Sunday, June 26, 2016

Mystery Solved: Bigfoot killed the Yosemite Sentinel Dome's Jeffrey Pine!

Famous Yosemite landmark withered by Sasquatch Pee. 

The YETI not SETI Institute unleashed a torrential stream of salty uncertainly this weekend, releasing quasi-scientific data which points to copious volumes of Bigfoot urine as the ultimate cause for the death of the famous Yosemite Sentinel Dome Jeffry Pine.
Recent Bigfoot sighting at the dead pine's resting place on Sentinel Dome.
"We have tons of pee proof", claimed Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the legally fragile YETI not SETI Institute. "I only paid $3,000 for it. This data proves only a Sasquatch could have drowned that piss-poor plant!"
Sasquatches are known to cause environmental damage from excessive urination on Earth and Mars.
Speculation exists, as confirmed on authoritative major Space Alien History cable TV shows, that Sasquatch urine was also responsible for the premature malfunction of a Mars Rover. Sasquatch sightings in Yosemite National Park are quite common. Coincidental? We think not! "It's hard to tell the difference between the Bigfoots and many tourists during the high season", said one exhausted park ranger.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Terrifying Tulip Trampler - Bungling Bigfoot Blamed

Sasquatch Sighting at Famous Tulip Grounds - Flower Show Flattened.

Floral Fans Flummoxed by Feral Felon!

A rare wild Sasquatch (as compared to the domestic variety) has stampeded into an annual Tulip Flower Show, crushing rare tulipa darwinhybrid 'Spryng Break' award winning prized tulips by the hundreds. "That darn Bigfoot has caused thousands of dollars in damage!", said one eye-witness. In the ensuing mayhem, at least 10 flower club ladies rioted and hurled their summer hats and garden tools at the drooling beast in an effort to divert him towards rival tulip growers. Four of the ladies were briefly detained for unruly behavior by police.
Bigfoot trampling through the tulips.
Organizers of the Tulip Flower Show remained silent, though one person with ties to the local flower club suspected the Sasquatch was deliberately set loose upon the tulips once members of the club realized they were not going to win Gold or Silver this year. "Sabotage, I'll tell you!", said the eyewitness.

Was Tiny Tim a Sasquatch?
When Tiny Tim's monster hit "Tiptoe through the Tulips" came out in 1968, people were dumbfounded, more than usual. But no one ever asked how this song came to be? Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the fiscally needy YETI not SETI Institute in mysterious Yuba City, California, is convinced that Tiny Tim was a Sasquatch. "This recent tulip attack confirms it!", said Blinng, "That beast didn't tiptoe so much as trample through the tulips! Tiny Tim was a Bigfoot!"