Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hairy Havoc at Harvard! Educated BigFoot: Bogus or Bonafide?

Sasquatch Spotted at Harvard University? City of Cambridge in Chaos! More than Usual!

Students and Professors at Harvard University are more edgy than normal this week. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing an elusive BigFoot on campus. The beast had "long, smelly, matted stringy brown hair" and smelled like "really, really, really spoiled mayonnaise", campus police questioned three tenured professors who fit the description, but ruled them out. "None of them were eight feet tall, that sort of eliminated them as suspects.", said a Harvard security officer, "That creature must have been a Sasquatch!"

According to graduate students on the scene (undergraduate reports cannot be trusted), Sasquatch strolled down Peabody street towards the Littauer building and posed in front of the Science Center, "It had a good time, laughing and pointing his finger at the science
building inhabitants and making obscene gestures to startled scientists gawking from windows". The hairy beast then ran through the university, stopping to listen to a Mozart concerto emanating from the Music building. "Then things really got crazy", according to one doctoral student in crypto-zoology.

Authorities are still trying to put all the facts together, but from what we know Sasquatch headed straight toward the Museum of Comparative Zoology and ran through the main hallways, startling staff and students with an "offensive body odor" and "hysterical laughing sounds". "The hairy brute was mocking us. Such childish behaviour from a fellow hominid species, disgraceful!"

No one is talking, but BigFoot's campus invasion triggered another wild melee by rival gangs of zoology professors. Minutes after the Sasquatch sortee, hallway academia scuffles broke out after BigFoot's rampage.

"Yeah, I saw it all", said a Ph.D. specialist in fruit-fly follicles, "These rival gangs of professors rumbled over what to call the Ape-man. The profs fight all the time but no one talks so the campus cops can't stop it. Can't even tell you the gang colors, but they include crimson. There's a code of silence, you know?. Everyone in Zoology follows the code, but I'm a molecular biologist so I can talk, but no names, understand? Gotta be careful around here. The gigantopithecus and the paranthropus robustus gangs fought near the archaic humanoids display. There was a torn pocket-protector and a ripped copy of Nature on the floor after the gang fight."

A Harvard professor emeritus in Antiquities, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Is magnus pes scandal est vere ridiculum."

Cambridge City Council took immediate action, passing a resolution declaring the city to be a "Nuclear-free, Republican-free zone and Illegal Immigrant, Vegan, Gerbil and Sasquatch Sanctuary". "Bigfoot can stay as long as it obeys city sanitation laws, takes a bath, avoids tea parties, eats humane organic vegetarian foods, doesn't wear fur or lower property values."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI institute in Yuba City California, declared "I would pay $3000 to the first Harvard professor to send me authentic Bigfoot DNA, but my stupid board of directors reduced my budget for Sasquatch-bodily-fluid sample payouts. They're making an unreasonable demand that I get "value for money", what ever that means."


Anonymous said...

Oh fer jimenychristmas chrissakes goodgollygosh. There are at least 73 professors, 114 law school students and God knows how many hairy undergrads at Harvard who look just like that that smelly beast. Those photos prove absolutely nothing.

This is just another example of the press's continuing inability to get the facts straight about Harvard and BigFoot. Always favoring Yale or Boston College aren't you? When are you going to start using your tiny brains for socially respectable work, like being a celebrity trial lawyer?!

Eh... while we're on the subject, are you looking for a good litigation attorney? I can squeeze blood out of a turnip!


Rick "I ought to know" Sheirerer, Esq. Harvard Law School, Class of 19somethingoranother.

KarlBlingPhD said...

Upon further review of the recent sightings, the Boston commons creature appears to be genuine sasquatch and not a Belgian tourist. The creature at Harvard was a lost Yalie looking for directions.

I will send Elmer and Joe Bob to investigate along with a 6 pack of Sam Adams

Anonymous said...

Actually, a day following the Harvard mayhem, I was visiting MIT to continue my research on brainwave frequencies, and walked into a study hall at the MIT library, which, contrary to custom, was full of animated discussion. The discussion was led by tenured Prof. Hyacinth Braining (FYI, Hyacinth is a man, it's just that his parents were trendsetters and a generation ahead of their time, so they named their son under the influence of certain chemicals), and later refused to pay the requisite fee to rename him, on account of being too cheap.

Anyway, Prof. Braining was upset about the fact that no one on their neighboring campus (starting with, hm, hm, H...) had bothered to think of the obvious. Namely, that the Big Foot sighting may actually have been a visiting faculty member from MIT. After all, there are many similarities between Big Foot and MIT faculty members - unkempt appearance; avoidance of human contact; and sharply pronounced lack of social skills.

Prof. Braining was outraged that the maniacs at the unnameable H.. campus were so full of themselves, and so bent on seeing miracles around their wretched establishment that they missed the obvious, i.e., a poor MIT professor who, in a misguided effort, had decided to visit the Widener Library. Unwittingly, the MIT professor had become fodder for added publicity, again, benefiting the wretched H... establishment.