Tahiti Titillates as Sasquatch Sullies Surfing Competition!

French Polynesia Pummeled as Barging Bigfoot Breaks Taboos!  Papeʻete Panics!

Forget grass skirts, coconuts, and beautiful hula girls. Forget balmy breezes, Firi firi, and romantic tropical sunsets. No, forget it all. A nasty Bigfoot has stepped ashore. "Tahiti may never recover from this insult!", explained a shocked te pae tahatai beach bum sipping on a high-octane pia, "Why would a smelly Sasquatch would come here to our island paradise, of all places! Send it back where it came from!"

Ape-man captured on camera at Tahiti beach during sunset. "That was no beautiful tropical island girl! Nice hair, though..."

The beast mysteriously appeared during the French Olympics, where Tahiti was hosting both the World Champion Surfing and  competitive Bubble-Bath competitions. 

Grotesque and gamey simian sighting near the Grottes de Mara's cave complex.  

Tahitian animal control officials suspect the creature was hiding-out in the Grottes de Mara's caves between rancid fried-food raids, but the island police were too disgusted to find out. 

The Sasquatch spotted at a local shopping mall searching for a Polynesian food-court and spreading mites, tics and odeurs nauséabondes et désagréables in the process. The famous untrademarked Olympics Symbol in the background, rivaling the logo super-glued onto the Eiffel Tower, had to be fumigated and restored at great cost. 

Clues abound, but airline and customs officials are left absolutely clueless!

How did the beast barge into Tahiti? How did it get there? These questions are stumping pseudo-naturalists and cryptozoologists across Oceania. Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YET NOT SETI Institute located in Yuba City (the South Pacific of California's Central Valley), has some ideas. "I have an idea! It's even my own idea. I'm rather excited about it. This Bigfoot came over in a modified outrigger canoe! Very modified. As in, it was as wide as a whale, ah... so was the outrigger. Why did it cross the Pacific Ocean from the USA to Tahiti? How do I know? Do I know what goes on in the Sasquatch Mind? Don't be a fool. I barely know what goes on in my own head!"

¡No otra vez! Asqueroso Bigfoot Sighting in Cartagena Colombia!

Mystery Ape-Man Mingles with Mortified Touristas in Old Town Cartagena!

Confounding local police and customs officials, a yanqui bigfoot was discovered tagging along with a tour group in the old town section of Cartagena. The cursed tour originated from the cruise ship "Catastrophe of the Seas". Colombian officials say the simian was a stowaway on the ship and managed to return to the same vessel after the 5 hour excursion... "A walking tour of old town Cartagena in high heat and humidity, Bataan Death March Style! Refreshments Served."

The tour group completely ignored the Bigfoot, mesmerized as they were by the lovely Getsemani area, the amazing heat and humidity levels, and the variety of Pablo Escobar t-shirts on sale everywhere.  

An observant local lounging around at the Plaza Aduana spotted the Sasquatch in the afternoon. "I could not believe my eyes! I ask them, I ask my eyes, I ask them 'my eyes, what are you seeing here?' I first I thought it was that nasty dictator in Venezuela, Manure or Maduro, I can't really remember his name. But then I see this beast in the plaza was not exactly human, you understand? It was a caveman gone wrong!"

This Sasquatch infestación is not the first time these rabid beasts have been spotted in Colombia. An infamous sighting occurred in 2013 in the beautiful city of Bogotá. The monkey-man animal panicked local business types and caused a mini-recession in the downtown sector for months. Fortunately, no Bigfoots were spotted again until this recent shock from Cartagena. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in tropical Yuba City, expressed dismay. "I am dismayed! Poor Colombia gets hit again by a hairy hominid animal with questionable personal hygiene habits. Coincidently I was in Bogotá in 2013 and Cartagena in 2024 when both great cities were subjected to this Sasquatch business. In fact, I was also on the "Catastrophe of the Seas". This is purely an amazingly improbable coincidence, you understand."