Sasquatch Versus Jogging Gang at Dive Bar! Run Away!

Inebriated Sacramento Joggers Astounded at Bigfoot Runner Confrontation! "Worse than a half-marathon!" 

Eye-witness accounts of a health-conscious Sacramento Sasquatch in full Bandit Runner Mode. He was also headed in the wrong direction. 

Sacramento Police barely averted a aerobically juiced riot when a savage ultra-marathoner Sasquatch barged into a notorious dive bar known to be frequented by weekend jogger gangs. A risky recipe for civil behaviour disorder!

 

Having Fromage malodorant accompagné d'un mauvais vin does not go well with Bigfoots nearby.

 

Patrons at the Joggers Bar, having jogged a weekend fun run, were busy drinking bad wine and eating bad cheese. The atmosphere was already tense and full of repressed violence. Attracted by the malevolent odors of mauvais fromage et vin de piètre qualité en décomposition, a ultra-marathon running Sasquatch was distracted from his 'run' and barged into the dive Joggers Bar, looking for the source of these (for him) delectable refreshments. 

 

"I hit the wall when that hairy running poseur showed-up. Seeing that beast steal our gourmand dishes was worse than the most irritating chafing of my groin area when jogging 4 block marathons!" A carefully paced bar fight was averted when the intruder grabbed a chunk of ancient cheese, a dusty wine bottle complete with screw-top, and darted out to rejoin the ultra-marathon race being held nearby. "The moron went in the wrong direction.", smirked a jogger-gang leader, "He's probably searching for a double cheeseburger with fries. Say, that's not a bad idea. Let's go, gang!"  

 

The marathon posing Sasquatch held a threatening unidentified object in its hands before snatching his precious jogging snacks. "French bread carbs can really hurt a jogger!" said a scared eye-witness.

 

Kiki Dumpster, a newly hatched bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, located in runner's high Yuba City, California, was doping on Bigfoot. "I'm doped! That's why I always win my over-a-certain-age class fun runs! Listen, I was there when that smelly marathoning animal barged in. It's lucky it left when it did, otherwise that mob of drunk joggers in the bar would have left the sandbagging Sasquatch with a nasty charlie horse!"

Holy Sasquatch Fungus! Cow Pasture Exploration, Magic Mushrooms, Bigfoot Sighting!

Bigfoot Research Team Bungles State Park Bigfoot Sighting! Mushrooms Prime Culprit!

A long-planned Sasquatch Field Expedition by the YETI NOT SETI Institute, deep into the wilds of China Camp California State Park, ended in utter fiasco. Before it was all over, Director-for-Life Karl Blinng lay comatose and drooling in cow patties from an overdose of locally grown mushrooms. Professional Sasquatch victim and bored member Divot Looney suffered severe simian hallucinations and freaked-out furry paranoia from Bigfoots flying around his head like dragonflies. Both 'scientific gentlemen' are still in an undisclosed rehab recovery center somewhere on South of Mission Street. 

Advice: Magic Mushrooms and Sasquatch make for a bad trip. 

Divot Freaks Out from Bigfoot Magic Mushroom Attack! With Blinng unconscious, who took that photo? Another unsolved Crypto-Mystery! 

Magic Fungus:

Divot was able to relate his harrowing experience, as Blinng has not yet recovered the ability to speak. "We were going to test our research-grade tinfoil caps, to see if residual brainwaves would occur when we wear them. Little did I know that Blinng had been distracted by bizarre mushrooms found in a small wooded area. He'd eaten mouthfuls of the stuff. Naturally I had to nibble a bit myself. The next thing I know, Blinng had passed out AND a horrible stench surrounded me... I'd taken a shower that morning so I knew it wasn't me. I looked around and there was a BIGFOOT about to ATTACK ME. Again, dang it! Weird thing was it had wings and glowed purple and spoke in Eastern Esperanto. Then more of the hovering beasts showed up. Then more! Bummer trip, man! I realized the mushrooms had something to do with this wild overdose... but of course it was too late. I managed to call 911 and ask for help. I also called a friend of mine and told him to harvest the rest of those 'shrooms and bring 'em to my place for processing." 

 

Botanists are attempting to identify the species of Mushrooms eaten and harvested. "My guess is these fungus are of Martian origin. When I was abducted last time by aliens, between internal probe experiments they let me eat some!", opined an expert in extra-terrestrial fungus.

