Saturday, April 17, 2010

Junk Food Causes BigFoot Panic at High School

Cheese Puffs Trigger Sasquatch Savagery - - Sorry Students run for lives!
Sacramento Police, already dazed from several alien flying saucer invasion  investigations, are chasing down a "junk food crazed BigFoot" which raided a local high school this week.

"Apparently two naughty students at  the high school illegally fed a wandering BigFoot a gigantic bag of glow-in-the-dark orange cheese puffs, you know, the large bag 80 ounces for 89 cents stuff... I'm getting hungry just thinking about 'em! We think the 538 color-dyes used in this fine food product caused the Sasquatch to lose his mind - - these hairy beasts are highly sensitive to tasty snack food additives", said an animal control officer, munching on a box of fluorescent grape-avocado licorice whips.
According to the sorry students, sorry because they are in school detention hall for the next 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days, the fanatical Sasquatch "Went, like, totally nuts! He ate all the cheese puffs in, like, 2 seconds, and then, like, wanted more! We, like, threw him the empty bag and he ate that too! We escaped by climbing on a school gate and texting our best friends over and over again just because we could!" The BigFoot, distracted by the smell of pork rinds, ran off in pursuit of his next junk food meal.

University of Caulyfornia acting up at  Davis (UC Davis) junk food expert Putrick Derhamineggs warned the public, "Look, we're not supposed to feed the bears or gerbils, right? We're not supposed to feed the BigFoots either! Giving a Sasquatch tasty junk food is a recipe for mayhem, chaos, plunging stock markets and, eventually, severe environmental waste material disposal problems. Don't do it! Feed the ape-men raw tofu and organic bean sprouts... it helps their digestion. Hey, does anyone have any SlimJims around here? I'm starving!"


KarlBlingPhD said...

Darn fool kids! The only proper way to catch a sasquatch is with a twinkie and Bigfoot Ale. They should know what cheese puffs would do to a bigfoot

Anonymous said...

As President of the Snackx Foods Alliance, I object to the silly tone of your BigFoot blog.

It is outrageous that you connect stupid BigFoot behaviors with eating our delicious varieties of high salt, high sugar, high fat, with colors-not-found-in-nature snacks!

I ask you, what would people be like without our convenient food products?! OK, yeah, they'd be a little skinnier and have cleaner arteries, I grant you that one. But they'd also have these incredible cravings that only jalapeno chips or bite-size cheesitz can satiate.....

Besides, a self-respecting BigFoot eating tofu is just plain wrong! Do Lions eat Kiwis, the plant I mean? Of course not!

"Slim" Jim McCatheder
Snackx Foods Alliance