NOT Maui Wowie! Hilo Haunted! Bigfoot Sighting in Horrified Hawaii!

Hawaiian Island of  NOT-Maui Scene of Sasquatch Sighting! "Not a hairy tourist!"

(Editors Note: The Blog's creative-news-writing staff profusely apologize for any confusion caused from mistaking the BIG island of Hawaii with the scenic island of Maui-not-Hawaii. As a token of our sincerity, the Institute is shipping a large sample of moist bonafide Bigfoot excreta collected in San Francisco to a major Hawaiian museum, to be selected by whichever institution pays the least amount in protection money. I kiss your hand, Erk Holohead.) 

The island residents of Hawaii required mass sedation after a series of disturbing reports of Bigfoot sightings across major tourist traps cunningly set to trap visitor Kālā kik, or as we locals like to say, Pala'oă mă'kă i hŏ'ŏwă'lĭ ĭ'ă. 

Guess which one is the Hog.

"Talk about your mainland invasive species! That Bigfoot was not only invasive it was obnoxious. How it got here is a complete mystery. Our fierce Chihuahua Patrols completely missed him!", said a local police spokesman sipping on a Not Maui Mule during his routine 3 hour lunch. 

The Beast almost took a 3 hour tour, just a 3 hour tour. The Captain of the Ship barred the gang-plank. "Ahoy there! I have enough problems with my idiotic crew... get back you mangy land-lubber!"

Hawaii Big Island not Maui Beaches attracted the beach-combing Sasquatch around sunset. "It ate 10 sets of car keys and 4 vape sticks found in the sand!" said a local surf bum. 

Hilo beach goers were shocked to see a Sasquatch roam the area, while the beast searched for not-so-fresh poke. 

Sasquatch meets a Hawaiian not Mauian Gorilla. Or an Ancient Inca Simian Space Alien? Enquiringly demented minds want to know. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, which is located in the ukulele capital of the world in balmy Yuba City California, had something to say. "I have something to say! I was there on the island for vacat... official business. I was conducting very important research into the possibility that Sasquatches reached Hawaii years before humans arrived. I'm convinced the beasts floated on buffalo bladders and let prevailing currents take them to the islands. Anyway, that's what my grant proposal said. Some deep-pocketed idiot was stupid enough to fund my expedition, sucker. Errrrr, strike that last comment!" 

Mating Season Bigfoot Spotted at Oroville Dam and Gourmet Sasquatch Restaurant!

Oroville Residents and Renegade Fly Fisherman Flummoxed at Bigfoot Eats Joint!

The Bigfoot Eats Restaurant near Oroville Dam was subjected to a bonafide Sasquatch Sighting during a crowded lunch hour. Fortunately no panic enthused, since customers assumed the beast was an jokester wearing a Bigfoot suite. "We get a lot of these guys come in dressed-up like a Sasquatch.", exclaimed a veteran employee at the Bigfoot joint. "Most of them look really goofy. But THIS ONE... well, we're wondering if that was a human in a monkey suit or an actual bigfoot!"

This Sasquatch looked too real?

 Oroville Police aren't talking much. "Hey we were across town having coffee and donuts, it's our thing you know?" The Mayor's office issued a statement deflecting all blame for Bigfoot activity in the area on Yuba City, stating that since the infamous YETI NOT SETI Institute is located there... the Sasquatch must have been an secret research laboratory escapee. 

No eye contact was made during the encounter! People are dumb but not stupid when it comes to aggravating dangerous crypto-wildlife... except city tourists in Yellowstone, apparently. 

Shameless Plug for Bigfoot Eats and Market: The Sasquatch Salad was scrumptious.

Sasquatch shocks ferocious fanatical fly fisherman at Lake Oroville. 

 Lake Oroville Fly fisherman were gobsmacked to see a Sasquatch stroll by on the shoreline way too early in the morning. "That smelly simian sabotaged our secret fishing spot!", complained one irate fisherman. "Now we'll have to settle for fried fish sandwichs at a drive-through. I do like the pickles, though."

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, was cantankerous. "I'm really cantankerous today! First, my fabulous fly fishing expedition was ruined by a Bigfoot across the lake. Barnacles! Second, the Mayor of Oroville has dared to accused our paranoid but conspiratorial crypto-animal-secret-society of housing Sasquatch specimens in hidden research labs! What balderdash! We only keep Wuhan Lab Viral Specimens in an open petri dish. It's part of our 'cross-culture' program. Nothing to worry about! Nothing to see here! Wait a minute, I need to adjust my face-mask, I feel a bit woozy today." 

Sasquatch Versus Jogging Gang at Dive Bar! Run Away!

