Sunday, November 21, 2021

BIGFOOT SPOTTED AT FRENCHIE LAUNDRY IN VINO COUNTRY!

Sasquatch Sighting at Fancy Fufu Frenchie Restaurant! Director of YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE misses Creature Again! Guvenor Rabid Gruesome NOT SEEN near vicinity! 

Breaking News! Too Much Information to make intelligence of it all! Ideal for our purposes...

A rare Bigfoot with fine culinary tastes has recently been spotted lurking near the famous Fancy Frenchie Culinary and Political Tinderbox "The Frenchie Laundry". The restaurant is carefully curated in the Youtville, Calyfornia wine country. An esteemed guest during this amazing incident (not the Guvenor) was no other than the infamous Dr. Karl Blinng, the Napoleon of  Sasquatchology. 

Dr. Blinng has an bonafide Ph.D. degree in Cryptozoology which he received in the mail. Blinng is the Director For Life of the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE. 

Shockingly, Dr. Blinng missed his big chance to actually see the hairy creature with his own eyes. Witnesses claim he was distracted. "It all happened so fast! I'd brought some shirts to be laundered and lightly starched. Then that dang beast blasted through the area and was gone! Curses, another opportunity wasted after a lifetime searching for this malodourous beast! I blame my worthless minions for this disaster. There WILL be consequences!"

Dr. Blinng misses yet another sighting of the elusive Sasquatch. "I was admiring the fascinating cement used for the rock wall." was the Director's excuse. 

The frenchified house of repast and laundry service currently enjoys an esteemed Three-Michelin rating. A favorite on the menu is the famous 3 Pounder Bacon-Cheeseburger smothered in Merlot-Infused Escargot. Fried Onion Rings are extra. French Fries are not served, as they are actually Belgian and not French. The recent Sasquatch sighting is not expected to lower the Wine Country Diner's well-earned Michelin rating, although a decidedly unwelcome Nasty Bigfoot Rating (NBR) will rise from 0.0 to 1.0. 

Ancient Alien Astronaut & Bigfoot Experts are speculating as to why this coastal Bigfoot and Guvenor Rabid Gruesome were not seen at the same time during this amazing Sasquatch Sighting. "It is bizarrely curious... I mean look at the hair of the Guvenor, and look at the hair of a Bigfoot. There is a lot of hair on both them. Coincidence? You Decide! Er, you politicos out there can call me for more sensitive information and consulting regarding this entire matter. I charge by the minute..." pontificated Ricard Scheister Esq. and a member of the Bored of Directors at the YETI NOT SETI Institute.

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Winnemucca Wild With Weirdness From Bigfoot Sighting!

 Sasquatch Smashes Winnemucca Casino and Championship Horseshoe Tournament!

Wonderful Winnemucca is home to many amazing things. Such as... ahhhhh.... give us a minute! 

Oh yeah, Bigfoots!

Winnemucca residents and tourists were whipped-sawed when a wild Sasquatch strolled into town, looking for dumpster filled delicacies such as old french fries, mystery meat nuggets, and other choice fast food menu items. While conducting his curious culinary search, the beast disrupted normal activities across the width of Winnemucca's massive metropolitan area.

Hairy Bigfoot gambling with his life at a local Casino. 10-1 odds he escapes back into the hills again. 

One loyal patron playing the slots at a local Winnemucca Casino saw the fragrant beast dash into the diner, grab an armful of old spaghetti and soggy hotdogs from the kitchen garbage bin, and quickly bolt out again into the wild. "It was amazing! I actually stopped pulling the lever on my lucky slot machine, downed my scotch, and forgot to light another cigarette! I think that ape guy thought the place was called 'Wieners'. They can't read so good, you know."

It was 'Dead Shoe Time' when the beast crashed the International Winnemucca Horseshoe Pitching Championship. A player caught the beast with an incredible photo before passing out in shock - - shock and being hit on the head by an errant horseshoe.
In a historic sports disruption which will be forever recorded in the annals of professional Horseshoes, the Sasquatch decided to investigate the world famous Winnemucca Champions League Horseshoe Tournament while a highly competitive game was in progress. 

