Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sasquatch Spotted in Giant Sequoias. BigFoot Attacks Yosemite Photographer!

BigFoot attack in Yosemite creates panic. The Yosemite Valley becomes touristic ghost-town. Ahwahnee Hotel suffers wave of cancellations as well-heeled tourists flee. 

Yosemite National Park rangers are reeling yet again from yet another nasty incident involving marauding Sasquatches and unsuspecting, naive, tourists. The Yosemite valley remains closed as park employees search park hotels, motels, tents, cars, garbage cans, and large beer coolers for signs of the beastly animal.

"This ain't your average lazy black bear breaking into cabins for old snack food", said Ranger Racine, a 20 year veteran of the park, "Heck no, these Sasquatch types are much more clever, dangerous, and odoriferous, than mere bears. They'll go for anything that smells like junk food. These feral simians will stop at nothing to get it!"
Amazing photograph of the elusive Yosemite Sasquatch,
just seconds before it attacked and robbed.
The Bigfoot assaulted a lost tourist from Martini, California, who visited the famous "Grizzly" Sequoia tree to take a few photographs, "I took about 4 shots. When I decided that was enough, I closed my whisky bottle and proceeded to take few pictures of the tree. I was real hungry after all that work, so I decided to eat a Twinkies double pack to celebrate. I barely took the first twinkie out of the wrapper when this huge hairy ape-man appeared out of the brush, ran and tackled me, and grabbed my twinkies! Luckily I was able to take a photo before the monster mowed me over. The smell from that animal was horrible, like a dead skunk, and the fleas were everywhere."

The traumatized victim is now recovering in a luxury suite in the nearly empty Ahwahnee Hotel, dining on gourmet cheeseburgers and watching animal kingdom reruns, after signing certain legal documents releasing Yosemite park officials from any potential liability associated with the hairy Sasquatch encounter.

Dr. Karl Blinng, the esteemed, deranged, director of the YETI not SETI Institute in nearby Yuba City, California, was very expressive. "THIS is BIG.", he said, spreading out his arms, "I mean, this is REALLY BIG. Oh Yeah. BIG like a SEQUOIA. No, EVEN BIGGER THAN THAT. BIG like a BLUE WHALE. On a SEQUOIA. But BIG with NO WATER, right? I mean BIG AS A SEQUOIA, Only with a BLUE WHALE on TOP to make it BIGGER. But with NO WATER, 'cause that would be DUMB. Yeah, that's how BIG this Bigfoot Spotting REALLY is! It's HUGELY B-B-B-B-BIG!" At that point, Dr. Blinng abruptly stopped the interview when he spotted suspected debt collectors in the audience. Dr. Blinng was quickly hustled back to Institute by his security team before the frustrated gang of creditors could serve any of those pesky subpoenas.

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