Sunday, December 13, 2009

BigFoot Blizzard of '09 Haunts Houston!

Breaking News:
Rare Sasquatch Snowstorm in Houston Brings out Bothersome BigFoots!

"They Came Out of the Raging Blizzard Like Crazy Ice Men, err... Ape Men"... Exclusive Photos!

Snow wasn't the only bizarre natural disaster to hit Houston - Sasquatches made dramatic appearances in the area, alarming local residents, birds and small furry mammals.

An amazed Richmond Texas resident took this amazingly rare photo of a Sasquatch stomping along the Brazos River after the extremely amazingly rare blizzard. "Even with the cold air, the beast stank to high heaven!".

Houston BigFoot scrounging for frozen food snack
 A lost deer hunter, cut-off after the blizzard, spotted this BigFoot intensely digging for food in the frozen wasteland after the snowstorm. "The creature was really focused, scrounging for frosty Gerbils - - they don't move so fast when half-frozen. Frosty Gerbils are a Sasquatch snack popsicle."

Houston Sasquatch makes yellow snowcones
 Another amazing photo of a BigFoot near Sugar Land looking for yellow snow to make Sasquatch snow cones.
"I gather this species isn't too bright?" said the eyewitness.

These new multiple Sasquatch sightings sparked another round of debate about BigFoots in Texas. A Rice University expert on Texan Sasquatch populations , Briian Leerky Ph.D., is convinced they are real. "BigFoot is not Bogus in Texas... and hey, I keep my tenure if these sightings keep happening, you know? This is a good gig!"

Friday, November 27, 2009

Smelly Top Secret Sasquatch Security Snafu!

Breaking News: "Blithering" BigFoot Spotted at Top Secret National Laboratory - - Sparks Sasquatch Security Search!

Just days after publicity-seekers crashed a White House Dinner, an "unwashed" Bigfoot has barged into a high security national R&D complex in Livermore, California. A local Livermoron claims the furry creature never saw the "really top-super-secret ultra-classified need-to-know, if-I-tell-you-I-have-to-kill-you stuff... like the flying saucer technologies, the time-travel building or the Roswell Aliens stacked like cork wood and stored in a deep-freeze.... hey.... I never talked... you got it?!"
Serious Sasquatch Security Breakdown at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory.

Lost Wente Winery tourists poking around the Laboratory's Top Secret Visitors Center (open 10 to 4, free admission) came face-to-face with the hairy apeman; "I was shocked, that ferocious fur-ball needs major dental work.", said eyewitness Patrizia Halversump, "When that crude creature spotted a photo of Governor Aunold Schwarzenegger touring the LLNL National Ignition Center, he went nuts. The BigFoot jumped up and down yelling 'Coooo-an! Coooo-an!' You could see nasty fleas jumping off his fur, what a perfectly disgusting animal!"

The Fresno BigFoot Investigations (FBI) agency has figured out the monkey-man's motives... "This Sasquatch was not a spy, nyet, ahhh, I mean nooooooo... that BigFoot was looking for Conan the Barbarian".

"OK, yeah sure, we lost time solving this mystery. We thought the Apeman was saying "Cohen the Barbarian", an honest mistake, OK? Dr. Blinng at the Yeti not Seti Institute cracked the case after we paid him 34 dollars and 28 cents cash up-front... a stiff price, but it was worth it."

Livermore Police are stumped, "Why does this stupid Sasquatch keep coming back here? What did we ever do to that mangy primate?"

Looking for Arnold? LLNL Sasquatch Sighting.
"Looking for Aunold."

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Jar Jar Bynx Found Dead in Panama

Star Warz Actor Murdered by Panama BigFoot?
"Bynx Had Too Many Enemies to Know Who Did It" say Panama Police.

Panamanian officials announced today the "Mystery Creature" found dead near the town of Cerro Azul close to Panama City was in fact the infamous sci-fi movie actor Jar Jar Bynx,  known for his Oscar wrecking performances in the later Star Warz movies.

