Sasquatch Versus Jogging Gang at Dive Bar! Run Away!

Inebriated Sacramento Joggers Astounded at Bigfoot Runner Confrontation! "Worse than a half-marathon!" 

Eye-witness accounts of a health-conscious Sacramento Sasquatch in full Bandit Runner Mode. He was also headed in the wrong direction. 

Sacramento Police barely averted a aerobically juiced riot when a savage ultra-marathoner Sasquatch barged into a notorious dive bar known to be frequented by weekend jogger gangs. A risky recipe for civil behaviour disorder!

 

Having Fromage malodorant accompagné d'un mauvais vin does not go well with Bigfoots nearby.

 

Patrons at the Joggers Bar, having jogged a weekend fun run, were busy drinking bad wine and eating bad cheese. The atmosphere was already tense and full of repressed violence. Attracted by the malevolent odors of mauvais fromage et vin de piètre qualité en décomposition, a ultra-marathon running Sasquatch was distracted from his 'run' and barged into the dive Joggers Bar, looking for the source of these (for him) delectable refreshments. 

 

"I hit the wall when that hairy running poseur showed-up. Seeing that beast steal our gourmand dishes was worse than the most irritating chafing of my groin area when jogging 4 block marathons!" A carefully paced bar fight was averted when the intruder grabbed a chunk of ancient cheese, a dusty wine bottle complete with screw-top, and darted out to rejoin the ultra-marathon race being held nearby. "The moron went in the wrong direction.", smirked a jogger-gang leader, "He's probably searching for a double cheeseburger with fries. Say, that's not a bad idea. Let's go, gang!"  

 

The marathon posing Sasquatch held a threatening unidentified object in its hands before snatching his precious jogging snacks. "French bread carbs can really hurt a jogger!" said a scared eye-witness.

 

Kiki Dumpster, a newly hatched bored member of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, located in runner's high Yuba City, California, was doping on Bigfoot. "I'm doped! That's why I always win my over-a-certain-age class fun runs! Listen, I was there when that smelly marathoning animal barged in. It's lucky it left when it did, otherwise that mob of drunk joggers in the bar would have left the sandbagging Sasquatch with a nasty charlie horse!"

BigFoot Shocks Sacramento - - Lobbyists Terrified!

Elusive Sasquatch Invades Quasi-Official Sacramento Office Building!

Terrified lobbyist shocked at Sasquatch Sighting!

Horrified visitor to a California quasi-governmental lobbyist organization encounters a "repulsive" Bigfoot in the main lobby. "I has horrified! I was repulsive! ah... It was repulsive! So I'm in the elevator going up to the lobby, right? And I'm thinking, wow, the building smells like burning tires and really smelly socks... they must have finally cleaned the place up. But then the elevator door opens and I'm looking at a disgusting, goofy, flea-infested, bad-hair creature! Ok, my dog fits that description too, but he's not 7 feet tall. I'm going to need some serious aroma-therapy after this!"

Renegade Sasquatch surrenders to security camera.

Rare Ape-Man Caught on Security Camera: Sasquatch Sauvage roaming the halls of a quasi-governmental lobbyist organization just minutes from the California State Capitol. "Good thing we turned the camera on last night", said the head of security. "We're deep into a serious investigation.... catching a rogue employee suspected of taking all the popular coffee creamers from the break room."

"Technical difficulties slowed us down, but once IT told us to turn the power on and take the lens-cap off, it was 'lights-camera-action'. I'm calling that Blinng lunatic, we'll shake him down for a couple of grand for this photo, and maybe some free donuts! We are desperate for those little flavored coffee creamer cups, especially the anthrax-vanilla-curry ones?"

Sacramento police are searching the city for the hairy intruder. "We're tired of this BigFoot running around our fair city and scaring our good citizens. The animal no longer has a natural fear of lobbyists - - what happens if he loses his instinctual fear of legislators? We have to stop him NOW." said the city investigator for paleo-hominids, space monsters and evil-genius gerbils.

BigFoot Romps Through California State Capitol!

Sasquatch Meets Governator. State Police Not Amused....

Easily entertained but shell-shocked tourists claimed a 'sour smelling' Sasquatch ran past the Capitol security checkpoint but then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the Caulyfornia Governator, Aunold Alios Schwarzenegger in a video just inside the building... 
"The monkey-beast was mesmerized, like a kid watching TV.", said an ice cube lobbyist. "The ape-man thought Aunould was inside the flat-screen... he  jumped up and down yelling 'koooan! koooan!', then he ran down the hall chased by a wild-eyed state trooper. Man, you should have seen the fleas on that guy.... and on the Sasquatch too!"

