Sasquatch Sighting in Taipei! Taiwanese Traumatized! Macaques missing in action!
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| In an amazing appearance, a rogue North American Bigfoot dumpster-dived a 7-Eleven in Taipei. This famous local restaurant is known for it's savory fried fast food, condiments, and gas. |
The crypto-hairball incident set off a mild diplomatic kerfuffle, with the Taiwanese government pointing a middle finger at China, Canada, and/or the USA as the source of this highly unwelcome intruder. Of course the suspect governments all pointed middle fingers at each other, except Canada. The Canadian government was too nice to respond with such a rude hand gesture, and sincerely apologized that if the Bigfoot was in fact Canadian they would properly apologize for not properly apologizing in the first place.
How the beast arrived to bother Taiwan is a mysterious mystery. A suspicious traveler from San Francisco is an intense subject of interest. "I was wondering why a passenger in the first-class cabin had so much hair, drank too much cognac, read the Financial Times upside down, and stank to high heaven.", said one of the stewardii on board the flight. "We had to delouse the plane upon landing. You may be assured no escape hatches fell of during the flight, though we were hoping one would and suck this unhygienic passenger out into the Pacific Ocean!"
No such Sasquatch sucking out the hatch occurred, and upon landing the mysterious simian passenger apparently made it past customs and was free to roam the unsuspecting city at will.
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| First Contact: Cousins Meet? The Locals were not impressed. Macaques mortified. |
Locals were amazed to see the beast eagerly chow-down chòu dòufǔ, known at "stinky tofu". Stinky tofu has an aroma which allegedly sickens most round-eyes, but according to Taipei city dwellers, the dish is a uniquely fermented concoction of tofu cubes extra-deep-fried in rancid pig lard. The Sasquatch couldn't get enough of this local 'treat'.
Macaques Mystery!
While the Bigfoot was wolfing down leftover and mysteriously popular street foods, the Macaques in the area became quite restless. The world famous Uncle Mo, Larry, and Curley Macaque Park was the scene of a first contact between the Bigfoot and a milling mob of (what else?) Macaques. The chance encounter did not go well. The simians did not get along. In fact, after flinging monkey poo at the Sasquatch, the Macaques beat a hasty retreat out of the park. The mob only returned well after the big ape had left the scene. The Sasquatch seemed indifferent to the little monkeys and disappeared in the city again to seek out more rancid chòu dòufǔ. Authorities are still searching for the hominid, however it's thought the animal slipped past customs (again) and hitchhiked a ride back to North America.
Dr. Karl Bling, President-for-Life of the YETI not SETI Institute, had few comments to make during a sparsely attended press conference in exotic Yuba City. "I have a few comments to make concerning this Taipei business. First, where the hell are all the journalists, social influencers, and bloggers!? I'm about to issue some big news! Well, screw 'em anyway, a bunch of puff-balls. I'm sending a very gullible nephew of mine to Taipei. He's interning at our prestigious institute and I pay him squat, that's why I use him, sucker. He's looking for DNA scrapes leftover from the beast. What's that? How is he getting there? It sure ain't going to be in first-class drinking cognac, not on my dime! I'm looking at booking him on an old rust-bucket freighter carrying bananas from Central America to Taiwan. A very cheap one-way transit. If the crew are nice they might let him have some leftovers to eat. If he finds any Sasquatch DNA I'll let him come back on a cut-rate fishing trawler, I hear the sashimi is great."
