Scurrilous San Diego Sasquatch Sighting!

 Bigfoot spotted in San Diego! Demented Denizens Disbelieve Their Affronted Eyes.

Encinitas, California locals, Venezuelan Cartel members, and tourists alike were shocked to see what appeared to be a bizarre bona-fide crypto-creature ambling thorough the dazed streets of this idyllic Pacific Coast town.
 

An amazed tourist caught a Bigfoot in camera, minutes after a "Bigfoot Poop Alert" Map was hastily updated in Encinitas, California. 

The creature appeared smitten and puzzled by a day-of-the-dead maiden statue. "I think the beast was working up the courage to ask her out on a date. The aroma of old fried tortillas eventually distracted him away."

Bigfoots and Refried Beans: An unfortunate combination!

Sasquatch spotted at the statue of Spanish Explorer Juan Cabrillo. Speculation has long swirled around Cabrillo - - did he discover Bigfoots, or just California beach bums? 

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI-NOT-YETI Institute located in the surfer's paradise of Yuba City, California, had some Sasquatch theories to share. "I have some theories to share. I conceived of these brilliant theorems all by myself, after extensive thought, cold pizza, and a bottle of top-shelf tequila. Namely, Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo was himself a bigfoot! Who else but a Sasquatch would squander his massive fortune searching the parched coast of Southern California for water, food, and crushed ice? Then eventually die from a broken leg on Catalina Island?"

My other genius theory is just a brilliant. The SoCal Freeway system was designed and implemented by Bigfoots! Nothing else can explain the I-405. Absolutely nothing."

Tahiti Titillates as Sasquatch Sullies Surfing Competition!

French Polynesia Pummeled as Barging Bigfoot Breaks Taboos!  Papeʻete Panics!

Forget grass skirts, coconuts, and beautiful hula girls. Forget balmy breezes, Firi firi, and romantic tropical sunsets. No, forget it all. A nasty Bigfoot has stepped ashore. "Tahiti may never recover from this insult!", explained a shocked te pae tahatai beach bum sipping on a high-octane pia, "Why would a smelly Sasquatch would come here to our island paradise, of all places! Send it back where it came from!"

Ape-man captured on camera at Tahiti beach during sunset. "That was no beautiful tropical island girl! Nice hair, though..."

The beast mysteriously appeared during the French Olympics, where Tahiti was hosting both the World Champion Surfing and  competitive Bubble-Bath competitions. 

Grotesque and gamey simian sighting near the Grottes de Mara's cave complex.  

Tahitian animal control officials suspect the creature was hiding-out in the Grottes de Mara's caves between rancid fried-food raids, but the island police were too disgusted to find out. 

The Sasquatch spotted at a local shopping mall searching for a Polynesian food-court and spreading mites, tics and odeurs nauséabondes et désagréables in the process. The famous untrademarked Olympics Symbol in the background, rivaling the logo super-glued onto the Eiffel Tower, had to be fumigated and restored at great cost. 

Clues abound, but airline and customs officials are left absolutely clueless!

How did the beast barge into Tahiti? How did it get there? These questions are stumping pseudo-naturalists and cryptozoologists across Oceania. Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YET NOT SETI Institute located in Yuba City (the South Pacific of California's Central Valley), has some ideas. "I have an idea! It's even my own idea. I'm rather excited about it. This Bigfoot came over in a modified outrigger canoe! Very modified. As in, it was as wide as a whale, ah... so was the outrigger. Why did it cross the Pacific Ocean from the USA to Tahiti? How do I know? Do I know what goes on in the Sasquatch Mind? Don't be a fool. I barely know what goes on in my own head!"

¡No otra vez! Asqueroso Bigfoot Sighting in Cartagena Colombia!

Mystery Ape-Man Mingles with Mortified Touristas in Old Town Cartagena!

Confounding local police and customs officials, a yanqui bigfoot was discovered tagging along with a tour group in the old town section of Cartagena. The cursed tour originated from the cruise ship "Catastrophe of the Seas". Colombian officials say the simian was a stowaway on the ship and managed to return to the same vessel after the 5 hour excursion... "A walking tour of old town Cartagena in high heat and humidity, Bataan Death March Style! Refreshments Served."