Former Star Warz science fiction actor Jar Jar Bynx, found dead in Panama.
"Connecting recent BigFoot sightings in Panama with Jar Jar Bynx's death is just happy speculation." said the Inspector for Alien and Strange Creature Homicide Investigations, Ruebben Raffael Rodolffo Ramirezz, Jr. "That smelly Sasquatch has caused plenty of chaos in Panama lately, but the hairy beast hasn't hurt anyone yet, unless you count small furry animals and pigeons. I doubt this Sasquatch has a vendetta against movie actors, even really bad ones like Señor Bynx."

Georj Mukas, Jar Jar Bynx's Agent, released a statement to the press. "Jar Jar was in Central America preparing for our next big film. It was a blockbuster SciFi action documentary with Mr. Bynx in his next big starring role, leading a heroic quest searching for Yetis in Icy Antarctic Glaciers in tropical Panama. It had such potential! He will be missed??" There are unconfirmed reports of spontaneous "I hate Bynx" anti-fan-club street parties sprouting like wild-fire across the globe. Riot police are responding in force.

Panama has been hit with a string of incredible sightings and attacks by BigFoot creatures recently. "This Jar Jar Bynx affair confirms something puzzling, pernicious and perplexing is going on in Panama!", according to Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, "I am saddened, Jar Jar Bynx (sniff) was the best actor who ever lived. Excuse me (sniff) but this is a very emotional moment for me." (blows nose)

Jar Jar Bynx lead a troubled existence since his 'acting' appearances in the Star Warz films. He reportedly ran into financial problems after years of leading a lavish lifestyle on the French Riviera. Jar Jar sold his cherished Malibu Beach mansion to fellow actor Chewtobakka in an attempt to pay off his growing debts, and was rumored to have checked himself into the Betty Ford Institute for Undeserving Hollywood Losers in 2008.

See Jar Jar Bynx's last movie: Star Wars: Bye Bye Jar Jar
Bonus Critics Review of Jar Jar the Actor: "The Bunker" TV Show

Sunday, October 18, 2009

British BigFoot Strikes Again!

Manchester "Man-Ape" Evades Heavy Police Dragnet at Piccadilly Station... Sasquatch Prefers First Class.

BigFoot spotted again in central Manchester, sparks frantic ape-man-hunt by police.

Erk Holohed, a passenger on the Manchester 17:30 Virggin Train to London, took this amazing photo of BigFoot hiding out in the first class car, eluding animal control officers and train station security.

"There I was, reading the Financial Tymes - - it may be pink but it's not red! Get it? Not 'red'? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A little capitalism joke there. Right. So I put the FT down to grab my usual double bloody-mary from the table and promptly receive the shock o' me life! That hairy ape-man was sittin' right across from me! The odour radiating from that beast was quite beyond description, really. Enough to make one swear off tomato juice forever. The hairy man seemed anxious, and kept glancing out the window at all the security types running around - - like he was a fugitive on the run. I figured he was a Chelsea football fan, or another Yank billionaire looking to buy a Premier club. When the train pulled out of the station I looked up but the creature was long gone, only the stench remained."

Virggin Trains could not be reached for comment, but released a short statement that the first class carriage involved "is being systematically decontaminated, cleaned, sterilized, fumigated, irradiated, re-upholstered and incinerated, and will return to normal service in a fortnight after health inspector approvals."

Manchester BigFoot Takes Revenge Upon Local Pigeons!

Just hours before the Piccadilly Station police alert, a local shopper took this incredible photo of the Manchester man-ape roaming Piccadilly Gardens. "He wuz just hangin' around the square when he spotted them pigeons - - he suddenly turned quite nasty and mean - - deliberately scarin' them poor pigeons and makin' faces at them. Now our poor Piccadilly pigeons are quite edgy and traumatized. I think that bigfoot beast has a grudge against Manchester pigeons! Like he was takin' revenge on 'em for some reason. Them pigeons and that sasquatch creature really don't get along, to be honest."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sasquatch Scene at Panama Park!

BigFoot sighting at Avenida Balboa Park Complex in Panama City - - Business District and Residents Evacuated!

Authorities confirmed that the same "sorry" Sasquatch that raided the still-recovering Panamanian luxury resort Buenaventura has badly damaged a public park along Avenida Balboa, triggering an evacuation of several hotels and banks, and forcing Panama Yacht Club members to quickly put out to sea in a chaotic scene 'straight out of Dunkirk".