Tension was high. The Sunncity Pensioneers were about to tie and pass the reigning champions, the Medicare Marauders. Then Bigfoot barged in. Total Panic ensued! Complete Chaos commenced! The mass confusion came to an end only when one of the players, totally distracted by the mangy monster, accidently released his horseshoe high into the air. The crowd ran for the exits to avoid the impressively high but rapidly falling chunk of iron. A senior referee was hit on the head by it, but as he had a hard skull little damage was done. After things calmed down and everyone took their places again, it was discovered the mysterious Sasquatch had disappeared. But he managed to vanish along with all the Snack Bar's stale and wilting tuna fish sandwiches ready to sell to unsuspecting spectators. "That animal stole our fishy snack booth goodies and profits!", said an angry but haughty Horseshoe Hostess matron. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Chairman-for-Life at the YETI NOT SETI Institute, was triple whammied by the beast's beastly appearance. "Good golly gosh. Here I was visiting Winnemucca for a wonderful research project and my plans were totally wrecked. I had glorious plans to research Winnemucca casino gambling odds by engaging in probability experiments at the Blackjack table. I had plans to research the nature of horseshoes, physics, and beer consumption. And I was looking forward to visiting the "The Ring Circle", the old red light district in town... for purely scientific endeavors, I can assure you!"

Perilous Panama Bigfoot Sighting at Avenida Balboa!

 Aromatically Formidable Sasquatch Ruins Sunday Outings for Local Panamanian Denizens! 

Sunday morning is usually the only time of the week when frazzled residents of Panama City, Panamá can enjoy strolling and riding bicycles on Avenida Balboa without risking certain death from a never ending procession of cars, taxis, buses and renegade raspao carts. But not this Sunday! Thanks to a rare Bigfoot sighting in the city, general panic erupted and the entire area was shutdown while the police looked for the hairy and very sweaty creature. "We couldn't find the beast, again." said a local traffic cop. "These creatures are wily and elusive. Entonces, that is our official excuse anyway."

The Bigfoot was spotted along the Cinta Costera by a terrified tourist. "I smelled it before I saw it, unfortunately."

A local caught a foto of the Bigfoot waving at people gaping at him in shock from the Marina. "These poor guys at the Marina were yelling and screaming and pointing at the beast. I think that dumb creature thought they were waving at him, so he waved back! Then he stole my raspao, the furry cad!"

To add insult to olfactory injury, the monster appeared to sniff his armpits "with satisfactin" when he spotted an underarm deodorant advertisement on Avenida Balboa. "That beast definitely doesn't use a deodorant!", exclaimed a traumatized local. Doctors say the poor victim's nose will recover in a few months.

Why has Sasquatch returned to Panama City? Speculation abounds, but it is thought by certain local university professors in Cryptozoology (a popular class with Freshman looking for an easy grade) that as restaurants reopen from the Covid lock-down, the smells of fried foods have attracted the beast to venture down from the hills surrounding the city. 

Erk Holohead, a delinquent member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute bored of directors, has a special theory regarding Sasquatch and Panamá. "Look. It all adds up. Like 2+2=7. This Sasquatch is incognito. The monster probably has warrants for his arrest all over the place for petty food theft, public health violations, and other amazing crimes back in the States. The FBI want to 'talk' to him. A lot of Gringos from the USA and Canada are moving to Boquete, which is also an attractive habitat for hairy ape-men. Some of these gringos may have seen this Bigfoot in North America and could ID him in an instant. That big Ape has gone to the big city to hide out until the coast is clear. Plus, it loves fried foods. Can't resist 'em." 

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Sasquatch Sightings at the Sacramento and American Rivers!

Frazzled Fly Fishermen Frightened at Sasquatch Fandango!

