Hawaiian Island of NOT-Maui Scene of Sasquatch Sighting! "Not a hairy tourist!"
(Editors Note: The Blog's creative-news-writing staff profusely apologize for any confusion caused from mistaking the BIG island of Hawaii with the scenic island of Maui-not-Hawaii. As a token of our sincerity, the Institute is shipping a large sample of moist bonafide Bigfoot excreta collected in San Francisco to a major Hawaiian museum, to be selected by whichever institution pays the least amount in protection money. I kiss your hand, Erk Holohead.)
The island residents of Hawaii required mass sedation after a series of disturbing reports of Bigfoot sightings across major tourist traps cunningly set to trap visitor Kālā kik, or as we locals like to say, Pala'oă mă'kă i hŏ'ŏwă'lĭ ĭ'ă.
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| Guess which one is the Hog. |
"Talk about your mainland invasive species! That Bigfoot was not only invasive it was obnoxious. How it got here is a complete mystery. Our fierce Chihuahua Patrols completely missed him!", said a local police spokesman sipping on a Not Maui Mule during his routine 3 hour lunch.
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| The Beast almost took a 3 hour tour, just a 3 hour tour. The Captain of the Ship barred the gang-plank. "Ahoy there! I have enough problems with my idiotic crew... get back you mangy land-lubber!" |
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| Hawaii Big Island not Maui Beaches attracted the beach-combing Sasquatch around sunset. "It ate 10 sets of car keys and 4 vape sticks found in the sand!" said a local surf bum. |
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| Hilo beach goers were shocked to see a Sasquatch roam the area, while the beast searched for not-so-fresh poke. |
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| Sasquatch meets a Hawaiian not Mauian Gorilla. Or an Ancient Inca Simian Space Alien? Enquiringly demented minds want to know. |
Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, which is located in the ukulele capital of the world in balmy Yuba City California, had something to say. "I have something to say! I was there on the island for vacat... official business. I was conducting very important research into the possibility that Sasquatches reached Hawaii years before humans arrived. I'm convinced the beasts floated on buffalo bladders and let prevailing currents take them to the islands. Anyway, that's what my grant proposal said. Some deep-pocketed idiot was stupid enough to fund my expedition, sucker. Errrrr, strike that last comment!"
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