Bigfoot ignoring sanitation rules in Panama City.
Perplexed Panamanian Sasquatch Ponders Probable Park Potty Options:
According to a surprised jogger who took this amazing photo, the Ape-man decided that since Bigfoots weren't drawn on the sign it was OK... it wasn't.

"Perhaps that hairy beast went to enjoy the ocean view", said a local lawyer, "pero he really messed things up. Qué desastre! But I am strangely happy in a legalistic sort of way. I expect client lawsuits from this BigFoot crisis, mucho dinero hay posible! I'm going after that hairy beast's offshore bank accounts... even his secret Swiss Sasquatch Stash. Estoy muy seguro de que podemos extrar mucho dinero de este fiasco Sasquatch, es un buen negocios!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

Blinng Drops Bombshell at Press Conference!

Giant Lizard Spotted in California Wine Country!
YETI Not SETI Institute Director Announces Discovery.... BigFoot Link Suspected.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the almost famous YETI Not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, made a stunning announcement today during a hastily arranged press conference at the Yuba City Holaday Innn, claiming proof that a giant lizard is roaming the northern California coastal range. Blinng displayed a photo received by email "from a trusted and reliable source, proving the existence of a Japanese Monster Lizard living in Sasquatch Territory". The three journalists who attended were dumbfounded with awe... "That lunatic actually thinks this stuff is real!" whispered a junior reporter.

The incredible photograph was taken by an eyewitness, Krass Ffffelps, a well-known jug wine vinologist. According to Mr. Ffffelps, the helicopter pilot barely escaped becoming Lizard Lunch. When questioned about possible doctoring of the photograph, Dr. Blinng fiercely responded, "Any fool can see this is authentic. I only paid that Krass guy $3,000 for this precious photograph... what a dupe he is, what a steal! This discovery is one of the crowning achievements of my illustrious career! Oh yes, they laughed at me in University, but who is laughing now, eh? The fools!"

Sunday, September 13, 2009

British BigFoot Bothers Manchester!

Manchester Man-Ape Mystery: UK Sasquatch Spotted and on the Loose in England! Mancunians Gobsmacked by Hairy Intruder in Central Manchester...

Manchester Man-Ape Madness:
Incredible photo taken by a amazed local - - Note the absolutely blank and astonished looks from Pigeons sitting on Queen Victoria's monument as the BigFoot cruises past near Picadilly Station.

The English Sasquatch crashed minutes later into Albert Square in front of the Manchester Town Hall, nearly disrupting a large outdoor ceremony. According to witnesses, the creature looked "rather bothered", stumbling through the public square ducking his head and anxiously looking up over his shoulder. "The Man-Ape was harrassed by really, really, really irate dive-bombing pigeons who seemed to be attacking him from the direction of Picadilly", a nearby shopper said, "These was not your normally stupid, fat, pudgy and complacent Pigeons, these was your enraged Pigeons... they was daft Pigeons, they was!".

A University of Manchester expert on British Mythical Men-Apes urged caution, "I ask the public to remain calm, this could be a frightful case of mistaken identity - - clearly, from the photos I've seen, this filthy, unkept beast could actually be a lost Chelsea football fan".

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Sasquatch Pandemonium in Panama!

Perplexing Sightings of Hairy Beast Puts Panama in Panic!

Panama President Proclaims Possible Paleolithic Police Probe Probable....

Roaming far away from its normal unnatural habitat, a "tranquilo but very odorous" BigFoot was sighted strolling through the luxurious Buenaventura Resort, startling resort guests and causing many to flee to the local Spa until order was restored and fresh beach towels and chilled drinks were served.

"I saw him on the beach", said one employee, " the beast had la playa all to himself, especially downwind, the stench, it was horrible... the BigFoot was poking around the sand with a stick, looking for crabs, lost car keys and jewelry like a old man treasure hunting". One novela celebrity resort guest, recovering from mild shock, said "Oye, it was Mala-ventura time when that ape man showed up, but it's mucho mejor now, I have a piña colada and it came with a classy bamboo umbrella!"

Incredible photo taken by a resort guest, catching Bigfoot in full profile as he wandered the Buenaventura resort complex looking for Cerveza Panamá. Property values in the resort area plummeted 87% for a week after the animal's appearence, but appear to be slowly recovering. With Panama City only 80 miles away, government authorities are worried the "Panama BigFoot" may strike there next. "We are prepared", said one offical, "we have stockpiled fumigation sprays and air fresheners, we are ready for him!".