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI-NOT-SETI Bored of directors, was confused. "I'm often confused, but this latest expedition fiasco beats them all for confusion! Who on that grassy knoll took that photo of Divot being terrified by buzzing Bigfoots? Blinng was out for the count. So who took that photo, eh? I think there is a third person involved! Not that I'm paranoid, but this looks like a conspiracy and both Mars and the CIA have a lot to answer for, again!"

New Sasquatch Sightings in Panamá City! ¡Nuevo avistamiento de Sasquatch en la ciudad de Panamá!

Mysterious Ravenous Bigfoot Disrupts Dizzy Diners at Iconic Greek Restaurant in Panamá!

Yet another unwelcome Bigfoot incident has hit Panamá City, Panamá, and the mangy fur is flying.

Wild Animal Planet scene at the iconic Parrillada Jimmy Restaurant in the San Francisco district of Panamá City.

Jimmy's Restaurant was packed with ravenous diners as Carnaval Week was ramping up. That night, however, initially worried whispers from patrons near the windows became shouts and alarms as a feral Sasquatch loitered outside, sniffing intently, smacking it's lips, and looking madly at the dishes being served. "That gringo monkey, he really like the aromas coming from the restaurant. We didn't know if it was going to charge in and gobble up all the dinners (not diners) and small yappy service dogs caught-up in the feeding frenzy. I had to order more double-shot sangrias to steady my nerves!", exclaimed one regular patron. 

The Sasquatch was only satisfied once the staff began throwing old fried plantain, yucca, and left-over meat and fish cuts into the parking lot as a bribe to stay out. 

Thanks to fast action by restaurant kitchen-staff and management, discarded food and table scraps were thrown to the hungry beast. Yet after gorging upon these left-overs, the monster wanted more. Only when a medium-rare gourmet "Jimmy Steak" with inserted garlic cloves was thrown to the animal did the hairy beast slink back into the night. It's suspected the stuffed Bigfoot took a long siesta, and then headed towards the big Fish Market on the other side of town. Police are on the look-out and getting close. "But not too close, we're not stupid! Beside, it's Carnaval now. He'll easily slip into the party crowds until he does something offensive and Sasquatchy?"

Easily one of the best steaks in Panama, "The Jimmy" garlic cloves-embedded gourmet steak was sacrificed in order to satiate the savage Bigfoot. "An incredible waste of a steak.", sniffed one patron.

 

Gratuitous unpaid Endorsement of Parrillada Jimmy Restaurant in Panamá City. Excellent food. Open since 1966, a city icon. The "Jimmy Steak" with savory sauces and tasty Panamanian side dishes is fantastic. If you're ever in Panamá City, try it out!

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute bored of directors, was nearly comatose. "Yes, I was utterly comatose after eating an excellent dinner at Jimmy's. I still dream about that steak. But drat it all, I never saw the nasty Bigfoot! This rare tropical Sasquatch sighting gives me an good idea, sometimes I have them. We'll set up barbecue traps all over suspected Bigfoot areas. We'll put garlic clove infused marinated Filet Mignon steaks on the grill, drink icy artisanal beers, and have our cameras ready. Heck even if a Bigfoot doesn't appear, we'll still get a food coma!"

Bigfoot Sighting at No-Hands Bridge!

Auburn California Astounded! Sasquatch Sighted at No-Hands Bridge!

It was "all hands on deck" for the Auburn California Animal Control Department as multiple Bigfoot reports from shaken and disgusted hikers flooded the 911 emergency phone line. "We wuz overwhelmed by the sheer number of calls from these back-packing types. You'd think they wanted to disconnect from civilization and not carry a cel phone but no... they called and kept calling as long as the mangy ape was in the area!", mumbled an overworked City Dog-catcher turned part-time Bigfoot Hunter.  

Sasquatch caught on camera by horrified hiker!

Several Day-Hikers were able to take photos of the beast. "It was evil, elusive, and wily!" exclaimed one semi-nature stroller. "It was there one second then gone the next. Birds and coyotes in the area went real quiet. Squirrels were suddenly alert and alarmed. They are mortal enemies of Bigfoots. Only the beast's odor and an ever-present swarm of flies nearby gave any indication it was near!" 

The sneaky Bigfoot caught hiding behind a rock. 

 

An amazingly coincidental eye-witness was Ms. Kikki Dumpster, an intrepid member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute bored of directors for the study of Cryptozoology. "Yes, it's unbelievable that I was able to actually see this mythical ape-man of the forest, garbage dumps, and fast-food joints. I think the Bigfoot was actually trying to play hide-and-go-seek, but like a dog it thought that if IT couldn't see YOU, then YOU couldn't see IT. They're not very smart, these Sasquatches."