The tour group completely ignored the Bigfoot, mesmerized as they were by the lovely Getsemani area, the amazing heat and humidity levels, and the variety of Pablo Escobar t-shirts on sale everywhere.  

An observant local lounging around at the Plaza Aduana spotted the Sasquatch in the afternoon. "I could not believe my eyes! I ask them, I ask my eyes, I ask them 'my eyes, what are you seeing here?' I first I thought it was that nasty dictator in Venezuela, Manure or Maduro, I can't really remember his name. But then I see this beast in the plaza was not exactly human, you understand? It was a caveman gone wrong!"

This Sasquatch infestación is not the first time these rabid beasts have been spotted in Colombia. An infamous sighting occurred in 2013 in the beautiful city of Bogotá. The monkey-man animal panicked local business types and caused a mini-recession in the downtown sector for months. Fortunately, no Bigfoots were spotted again until this recent shock from Cartagena. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in tropical Yuba City, expressed dismay. "I am dismayed! Poor Colombia gets hit again by a hairy hominid animal with questionable personal hygiene habits. Coincidently I was in Bogotá in 2013 and Cartagena in 2024 when both great cities were subjected to this Sasquatch business. In fact, I was also on the "Catastrophe of the Seas". This is purely an amazingly improbable coincidence, you understand."

A NEW BIGFOOT SIGHTING IN SHOCKED SINGAPORE!

SINGAPORE SLAPPED SILLY AGAIN WITH SASQUATCH SORTIE!

The usually well contained island nation of Singapore was rudely subjected to a new Bigfoot sighting, causing rare disorder in this most orderly of nations. 

Infiltrating Bigfoot Versus Pink Orchid Singapore Bambi. 

"I say, we were visiting a most exciting Orchid Garden Park in Singapore when IT happened.", said a shocked tourist. "We really like the paintings showing flowers and animals in colors not found in nature, except for at Chernobyl. Suddenly, this vile smelly animal appeared in the park and made a foul stench! At first I thought it was my mother-in-law, but to my horror it was a gigantic hairy ape-man! The beast appeared to be interested in junk food thrown into the local dustbins. It tried to eat an orchid but spit it out... too vegan for him I think?" 

Bigfoot spotted at Changi Airport! Did it actually board a transpacific flight?

The same day, a local Singaporean about to board a gambler's direct flight to luxurious Las Vegas was astounded to see the same ape-man lounging around Changi Airport. "I was amazed! I immediately called my bookie check on the odds of a Sasquatch ever venturing into Changi, it is around One Trillion to one against! I took that bet for the future... it's a sure thing. I didn't spot him on the flight... wherever he went it wasn't Vegas."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-for-Life of the Luxurious YETI not SETI Institute, was skeptical of this recent Bigfoot sighting. "In my years of intense study into Sasquatch behavior, DNA, bodily fluids, and mating habits, I've never encountered a Bigfoot eating orchids. But consider... if the hairy 8 foot tall beast ever made to The Strip in Las Vegas I bet no one would notice him in the crowds. They've seen 'em all. He'd just blend in. And if he had $100 on him they'd let him try out their slot machines!" 

Institute Team Reviews and Regurgitates Sasquatch Sunset Nature Film Documentary

Movie Review: "Sasquatch Sunset" Gets ONE FINGER FLIP SALUTES from YETI not SETI Institute Members!

Dr. Karl Blinng and Mr. Divot Looney, members of the bored of directors for the YETI not SETI Institute, volunteered to pay good American Money to watch the exciting new Bigfoot film "Sasquatch Sunset" in a real move theatre. The unforgettable theatre experience was complete with navigating around sleeping drunks, stepping on old popcorn/gum mixtures stuck on the floor, and enduring a barrage of mediocre movie promotions before the big screening.  

Unsuspecting researchers Looney and Blinng before subjecting themselves to the intense Sasquatch Nature Documentary "Sasquatch Sunset".

Blinng gives "Sasquatch Sunset" a ONE FINGER SALUTE rating: 

"There are no words to describe what I saw. I was driven to watch this ground-breaking crypto-movie out of curiosity. Morbid curiosity, as it turned out. I was driven by in the interests of pseudo-science, along with a strong feeling of jealously since we didn't think of this cinematic masterpiece first. I felt it my obligation to watch it and savor the experience." 

