Saturday, June 27, 2009

Ballmer BigFoot Raids Googleplex?

Bigfoot invades Googleplex.

Sasquatch Search Results At Google Headquarters... Creature Makes Strange "Bing" Noises!

A big hairy BigFoot "who looked liked he need to go through a car wash twice" ran through the Googleplex HQ Campus in Mountain View last week, causing surprised Googlers to reach for their nearest search algorithms for answers.

Sasquatch searches for Google snacks.
The Sasquatch intruder sprinted through the heart of GooglePlex Plaza and past the corporate hot-tub and herb gardens, causing chaos. Google employees who spotted him nearly choked on their catered tofu-tea infused organic salads, furiously Google-searching their Android phones for a "strange hairy beast, looks like Steve Ballmer"... results were inconclusive. Rumors persist, however, that the MicroSoft executive was spying on Google for clues to help make his new BING search engine rule the world and replace "Google" as the new verb for search.

A Google employee who saw Sasquatch bump into a Google personal trainer and a Google yoga guru by accident said "I can't believe the creature was Steve Ballmer, that Bigfoot had a full head of hair and he didn't throw one single chair! That was a boring BigFoot."

A MicroSoft spokesman denied that the mysterious BigFoot visit had anything to do with their company. "Just because a crazy ape man runs into Google HQ yelling "BING" over and over doesn't make him a MicroSoft agent.... besides, if he was ours, he'd require an "Intel Inside" label, which he clearly does not have based on the photos we've seen.... the whole idea is absurd. Are we that desperate? BING! BING!"

On a related Silicon Valley Sasquatch mystery, Steve Jobs is still not answering growing questions about his alleged BigFoot Liver. Experts are watching to see if he grows a beard again.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Steve Jobs has a BigFoot Liver!

Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs Packing Sasquatch Liver!
Hairy BigFoot Beast sans Liver with Surgical Scar Roaming Apple HQ -- Looking for Steve Jobs?

Apple Security Video Catching BigFoot Intruder, showing scar from recent surgery. Sasquatch searched Apple HQ but "didn't know how to get past the lobby". The Caffe Macs Cafe, in the background, is full of Apple employees drinking Mac Lattes, oblivious to the Ape Man's liverless presence.

Liver and Onions Conspiracy thinkers say Steve Jobs got a replacement Liver from Bigfoot. Clues are piling up: "Jobs has a Sasquatch Donor Liver". The wild Sasquatch raid on the Apple Computer Cupertino HQ this Spring raised eyebrows, especially hairy Scottish ones: "Aye, this raises seeerious questions about the source 'a Steve Jobs' liiiveer", according to a world expert in Loch-Ness Monster Liverology, Dolaidh McDermmit.

Sasquatch Searching for Steve Jobs: Does BigFoot want his liver back? Just wants to say hello to his liver? Buy an IPhone at the HQ Apple store?

Dr. Karl Bling, Director of the YETI not SETI Research Institute in Yuba City, was strangely over-excited about the connection between BigFoot organs and Steve Jobs. "Steve, if you are listening, PLEASE, I want to take just a very small part of your new hairy Liver and get it tested for Sasquatch DNA. You can keep the rest. I'll pay you $3,000 and I'll buy a used IPOD Touch once I get these cursed IRS financial audit agents off my back!"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Serene Sasquatch Caught Doing Tai Chi

BigFoot performs Tai Chi at VA Hospital!

Just hours after a BigFoot wine raid, astounded eye witnesses saw a "Serene Sasquatch" performing Tai Chi at the Livermore VA Hospital in the Livermore Valley foothills.

"He was doing pretty darn good with the 'Constipated Crane' position", said one hospital doctor, but his 'Gasping Fish' needs a lot of work." Bigfoot, distracted when pecked in the ankles by local wild turkeys, ran off into the heavily wooded hills surrounding the hospital. Empty Wente wine bottles were found nearby. Livermore Police, still investigating the Wente Raid, said Tai Chi Chuan can cause injuries and should be peformed only by trained professionals, not by novice Hairy Bigfeet.

Thursday, June 11, 2009



Amazing photo: Sasquatch scrambling by the Winery Office in a frantic search for Select Vino.

Livermore Valley's Wente Brothers Winery was raided by a "thirsty, smelly, thirsty, nasty, thirsty" Bigfoot this week, disrupting the mellow ambiance and prompting two wine tasting tours to swear off alcohol forever. Mr. Erk Holohed, a semi-sober eye-witness, was shaken but not stirred by the attack. He described the hairy ordeal; "I was takin' the Wente wine tour and was looking forward to the wine tasting bit, why do you think I go on these tours, aye? First I smelled the creature, he waz like rancid onions and garlic, sauteed not fried. That mangy BigFoot was yelping and running around like crazy, like he was lookin' for somethin' special. When he spotted the wine vats the beast stopped dead in his tracks and saluted, like they was Bacchus himself!"

"Gobsmacked BigFoot Hailing Bacchus?"

After honoring the wine vats, Sasquatch ran straight into the Wente Wine Tasting Room... "There was no panic", said a Wente Brothers Sommelier on duty, "I mean, we're a winery in wine country, right? And people are drinking good wine and are like very mellow, right? So even a wild BigFoot rampaging through the place is like, no worries man!"

BigFoot grabbed "two very expensive bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve" and escaped into the foothills. "The beast had good taste" said a startled Winery official, "That Sasquatch knew what he was doing".

The wine looting done, Bigfoot runs out of Wente with his Vintage Vino Swag.

Livermore Police, used to all kinds of tourists and atomic spies, said Wente Winery officials at first suspected the Apeman was actually a well-known jug wine vinologist in clever disguise, Mr. Krass Ffffhelps of SwanSwamp Vineyards, but soon realized that Ffffhelps was spying on Concannon Wineries during the attack. "Yeah, that's right.... Concannon.... research.... yeah. You can't pin that one on me, copper!" said Mr. Ffffhelps through his legal representative.

Everyone is baffled, and have decided to research the tasting room's wine selection until someone figures it all out.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Taunting BigFoot Flabbergasts Sasquatch Seminar Attendees, Makes Rude Gestures, Smells Bad!

In an amazing coincidence, some distinguished visitors to the annual North American Sasquatch Seminar, sponsored by the Institute of YETI not SETI, witnessed an actual BigFoot Sighting in Orinda, California.

Dr. Sheissterr gapes in disbelief at the sight of Sasquatch in Orinda. Dr. Bling is oblivious.

One of the eyewitnesses, Ricard Sheissterr, Ph.D. in UFO Pyramidology, was shocked. "There I was arguing, er discussing, with Dr. Karl Bling about which nasty personal hygiene habits of Anthropoids like Bigfoot and Yeti are the most disgusting, when all of a sudden one of the hairy beasts jogged right in front of my eyes! I could have sworn he made a 'Nany Nany Boo-Boo' gesture behind Dr. Bling's back! I went to the Seminar only because it had an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet to be honest, but this Gigantopithecus incident is icing on the Kung Pao!"

Dr. Bling, unknowingly taunted behind his back by the creature, expressed disapointment. "All my illustrious career at the Institute, I have worked hard to try and get even a small glimpse of this rare, elusive and obnoxious animal... but nooooooo! Then, here a Sasquatch comes up behind me and behaves quite badly! Now it's getting personal. I will pay $3,000 for the HIDE of this BigFoot!"

The Mayor of Orinda, California released a short statement on the Sasquatch sighting, "Huh?".

Rumors of other sightings in the San Francisco Bay Area have been reported. This BigFoot Blog will Bravely investigate these reports, but first a visit to a local winery... we're thirsty!