Caught by state security camera... the BigFoot intruder runs past the Governator's office. "He looked scared silly" said a silly state assemblyman, who should know what silly is.

 

Sasquatch runs away: Chased by Capitol security, BigFoot bolted outside in panic through a 'No Exit' side-door, setting off exit alarms and triggering a massive ape-man hunt on the Capitol grounds..... "That fur-bag saw a large bear in front of Arnie's office and thought it was going to eat him. He flipped-out... I mean he lost it. He screamed like a little girl and ran away. What a wus!"

Sasquatch evades capture attempt! Escaping the Capitol building, the wiley BigFoot evaded a state police dragnet on the Capitol grounds and ran off in the direction of the Caulifornya Leek of Citiez. No permanent damage was done by the blundering Bigfoot,  but several indoor air quality monitors 'went off the charts' during the ape-man invasion. Experts say it will take weeks to fumigate the building.

Why did a wild BigFoot barge into the California State Capitol in Sacramento? Experts are clueless, again. "BigFoots hold Governator Aunold in high regard and treat him as a cult hero. We saw this fenonermone... phenomecon... ahhh... this stuff happen last year in Livermore" said the BigFoot Investigations Agency in Fresno, California. "These beasts think "Conan The Barbarian" is a documentary. Sasquatches can't read or write, but they know fine cinema when they see it. Word on the street is that they like "Predator" too. They don't like romantic comedies."

Junk Food Causes BigFoot Panic at High School

Cheese Puffs Trigger Sasquatch Savagery - - Sorry Students run for lives!

Sacramento Police, already dazed from several alien flying saucer invasion  investigations, are chasing down a "junk food crazed BigFoot" which raided a local high school this week.

"Apparently two naughty students at  the high school illegally fed a wandering BigFoot a gigantic bag of glow-in-the-dark orange cheese puffs, you know, the large bag 80 ounces for 89 cents stuff... I'm getting hungry just thinking about 'em! We think the 538 color-dyes used in this fine food product caused the Sasquatch to lose his mind - - these hairy beasts are highly sensitive to tasty snack food additives", said an animal control officer, munching on a box of fluorescent grape-avocado licorice whips.

According to the sorry students, sorry because they are in school detention hall for the next 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days, the fanatical Sasquatch "Went, like, totally nuts! He ate all the cheese puffs in, like, 2 seconds, and then, like, wanted more! We, like, threw him the empty bag and he ate that too! We escaped by climbing on a school gate and texting our best friends over and over again just because we could!" The BigFoot, distracted by the smell of pork rinds, ran off in pursuit of his next junk food meal.

University of Caulyfornia acting up at  Davis (UC Davis) junk food expert Putrick Derhamineggs warned the public, "Look, we're not supposed to feed the bears or gerbils, right? We're not supposed to feed the BigFoots either! Giving a Sasquatch tasty junk food is a recipe for mayhem, chaos, plunging stock markets and, eventually, severe environmental waste material disposal problems. Don't do it! Feed the ape-men raw tofu and organic bean sprouts... it helps their digestion. Hey, does anyone have any SlimJims around here? I'm starving!"

BIGFOOT ATTACK ON THE AMERICAN RIVER!

PANIC IN SACRAMENTO! More than Usual!
CITY ON ALERT AFTER RARE BIGFOOT ATTACK.

Two Sacramento baseball players had a close encounter with a suspected BigFoot. Garet Duntley, one of the eyewitnesses, said from his hospital bed that he and a fellow player were chasing a long ball that went into a park along the American River. "It was a cold overcast Saturday afternoon at the American River, and after finding the baseball we looked around and saw a creepy strange creature in the water, it looked like he was fishing for Salmon."

When spotted, the animal suddenly jumped out of the water and lunged into the bush. Seconds later BigFoot appeared and charged the eyewitnesses. "I think it got mad because we threw the baseball at it when it was fishing and whacked him in the head. When we laughed he really got mad" said Toney Torrezz, the other survivor of the attack. Bigfoot lunged at the victims and both of them fainted in total fright. When they recovered, BigFoot was gone. Only the baseball was left, ripped into tiny shreds by the creature. Sacramento Police announced that a "significant man-hunt, er, Sasquatch-hunt is going on, but we are having no luck. We're still dealing with a recent alien abduction and we're stretched right now!"

Dr. Karl Bling, world-famous Yeti, Sasquatch and BigFoot expert with a Ph.D. in Pseudo-Scientific Investigations of the Silly Sort and Director of the "Yeti-not-SETI" Research Institute in Yuba City California stated: "This is remarkable news. I have contacted the two gentlemen and have asked for more information. I am willing to pay $ 3,000 for the shredded baseball. I am sure we will find, at last, real Sasquatch DNA and fantastic Body-Odor scents!"