"For me the most disgusting, ah, the most impressionable moment in the documentary came when the intrepid band of Sasquatches discovered a logging road, became upset, and proceeded to excrete every Bigfoot bodily fluid imaginable onto the road's surface. What a moment! I told Looney this film was a ground-breaking cryptozoological nature documentary. He had no clue what he was in for."

"This masterpiece will takes its rightful place alongside such great classics as 'Pink Flamingos', 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', and dare I say it... 'Plan 9 from Outer Space'. Of all the movies I've ever seen, this was one of them."

Looney awards a ONE FINGER FLIP SALUTE to "Sasquatch Sunset":

"Look, I was essentially kidnapped and brought to that movie theatre against my will. Blinng is insane and will stop at nothing to find evidence of bona fide Bigfoots, usually using me as Sasquatch-bait each and every time. But I trusted him on this score, he said this was a novel nature documentary. What an incredible movie! Sasquatch Sunset is the only movie that has made me cry recently... I could have used that $12 admission for so many other things, sniff."

"Never have I been so grateful that one can't smell a movie! In this case smelling the screenplay would have been a crime against humanity, let alone Bigfoot-ity."

In an incredible coincidence, a movie patron captured a photo of what appeared to be a Bigfoot sneaking into the showing of "Sasquatch Sunset" without paying. The theatre manager was philosophical about it: "Well, what else would you expect a crypto-beast like that to do? I mean, they don't carry around Louis Viton wallets or purses, do they?"

Ricard Scheister Esquire, the Institute's 24-7 on-retainer legal counsel, bail bondsman and 'Mr. Fixit' expressed concern that the Institute wasn't offered any movie-credit, movie-input, and most importantly, movie-royalties regarding this nature documentary. "Say... why didn't WE get a fat cut in the profits? Or a nice percent of the box office sales, huh? Where's that damn fool lawyer of ours! Oh, wait a minute..."

Amazing Aruba Attack by AWOL Bigfoot!

Aruba Aroused by Audacious Sasquatch Abominations!

The touristy Southern Caribbean island of Aruba was the victim of a recent Bigfoot raid, causing panic amongst locals, tourists, small birds and stray mammals alike. "All the piles of disgusting clues point to a strong odiferous suspicion the Sasquatch arrived on a cursed cruise ship and left the same way.", declared a shaken local shop owner.

Bigfoot spotted in Oranjestad. 

Iconic windy Aruba bliss ruined by Bigfoot Sighting: 

Sales of cheap refrigerator magnets dropped by 75% for several hours as tourists panicked. However, local beer sales jumped 250% per local shop owners.

Oranjestad emergency Sasquatch Poop-Map and smell-zone updates. 

The beast left a trail of astonishing volumes of Sasquatch excrement and other bodily fluids during his invasion. The rather raw organic materials deposited by the creature were left to reek in the tropical sun throughout the capital city of Oranjestad, prompting the local sanitation department to go on strike, close shop, and declare a special week's emergency holiday. In a fear-of-recall election panic, the intrepid city council politicos came up with an emergency Bigfoot "Poop Map", inspired by the City of San Francisco's chronic wokey doom-loop problems. "Watch your feet, all walkers beware! Galiña ta laba ku e awa ku e tin!" declared City Hall with awe-inspiring confidence.

Sasquatch beast loitering at Wilhelmina Park. The Queen was not amused.

Aruba's sister island Curaçao was hit by a similar Sasquatch visitation only days before. Authorities on both islands strongly suspect the beast is a stowaway on a casually run cruise ship and is heading to other nearby ports. In response, a major cruise line industry organization, Cruise Line International Of Absconders (CLIOA), declared 'no comment', 'force majeure', 'endangered species act' and denied all responsibility, as usual. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors at the illustrious YETI not SETI Institute in aromatic Yuba City, California, was intrigued. "I'm intrigued! First Curaçao gets hit by this hairball, then Aruba. There is only one cruise ship in the region which fits the exact timeline - "Rapunzel of the Seas"! The cunning ape-man must be a stowaway on that ship. If I'm right, the next stop will be Cartagena, Colombia. Poor Colombia! They should rename this ship "Catastrophe of the Seas"!