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bilbao BigFoot Binges on Modern Art at Guggenheim Museum

Sasquatch Cultural Experience at Guggenheim Ends Badly as Beast Mistakes Modern Art Masterpiece for Indoor Plumbing.
Sasquatch destroys priceless modern art building, leaves mayhem and wreckage in his path.
Tourists at the Bilbao Guggenheim caught this rare photograph of the Basque BigFoot wandering aimlessly from the museum with a stupefied,  blank and perplexed look on his face, having viewed hundreds of modern art works on display while being chased by security guards. "He spend some time looking at a Fire Alarm Button, thinking it was 20th Century pop art", said one witness.

No damage was done to the priceless art on display, except for a world famous sculpture entitled "Stuff My Kid Glued Together" by the acclaimed Tokyo avant-garde artist Ichi Misocrazi... BigFoot apparently thought the masterpiece was the Men's Room and used it in a valient attempt to conform to civilized norms regarding such matters. Art experts think the sculpture can be restored after delicate treatment with a fire-hose at full blast and treatment with acids and heavy detergents. Sasquatch was last seen running south towards Madrid, speculation runs wild that the Ape-Man is going to visit El Prado next.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

BigFoot Boogie at Florida Beach Resort!

Sasquatch Squatter at Beach Resort causes Sensation! Florida in a Floozy!
National Dance Competition Judges give out Special BigFoot Awards.

Surprised guests at a Waterpark Beach Resort in Fort Walton Beach were completely stunned when they found a sleepy and serene Sasquatch gazing out at the Gulf of Mexico from their balcony. "The beast left by the balcony as soon as he saw us, he was very shy. It didn't trash the place, but we had to fumigate the condo to get rid of all the fleas he left behind!"

Sasquatch showed up at Fort Walton beach later that day, dumbfounding beach-goers and causing resort guests to flee to nearby bars and ice cream parlors. A roving gang of Jazz and Tap Dancers, attending a nearby national dance competition, spotted the hairy beast and proceeded to choreograph a last-minute, skillful escape by using synchronized Pirouettes, Leaps and Turns to evade the smelly odors wafting down-wind from the creature. The troupe was awarded a "Platinum" for their newly created escape routine by dance competition judges. The Bigfoot was given a "High Gold" for best performance by an Aromatic Mythical or Extinct Missing-Link Creature, but received the lowest possible scoring, "Low Silver", for worrisome personal hygiene habits.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bilbao BigFoot Attacked by Giant Martian Spider!

Basque BigFoot Escapes Alien Martian Spider - -

Actual photo of a Spanish Sasquatch running for his life, chased by an evil metallic Martian Transformer Invasion Spider equipped with heat-ray and green smoke options ($24.95 + Tax). Nearby tourists thought it was performance art. A quick-thinking Basque citizen sprayed insecticide at the Mars Menace, freezing the chrome extra-terrestrial in its tracks. Grateful, the shaken Basque BigFoot enthusiastically gave his saviour a big hug, cracking three of the man's ribs by accident. In hospital, the man was philosophical; "I am glad I killed the alien martian spider and saved that hairy man's life, but cracking my ribs was not so good, anyway the ape-beast smelled like a sewer plant ready to explode. Hey, how come they don't serve good basque wine in this place?!"

Breaking Amazing Bigfoot News: Bigfoot found on Mars!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sasquatch in Spain!

BigFoot in Bilbao?!
Transatlantic Spanish Sasquatch Sighting Stuns Seasoned Oregano Experts!

"Proof that Basque BigFoots Exist", Claims Local Professor. DEVELOPING...

Spanish Bigfoot in Bilbao creates shock and awe.
Surprise at Spanish Sasquatch - - Actually a Basque Bigfoot?

"Smelly Sasquatch" stops traffic at Plaza de Don Federico Moyua in Central Bilbao, Spain.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

BigFoot Spotted at Stanford Memorial Church!

Stanford Sasquatch Disrupts Freshman Orientation Tour!

Shocked Students Say Stanford too Silly to Attend. Choose UC Santa Cruz Instead. Developing...

