Foggy Bigfoot NOIR Crime Wave in NoCal!

Hairy Bigfoot Gang Marauding in Northern California! Police "Powerless"! Batman "Missing"! Something's "Fishy"?

In what looks to be a shaky but coordinated crime spree, a nasty gang of unhygienic Sasquatches has been stealing frozen cod liver oil and freshly rancid fish from hotels, marinas, and terrified fisherman. "These apish criminals are mere amateurs in the annals of crime.", stated a famous private detective based in San Francisco, "But what they lack in intelligence they make up for in moronic enthusiasm. They are smelly, dumb, and dangerous!"  

Bigfoot Gang caught on security camera casing an overpriced Vacations Ruined By Owner Cabin hiding near the Russian River. 

Reports of overturned garbage cans, ransacked potato chip bags, and enormous piles of pungent simian fecal matter have overwhelmed the local constabulary in Guerneville. "Oh sure, we get your normal local crazies saying they've seen a Sasquatch here, but we've never had to deal with actual Bigfoots! Our attorney general says they are a protected species, so our options are limited. We must try to talk to these beasts and convince them to move on the next county. Always a good strategy, normally. But have you ever tried talking to a Bigfoot?", said a harassed Sheriff's Deputy. 

Suspected Sasquatch gang member spotted shaking down a marina on the Sacramento River Delta. Multiple thefts of 2-day old fish and organic fried chips were reported.

 The Bigfoot crime wave has hit normally soggy Marinas on the Delta. "They came in the fog", said one incurable fisherman, "They shook me down! I had to give them all the fish I caught plus my precious bags of organic high-fat briny-fried potato chips. Boy was I mad, but there was nothing I could do. These Sasquatches are a protected species. My trusty .45 I always carry for deep-water fishing trips was useless. Hey, don't laugh! A .45 shot at point-blank range into the water always helps me reach my fish limit for the day! Fishing pole not needed! You gotta bring a net though. Yeah, bring the net."  

Security Camera captures Bigfoot Gang Member lurking around a Pirates Lair.

Authorities are closing in on the gang. A questionable Marina known as a Pirates Lair has been associated with multiple reports of Bigfoot sightings. "Say, we might have something there!", explained a retired local police chief, "Time to send out the Bat Signal!". He is quite retired, at this point. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute located in fishy Yuba City, California, had a comment on the Bigfoot Crime Wave of the Century. "These beasts are soooooo DUMB! They should be robbing banks or something. At least break into a potato chip factory and gorge themselves senseless. Morons!" 

Erk Holohead, the Institute's propaganda and revenue director, had an idea. "Yeah... I've got an idea... yeah. This time it's a good one! We put on monkey suits, see? Then we go for the BIG money and rob banks, casinos, and museums, see? Yeah... the coppers will never figure it out. They'll blame the Bigfoot ape-boys. Dis'll be a lot more fun than scamming widows and orphans!"

Placervil Bigfoot Beats Court Rap!

Sasquatch wins Court Case with No Contest Plea and Courtroom Escape!

In a dramatic courtroom incident worthy of cringe-watching crime drama, a 'diabolically clever' Bigfoot managed to beat the rap and escape justice at the Placervil Courthouse, where the career-criminal furry-felon faced multiple charges of public nuisance, petty theft, and air polluting violations.  

Ricard Scheister, the 'acting' defensive lawyer representing the snarling beast, had just entered his usual nolo contendere plea for all 14 charges. When the Judge was about to declare an expectedly harsh sentence for repeat violations, the hairy defendant made a rude hand gesture to no one in particular, manically laughed, and suddenly leaped out a courtroom window.  The defendant was gone before the courtroom guards were wakened from their afternoon naps. "This thief is the Moriarty of Bigfoots!", declared the judge. "Get that Hairy Brigand!" 

A courtroom attendee looking suspiciously like the accused was seen near the Courthouse minutes after the Bigfoot's amazing escape. 

"It was the blizzard of flies which gave him away", said a local crime reporter who saw the beast running... "Those nasty flies followed him like a cloud!" It's assumed the criminal bigfoot is now in a nasty hideout somewhere in the Sierra Nevada foothills, awaiting the opportunity of resuming his evil plans to steal rancid fried foods, scare little old ladies, and terrorize yapping little ankle-biting dogs. 

WANTED: BIGFOOT! 

The hollywood celebrity defense lawyer Ricard Scheister was incensed by his erstwhile defendant's actions. "I'm not incensed that he escaped punishment. No, he deserved to have the book thrown at him! No, I'm very incensed that I didn't get paid! That moron Dr. Blinng from the Institute promised full payment for legal services rendered. Now it's turning into another one of those idiotic pro bono Sasquatch cases. I'll teach Blinng... just see if I answer the phone the next time he needs bail-bond money at 3 in the morning!"

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the Yeti Not Seti Institute, was shocked at the Placervil courtroom antics. "That is the last time I'll put the Institute's good name at risk defending a Bigfoot! We'll stick to our usual financial fraud schemes... nolo contendere always works!"