Reports have rapids-ly stream-ed in of numerous Bigfoot incidents involving clueless "Catch and Release" fly fisherman performing their dark fly-fishy arts by the Sacramento and American rivers. 

Fish and Fly Fisherman flee in terror at sight of bad Bigfoot on the American River.
"It was FIENDISH. The Bigfoot, I mean, not the trout I was stalking. I was using my new hand-made hi-tech tse-tse larvae-fly. It was a beautiful fly. My precious! It had 5G GPS and moved like one of them UFO water-drones you read about on respectable websites. The damn Sasquatch ate it! I mean it ate my fancy fly AND the fish! Total disaster... a entire day of fishing and $150.00 lost, gone, vamoosed."
Savage Sasquatch Sneaking Caught Fish at I-5 and the Sacramento River.
In what can only be an incredible coincidence, a second Sasquatch interrupted another fabulous fly fishing frenzy on the Sacramento River. "Ya. We wuz fishing in a nice idyllic spot near Redding, underneath the lovely I-5 bridge when this savage Bigfoot came oouut of the shadows and grabbed our trout and ran off! Just like that. THIEF! CROOK! SCOUNDREL! We called the police and they just told us to go to a Jolly Roger Restaurant and just order a Fish-Fry sandwich like everyone else if we wanted fish that bad. 

A Redding police spokesman confirmed this advice. "We get these Bigfoot incidents every year involving fanatical fly-fisherman. Eh, all fly-fisherman are fanatical. As a public service we tell these fly fishing fools that it's a hell of lot easier to go order a McFishy Sandwich than go out into a dangerous river area infested with snakes, Sasquatches and Fresh Water Sharks. Oh yes, there are FRESH WATER SHARKS in the Sacramento River! You've been warned." 

The YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE did not return our phone calls for comment. Their answering machine said they were out fishing. 

Saturday, March 13, 2021

BIGFOOT ATTACK in EAST BAY HILLS! COYOTE TAKES THE RAP?

 "The Creature Came From Behind And Pounced!" Terrorized Hikers Escape Nasty Bigfoot Sighting near Lafayette California! Crazed Coyote a 'Quatch Casualty? 

A semi-innocent band of hikers looking for the rare Fritillaria pluriflora wildflower in the foothills surrounding bucolic Lafayette were astounded to encounter a roaming Sasquatch during their botanical expedition. In an astounding coincidence, a demented coyote has also been spotted in the same area, biting multiple people and acting in a frenzied manner not commonly seen in these animals. 

Super Scary Sasquatch Spotted in Serene Setting!

It is rumored, but not confirmed, that the infamous Director of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, Dr. Karl Blinng, was spotted in the area. All of the suspects - the Sasquatch, the Coyote, and the Doctor - are suspected of harboring Rabies. Who was patient zero?

Divot Looney, a newly elected* Bored of Director to the institute, gave an impromptu press conference at the Yuba City facility to factually deny this coincidence.  "Look" said Divot, "Take your sassy Sasquatch, your crazed coyote, your mad and demented Director.... with only of them foaming at the mouth. Just because Blinng is foaming at the mouth doesn't mean he is rabid.... oh wait..."

Bigfoot, Coyote, Demented Doctor, Rabies. Lysol won't help.

The Institute is closed as a public health hazard temporarily. All the Bored of Directors have been  placed into a two week quarantine at a pandemically closed dive diner in the Yuba City metropolitan area. The shuttered diner, famous for cold coffee and burnt toast, will serve the inmates free flat diet cokes and runny freeze-dried scrambled eggs, courtesy of the State Health Department. Rumors abound that the Governor may join them for a five-star dinner, however. Wearing masks is optional!

Ricard Scheister, a Bored of Director member and quasi-legal advisor, opined on the alleged potential connection between the mysterious bite attacks and a rabid Dr. Blinng. "Balderdash! Blinng has an alibi! Will the alibi lay down, yawn, and scratch itself in court - - but stand up? Not bloody likely!"

