Brazos River Bigfoot Fiend Louses Local Nature Preserve!
Texas is being terrorized by a vandalizing nasty simian brute sighted along the Brazos River, near the formerly sedate town of Richmond.
"Our precious semi-natural wetlands preserve has been smashed and contaminated by a rare
Gigantopithicus Revoltus", said Richmond Mayor Snevylin Smoore, "By the way, we're looking for a new Animal Control Officer. You know anyone? Experience not required. The last guy - - he saw the large foot-prints and amazing excretory piles left behind by that ape-man and fainted!"
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| Sasquatch caught by a remote camera along the Brazos River. It has poor personal hygiene habits. |
Sightings of the creature were captured by remote cameras set up by the local MUD district. "We were looking for idiot teenagers drinking beer and smoking weed", said a MUD manager, "but we never caught 'em, we forgot to put batteries in the cameras. BUT once we figured that part out, these amazing mysterious photos of a Sasquatch beast showed up. We saw his disgusting casual personal toilet habits up close and personal. It was horrible. I'm in therapy now trying to forget it all".
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| "Ah, My Bad!" Brazos River Bigfoot admits to polluting the Hilmar Moore Nature Preserve, located at formerly scenic Fort Bend County MUD 140. |
"On a scale of one to ten, this bigfoot contamination event is a sixteen", said a mysterious visitor wearing a burnt orange biohazard suit in the forbidden zone, "This muck makes Chernobyl look like a cake walk."
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| 'Squatch Cam' Captures Cute Cuddly Selfie Close-up of Bonafide Brazos Ape Beast. |
Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute bored of directors, is convinced there is an
evil bigfoot conspiracy at work - - involving bovines. "You'd think that a 'squatch disaster of this scale would reveal tons of Bigfoot DNA! But there is none to be found. Mysterious men in burnt orange biohazard suits landed in helicopters with long-horn decals and quarantined the area, removing suspect fecal matter, hair, and other nasty Sasquatch evidence. Plausible deniability?
Evil is at work.
EEEEEEVIL!"
"The clues add up. We know that
evil University of Texas at Austin graduate students conducted an illegal and unauthorized rain bomb weather experiment over Texas A&M in College Station last year. They screwed up, of course, and we know that the resulting deluge and flood swamped the Brazos River all the way down to Freeport. We know that numerous obnoxious river critters, including poisonous savage snakes, aggressive alligators, woolly wild hogs, smelly skunks, AND reclusive feral Bigfoots were displaced by the rising water and were forced to seek refuge in the many local Sugar Land area precious planned communities conveniently located 50 feet below the historic flood plain."
"We KNOW these
evil things! But did we know that a typical UT graduate student looks and behaves like a Sasquatch? They DO! Connect the dots! We must all be Texas A&M
Aggies now - - and saw off the horns of
EVIL!".
BEVO's spokespersons refused to comment on this amazing true fake news.
Bigfoot in Texas: Fort Bend County is located on the far southwest side of Planet Houston, a huge orb extending thousands of miles in all directions, especially during rush hour. Numerous Bigfoot sightings along the Brazos River have been reported for years. It's suspected that the wild Sasquatch population is attracted to the area by a string of Whattaburger dumpsters in the area, as rancid french fries are a coveted food item.
Bigfoot spotted at Brazos River - - Texas nature trail shuts down in panic!
Rare Sasquatch Snowstorm in Houston Brings out Bothersome BigFoots!
Sasquatch Terrorizes Brazos River Texas!
