Skulking Socially Distant Sasquatch Skirts Serious Stay-at-Home Order in Berkeley! City Police and Health Department Officials in Frantic Search for the Hairy Beast!
A masked lumbering Sasquatch has been spotted in Berkeley California, sparking alarm from health officials dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic and lock-down enforcement. Speculation is rampant as to the motives and health of the beast. The Bigfoot is apparently following proper social distancing rules, wearing a mask when roaming the area while stealing fried foods and terrifying shocked squirrels and stupefied pigeons. Why would a Bigfoot show it's furry face (sort of) in the city now? |
| Masked and Socially Distant Sasquatch spotted by remote home camera in Berkeley. |
Ricard Scheister, Legal Counsel and 24-hour Bail Bondsman for the YETI-NOT-SETI Institute, has a theory on why the shaggy beast is prowling the city. "It's simple, really, even a Blinng or a Holohead can figure this one out. The University of California at Bezerkley is closed because of this nasty virus pandemic thingy. That means all dorm residents were kicked out, along with all the illegal pets they snuck into their dorms, including rattlesnakes, sharks, and unicorns. This poor excuse of an animal is a dormitory pet that escaped! The beast blends in with campus undergraduates and Telegraph Avenue minions. No one would notice until closer inspection revealed an oddly massive amount of body hair, no clothes, and regrettable personal hygiene habits. This sensible Sasquatch may have fled the dorms to escape notoriously bad dorm food and went commando months ago. We just don't know. We never do! As a shady lawyer, ah, as a lawyer who loves shade, I'm perfectly willing to consult on this vital matter.... I charge by the minute, major credit cards accepted."
Epidemiologists and Serious Space Alien researchers have been speculating for months now regarding a potential Wuhan China link between Yetis, Sasquatches, and ferociously feral hamsters. The Berkeley health department recommends everyone wear your masks and avoid hairy Sasquatches at all times.