Amazed eye-witness caught this live action photo of Sasquatch Streaking Stanford.

Friday, July 10, 2009

BigFoot Crazes Chicago!

Sasquatch Raids Chicago, Illinois Governor Offers Senate Seat as Bribe for BigFoot to Leave. Developing....

Chicago BigFoot looking for trouble Bigfoot brazenly caught jay-walking near the Miracle Mile in Chicago.

 Chicago's Finest have promised to take less coffee breaks and restore calm to the citizens of Chicago after a series of wild BigFoot advenutes near Michigan Avenue and the John Hancock Building. "We've been told to write more parking tickets, that fixes everything", said one local cop.

The Bigfoot raid caused chaos Chicago-style along the Miracle Mile. "I was trying to hail a local taxi on Michigan Avenue in the local tradition, just like the guidebook says, by making rude hand gestures and waving my arms", said one visitor, "I finally got a taxi to stop when this big hairy monkey-man jumps right front of me and waved back at me like he was the Queen of England! The taxi driver said he's seen 'em all but he looked very surprised."

BigFoot causing panic at the John Hancock Building. 47 building office workers resigned their positions after seeing Sasquatch outside and have moved to Des Moines to become Gerbil Farmers.
BigFoot had severe digestive problems according to witnesses. A local resident, hospitalized for sour methane inhalation, said "We call Chicago the Windy City, but when it comes to making wind, Chicago has nothin' on that hairball. Someone needs to give that poor beast a bottle of Beano!"

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the Yeti not Seti Institute, was unseemingly gleeful. Rubbing his hands together, Dr. Bling cackled "We knew Sasquatch has pathetic personal hygiene, but we never guessed the species was a big green-house gas emittor too. Eureka! I bet there's a Federal Grant or two I can snatch to fund our new BigFoot Climate Change Research Anomoly Project, BFCCRAP. This Fed gig won't need DNA samples, it's easy money. I need the cash! First my nightly martini budget was slashed, then I had to pay-off the IRS to make those pesky tax-dodging charges go away. Pseudo-science is not cheap!"

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Smart Scholastic Sasquatch Scares Stanford Statues!

BigFoot Barges into Stanford University! Famous Anthropologist Flips and Changes Career! DEVELOPING....
Sasquatch is caught on film at Stanford University by a shocked visiting Rhodes Scholar.

"The creature had a simply horrible aroma, and was deliberately scaring the Stanford University Burghers of Calais Statues", he said. "The hairy beast jumped up and down and yelled 'Boo!', frightening the statues so much they covered their eyes in panic" said the visiting professor, who after the BigFoot incident has decided to leave Stanford and become a janitor at the YETI not SETI Institute.

In a related incident, a senior Anthropologist at Stanford resigned his position today and became a used car salesman. "Finding fossilized hobbits in Indonesia was bad enough, but having a real Gigantopithecus badly in need of a bath roaming Stanford University is the last straw... it's getting wierd now. Selling used cars is a more honest trade!"

Only BigFoot News and Sasquatch Sightings brings you these incredible exclusive photos of BigFoot in action!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Ballmer BigFoot Raids Googleplex?

Bigfoot invades Googleplex.

Sasquatch Search Results At Google Headquarters... Creature Makes Strange "Bing" Noises!

A big hairy BigFoot "who looked liked he need to go through a car wash twice" ran through the Googleplex HQ Campus in Mountain View last week, causing surprised Googlers to reach for their nearest search algorithms for answers.

Sasquatch searches for Google snacks.
The Sasquatch intruder sprinted through the heart of GooglePlex Plaza and past the corporate hot-tub and herb gardens, causing chaos. Google employees who spotted him nearly choked on their catered tofu-tea infused organic salads, furiously Google-searching their Android phones for a "strange hairy beast, looks like Steve Ballmer"... results were inconclusive. Rumors persist, however, that the MicroSoft executive was spying on Google for clues to help make his new BING search engine rule the world and replace "Google" as the new verb for search.

A Google employee who saw Sasquatch bump into a Google personal trainer and a Google yoga guru by accident said "I can't believe the creature was Steve Ballmer, that Bigfoot had a full head of hair and he didn't throw one single chair! That was a boring BigFoot."

