Friday, December 31, 2010

Hearst Castle Havoc as Bigfoot Beast Invades San Simeon!

San Simeon becomes "San Simian" as Big Sur Bigfoot goes on Hearst Castle rampage!
Tourists and real estate brokers panicked as a renegade Sasquatch romped through the palatial grounds and buildings of the Hearst Castle complex in San Simeon, California. "The foul beast came down from the hills", said a recovering tourist, "That apeman looked like a very hairy barbarian, with an odor I'll never forget!".   
A mysterious Big Sur Bigfoot, caught on camera by a terrified tourist, saunters past the Neptune Pool. Alert museum staff dumped 10 tons of chlorine into the pool after the savage Sasquatch encounter. A surprised park ranger said "that Bigfoot seemed to enjoy the castle grounds... he admired the view and ate shrubbery for a snack... he seemed to like rosebuds and junipers the best."
The Big Foot grazed not only on the expensive landscaping, it invaded Hearst Castle buildings to plunder junk food. Security cameras caught the Sasquatch in brazen attempts to pick-pocket candy bars and slim jims from unsuspecting tourists. "You'd think these dumb tourists would figure out Bigfoots are notorious and obvious thieves - - seeing one in the building should have put them on guard!", said the head of security. 

The bungling Big Sur Sasquatch missed the most valuable rooms in the castle. "Good thing he did!", said a museum curator, "Could you image the catastrophic damage that animal would have caused in the Gothic Study, given that this species has a total lack of familiarity or respect for indoor plumbing!? Remember what happened at the Guggenheim in Bilbao! One shudders to even consider the possible destruction we avoided!".

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the pseudo-prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in cosmopolitan Yuba City, California, was opportunistic as usual. "This incident at Hearst Castle calls for serious research from Netflixx. I'm going to rent "Citizen Kane" for $3,000, and search for potential clues. Something about rosebuds..... got any double butter popcorn with you? It's my favorite!"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Paris Panics as BigFoot Trashes Train Station!

J'accuse! Smelly Sasquatch Sabotoges Paris Nord Train Station - - Transit Workers Rejoice! Belgium Blamed.
A seriously suspicous Sasquatch disrupted the afternoon commute for thousands of Paris train and metro riders today. French police are searching for the ape-beast, warning it may strike again. Commuters said the foul, malaromatic monster arrived in Paris on a Thalys express train from Brussels... "Oui, le sale homme singe sauvage, it leap-ed le train like a person crazee, it grab-bed nasty goûters de porc frit from un food shop and ran to the street! His odeur horrible caused 20... no, 40... no, 1,000 people to faint-ed! Of this, I see with my own eyes!"
French Bigfoot disrupts Paris Trains.
The French public transit worker's union, protesting against the French government's plans to raise the retirement age to 24 and a half years, used the BigFoot incident at Paris Nord station as an excuse to go on a snap strike... again. "To the barricades! Why not?", said a transit union representative, "Having to work until 24 and 1/2 is an outrage.... having to endure disgusting working conditions to our sanitary health from this Belgium monqueee Bigfoot is unacceptable. We strike today! You know for us, demonstrations and strikes are sort of like a national sport, Oui? But first, we have lunch, Non?"

Au revoir, Sasquatch!
The Paris Nord train station was left in chaos and mayhem. Having severely disrupted train and metro service to Paris, the mysterious Belgian Bigfoot ran down Boulevard Diderot heading towards the Bastille, chased by Parisian Gendarmes and an enraged mob of angry commuters armed with pitchforks and torches. "Off with its head!", shouted the crowd. "ahhhh... after delousing?" said one observer.

Brussels denies the Bigfoot which attacked Paris is from Belgium, claiming it is in fact Dutch. "J'accuse!" said the French Foreign Ministry's senior janitor, who answered our midnight investigatory phone call. "Theeees is a threat growing to European Union harmony. Do not lie, you dastardly Belgians! Look what this nasty ape monster did to the Netherlands! You must take responsibility and pay damages! Not in Euros please.... Yen is much better."