 

The Sasquatch Beast lurking about, looking for something to lurk.

 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-for-Life of the Institute, was jealous. "I'm jealous. I've spent my entire Cryptozoological Career looking for a real live Bigfoot and haven't spotted one yet! So many close calls! Drat it all! Beginners luck I say! Beginners luck! Not fair!". At that point Blinng calmed down, took a deep breath and a shot of cheap whisky, and returned to preparing an important Bigfoot presentation he will give at a fun & wild, er somber & prestigious Sasquatch Conference in Cancun Mexico. 
 

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors, was speculative. "Kikki had beginner's luck for sure. Now, bringing in real Sasquatch DNA or fecal matter... that would be impressive! Speaking of speculation... I've been speculating our Institute's orphan-and-widow funds on Crypto-Currencies. Buy high, sell low! It's always worked before. If these investments go south, I'll play hide-and-go-seek with the IRS and SEC. Been there, done that. Pesky extradition treaties only work in some Latin American hide-aways. My Spanish is pretty good nowadays!" 

Bigfoot Sighted at Henry Coe State Park!

Hikers Aghast as Sasquatch Crosses Trail at Henry Coe State Park! Joggers not bothered!

Boy Scout Tenderfoots on a Bataan Death March, Crunchy Granola Hikers, Fanatical Ultra-Marathoners, Trendy Designer Joggers and Seriously Lost Tourists were all astounded to see a real-life Bigfoot scamper across their paths at Henry Coe State Park this weekend. "I was at the park to hunt for rare quartz deposits. Instead I found rare and disgusting fresh Sasquatch deposits!", sighed a disappointed prospector. 

Fleeting glimpse of the Sasquatch. The beast headed towards higher ground.

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute for Cryptology and anything else which can make a quick buck-or-two without too much work, was unfazed. "I'm not phased! I'm phased-out but not phased! This sighting is concrete proof that Bigfoots roam the Santa Clara Valley and the surrounding mountains. Steve Joobs was likely a Bigfoot. Steve Wozzzniak is definitely a Bigfoot, in my expert opinion. Space Alien, er, Mark Snickerberrrgh was a Bigfoot. Heck, all my opinions are expert, just ask me! I'll pay $3,000 in US Dollars cash for any fresh Bigfoot deposits. Don't try to fool me, I know what bear poop looks like, OK!?"

Erk Holohead, a founding member of the bored of directors and in charge of various get-rich-quick schemes for the Institute, was confusingly indifferent about the recent sighting. "This Sasquatch spotting was remarkable, in an indifferent sort of way? Henry Coe State Park is nothing but trauma and torture. I remember my first Tenderfoot brat Boy Scout back-packing trip was in this accursed park. I learned about schlepping heavy back-packs, what a 6-mile mountain hike with a 50 pound backpack really felt like, nasty foot blisters, questionable chlorine-pellet potable water, gourmet but crunchy freeze-dried meatballs-and-pasta, "Swiss Piss", fire-baked but severely under-cooked potatoes, epic capture-the-flag-wars, and heroically futile snipe-hunts. During that ordeal I never once saw a Sasquatch! What I did see were mirages and hallucinations of juicy cheese-burgers with aromatic french-fries & catsup, but never once saw a Bigfoot. If we'd have seen a Bigfoot he would have been barbecued instantly."

YETI NOT SETI Launches Conspiracy Protection Research Project!

Foiled Again! Brave YETI NOT SETI Institute Bored Members participate in Risky Brain-Wave Monitoring Blockage Project!

Fortified with shots of cheap cognac and bargain basement rum during an annual meeting in wary Yuba City, California, the YETI NOT SETI Bored of Directors decided by acclamation to launch an exciting research project to determine if Tin-foil Helmets protect humans from top secret government and space-alien brainwave monitoring spy projects. It is hoped that amongst the many special things learned during the experiment, this knowledge will also protect wearers from hi-tech bodily-insertion-probes of all kinds. 

This amazingly simple idea was sparked after Ricard Scheister discovered ancient make-your-own-conspiracies kits at an Area 51 garage sale and eagerly shared them with the team. "This is the research tool we needed!", exclaimed Scheister, "If the NSA and the King of Spain are reading our brainwaves, we hope these helmets will stop them. Then maybe we'll finally find some Bigfoot DNA and other precious bodily fluids!"  