A MicroSoft spokesman denied that the mysterious BigFoot visit had anything to do with their company. "Just because a crazy ape man runs into Google HQ yelling "BING" over and over doesn't make him a MicroSoft agent.... besides, if he was ours, he'd require an "Intel Inside" label, which he clearly does not have based on the photos we've seen.... the whole idea is absurd. Are we that desperate? BING! BING!"

On a related Silicon Valley Sasquatch mystery, Steve Jobs is still not answering growing questions about his alleged BigFoot Liver. Experts are watching to see if he grows a beard again.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Steve Jobs has a BigFoot Liver!

Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs Packing Sasquatch Liver!
Hairy BigFoot Beast sans Liver with Surgical Scar Roaming Apple HQ -- Looking for Steve Jobs?

Apple Security Video Catching BigFoot Intruder, showing scar from recent surgery. Sasquatch searched Apple HQ but "didn't know how to get past the lobby". The Caffe Macs Cafe, in the background, is full of Apple employees drinking Mac Lattes, oblivious to the Ape Man's liverless presence.

Liver and Onions Conspiracy thinkers say Steve Jobs got a replacement Liver from Bigfoot. Clues are piling up: "Jobs has a Sasquatch Donor Liver". The wild Sasquatch raid on the Apple Computer Cupertino HQ this Spring raised eyebrows, especially hairy Scottish ones: "Aye, this raises seeerious questions about the source 'a Steve Jobs' liiiveer", according to a world expert in Loch-Ness Monster Liverology, Dolaidh McDermmit.

Sasquatch Searching for Steve Jobs: Does BigFoot want his liver back? Just wants to say hello to his liver? Buy an IPhone at the HQ Apple store?

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Research Institute in Yuba City, was strangely over-excited about the connection between BigFoot organs and Steve Jobs. "Steve, if you are listening, PLEASE, I want to take just a very small part of your new hairy Liver and get it tested for Sasquatch DNA. You can keep the rest. I'll pay you $3,000 and I'll buy a used IPOD Touch once I get these cursed IRS financial audit agents off my back!"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Serene Sasquatch Caught Doing Tai Chi

BigFoot performs Tai Chi at VA Hospital!

Just hours after a BigFoot wine raid, astounded eye witnesses saw a "Serene Sasquatch" performing Tai Chi at the Livermore VA Hospital in the Livermore Valley foothills.

"He was doing pretty darn good with the 'Constipated Crane' position", said one hospital doctor, but his 'Gasping Fish' needs a lot of work." Bigfoot, distracted when pecked in the ankles by local wild turkeys, ran off into the heavily wooded hills surrounding the hospital. Empty Wente wine bottles were found nearby. Livermore Police, still investigating the Wente Raid, said Tai Chi Chuan can cause injuries and should be peformed only by trained professionals, not by novice Hairy Bigfeet.

Thursday, June 11, 2009



Amazing photo: Sasquatch scrambling by the Winery Office in a frantic search for Select Vino.

Livermore Valley's Wente Brothers Winery was raided by a "thirsty, smelly, thirsty, nasty, thirsty" Bigfoot this week, disrupting the mellow ambiance and prompting two wine tasting tours to swear off alcohol forever. Mr. Erk Holohed, a semi-sober eye-witness, was shaken but not stirred by the attack. He described the hairy ordeal; "I was takin' the Wente wine tour and was looking forward to the wine tasting bit, why do you think I go on these tours, aye? First I smelled the creature, he waz like rancid onions and garlic, sauteed not fried. That mangy BigFoot was yelping and running around like crazy, like he was lookin' for somethin' special. When he spotted the wine vats the beast stopped dead in his tracks and saluted, like they was Bacchus himself!"

"Gobsmacked BigFoot Hailing Bacchus?"

After honoring the wine vats, Sasquatch ran straight into the Wente Wine Tasting Room... "There was no panic", said a Wente Brothers Sommelier on duty, "I mean, we're a winery in wine country, right? And people are drinking good wine and are like very mellow, right? So even a wild BigFoot rampaging through the place is like, no worries man!"

BigFoot grabbed "two very expensive bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve" and escaped into the foothills. "The beast had good taste" said a startled Winery official, "That Sasquatch knew what he was doing".

