rubberized bigfoot incident back in 2008 and a allegedly fraudulent $3,000 payout. That judge has no sense of humor.... I can't talk about that case... No Comment!"

*Unauthorized translation into Japanese: "よく、オクラに唐辛子を入れていないことなら!"

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Mr. Bill Bashed by Bigfoots!

Hollywood Celebrity Mr. Bill Mugged by Wild Band of Sasquatch - - Tinsel Town Glitteri Aghast!
Mr. Bill, the famous retired TV celebrity and comedian, was attacked and robbed yesterday by a rare gang of outlaw Bigfoots roaming wild near Vail, Colorado. The Bigfoot attack was captured live by a security camera at the posh In~Excess Spa & Mountain Resort, where Mr. Bill has been a guest. 
Bigfoot Attack on Hollywood Celebrity Mr. Bill! Mr. Bill beat-up and mugged by criminal Sasquatches in Vail.
"I was chilling, walking down a lovely nature trail next to the Spa, getting ready for my private organic Bali Exotique® dung facial and greenhouse gas detox sessions, when these very nasty Bigfoots attacked me. They were not nice. They were meanOhhhhhhhh Nooooooo! The apemen took my precious cheetos and whiskey flask.... I had nothing left to keep me alive in that nasty wilderness. Luckily a very nice resort person drove by in a trendy Prius golf cart and rescued me. Can we exclude bigfoots from the trendy Hollywood Fur-Free ban?" Mr. Bill was treated for minor lacerations and released from the local Vail Hollywood Celebrity Losers Rehab Centre today. 

The mayor of Vail has urged calm. "Be Calm! Don't call your stock broker. Drink a Mimosa or something." The local Vail police have doubled patrols. Citizens have been warned to carry only tasteless, trendy organic food when going outside, as bigfoots crave junk food and will do anything to get it.  

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti Not Seti Institute in serene Yuba City, California, was irritated. "Mr. Bill is a has-been, he's living off his past. Mr. Bill hasn't been in any decent movie or TV show since the 1970's. He even tried to hit the Spanish speaking market with a disaster called "Señor Guillermo" in the 90's, it was a total bust... his drug and alcohol addictions really messed him up. So this loser is spending $600 a night at a swank resort in the Rocky Mountains living the high life, when I could use that money acquiring precious Bigfoot bodily fluid DNA! Pseudo-science is not respected in this country! My genius is not appreciated! Not that I'm bitter or anything...."

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