Friday, November 26, 2010

Pismo Beach Raises BigFoot Stink!

Sandy Sasquatch Scares Surfers Silly - -  Pismo Beach Evacuated!
Unsuspecting Pismo Beach beachgoers were shocked by a hairy Big Sur Sasquatch romping in the waves this week. Days after the beach was reopened to the public, people are still afraid to return. 
City officials deny rumors that the beach sand is permanently damaged by the strange appearance of an aromatic Gigantopithicus Robustus Revoltus. "That glowing, crawling yellow and green slime on the beach is perfectly natural." said Pismo Beach junior superintendent for parks and wreckreation, "and those dumb rumors that small poodles and corndogs have been missing since the Sasquatch beach blitz are just that, silly rumors! By the way, has anyone seen my pet shihtzu? It's name is Princess Lea?"

"It was way bad karma, dude", said an eyewitness surfer who was at the scene, "that Bigfoot dude had gnarly body odor.... nasty vibes, man. Like, take a bath sometime, apeman?".

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in Yuba City, California, was perplexed. "I'm conflicted, and I'm perplexing.", he said. "It is very perplexable that a Bigfoot attacks Pismo Beach, why, for the clams? I'm investigating this incident more closely... OK yeah sure, the institute is short of funds right now, so I'll just hit up those Discovery Channel chumps for some more money... they're total suckers for this kind of stuff! Ah, I mean, they take my Bigfoot research very seriously and help fund my important work in this field. I'm also in the mood to eat some oysters...."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bigfoot Horror in Holland! Belgians Blamed!

Belgian Bigfoot Stomps through the Netherlands - - Dutch are Dizzy!

Dutch security forces are scrambling to catch a marauding Belgian Bigfoot 'monster' terrifying local citizens in the deep south of the Netherlands. Rumors are flying that the Belgian beast somehow took a train from Brussels to the Schipol airport station and then points south, embarrassed officials are silent.
An eyewitness, Hagabraad Alderdinnk, was incensed... "Ja, Zeker! I saw the animal getting off the train at Schipol, it caused quite a ruckus you know, and rudely stole my whopper met kaas hamburger from my plate, ran it downstairs and escaped on de local train to Eindhoven. Ah, but that nasty thief picked a wrong day - - it was 'Snow Practice Day' for the train system. Ha ha ha! With that chaos the ape man never made it to Eindhoven, I am sure. And why have a stupid 'Snow Practice Day'* during our beautiful fall weather? All the trains in the Netherlands reroute for no good reason, everyone gets confused! De train official denies 'Snow Practice Day' was 'Bigfoot Alert' day, but I am not fooled!"

Sasquatch in Sittard - - Belgian Bigfoot Bashes Sunday Brunch in Idyllic Esloo!

Despite a national Bigfoot alert during 'Snow Practice Day', authorities missed the ape man completely, which turned up later that day in the little, formerly quaint, southern Dutch village of Esloo. "He bloody well scared off the tourists." said an Esloo innkeeper, "the place was a ghost town after that smelly beast waltzed through. Wat een smerige stinkende harige beest België!".
Bigfoot wandering down a main street of once tranquil Esloo. "I was shocked!" said a local resident. "I had no idea the government was allowing hairy Belgians into the village!".

Official Bigfoot News and Sasquatch Sightings Notice: 
In the spirit of European Union cooperation and friendship, this blog does support the theory that Belgians are Bigfoots, and Belgium is harboring a renegade band of anti-social Saquatches. It is a well known fact that the Belgium border in only 100 meters from Esloo, and you could throw a dirt clod across the canal from the Netherlands and hit a Belgium farmer on the head with it. Which is great fun. If you were so inclined. Not that anyone should do that.

*Snow Practice Day: In broad daylight under clear blue skies, the Netherlands National Train system pretends there is a blizzard and that the Ice Age has returned. Management and employees relish these days, as they enjoy seeing confused riders take unplanned  and adventurous tours through the Dutch countryside, running through multiple train stations like gerbils as they try to connect from point a to point b via points c, d, r and z.