The wine looting done, Bigfoot runs out of Wente with his Vintage Vino Swag.

Livermore Police, used to all kinds of tourists and atomic spies, said Wente Winery officials at first suspected the Apeman was actually a well-known jug wine vinologist in clever disguise, Mr. Krass Ffffhelps of SwanSwamp Vineyards, but soon realized that Ffffhelps was spying on Concannon Wineries during the attack. "Yeah, that's right.... Concannon.... research.... yeah. You can't pin that one on me, copper!" said Mr. Ffffhelps through his legal representative.

Everyone is baffled, and have decided to research the tasting room's wine selection until someone figures it all out.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Taunting BigFoot Flabbergasts Sasquatch Seminar Attendees, Makes Rude Gestures, Smells Bad!

In an amazing coincidence, some distinguished visitors to the annual North American Sasquatch Seminar, sponsored by the Institute of YETI not SETI, witnessed an actual BigFoot Sighting in Orinda, California.

Dr. Sheissterr gapes in disbelief at the sight of Sasquatch in Orinda. Dr. Bling is oblivious.

One of the eyewitnesses, Ricard Sheissterr, Ph.D. in UFO Pyramidology, was shocked. "There I was arguing, er discussing, with Dr. Karl Bling about which nasty personal hygiene habits of Anthropoids like Bigfoot and Yeti are the most disgusting, when all of a sudden one of the hairy beasts jogged right in front of my eyes! I could have sworn he made a 'Nany Nany Boo-Boo' gesture behind Dr. Bling's back! I went to the Seminar only because it had an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet to be honest, but this Gigantopithecus incident is icing on the Kung Pao!"

Dr. Bling, unknowingly taunted behind his back by the creature, expressed disapointment. "All my illustrious career at the Institute, I have worked hard to try and get even a small glimpse of this rare, elusive and obnoxious animal... but nooooooo! Then, here a Sasquatch comes up behind me and behaves quite badly! Now it's getting personal. I will pay $3,000 for the HIDE of this BigFoot!"

The Mayor of Orinda, California released a short statement on the Sasquatch sighting, "Huh?".

Rumors of other sightings in the San Francisco Bay Area have been reported. This BigFoot Blog will Bravely investigate these reports, but first a visit to a local winery... we're thirsty!

Friday, May 8, 2009

BigFoot Flu Spotted in Mexico and Texas

Breaking News: BigFoot Flu Detected in Gerbils! 

Stunning the medical community, Dr. Bling, the semi-famous director of the Yeti not SETI institute, announced today that a new BigFoot Flu virus, B1F1, has infected "significant populations" of sneezing domesticated Mongolian Gerbils in Northern Mexico and Texas.

"This Sasquatch virus has the potential to become a serious pet threat. If existing Gerbil and Hamster influenzas mix it up with this BigFoot strain, combined with poor Sasquatch personal hygiene habits, all bets are off." Such a Gerbil-Hamster-BigFoot combined virus, G1H1-BFD, affected thousands of small furry mammals in a 1953 pandemic according to Bling. 

Exclusive photo released by Dr. Bling, clearly showing evidence of BigFoot DNA in Flu Virus Particles.

The Pet Shop Association of North America immediately denied the claim, noting that Pet Shop owners routinely "handle Gerbils while wearing surgeon masks, gloves and respirators, no need to panic, there is nothing to worry about".

"BigFoot flu?! Gerbil Influenza?! Never heard of 'em" said a spokesman for the CDC in Atlanta, "and just who the heck is this Dr. Bling quack anyway?!".

Manny Ramirez Used BigFoot Hormones?

Did Manny Ramirez Use BigFoot Hormones?
A spokesman for Los Angeles Dodger player Manny Ramirez strongly denied today that Ramirez ever took Sasquatch hormone extracts in a bid to improve his baseball performance while a Boston Red Sox player. Authorities are silent on this issue. While Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug used to mask steroid usage, no claims have been made that he used Bigfoot hormones.
"I really don't know how to answer that," said Yankees and former Red Sox player Johnny Damon. Damon, under league suspicion of actually being a BigFoot , has kept a low profile during the latest controversy.
Dr. Bling, Director of the Yeti not SETI Institute, temporarily relocated to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, stated "So what's wrong with Sasquatch Hormones, I ask you? I myself routinely take post-menopausal abyssinian mongoose hormones for digestion, and anyone will tell you I am perfectly abnormal!"