Curaçao Crumbles from Bigfoot Sightings!

Sasquatch Sallies onto Curaçao Island! Seriously!

Certified* Cryptologists all over the known world are agog at news a North American Bigfoot has been spotted on the Southern Caribbean island of Curaçao. Local tourism authorities strenuously deny the rare beast is a local ape-man. A local north island resident was sure of the Sasquatch source: "It must have come in on one of dos nasty cruise ships that keep showin' up like dirty pirates. Nasty things! Yama polis!"

Sasquatch or Cruise Ship Tourist? Hairy beast spotted at Playa Kenepa Grandi. 

"It coulda been much worse!", exclaimed a local alcohol-infused-tropical-smoothie stand owner at the Kenepa Grandi Beach, "At least dat animal didn't go for a nasty swim. Could you image? That beautiful turquoise wata becoming infested with monkey-fleas, ape-lice, and whatever else was clinging to that awful beast's mangy fur? Bai awo!" 

Sasquatch sighting at the Shete Boka National Rain Forest. 

The exotic hominid even showed up in one of the most lush, densely grown, tropical parts of Curaçao - Shete Boka National Park. OK, we were paid to write that, as we're money-grubbing hacks with no sense of journalist ethics in our bones. Shete Boka is actually desolate, arid, rugged, wind-blown and nearly lifeless... not unlike parts of extreme West Texas, the planet Mars**, or Big-Box store parking lots. 

Wandering around or lost? Unexplained Sasquatch presence has biologist scratching their heads and other body parts. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute in the island paradise of Yuba City, California, had this to say about that. "I have that to say about this. Bigfoots are not native to Curaçao. Heck they aren't native to Yankee Stadium, either! But there you go... a bona fide Bigfoot sighting on this formerly lovely tropical island in the Southern Caribbean. It may take years for the island's tourism industry to recover from the simian shock. If they're lucky the beast was a stowaway on a clueless cruise ship and managed to sneak on back on board for parts unknown. I fear for Aruba! Things are not "Dushi" in Curaçao right now!

*All Cryptologists, along with Alien Astronaut Theorists, are 'certified' in one form or another. 

**Extraterrestrial Sasquatch sightings have been made on the planet Mars. Truth! Just ask Percival Lowell, deceased. 

News Flash: Aruba has been hit by a Sasquatch Soiree! Aruba Aroused by Audacious Sasquatch Abominations!

SINGAPORE IN SLING AFTER BIGFOOT ATTACKS!

 Singapore Slapped Silly by Barging Bigfoot Bumbler!

The Famously Weird and Wonderful Merlion Fountain Statue inspired this Sasquatch to do something very nasty. When Cryptocreatures meet, it rarely goes well. 

The normally well-behaved, super-clean and super-expensive nation of Singapore was thrown into a rare State of  Stupefaction by the appearance of a North American Sasquatch this week causing panic, consternation and whopping littering fines. A local resident describes the chaos: “I had no plans today, I was just gonna lepak at Merlion Park and have a few Tiger Beers with my gang. Suddenly out of the crowd this huge hairy beast, NOT an Australian Hippie, ran over to a Merlion Fountain and just stood there gazing at it in wonder. Then, IT happened. The monster man turned around, calmly looked at the harbor, growled in imitation of the fish lion and proceeded to urinate copious volumes of Sasquatch Pee into the ocean for 10 terrifying minutes. Fish were jumping out of the water trying to escape the torrent. Wah lau! Of course we were amazed, lah?”

The famous Raffles Hotel was not sparred scurrilous Sasquatch indignities. 

Singapore Slings went on sale at the unheard of discount of 50% off to calm down agitated guests after the Bigfoot wondered through the hotel, scooping up any fried foods it could find.

The Bigfoot Beast attempted to enter to the Marina Bay Sands SkyPark in search of, well, whatever Sasquatches search for, but he was foiled when the Police left a trail of day-old fish-head-curry leading towards Malaysia. 

