Lafayette Reservoir Radioactive as Suspected Sasquatch Stools Sustain Ongoing Panic!
An alarming Bigfoot sighting at the Lafayette Reservoir Recreation and Deep Sea Fishing regional park has forced authorities to close the area until further notice. Local residents are on a boil-water notice for tap water. Mysterious black helicopters stuffed with 'little green men' have swarmed the site to 'investigate' the incident.
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| Captured on a remote Park Camera, a Sasquatch triggered this astounding photo of a Sasquatch moving through heavy woods, marking his territory in the usual way. |
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| Sasquatch caught stalking a soon-to-be-hysterical hiker at the park. |
Eyewitness accounts claimed the beast was superficially peaceful, while sullen and obviously belligerent. "That hideously hairy humanoid was busy marking his territory", lamented one park day-tripper. "The clinging stench was like cat-pee times one hundred!"
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| Divot Looney trapped yet again by another nasty Bigfoot! |
Amateur Bigfoot hunter Divot Looney was hiking in the area when he was cornered by a Sasquatch, yet again. "This Sasquatch thing happens every damn time I foolishly agree go fly fishing or go look for extremely rare butterflies to impale on collection boards for that imbecile Dr. Karl Blinng. I just don't get it!" said Divot, dimly.
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| A fisherman trying to hook the rare Lafayette freshwater Sword Fish was rudely interrupted when the beast stole his fermenting bait. |
Dr. Karl Blinng, Director for Life of the YETI not SETI Institute in hydrated Yuma City, was coincidently at the Reservoir during the Sasquatch scare. Always with an eye towards the advancement of science, Dr. Blinng attempted to illegally collect extremely rare and endangered mosquitos. Blinng was also on the lookout for random Bigfoot DNA samples. He was sadly crestfallen. "I'm very demented and disappointed. I thought those urea infused marked trees and impressively mysterious piles of scat laying around were real Sasquatch calling cards. No! They were in fact 'souvenirs' of that Looney guy. When Divot saw that feral Bigfoot he literally s**t in his pants! We had to sneak out a side trail like common criminals to avoid a significant California EPA fine! Why we ever let Divot join the Bored of Directors is beyond me. Oh wait... he bribed us and he's playing his role perfectly. Never mind!"
