NEW JOISEY NUMB AS SASQUATCH SIGHTINGS SOAR!

New Jersey Denizens See DOZENS of Bigfoots! Floating Flatulence in Air?

A panic is gripping New Jersey! (Translation: Nieu Joisey)

Mysterious enemy flying drones? Massive Martian Invasions? New York reclaims the Statue of Liberty? No! Something far, far worse: a ferocious furry flurry of smelly Sasquatch creatures is scouring the Garden State! Except for Newark International Airport... it's already scoured. 

Hey, who cut the cheese? Bigfoot is prime suspect in Joisey!

Reports of Sasquatch sightings are coming in from all parts of New Jersy. "Der I waz, sittin' in traffic like always on de Joisey Turnpike, doin' nuttin'. Then all a sudden, dis crazy ape-guy runs across the road - - chased by, I swear to God, a bunch of flies and a pack of demented howling chihuahuas! That monkey-man had his hands full of old disco fries. Dem dogs were gonna get a piece of that!", exclaimed a commuter. 

An amazing photo of a New Jersey Sasquatch in the wild, capturing the beast prowling the dense forests and swamps of idyllic Hoboken. The wonky wildlife photographer who took the shot has strangely disappeared. Police are looking for him in cement mixers across the state.

A bizarre exhibition focused on Sasquatches and Flying Drones opened at the same time sightings were reported. "25 dollahs per poisen they charge! Armed robbery I tell youse. Look, it's as if THEY knew this waz gonna happen, capish?" said an anonymous state official shaking down vending machines. No dough exchanged hands for this secret interview, got it?!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Chairman-For-Life of the YETI-not-SETI Institute located in swampy Yuba City, California, released this important statement for the press:

"We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying Bigfoots being seen in New Jersey. Furthermore... ah... wait a minute. Ahem! Let me rephrase that. My speech writer is an idiot. I'd fire him but he's blackmailed me so he keeps his job. Right! We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying alien DRONES seen in New Jersey. Bigfoots are spotted all the time. If we can just capture one of those hairy beasts alive.... gosh darn it to heck! But demented DRONES in Joisey? None in NYC or Philly? Who knew?"

Anxious Amsterdam Self-Medicates After Appalling Sasquatch Visit!

 Bigfoot Barges into Amsterdam! Barge operators in chaos! Semi-Controlled Substances sold out!

Quaint, picturesque and free-floating Amsterdam was stunned when a North American Sasquatch was seen lurking around the central district. "Dis hippie-beast really wondered around the tourist areas, causing many problems for us! Where are the Nationale Politie when needed?", exclaimed a frustrated local shop owner selling organically grown mood enhancers. 

Strange Sasquatch Beast spotted on Canal Tour Boat! Passengers were close to passing out after the on-the-water olfactory ordeal. 

"A one hour canal tour! It'll be fun, the tour guide said. That's what they promised!", said a tourist from Des Moines, Iowa. "Well, the nasty aromas venting from that Ape-man made it feel like a three hour tour! Yep, that's it... a threeeeee hour tour... excuse me I feel like getting sick!"

The Amsterdam Sasquatch was seen multiple times lurking in the Rembrandt Square
area day and night. "Ya sure, 'dis ape-man liked hanging around here,  you know? Plenty of  leftover fried Dutch fast food, good stale beer, and special gummys stuck on the sidewalk."

The Sasquatch lingered in a shop dedicated to a unique assortment of enhanced chocolates and gummy concoctions. Since none of the products were fried or rancid, the beast lost interest and searched for old soggy Oliebollens. "Oil Balls" in the King's English. 

Eyewitnesses claim the Beast walked into a shop which offers haircuts, tattoos, and whatever. Shocked, the store management pushed the hairy crypto-creature out and locked the door. "

The shop owner was firm in his response to this hairy invastion. "Maak je een grapje? Als we die harige gast een knipbeurt wilden geven, waren we failliet gegaan en was mijn personeel gestopt! Bovendien had die idioot geen geld. Hé, wil je wat tatoeages?" Translation: "Are you kidding me? Trying to give that furred dude a haircut would have bankrupted us, and my staff would quit! Besides, that fool had no money. Hey, you want some tattoos?"

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors of the laid-back and mellow YETI NOT SETI Institute in high-altitude Yuma City, California, was observant. "I observe", opined Holohead, "That Amsterdam is a unique city. You would think a lumbering Sasquatch would stick out like a sore duim, but the reality is the beast blended right in!"

Wonky Washington DC Woes Worsen as Bigfoot Spotted in Capital!

SASQUATCH SPOTTED NEAR NATION'S CAPITAL! FRANTIC SPOTS CLEAN-UP UNDERWAY BEFORE CONGRESS ESCAPES FOR HOLIDAYS!

A seriously lost lobster industry lobbyist caught the Sasquatch on camera near Congress. "Hey, I thought she/he/it/what? was a Senator! Only when I looked at the photo did I realize this creature was a Congressman."

A general but subdued total, complete, and yet underwhelming panic enveloped Washington DC this week after the Bigfoot sightings. As usual Federal security personnel are staying Mum. "We don't talk to no one! Unless some difficult conspiracy theory she/he/it/what? nut issues a Congressional Subpoena, then we'll talk at them but not to them. It's a great game. We deny, they imply! Keeps us all young." 

Sasquatch strolls by the Smithsonian Museum. Primate pandemonium erupted in the Anthropology department, with several senior Ph.D.'s submitting their retirement notices.

The Smithsonian Museum was hit by a Bigfoot walk-by just hours after the Capital Hill sighting. Turmoil erupted in the museum, sparking intense debates on how to treat this overwhelming evidence that North America is home to at least two humanoid (bigfootoid) species! 

A special museum ideology squad quickly pivoted to include Sasquatch into their ongoing narratives attacking politically incorrect aspects of history. "It's obvious these suppressed hairy-enhanced creatures are victims of systemic species-ism, forest imperialism, and greedy corporate fast-foodism scraps.", sniffed a senior DEI HR manager. "Only entitled home sapiens would see otherwise. Flea infestations, public defecations, body stench, food scraps and clouds of flies are part of Sasquatch cultural heritage - - to be embraced! We might propose sending crazy crypto-reactionary humans to reeducation camps - - once we get past the next four unpleasant years. I may move to Canada anyway, at least I keep threatening to?" 

Bigfoot spotted at the Thinking Rabbit Statue. Why Not?

Dr. Karl Blinng, President for Life of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in sparking Yuba City, California, was philosophical about the recent Bigfoot sightings in the nation's capital. "Washington DC is full of career politicians and family members with partial or full Sasquatch ancestry, how else can their behaviors be explained? Drugs? Stupidity? Bribes? Poor Personal Hygiene? Naaaaaah. It all comes down to bigfoots! Until Bigfoot DNA testing becomes mandatory, we'll never know how many congressmen, senators, presidents, supreme court justices, federal reserve officials, dog-catchers and many other federal employees are in fact bigfoots or partial bigfoots. Saints Preserve Us!"