Singapore's National Police Force issued a press statement after the beast had disappeared in a manner as mysteriously murky as when the ape-thing first made his amazing appearance. "Siao! Quit bothering us with your phone calls! Call Animal Control, you idiots!" Singapore Animal Control would not answer any calls, either. 

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the questionable YETI NOT SETI Institute for the study of cryptozoology and fleecing investors, was coincidently visiting Singapore on a fact-finding mission. "Drat it to heck! I was in the same city conducting research and the focus of my entire professional career was just a few miles away from me! I couldn't even collect Sasquatch bodily fluid samples - the beast had peed into Singapore Harbor and it was impossible to receive any DNA samples. My original mission was a success, however. I've discovered that Tiger Beer and Anchor Beer are pretty good! Singapore Slings at an amazing 50% discount at the Raffles Hotel is also a great find. Fish-head-curry is best left undiscussed."

Erk Holohead, a member of the Institute's Bored of Directors, had visited Singapore previously and had a few comments. "I never saw a Bigfoot in Singapore, but managed to sample much of the local food and liquid refreshments along with a scenic tour of the Jurong Island petrochemical complex during my visit. Except for Zurich and Disneyworld, I've never seen such a seriously clean place. I was very careful about chewing gum there. Singapore won't tolerate litter! Whenever I did chew gum, I respected local laws and carefully and considerately placed each wad under a restaurant table or someone else's bar stool... just like in the States! I respect local laws and traditions, especially if there are investable funds at stake!"

Bigfoot Terrorizes Taiwan!

 Sasquatch Sighting in Taipei! Taiwanese Traumatized! Macaques missing in action!

In an amazing appearance, a rogue North American Bigfoot dumpster-dived a 7-Eleven in Taipei. This famous local restaurant is known for it's savory fried fast food, condiments, and gas.  

The crypto-hairball incident set off a mild diplomatic kerfuffle, with the Taiwanese government pointing a middle finger at China, Canada, and/or the USA as the source of this highly unwelcome intruder. Of course the suspect governments all pointed middle fingers at each other, except Canada. The Canadian government was too nice to respond with such a rude hand gesture, and sincerely apologized that if the Bigfoot was in fact Canadian they would properly apologize for not properly apologizing in the first place. 

How the beast arrived to bother Taiwan is a mysterious mystery. A suspicious traveler from San Francisco is an intense subject of interest. "I was wondering why a passenger in the first-class cabin had so much hair, drank too much cognac, read the Financial Times upside down, and stank to high heaven.", said one of the stewardii on board the flight. "We had to delouse the plane upon landing. You may be assured no escape hatches fell of during the flight, though we were hoping one would and suck this unhygienic passenger out into the Pacific Ocean!" 

No such Sasquatch sucking out the hatch occurred, and upon landing the mysterious simian passenger apparently made it past customs and was free to roam the unsuspecting city at will. 

First Contact: Cousins Meet? The Locals were not impressed. Macaques mortified. 

Locals were amazed to see the beast eagerly chow-down chòu dòufǔ, known at "stinky tofu". Stinky tofu has an aroma which allegedly sickens most round-eyes, but according to Taipei city dwellers, the dish is a uniquely fermented concoction of tofu cubes extra-deep-fried in rancid pig lard. The Sasquatch couldn't get enough of this local 'treat'. 

Macaques Mystery!

While the Bigfoot was wolfing down leftover and mysteriously popular street foods, the Macaques in the area became quite restless. The world famous Uncle Mo, Larry, and Curley Macaque Park was the scene of a first contact between the Bigfoot and a milling mob of (what else?) Macaques. The chance encounter did not go well. The simians did not get along. In fact, after flinging monkey poo at the Sasquatch, the Macaques beat a hasty retreat out of the park.  The mob only returned well after the big ape had left the scene. The Sasquatch seemed indifferent to the little monkeys and disappeared in the city again to seek out more rancid chòu dòufǔ. Authorities are still searching for the hominid, however it's thought the animal slipped past customs (again) and hitchhiked a ride back to North America. 

