Anxious Amsterdam Self-Medicates After Appalling Sasquatch Visit!

 Bigfoot Barges into Amsterdam! Barge operators in chaos! Semi-Controlled Substances sold out!

Quaint, picturesque and free-floating Amsterdam was stunned when a North American Sasquatch was seen lurking around the central district. "Dis hippie-beast really wondered around the tourist areas, causing many problems for us! Where are the Nationale Politie when needed?", exclaimed a frustrated local shop owner selling organically grown mood enhancers. 

Strange Sasquatch Beast spotted on Canal Tour Boat! Passengers were close to passing out after the on-the-water olfactory ordeal. 

"A one hour canal tour! It'll be fun, the tour guide said. That's what they promised!", said a tourist from Des Moines, Iowa. "Well, the nasty aromas venting from that Ape-man made it feel like a three hour tour! Yep, that's it... a threeeeee hour tour... excuse me I feel like getting sick!"

The Amsterdam Sasquatch was seen multiple times lurking in the Rembrandt Square
area day and night. "Ya sure, 'dis ape-man liked hanging around here,  you know? Plenty of  leftover fried Dutch fast food, good stale beer, and special gummys stuck on the sidewalk."

The Sasquatch lingered in a shop dedicated to a unique assortment of enhanced chocolates and gummy concoctions. Since none of the products were fried or rancid, the beast lost interest and searched for old soggy Oliebollens. "Oil Balls" in the King's English. 

Eyewitnesses claim the Beast walked into a shop which offers haircuts, tattoos, and whatever. Shocked, the store management pushed the hairy crypto-creature out and locked the door. "

The shop owner was firm in his response to this hairy invastion. "Maak je een grapje? Als we die harige gast een knipbeurt wilden geven, waren we failliet gegaan en was mijn personeel gestopt! Bovendien had die idioot geen geld. Hé, wil je wat tatoeages?" Translation: "Are you kidding me? Trying to give that furred dude a haircut would have bankrupted us, and my staff would quit! Besides, that fool had no money. Hey, you want some tattoos?"

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors of the laid-back and mellow YETI NOT SETI Institute in high-altitude Yuma City, California, was observant. "I observe", opined Holohead, "That Amsterdam is a unique city. You would think a lumbering Sasquatch would stick out like a sore duim, but the reality is the beast blended right in!"

Wonky Washington DC Woes Worsen as Bigfoot Spotted in Capital!

SASQUATCH SPOTTED NEAR NATION'S CAPITAL! FRANTIC SPOTS CLEAN-UP UNDERWAY BEFORE CONGRESS ESCAPES FOR HOLIDAYS!

A seriously lost lobster industry lobbyist caught the Sasquatch on camera near Congress. "Hey, I thought she/he/it/what? was a Senator! Only when I looked at the photo did I realize this creature was a Congressman."

A general but subdued total, complete, and yet underwhelming panic enveloped Washington DC this week after the Bigfoot sightings. As usual Federal security personnel are staying Mum. "We don't talk to no one! Unless some difficult conspiracy theory she/he/it/what? nut issues a Congressional Subpoena, then we'll talk at them but not to them. It's a great game. We deny, they imply! Keeps us all young." 

Sasquatch strolls by the Smithsonian Museum. Primate pandemonium erupted in the Anthropology department, with several senior Ph.D.'s submitting their retirement notices.

The Smithsonian Museum was hit by a Bigfoot walk-by just hours after the Capital Hill sighting. Turmoil erupted in the museum, sparking intense debates on how to treat this overwhelming evidence that North America is home to at least two humanoid (bigfootoid) species! 

A special museum ideology squad quickly pivoted to include Sasquatch into their ongoing narratives attacking politically incorrect aspects of history. "It's obvious these suppressed hairy-enhanced creatures are victims of systemic species-ism, forest imperialism, and greedy corporate fast-foodism scraps.", sniffed a senior DEI HR manager. "Only entitled home sapiens would see otherwise. Flea infestations, public defecations, body stench, food scraps and clouds of flies are part of Sasquatch cultural heritage - - to be embraced! We might propose sending crazy crypto-reactionary humans to reeducation camps - - once we get past the next four unpleasant years. I may move to Canada anyway, at least I keep threatening to?" 

Bigfoot spotted at the Thinking Rabbit Statue. Why Not?

Dr. Karl Blinng, President for Life of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in sparking Yuba City, California, was philosophical about the recent Bigfoot sightings in the nation's capital. "Washington DC is full of career politicians and family members with partial or full Sasquatch ancestry, how else can their behaviors be explained? Drugs? Stupidity? Bribes? Poor Personal Hygiene? Naaaaaah. It all comes down to bigfoots! Until Bigfoot DNA testing becomes mandatory, we'll never know how many congressmen, senators, presidents, supreme court justices, federal reserve officials, dog-catchers and many other federal employees are in fact bigfoots or partial bigfoots. Saints Preserve Us!"