Erk Holohead in protective tin-foil head-gear, holding the Institute's precious build-a-conspiracy theory toolkit. "After using this research kit a few times, I now always wear my tin-foil hat." whispered Erk, "Just in case 'THEY' are listening. 'THEY' are. Shhhh!"

Ricard Scheister, AKA "The Invisible Man", showcasing his patented full head protective foil-helmet. "This new model works great! While I tend to bump into things and scare small children and pesky dogs,  it's a small price to pay to protect my brain-waves from 'THEM'!"

Kikki Durham exhibits multiple paranoia regarding amazing but true conspiracies. "Yep, I've got them all: Bigfoots, Chemtrails, Targeted EMP Attacks from Power Lines... and Toaster Oven behaviour in general. Don't Laugh! You'll see! You'll see when the AI apocalypse arrives and YOUR toaster oven comes after you! Fools!"

Not only is Divot Looney a Sasquatch risk taker, he exhibits little common sense in other key areas related to personal safety. "I intentionally built my tin-foil hat with a heightened hi-gain antennae, to better monitor attempts from 'THEM' to turn my brain to mush." It's working. My brain is feeling quite mushy now!

Institute Director-For-Life, Karl Blinng, is ready for anything. "It is nice to know the FBI, CIA, KGB, MI6, NASA, and many other organizations can no longer monitor what I'm thinking. The tin-foil hat is working so well I can longer hear myself think. I hear other voices instead!"

Brucillus Hail sports an innovative Foil Hat as a secondary level experiment. "Lab Safety is for Whimps! Not only is this innovative tin-foil hat better at stopping unwanted brain-wave monitoring from 'THEM', it acts as a unique sun and rain protection device. I think I'll call it a "HAT". Wait... who put that thought in my brain?!

Token Female Added to the Institute's Bored of Directors!

Woman admitted to the YETI NOT SETI Institute's Bored of Directors! 

In major news today, the Institute's Board of Directors has voted 27 to 15 to allow the illustrious Ms. Kikki Dumpster to join the Board. Once her check clears. Kikki is the first Female in the history of the Institution to be a voting member of the Bored. 

Learn more at: https://yeti-not-seti-institute.blogspot.com/2026/02/news-female-joins-yeti-not-seti.html 

Ms. Dumpster's joyful reaction upon learning she has been nominated and accepted to the Institute's Bored of Directors. 

 

Foggy Bigfoot NOIR Crime Wave in NoCal!

Hairy Bigfoot Gang Marauding in Northern California! Police "Powerless"! Batman "Missing"! Something's "Fishy"?

In what looks to be a shaky but coordinated crime spree, a nasty gang of unhygienic Sasquatches has been stealing frozen cod liver oil and freshly rancid fish from hotels, marinas, and terrified fisherman. "These apish criminals are mere amateurs in the annals of crime.", stated a famous private detective based in San Francisco, "But what they lack in intelligence they make up for in moronic enthusiasm. They are smelly, dumb, and dangerous!"  

Two of the Bigfoot Gang caught on security camera casing an overpriced Vacations Ruined By Owner Cabin hiding near the Russian River. 

Reports of overturned garbage cans, ransacked potato chip bags, and enormous piles of pungent simian fecal matter have overwhelmed the local constabulary in Guerneville. "Oh sure, we get your normal local crazies saying they've seen a Sasquatch here, but we've never had to deal with actual Bigfoots! Our attorney general says they are a protected species, so our options are limited. We must try to talk to these beasts and convince them to move on the next county. Always a good strategy, normally. But have you ever tried talking to a Bigfoot?", said a harassed Sheriff's Deputy. 

Suspected Sasquatch gang member spotted casing a marina on the Sacramento River Delta. Multiple thefts of 2-day old fish and organic fried chips were reported.

 

The Bigfoot crime wave has hit normally soggy Marinas on the Delta. "They came in the fog", said one incurable fisherman, "They shook me down! I had to give them all the fish I caught plus my precious bags of organic high-fat briny-fried potato chips. Boy was I mad, but there was nothing I could do. These Sasquatches are a protected species. My trusty .45 I always carry for deep-water fishing trips was useless. Hey, don't laugh! A .45 shot at point-blank range into the water always helps me reach my fish limit for the day! Fishing pole not needed! You gotta bring a net though. Yeah, bring the net."  

 

Security Camera captures Bigfoot Gang Member lurking around a Pirates Lair.

