ROBERTS REDWOOD PARK in RACK and RUIN! BIGFOOT BLAMED!

Suspicious Sasquatch Activity at Roberts Redwood Park! Bigfoot Attack! Mounds of Unauthorized Organic Fertilizer!

Roberts Regional Recreation Area was the scene of scurrilous Sasquatch savagery last week. Park officials are keeping very quiet. A massive simian cover-up is suspected!

A Precious Trees Habitat Enhancement Project has been put on hold following the discovery of a massive odorous animal scat from an unknown beast. "The entire area is badly contaminated! While we can't say what sort of critter actually left this digusting souvenir, we do know it suffured from severe digestion issues and loved old rancid fried foods, walked on two legs, and was extremely hairy from tip-to-toe. But we're flummoxed.", sighed a Park Ranger who was suiting up for the massive detox project, "This beast leaves dung piles bigger than any St. Bernard I ever knew!"  

Brave but gullible Divot Looney, a member of the bored of directors with the Yeti not Seti Institute, was conducting a scientific exploration of the park for signs of Sasquatches. He was attacked yet again! After being released from the emergency room, he asked why Dr. Karl Blinng, who lead the expedition, didn't attempt to save him from the beastly attack. Blinng cackled and said "I'm dumb BUT I'm not stupid! Better that Bigfoot attack Divot than me. Besides, I was taking pictures for my rabid social-media followers. Great Sasquatch content, especially when that ape-man almost tore Looney's head off! That was pretty funny."

Blinng made an amazing shot of the beast as it sauntered off after the attack on Looney. "This is a million dollar photo! I can sell this the National Prober for a lot of mullah! It was worth Looney almost losing his head."

Erk Holohead released a Yeti not Seti Institute propaganda, er, press release: "Billions of readers of this informative news blog are asking if Looney has recovered from his Bigfoot attack and is OK? Well, at least a few people are asking, mostly bill collectors. We're happy to announce that Looney has completely recovered from his horrendous ordeal and received a few hundred Venezuelan Bolivares in compensation from the Institute. Like we said, he's rather gullible." 

Sasquatch Hubbub in Helsinki! Sasquatch-kaaos Suomessa!

Poor Porvoo! Harrassed Helsinki! Sibileius "Momument" Mystery! Bigfoots!

Did we say Bigfoots in Finland?

Finland has been the scene of recent wild Bigfoot sightings and big 'adventures', which has inadvertently triggered deep-rooted controversy over fiendish Finnish modern-art monuments. A North American Sasquatch is to blame. "Typical American Tourist.", sniffed a trendy Kotikalja-sipping Suomi unemployed social-media sophisticate, coiffed with glow-in-the-dark purple hair and armored with numerous metallic facial piercings. 

Sasquatch spotted at Helsinki's Senate Square! Startled locals and tourists quickly fled the area, often getting lost or on the wrong bus in their eagerness to escape the wafts of furry fetidness permeating the area. 

Pretty Porvoo did not escape the hairy beast's presence. Spotted along the Porvoonjoki by amazed locals and alarmed fabulously furry dogs, the beast skulked along the riverbank and ate ancient rock-hard licorice. "Licorice is not amber, although they are similar in texture.", proclaimed a local licorice peddler.

Fierce Finnish defenses at Porvoo were useless against the beast. "Look, we sell the world's best black licorice and chocolates to tourists in our little town. We let Helsinki do all the heavy defense work. We aren't prepared to fight smelly Crypto-Creatures. Voi herranjumala, did that ape-man leave a mess!" said a stunned city sanitation employee. A anti-crypto-creature army spokesman did appreciate the "Bigfoot was Here" graffiti joke left on an antique artillery piece by the hairy one; "Kappas, we thought it was our demented puny Russian neighbor Pieni-Putin... it was!" 

The mid-century abstract 'modern art' monument dedicated to the composer Sibelius is at once considered remarkable, ugly, striking, silly, serious, goofy, memorable, controversial, and is generally agreed to be a massive waste of taxpayer Euros. As a consequence, the metal slag is beloved by much of Helsinki's culture vultures. A mysterious graffiti tag was coincidently discovered after the recent Sasquatch invasion, which only adds to the monument's reputation. "Well, the hairy beast wrote, 'What the Heck is THIS?' across the sculpture. We kind of like the vandal touch; it adds artful color and character." pontificated an effete Arts and Culture journalist no one actually reads.  

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI NOT SETI bored of directors, was peculiarly in Finland during the Sasquatch sightings. "It is truly a nordic mystery as to how this adventurous North American Bigfoot made it over to the Baltic countries. The real danger, of course, is that this furry beast might make itself at home in the endless fir-tree forests of the north in Finland and go native. What would the beast eat? Are fermented wild berries, magical mystery mushrooms, raw moose steak, disjointed deer joints, and old rancid deep-fried lihapiirakka stuffed into trash bins enough Sasquatch sustenance for these dense monkey-men to live on?"