Dr. Karl Bling, President-for-Life of the YETI not SETI Institute, had few comments to make during a sparsely attended press conference in exotic Yuba City. "I have a few comments to make concerning this Taipei business. First, where the hell are all the journalists, social influencers, and bloggers!? I'm about to issue some big news! Well, screw 'em anyway, a bunch of puff-balls. I'm sending a very gullible nephew of mine to Taipei. He's interning at our prestigious institute and I pay him squat, that's why I use him, sucker. He's looking for DNA scrapes leftover from the beast. What's that? How is he getting there? It sure ain't going to be in first-class drinking cognac, not on my dime! I'm looking at booking him on an old rust-bucket freighter carrying bananas from Central America to Taiwan. A very cheap one-way transit. If the crew are nice they might let him have some leftovers to eat. If he finds any Sasquatch DNA I'll let him come back on a cut-rate fishing trawler, I hear the sashimi is great."

Sasquatch Catastrophe in Montreal!

Bigfoot Spotted At Mount Royal Park! Montréal en panique parfaite alors que Bigfoot est aperçu en ville!

Astounding amazed locals and visitors alike, an extremely rare North American Sasquatch was spotted taking in the views at Mount Royal Park in Montreal, Canada. The park was quickly emptied by Park Police with assistance from the Canadian Mounted Police, who scoured the park on foot - - their horses had taken one deep sniff of an aromatic bigfoot in the air and quickly announced an immediate safety related work-stoppage per Canadian Police Horses Union, local 121. "Well sure they would strike, wouldn't you? These horses are scared silly by Bigfoots." pronounced a local Poutine street vendor warily eyeing his inventory of the tasty-but-deadly snack, on vigilant guard for Bigfoots.  

Sasquatch scanning Montreal for his next meal. 

Fortunately for central Montreal, no further sightings of the clever beast were made. The ape creature appeared to wonder off towards Vermont. Police on both sides of the border are on intense surveillance. 

Idyllic scene shattered by Bigfoot appearance. Photo Bombed!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-For-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in monolingual Yuba City, felt a bit guilty about the whole mess in Montreal. "I sent one of our unpaid interns there to learn some French and bring me back some hot, steamy, dripping, heart-attack triggering Mac And Cheese Poutine, yum! Unfortunately while in the city she encountered this mangy sasquatch, which really messed up her olfactory nerves and allergies! Too bad we don't offer health insurance here. Oh well, the Poutine was magnificent!".

Erk Holohead, a Bored of Directors member of the institute, had an observation. "I visited Montreal a few years ago for one of these lovely open bar cocktail hour scientific Sasquatch conferences. It was all in French but it didn't matter, as long as the hotel open bar was open! At the time Montreal could boast of having not one but two mayors recently convicted of corruption. Locals were very proud of this achievement, as not even Chicago can boast this claim. Cabbies point out the unfinished rebar sticking out of roadway overpasses as sightseeing must-sees! Please be advised in Quebec the official language is French, and Montreal is no exception. I made the mistake of ordering a particularly unhealthy snack of Poutine from a street-vendor in English... not only was there social embarrassment, but my subsequent arrest by the language-police included 24-hour jail time while being forced to listen to the collected speeches of  Justin Trudeau in French. Desperately, I made a plea-bargain. Per the Judge's order I took the next flight out of Montreal. Unfortunately it was to Dushanbe, Tajikistan. Luckily, they didn't want me in their country either and they promptly put me on a flight back to the States."

In order to confirm to Quebec policies and requirements for this important information, a Google enhanced translation into French follows. Don't blame us. We all took high-school French*, but we've forgotten most of it. *Except for one poor lad who took German, as he is a linguistic masochist.

Official French Version follows:

OK, alors ce sasquatch dégoûtant s'est présenté au Parc Royal à Montréal et a semé la panique. Les chevaux de service de la Gendarmerie royale du Canada se sont mis en grève et ont refusé d'aider à retrouver le bigfoot. Même après avoir été menacés d'être transformés en steaks de cheval congelés et exportés vers la Belgique, les équidés refusent de servir. À la fin de la journée, l’homme-singe a disparu et a quitté la ville seul. Nous avons tous fini par manger des quantités prodigieuses de Poutine et boire de bonnes bières québécoises. Ces Américains qui ont écrit ce blog sont en fait des idiots.