The Coyote? The cunning creature is still roaming the foothills, prowling the area looking for fresh ankles to bite. Bourbon Street Wild Life experts suspect the poor animal was subjected to a furry crypto-terror most horrible in sight and disgusting in smell. The experience drove the animal mad. It was too much to take, even for a mangy coyote.  

*Erk Holohead confirms that since Divot's second check to the Institute for membership didn't bounce, the final vote was 4-0 to admit him... to the Bored of Directors that is. "Hey, money talks. Government funded crypto research funds diverted invested to boost the morale of the Institute employees are always welcome. Essentially, Dr. Blinng's wine cellar at the Institute is running low on Sparkling Wine and Extra Spicy Fritos.... he needs replenishment. All for the good of Science and Cryptozoological Research." 

Monday, December 28, 2020

Lassen is Lousy with Bigfoots!

 Multiple Mt. Lassen Bigfoot Sightings! Backcountry Areas Closed! Bears are boggled. 

More mysterious sightings of rummaging Ape Men have been made in the Mt. Lassen Volcanic National Park area. As a precaution, the Park Service is doubling day-visitor fares to take advantage of the surge in cryptozoologist visitors, and has stopped all pizza delivery in the backcountry regions. 

Sasquatch caught crossing a previously unspoiled steam at the National Park. The terrorized trout scattered in a fishy frenzy, as they can smell many things underwater. Bigfoot wrecked a good day of fly-fishing for fanatical fisherman.
A picturesque waterfall plus tourists plus a not-nice Sasquatch spells trouble. This idyll scene was soon emptied of all humans and squirrels, who fled in a panic at the sight of the dangerous beast and his foul unwashed odors. 
Local residents are alarmed at this recent sighting of large hairy ape-beasts. There is some controversy.  "I knew this was going to happen sooner or later!", said one grizzled local. "Why there's even naïve folks encouraging these big monkeys to come and visit the park! They even have a fancy Bigfoot crossing sign set up. I mean, you might as well just give these Sasquatches the keys to the Park and say 'here you are, come and take it'!"

Dr. Blinng, Chairman and President-for-Life of the world famous YETI NOT SETI Institute in scenic Yuba City, California, granted a short press interview on this topic to a local middle school ace news reporter. Blinng thinks these remarkable Mt. Lassen reports are genuine. "I'm sure this really happened. In fact I'm POSITIVE it really happened. I have my sources, I pay them well... ice cold beer works best."

Sunday, November 15, 2020

Wagontire Oregon Hit With BIGFOOT ATTACK!

Wagontire Oregon reeling from Second Sasquatch Sighting in 40 Years! Population Drops 33%!

The buzzing metropolis of Wagontire Oregon is suffering from the depopulating impact of a second bigfoot sighting in the city in less than 40 years. "Yes Sir", exclaimed the City Mayor, "That nasty apeman really put a hammer on our community. We've dropped 33% in loco, er, local residents overnight- from three to two! Crud, we can't take much more of this crazed cunning creature!"

The apparently very lost Sasquatch beastie caught approaching the city of Wagontire in search of stale root beer. 

Efforts by the monster to find rancid root beer were unsuccessful, but it did manage to find some overlooked Mr. Pibb bottles and fossilized BigHunk candy bars sitting on a unused gas pump since 1980. After securing this bodacious booty, the blaring beast beat a trail back to the mountains from whence it came. 

Frightened Wagontire residents hastily closed the main commercial center of the city upon the incredible approach of the nasty man-ape hairy animal thingy. 

A local old-timer recalled the last time such a smelly savage was encountered at Wagontire, "Yep, it sure was a long time ago! 1980s I reckon? Not 1880s, my memory ain't so good anymore", he said scratching his head. "I remember a couple hairy tenderfoot numskulls stupid enough to ride bicycles through here back then... they sure as heck looked like them there sasquatches. They waz Calyfornians... and smelled to high heaven too, whooweee! They came riding into town looking for trouble and root beer, just like that there recent attack. But we showed them furry nasties who's boss. Yes Sir. We closed up the city good and tight, and took the air out them there fancy frenchie bicycle machines.... for them it was 'FLAT-TIRE Oryygon... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"


Monday, July 6, 2020

College Graduation Photo-Bombed by Bigfoot!