Authorities are closing in on the gang. A Marina known as a Pirates Lair has been associated with multiple reports of Bigfoot sightings. "Say, we might have something there!", explained a retired local police chief, "Time to send out the Bat Signal!". He is quite retired, at this point. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute located in fishy Yuba City, California, had a comment on the Bigfoot Crime Wave of the Century. "These beasts are soooooo DUMB! They should be robbing banks or something. At least break into a potato chip factory and gorge themselves senseless. Morons!" 

Erk Holohead, the Institute's propaganda and revenue director, had an idea. "Yeah... I've got an idea... yeah. This time it's a good one! We put on monkey suits, see? Then we go for the BIG money and rob banks, casinos, and museums, see? Yeah... the coppers will never figure it out. They'll blame the Bigfoot ape-boys. Dis'll be a lot more fun than scamming widows and orphans!"

Bigfoot Spotted in Catskills and New Joisey! Where's Jimmy?

Novel New York and New Jersey Sasquatch Sightings! Another hairy-raising reason to leave NYC? 

The Catskills and Northern New Jersey were the scene of wonky wildness Bigfoot action and needless speculation as multiple sightings were made in formerly scenic areas of both states. State and local officials are pleading with the tax-paying natives to remain calm and NOT move to Florida or Connecticut. However, some state officials in New Joisey ain't talkin', no-how.

 

"Where's Jimmy? I know he's around here, somewhere."

 

The New Jersey Botanical Gardens was the scene of multiple Bigfoot sightings, scaring visitors green, horrifying horticulturalists, gobsmacking gardenias. Estimated damage to the Botanical Garden's flora exceeds $300,000 due to toxic bodily waste functions unleashed by the Sasquatch. "The ape man looked intense, like he was looking for someone. I wouldn't want to be around when he finds 'em! I bet he's another one of them kooks who thinks Jimmy Hoffa was used for fertilizer around here. Naaaaa, that ain't it. Guess again, punk!"
 

The Beast caught on security camera at the Botanical Gardens.

 

The Catskills in New York State were not spared a Bigfoot scare. Authorities really don't know why the simian bothered to go there, but speculate it was attracted by multiple breweries in the region. "Bigfoots like rancid fried foods and stale beer", stated a local wildlife expert. 

 

Catskill Sasquatch Surveying His Domain. 

The beast managed to frighten tourists visiting a local waterfall and pool before they headed onto a stale beer brewery tour. "That monkey-man decided to take a bath in the pool! He smelled a 1,000 times worse than wet dog. We was stuck against the cliff for an hour before that hairy-nut-job waltzed away", exclaimed a thirsty visitor. An emergency environmental clean-up team is urgently working on the area, and hope to reopen the pool and falls in 2029. This is the State of New York, after all. 

 

Wash and Wear? Fleas Beware!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute located in musty Yuba City, California, pontificated on the latest Sasquatch sighting. "As I pontificate, I can't help but admire the sound of my own voice. Ahhh, wait a minute, wrong press announcement. Ah, here it is, stuck in my left ear. Yes. OK! We at the institute are shocked at the recent sightings in New York and New Jersey. Shocked, I say! What I want to know is just where are all these breweries in the Catskills? More importantly, where are all the moonshine stills?"

Sasquatch Spotted in Amish Country!

Local Amish and Noisy Tourists Bothered by Bigfoot Sighting in Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

 Lancaster County Pennsylvania is well known for its Amish folk, intrusive tourists, and the world's largest buffet - - the Shady Character Smorgasbord. What it hasn't been known here are obnoxious smelly Bigfoots, but that happy fact is rapidly changing for the worst. 

The Simian was caught on camera trying to board a tourist bus headed towards a large all-you-can-eat buffet. It had no ticket and was refused entry. 

Throughout the Pennsylvania Dutch Country, reports of animals acting strangely were common. "Horses, goats, cows, dogs, cats, squirrels and gerbils have a special aversion to the smell of Sasquatches, you know", an Amish farmer pontificated, "However, the pigs seemed to enjoy the company". 

Bigfoot Buggy Thief!

Police stated that several horse buggies were stolen by the adventurous Apeman, but he didn't get far. "Them horses weren't going to pull that mangy beast if they could help it!", said an officer, "That monkey man had to abandon ship and hoof it to the forests to avoid detection. He had an arm load of suspicious looking old scrabble with him. My guess is that his stomach can handle it!"  

Dr. Karl Blinng, President For Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute located in the heavily Deitsche town of Yuba City, California, had an opinion on this event. "I'm opinionated. My opinions carry great weight in the Sasquatch Research Community. Just ask me! Anyway, these sighting in Amish Country are remarkable. Also remarkable is that I haven't tried fresh Scrapple yet!"