Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sasquatch Sabotage: YETI Terrorizes Tour de California Race!

- - Wild Hominid Sabatoge Suspected!

Riders saw a flash of white, a horrible stench, then a massive crash.
A YETI was caught in the act at the 2010 Tour de California, aping (ape-maning?) the boorish fan behavior of running, then stumbling, with the Peloton. Typical fans drink huge amounts of ale, bring smoke bombs and paint their faces red and white. Wait! Those are English Football Fans! Sorry, Cycle Tour fans wave national flags in rider's faces, throw water bottles at them and ask for autographs, forcing riders to take evasive action or crash. This rare yelping Yeti tried to run with the Tour de California Peloton, and total chaos ensued. 

The crypto-beast suddenly appeared during Stage Four of the Tour, leaping out of roadside bushes in the wilderness on Mines Road south of Livermore. "What a mess. The Peloton was focused and working together for once - - a breakaway group had dared to surge ahead into the hills. The Peloton was united in revenge.... intent on inflicting mob justice, the maximum group-punishment and humiliation on the renegades up ahead." said one eye-witness. "When out of nowhere that Yeti thing ran out on the road. The entire Peloton hit the brakes and became a huge pile of bikes and riders!". Livermore police, already embarrassed and sensitive to repeated and unsolved Sasquatch Sightings in the area over the past year, quickly chased the Yeti back into the hills and forced everyone to take BlueBook government surplus memory-erasing drugs.

Sasquatch running with the Peleton.
Rumors that famous Texan* and international professional tour rider Lannz Armchair was mentally affected by the Yeti sighting keep popping up. "Yeah, sure, I saw Lannz fall" said an eye-witness. "Yeah, like, yeah, he kept look'n over his shoulder, you know? Like he was afraid of somethin', yeah. I think the Yeti monster got inside his head, you know? Yeah, that's it!". Tour participants whisper that the Yeti was actually the controversial tour rider Stroid Flambes dressed in a rented Gorilla costume modified to look like a wild Yeti. "Stroid and his team weren't invited to the Tour this year", said one insider, "I think he tried to sabotage the race."

Christian Crudhommie, director of the upcoming Tour de France, said "Contrairement à ces Américains barbares, nous autres Français sont prêts à écraser toute Tour de France Bigfoot, Sasquatch et des attentats Yeti. Le sauvage Sasquatch est une bête puante et effrayant, mais nous qui sommes Français sont prêts. Notre Tour de France Ligne Maginot contre ces hommes-singes est bien fortifiée! Aucune hormone de scandales BigFoot cette année!"

Dr. Blinng was all over this. "The Yeti Not Seti Institute is prepared to pay BIG BUCKS for DNA collected from the Livermore peloton tour disaster. We will pay $3,000 for Yeti DNA, and $4,534 for any Lannz Armchair DNA taken from his bicycle seat!"

*All Texans, by definition, are famous.

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