Inebriated Sacramento Joggers Astounded at Bigfoot Runner Confrontation! "Worse than a half-marathon!" 

Eye-witness accounts of a health-conscious Sacramento Sasquatch in full Bandit Runner Mode. He was also headed in the wrong direction. 

Sacramento Police barely averted a aerobically juiced riot when a savage ultra-marathoner Sasquatch barged into a notorious dive bar known to be frequented by weekend jogger gangs. A risky recipe for civil behaviour disorder!

 

Having Fromage malodorant accompagné d'un mauvais vin does not go well with Bigfoots nearby.

 

Patrons at the Joggers Bar, having jogged a weekend fun run, were busy drinking bad wine and eating bad cheese. The atmosphere was already tense and full of repressed violence. Attracted by the malevolent odors of mauvais fromage et vin de piètre qualité en décomposition, a ultra-marathon running Sasquatch was distracted from his 'run' and barged into the dive Joggers Bar, looking for the source of these (for him) delectable refreshments. 

 

"I hit the wall when that hairy running poseur showed-up. Seeing that beast steal our gourmand dishes was worse than the most irritating chafing of my groin area when jogging 4 block marathons!" A carefully paced bar fight was averted when the intruder grabbed a chunk of ancient cheese, a dusty wine bottle complete with screw-top, and darted out to rejoin the ultra-marathon race being held nearby. "The moron went in the wrong direction.", smirked a jogger-gang leader, "He's probably searching for a double cheeseburger with fries. Say, that's not a bad idea. Let's go, gang!"  

 

The marathon posing Sasquatch held a threatening unidentified object in its hands before snatching his precious jogging snacks. "French bread carbs can really hurt a jogger!" said a scared eye-witness.

 

Kiki Dumpster, a newly hatched bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, located in runner's high Yuba City, California, was doping on Bigfoot. "I'm doped! That's why I always win my over-a-certain-age class fun runs! Listen, I was there when that smelly marathoning animal barged in. It's lucky it left when it did, otherwise that mob of drunk joggers in the bar would have left the sandbagging Sasquatch with a nasty charlie horse!"

Holy Sasquatch Fungus! Cow Pasture Exploration, Magic Mushrooms, Bigfoot Sighting!

Bigfoot Research Team Bungles State Park Bigfoot Sighting! Mushrooms Prime Culprit!

A long-planned Sasquatch Field Expedition by the YETI NOT SETI Institute, deep into the wilds of China Camp California State Park, ended in utter fiasco. Before it was all over, Director-for-Life Karl Blinng lay comatose and drooling in cow patties from an overdose of locally grown mushrooms. Professional Sasquatch victim and bored member Divot Looney suffered severe simian hallucinations and freaked-out furry paranoia from Bigfoots flying around his head like dragonflies. Both 'scientific gentlemen' are still in an undisclosed rehab recovery center somewhere on South of Mission Street. 

Advice: Magic Mushrooms and Sasquatch make for a bad trip. 

Divot Freaks Out from Bigfoot Magic Mushroom Attack! With Blinng unconscious, who took that photo? Another unsolved Crypto-Mystery! 

Magic Fungus:

Divot was able to relate his harrowing experience, as Blinng has not yet recovered the ability to speak. "We were going to test our research-grade tinfoil caps, to see if residual brainwaves would occur when we wear them. Little did I know that Blinng had been distracted by bizarre mushrooms found in a small wooded area. He'd eaten mouthfuls of the stuff. Naturally I had to nibble a bit myself. The next thing I know, Blinng had passed out AND a horrible stench surrounded me... I'd taken a shower that morning so I knew it wasn't me. I looked around and there was a BIGFOOT about to ATTACK ME. Again, dang it! Weird thing was it had wings and glowed purple and spoke in Eastern Esperanto. Then more of the hovering beasts showed up. Then more! Bummer trip, man! I realized the mushrooms had something to do with this wild overdose... but of course it was too late. I managed to call 911 and ask for help. I also called a friend of mine and told him to harvest the rest of those 'shrooms and bring 'em to my place for processing." 

 

Botanists are attempting to identify the species of Mushrooms eaten and harvested. "My guess is these fungus are of Martian origin. When I was abducted last time by aliens, between internal probe experiments they let me eat some!", opined an expert in extra-terrestrial fungus.

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI-NOT-SETI Bored of directors, was confused. "I'm often confused, but this latest expedition fiasco beats them all for confusion! Who on that grassy knoll took that photo of Divot being terrified by buzzing Bigfoots? Blinng was out for the count. So who took that photo, eh? I think there is a third person involved! Not that I'm paranoid, but this looks like a conspiracy and both Mars and the CIA have a lot to answer for, again!"