Mr. Bill, the famous retired TV celebrity and comedian, was attacked and robbed yesterday by a rare gang of outlaw Bigfoots roaming wild near Vail, Colorado. The Bigfoot attack was captured live by a security camera at the posh In~Excess Spa & Mountain Resort, where Mr. Bill has been a guest.
|Bigfoot Attack on Hollywood Celebrity Mr. Bill! Mr. Bill beat-up and mugged by criminal Sasquatches in Vail.|
The mayor of Vail has urged calm. "Be Calm! Don't call your stock broker. Drink a Mimosa or something." The local Vail police have doubled patrols. Citizens have been warned to carry only tasteless, trendy organic food when going outside, as bigfoots crave junk food and will do anything to get it.
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the Yeti Not Seti Institute in serene Yuba City, California, was irritated. "Mr. Bill is a has-been, he's living off his past. Mr. Bill hasn't been in any decent movie or TV show since the 1970's. He even tried to hit the Spanish speaking market with a disaster called "Señor Guillermo" in the 90's, it was a total bust... his drug and alcohol addictions really messed him up. So this loser is spending $600 a night at a swank resort in the Rocky Mountains living the high life, when I could use that money acquiring precious Bigfoot bodily fluid DNA! Pseudo-science is not respected in this country! My genius is not appreciated! Not that I'm bitter or anything...."
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