Family Kodak Moment turns to Mush as Marauding Sasquatch Photo-Bombs San Diego!

In what can only be called a conspiracy, a well-planned graduation photo carefully prepared by the Blinng family was utterly ruined when a blustering Bigfoot barged into the frame, destroying in a split-second over 60 minutes of meticulously arranged posing, tassels, hair, and teeth.
Cryptozoology?! Is that a Major?!
It is reported that Dr. Blinng, Director of the YETI not SETI Institute, missed the entire Bigfoot sighting yet again, having turned his back for a split-second to take his daily snuff. Subsequently frantic searches for any stray Sasquatch DNA came up negative.

As for the recent graduate, she has returned her BS Degree in Marine Biology to the University. "This is bogus!", she exclaimed. "After all these years of studying smelly fishy fishes and mucus loving Mollusca Aplacophora, I realize now where my true career lies - Cryptozoology!", she said excitedly. "Yes, that is where the real action is! No more research into Thiomargarita Namibiensis, oh no! It's Mermaids, The Loch Ness Monster, and Aquatic Space Alien Civilizations for me! Oh yes, and Gigantopithicus Revoltus - Bigfoot!", she said proudly, "I'll tell daddy he has to pay for 4 more years of college. He'll be very happy to learn of my new plans!"

At that point, Dr. Blinng complained of a sharp pain in his chest, swooned, and passed-out clutching his wallet. Recent reports indicate he is recovering nicely at the Institute's Yuba City facility, under observation.

Thursday, June 25, 2020

Bigfoot Spotted in the People's Republic of Bezerkley!

Skulking Socially Distant Sasquatch Skirts Serious Stay-at-Home Order in Berkeley! City Police and Health Department Officials in Frantic Search for the Hairy Beast!

A masked lumbering Sasquatch has been spotted in Berkeley California, sparking alarm from health officials dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic and lock-down enforcement. Speculation is rampant as to the motives and health of the beast. The Bigfoot is apparently following proper social distancing rules, wearing a mask when roaming the area while stealing fried foods and terrifying shocked squirrels and stupefied pigeons. Why would a Bigfoot show it's furry face (sort of) in the city now?
Masked and Socially Distant Sasquatch spotted by remote home camera in Berkeley.  

Ricard Scheister, Legal Counsel and 24-hour Bail Bondsman for the YETI-NOT-SETI Institute, has a theory on why the shaggy beast is prowling the city. "It's simple, really, even a Blinng or a Holohead can figure this one out. The University of California at Bezerkley is closed because of this nasty virus pandemic thingy. That means all dorm residents were kicked out, along with all the illegal pets they snuck into their dorms, including rattlesnakes, sharks, and unicorns. This poor excuse of an animal is a dormitory pet that escaped! The beast blends in with campus undergraduates and Telegraph Avenue minions. No one would notice until closer inspection revealed an oddly massive amount of body hair, no clothes, and regrettable personal hygiene habits. This sensible Sasquatch may have fled the dorms to escape notoriously bad dorm food and went commando months ago. We just don't know. We never do! As a shady lawyer, ah, as a lawyer who loves shade, I'm perfectly willing to consult on this vital matter.... I charge by the minute, major credit cards accepted."

Epidemiologists and Serious Space Alien researchers have been speculating for months now regarding a potential Wuhan China link between Yetis, Sasquatches, and ferociously feral hamsters. The Berkeley health department recommends everyone wear your masks and avoid hairy Sasquatches at all times. 


Monday, June 15, 2020

YETI Not SETI Institute photographs of Board of Director Members Revealed

Meet The Institute Directors!

The world famous YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE located in exotic Yuba City, California is proud to release photos of our Board of Directors. 


See their Mug Shots, ah, Publicity Photos, at: