Curaçao Crumbles from Bigfoot Sightings!

Sasquatch Sallies onto Curaçao Island! Seriously!

Certified* Cryptologists all over the known world are agog at news a North American Bigfoot has been spotted on the Southern Caribbean island of Curaçao. Local tourism authorities strenuously deny the rare beast is a local ape-man. A local north island resident was sure of the Sasquatch source: "It must have come in on one of dos nasty cruise ships that keep showin' up like pirates. Nasty things! Yama polis!"

Sasquatch or Cruise Ship Tourist? Hairy beast spotted at Playa Kenepa Grandi. 

"It coulda been much worse!", exclaimed a local alcohol-infused-tropical-smoothie owner at the Kenepa Grandi Beach, "At least dat animal didn't go swim in da wata. Could you image? That beautiful turquoise water becoming infested with monkey fleas, lice, and whatever else was clinging to that awful beast's mangy fur? Bai awo!" 

Sasquatch sighting at the Shete Boka National Rain Forest. 

The exotic hominid even showed up in the most lush, densely grown, tropical parts of Curaçao, Shete Boka National Park. OK, we were paid to write that, as we're money-grubbing hacks with no sense of journalist ethics in our bones. Shete Boka is actually desolate, arid, rugged, wind-blown and nearly lifeless... not unlike parts of extreme West Texas, the planet Mars**, or most Big-Box store parking lots. 

Wandering around or lost? Unexplained Sasquatch presence has biologist scratching their heads and other body parts. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute in the island paradise of Yuba City, California, had this to say about that. "I have that to say about this. Bigfoots are not native to Curaçao. Heck they aren't native to Yankee Stadium, either! But there you go... a bona fide Bigfoot sighting on this formerly lovely tropical island in the Southern Caribbean. It may take years for the island's tourism industry to recover from the simian shock. If they're lucky the beast was a stowaway on a clueless cruise ship and managed to sneak on back on board for parts unknown. I fear for Aruba! Things are not "Dushi" in Curaçao right now!

*All Cryptologists, along with Alien Astronaut Theorists, are 'certified' in one form or another. 

**Extraterrestrial Sasquatch sightings have been made on the planet Mars. Truth! Just ask Percival Lowell, deceased. 

SINGAPORE IN SLING AFTER BIGFOOT ATTACKS!

 Singapore Slapped Silly by Barging Bigfoot Bumbler!

The Famously Weird and Wonderful Merlion Fountain Statue inspired this Sasquatch to do something very nasty. When Cryptocreatures meet, it rarely goes well. 

The normally well-behaved, super-clean and super-expensive nation of Singapore was thrown into a rare State of  Stupefaction by the appearance of a North American Sasquatch this week causing panic, consternation and whopping littering fines. A local resident describes the chaos: “I had no plans today, I was just gonna lepak at Merlion Park and have a few Tiger Beers with my gang. Suddenly out of the crowd this huge hairy beast, NOT an Australian Hippie, ran over to a Merlion Fountain and just stood there gazing at it in wonder. Then, IT happened. The monster man turned around, calmly looked at the harbor, growled in imitation of the fish lion and proceeded to urinate copious volumes of Sasquatch Pee into the ocean for 10 terrifying minutes. Fish were jumping out of the water trying to escape the torrent. Wah lau! Of course we were amazed, lah?”

The famous Raffles Hotel was not sparred scurrilous Sasquatch indignities. 

Singapore Slings went on sale at the unheard of discount of 50% off to calm down agitated guests after the Bigfoot wondered through the hotel, scooping up any fried foods it could find.

The Bigfoot Beast attempted to enter to the Marina Bay Sands SkyPark in search of, well, whatever Sasquatches search for, but he was foiled when the Police left a trail of day-old fish-head-curry leading towards Malaysia. 

Singapore's National Police Force issued a press statement after the beast had disappeared in a manner as mysteriously murky as when the ape-thing first made his amazing appearance. "Siao! Quit bothering us with your phone calls! Call Animal Control, you idiots!" Singapore Animal Control would not answer any calls, either. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the questionable YETI NOT SETI Institute for the study of cryptozoology and fleecing investors, was coincidently visiting Singapore on a fact-finding mission. "Drat it to heck! I was in the same city conducting research and the focus of my entire professional career was just a few miles away from me! I couldn't even collect Sasquatch bodily fluid samples - the beast had peed into Singapore Harbor and it was impossible to receive any DNA samples. My original mission was a success, however. I've discovered that Tiger Beer and Anchor Beer are pretty good! Singapore Slings at an amazing 50% discount at the Raffles Hotel is also a great find. Fish-head-curry is best left undiscussed."

Erk Holohead, a member of the Institute's Bored of Directors, had visited Singapore previously and had a few comments. "I never saw a Bigfoot in Singapore, but managed to sample much of the local food and liquid refreshments along with a scenic tour of the Jurong Island petrochemical complex during my visit. Except for Zurich and Disneyworld, I've never seen such a seriously clean place. I was very careful about chewing gum there. Singapore won't tolerate litter! Whenever I did chew gum, I respected local laws and carefully and considerately placed each wad under a restaurant table or someone else's bar stool... just like in the States! I respect local laws and traditions, especially if there are investable funds at stake!"

Bigfoot Terrorizes Taiwan!

 Sasquatch Sighting in Taipei! Taiwanese Traumatized! Macaques missing in action!

In an amazing appearance, a rogue North American Bigfoot dumpster-dived a 7-Eleven in Taipei. This famous local restaurant is known for it's savory fried fast food, condiments, and gas.  

The crypto-hairball incident set off a mild diplomatic kerfuffle, with the Taiwanese government pointing a middle finger at China, Canada, and/or the USA as the source of this highly unwelcome intruder. Of course the suspect governments all pointed middle fingers at each other, except Canada. The Canadian government was too nice to respond with such a rude hand gesture, and sincerely apologized that if the Bigfoot was in fact Canadian they would properly apologize for not properly apologizing in the first place. 

How the beast arrived to bother Taiwan is a mysterious mystery. A suspicious traveler from San Francisco is an intense subject of interest. "I was wondering why a passenger in the first-class cabin had so much hair, drank too much cognac, read the Financial Times upside down, and stank to high heaven.", said one of the stewardii on board the flight. "We had to delouse the plane upon landing. You may be assured no escape hatches fell of during the flight, though we were hoping one would and suck this unhygienic passenger out into the Pacific Ocean!" 

No such Sasquatch sucking out the hatch occurred, and upon landing the mysterious simian passenger apparently made it past customs and was free to roam the unsuspecting city at will. 

First Contact: Cousins Meet? The Locals were not impressed. Macaques mortified. 

Locals were amazed to see the beast eagerly chow-down chòu dòufǔ, known at "stinky tofu". Stinky tofu has an aroma which allegedly sickens most round-eyes, but according to Taipei city dwellers, the dish is a uniquely fermented concoction of tofu cubes extra-deep-fried in rancid pig lard. The Sasquatch couldn't get enough of this local 'treat'. 

Macaques Mystery!

While the Bigfoot was wolfing down leftover and mysteriously popular street foods, the Macaques in the area became quite restless. The world famous Uncle Mo, Larry, and Curley Macaque Park was the scene of a first contact between the Bigfoot and a milling mob of (what else?) Macaques. The chance encounter did not go well. The simians did not get along. In fact, after flinging monkey poo at the Sasquatch, the Macaques beat a hasty retreat out of the park.  The mob only returned well after the big ape had left the scene. The Sasquatch seemed indifferent to the little monkeys and disappeared in the city again to seek out more rancid chòu dòufǔ. Authorities are still searching for the hominid, however it's thought the animal slipped past customs (again) and hitchhiked a ride back to North America. 

Dr. Karl Bling, President-for-Life of the YETI not SETI Institute, had few comments to make during a sparsely attended press conference in exotic Yuba City. "I have a few comments to make concerning this Taipei business. First, where the hell are all the journalists, social influencers, and bloggers!? I'm about to issue some big news! Well, screw 'em anyway, a bunch of puff-balls. I'm sending a very gullible nephew of mine to Taipei. He's interning at our prestigious institute and I pay him squat, that's why I use him, sucker. He's looking for DNA scrapes leftover from the beast. What's that? How is he getting there? It sure ain't going to be in first-class drinking cognac, not on my dime! I'm looking at booking him on an old rust-bucket freighter carrying bananas from Central America to Taiwan. A very cheap one-way transit. If the crew are nice they might let him have some leftovers to eat. If he finds any Sasquatch DNA I'll let him come back on a cut-rate fishing trawler, I hear the sashimi is great."