Bigfoot Quockerwodger Alarms Quebec Province! Canada Convulsive!

Sasquatch Ape Wreaks Havoc in Montreal and Quebec City! No One Notices!

Ah Quebec... the home of Poutine, perennial Franco-secession, real maple syrup, and collapsing freeway overpasses. Yes, Quebec has a charm and beauty all its own... while the rest of Canada says "you can keep it!". But Nature has other plans! Migrating Sasquatches have been spotted in Montreal and Quebec City... and they are moving east in search of rancid poutine. There are intense fears these hairy beasts will eventually arrive in New Foundland, where they will pick up the strange and incomprehensable ways of Newfie communication. "An unnatural combination of Quebec French and Newfie English will be a diabolical disaster!", declared a serial linguist academic languishing in Ottawa. 

Bigfoot Crashes Grand Prix Cycliste de Québec! 

Major cycling road races are infamous for idiotic fans crossing the road in front of charging pelotons, team chaser cars, and determined old ladies with racing walkers. But a Bigfoot crossing the road at the wrong time is a first! The Peloton crashed in a mighty pile just yards from where the nasty beast darted in front of them. "The shock of seeing that furball, the stench, and the swarm of flies following IT was too much! We lost all control in the front, and the entire group went down. A few riders decided to retire from the sport on-the-spot and left their machines smashed and stinking on the road... contaminated by disgusting mangy mats of Bigfoot hair, thousands of fly droppings, hair lice everywhere, you name it! They don't pay us team riders enought for hazard pay!" 

 

T-Rex Versus Sasquatch! 

Nasty Jurassic Park Attack Scene in Montreal goes amock. The terrified Bigfoot reportedly barely escaped the attacking apex predator. The beast sought solace in yet more rancid poutine hiding in nearby trash bins. What is going on with "Quebec Man" and another hungry T-Rex behind the Bigfoot is open to conjecture. 

 

Bigfoot spotted in Quebec City! 

Château Frontenac escaped potential damage from the Sasquatch sneaking into the building, fortunately. The Fontaine de la Place d'Armes faired badly, as the Bigfoot both drank from the fountain and then proceeded to take a bath in it. City Sanitation workers say it will be months before the fountain is decontaminated. 

Bigfoot and Pandas in Montreal Botanical Gardens! 

An perplexed Uber-Panda tourist caught a photo of a Sasquatch serenely strolling through the gardens. "That Bigfoot was very courteous. It stopped to gaze at the Panda sculptures. It then sniffed and looked at my bag... and proceeded to grab all my organic-pestcatarian-fried-fish-jerky-snacks and scampered off! Sure IT was a smelly thief, but IT was a nice smelly thief!"  

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the illustrious Yeti Not Seti Institute, located in Francophone Yuba City, California, had something to say. "I have something to say! Pay attention you numbskulls! The recent Quebec Sasquatch sightings incident is amazing. I was very lucky to be there at the time, researching suspected ancient fossilized Bigfoot coprolites found on display at a dive Montreal Bar. The bar owner only wanted $3,000 American dollars for these precious samples! Of course, I paid him and took these precious poops back to the Institute for analysis. Some naysayers mock me and claim I was a dupe and paid good money for freeze dried (big) dog feces. They are fools. Fools, I tell you! You'll see!"

Sasquatch Catastrophe in Montreal!

Bigfoot Spotted At Mount Royal Park! Montréal en panique parfaite alors que Bigfoot est aperçu en ville!

Astounding amazed locals and visitors alike, an extremely rare North American Sasquatch was spotted taking in the views at Mount Royal Park in Montreal, Canada. The park was quickly emptied by Park Police with assistance from the Canadian Mounted Police, who scoured the park on foot - - their horses had taken one deep sniff of an aromatic bigfoot in the air and quickly announced an immediate safety related work-stoppage per Canadian Police Horses Union, local 121. "Well sure they would strike, wouldn't you? These horses are scared silly by Bigfoots." pronounced a local Poutine street vendor warily eyeing his inventory of the tasty-but-deadly snack, on vigilant guard for Bigfoots.  

Sasquatch scanning Montreal for his next meal. 

Fortunately for central Montreal, no further sightings of the clever beast were made. The ape creature appeared to wonder off towards Vermont. Police on both sides of the border are on intense surveillance. 

Idyllic scene shattered by Bigfoot appearance. Photo Bombed!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in monolingual Yuba City, felt a bit guilty about the whole mess in Montreal. "I sent one of our unpaid interns there to learn some French and bring me back some hot, steamy, dripping, heart-attack triggering Mac And Cheese Poutine, yum! Unfortunately while in the city she encountered this mangy sasquatch, which really messed up her olfactory nerves and allergies! Too bad we don't offer health insurance here. Oh well, the Poutine was magnificent!".

Erk Holohead, a Bored of Directors member of the institute, had an observation. "I visited Montreal a few years ago for one of these lovely open bar cocktail hour scientific Sasquatch conferences. It was all in French but it didn't matter, as long as the hotel open bar was open! At the time Montreal could boast of having not one but two mayors recently convicted of corruption. Locals were very proud of this achievement, as not even Chicago can boast this claim. Cabbies point out the unfinished rebar sticking out of roadway overpasses as sightseeing must-sees! Please be advised in Quebec the official language is French, and Montreal is no exception. I made the mistake of ordering a particularly unhealthy snack of Poutine from a street-vendor in English... not only was there social embarrassment, but my subsequent arrest by the language-police included 24-hour jail time while being forced to listen to the collected speeches of  Justin Trudeau in French. Desperately, I made a plea-bargain. Per the Judge's order I took the next flight out of Montreal. Unfortunately it was to Dushanbe, Tajikistan. Luckily, they didn't want me in their country either and they promptly put me on a flight back to the States."

In order to confirm to Quebec policies and requirements for this important information, a Google enhanced translation into French follows. Don't blame us. We all took high-school French*, but we've forgotten most of it. *Except for one poor lad who took German, as he is a linguistic masochist.

Official French Version follows:

OK, alors ce sasquatch dégoûtant s'est présenté au Parc Royal à Montréal et a semé la panique. Les chevaux de service de la Gendarmerie royale du Canada se sont mis en grève et ont refusé d'aider à retrouver le bigfoot. Même après avoir été menacés d'être transformés en steaks de cheval congelés et exportés vers la Belgique, les équidés refusent de servir. À la fin de la journée, l’homme-singe a disparu et a quitté la ville seul. Nous avons tous fini par manger des quantités prodigieuses de Poutine et boire de bonnes bières québécoises. Ces Américains qui ont écrit ce blog sont en fait des idiots.