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Texas Baseball Expert Claims Yankee Player is a BigFoot!

Texas Baseball Expert Claims Yankee Player Johnny Damon is a BigFoot!

Major League Baseball in Uproar as Team Owners and Players Union Sizzle at Serious Sasquatch Concerns ...

Yankees deny charge: "This is a hoax by a sad and bitter Red Sox Fan, the only kind of Red Sox Fan there is".

Attendance of Yankee Home Games by Evolutionary Anthropologists Up 35%, defying Recession.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Mayhem in Mexico as BigFoot Bungles USA Border Relations

Sasquatch in Mexico City! "BigFoot Left A Horrible Mess !"

Mexico City health and safety officials admitted today that earlier reports of a BigFoot sighting in the city were "autentico". The under-secretary to the assistant of the vice-deputy director to the advisor for city public sanitation urged citizens "not to panic" as he was leaving the city for a "short trip" to Terra Del Fuego by car.

Bigfoot in Polanco.
The hairy Sasquatch startled witnesses by roaming the posh Polanco area of Mexico City near the El Camino Polanco Hotel. A local businessman, Rodrigo Ramon Rodrigo Rodriguez, ran right into Bigfoot, "It was late afternoon, I was walking down Mariano Escobedo Street, thinking about my imbecile business partners, when I turned the corner and came face-to-face with this really ugly, hairy, stinky Ape-Man. He was ferocius, growling and making a lot of noise. And the dogs! They were barking everywhere! The beast was fighting off a savage pack of wild snarling chihuahuas, they tried to steal the rotten sausages the Monkey-man was eating. It was an epic dumb-ape-versus-little-dog battle!"

Sasquatch roaming Mexico City.
Organizers of the World Baseball Classic in Mexico City denied that the BigFoot was a certain New York Yankees baseball player. "Don't be absurd, Johnny Damon wasn't here, he's at spring training!", said one organizer. Two Cuban baseball players 

attempted to defect during the games, but after the shock of seeing the smelly Sasquatch near their hotel they decided the free-market and lucrative MLB contracts were not worth it. "You know, they taught us in Cuban Commie Comrade School that capitalism is full of monsters, and for once they were right. We want to go home!".

City officials suspect BigFoot hid in Chapultepec Park in Mexico City, took "Sasquatch Siestas" there, and suffered from "Montezuma's Revenge", a severe gastro-intestinal condition. "How do we know he had a stomach problem? Because there was plenty of evidence, that's how we know!" said a weary park trash collector, wearing a face-mask and bio-hazard suit. "The mess was so bad we had to get a large dump truck and haul it all off as hazardous waste and incinerate everything, including the truck."

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, said "Fantastico! This is an incredible discovery of Sasquatch's amazing ability to travel outside of his species' normal pseudo-range. I will pay 3,000 pesos to anyone in Mexico City who provides Bigfoot DNA from the ample samples the creature left behind during his Mexican adventure. In fact, it is time to visit Mexico myself to further investigate this incident and conduct research. Yes, I think Puerto Vallarta will work, or perhaps Acapulco... there is a connection between Sasquatch, beach resorts, margaritas and cheap drink-umbrellas made of bamboo... I am sure BigFoot fits in somehow, I'm calling my travel agent."

And now, a public Sasquatch service for the good citizens of Mexico City:

Un anuncio público por parte del Dr. Félix Archuleta Roberto Arias, profesor de nada en particular, con el Instituto para el Estudio de Animales Mitológicos dice:

"Mira, toda esta historia de un Bigfoot es completamente falso! Es ridículo y estúpido. Creo que un gringo loco tiene un muñeco de plástico Bigfoot, tomó algunas fotos y todo el mundo en los EE.UU. se están volviendo locos! Lo que es realmente gracioso es que otros gringos piensan que esta historia es verdadera. También, creen de verdad Sasquatch es real! Este Bigfoot gringo no es nada como el Chupacabra. Tenemos mejores monstruos en Mexico!"

More Mexico Bigfoot News: 

BigFoot Mexico Mayhem - - Mexico City on Alert!

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