Bigfoot Spotted in Philadelphia! City of Brotherly Love Suspends Motto. Independence Hall and Terminal Market Hit in Broad Daylight!
Downtown Philly locals, bums, and lost tourists alike were astounded to see a bonafide backwoods Sasquatch prowl downtown Philadelphia and Independence Hall. City and National Monument Police quickly converged upon the afflicted areas but couldn't find the nasty culprit. They did find an illegally parked Martian flying saucer, however, and with great skill efficiently gave the vehicle a parking ticket for not paying the meter.
 |
| North American Sasquatch spotted skulking sultrily past Independence Hall! |
"We saw the beast!", said a stunned tour guide leading a pack of tourists past the hallowed site, "The kids got a thrill throwing left-over freetoe pies at the animal - - the beast seems to really like 'em when they soft and soggy, not crunchy. I'm talking about the pies, not the people, you idiot!"
The Philadelphia Terminal Market is famous for excellent cheese steak sandwiches and other local concoctions designed to give the hearty eater premature cardiac arrest. Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-life of the aspirational YETI Not SETI Institute in cheesy Yuba City, was visiting the Terminal Market when the ape-man struck. "I heard all the ruckus! I didn't actually see the simian, but I sure heard the yelling, things getting thrown around, and the strange odors wafting from the market... it was the beast I smelled, not the food! I think? Anyway, I had a great cheesesteak sandwich! A steaming two footer pile high with extra onions. Heart Attack on a Plate! Sure, I was comatose for a week but it was worth it!"
 |
| The same Bigfoot caught sneakily snooping around the inside of Independence Hall! |
The Park Service had to close the building for 3 days in order to fumigate the entire structure.
Security Cameras caught the beast entering the building later the same day, quickly forcing an evacuation as the hearty aromas brought to bear by the beast were described as intense and insulting.
 |
| Hungry Bigfoot apeing Rocky Balboa at the Philly Terminal Market, before diving into multiple Cheese Steak dumpsters. |
Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors at the YETI Not SETI Institute, had some uninvited hysterical historical perspectives to bring to the Bigfoot Philly Fiasco. "Look, it's a well-known fact that many of the Founding Fathers alluded to the existence of at least one bigfoot lurking amongst them. Thomas Jefferson was suspected by many. Benjamin Franklin was another suspect... initials BF... very subtle and just like him. Coincidence or...? I'm also convinced King George III was a full-blown sasquatch - what else could possibly describe his behavior? I'm written to King Charles, on Official Institute Stationary mind you, requesting DNA samples be taken for sasquatch analysis of himself, Prince Harry (Prince Hairy?), and King George III himself, may the old tyrant rest in peace. Nothing! No response, how rude! Well, except for my Passport being rejected by the UK government and classifed as Asinus Non Grata. I wonder if there's a connection?"
