Bigfoot Sighting in Germany! Hamburg Hectic from Ape Man Attacks!

Sasquatch Sours Sunday Strolls for Happy Hamburgers!

The City of Hamburg was put on high alert this weekend as random citizens reel from multiple sightings of a rare Bigfoot - - causing mayhem, neurotic dogs, and unprovoked beer drinking in mass quantities. "Hamburg has been horribly hurt.", said the Mayor, Bürgermeister Olaf Scholz, "Heck, Hamburg has been Harried, Hoodwinked, Harrassed, and Humiliated!".

Amazing Bigfoot Sighting along Lake Alster in Hamburg, causing massive
panic amongst terrified yippy yapping little fluffy dogs and irritating honking geese.

Erupting like a sewage spill from the marsh along formerly idyllic Lake Alster, the monster ape-man ran down a hiking trail towards the center of the city, sniffing over-cooked fried Frikadelle downwind and leaving behind dangerous public hygiene emergencies. Several joggers fell victim to these "landmines" and were briefly hospitalized and decontaminated.
"I was terrified!", exclaimed a day-old bratkartoffeln vendor, "the foul beast ran straight to our food fair tents and grabbed any fried junk-food he could stuff in his mouth. Igitt! That poor excuse for an animal grossed me out... I'm only going to fry tofu-flavored pretzels from now on, it's safer. What a hairy, smelly thief! "

Was für eine schreckliche Bestie!
IT CAME FROM THE LAKE! Hamburg invaded by rare Sasquatch intruder.

Top German scientists not involved in rocket research are investigating how this disgusting North American simian made a surprise nasty appearance in Hamburg. Almost-famous German Sasquatch expert, Dr. Pompös von Lächerlich, has a new theory, which he hopes to peddle to Stern magazine: "Das Sasquatch is perhaps not a strange seafarer from Amerika, no? Perhaps he come uninvited from Belgium, Ja? It is a known fact that Belgium has nasty Bigfoots roaming the countryside!"

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors for the YETI NOT SETI Institute in Teutonic Yuba City, California, was hammered by the Sasquatch attacks. "I was hammered! That German beer can really give a good kick! Trying to drink with Brits and keep up with them is impossible. My kidneys have failed. Anyway, I was in horrified Hamburg for a very large global maritime conference when the furry beastie showed up. Major ship exhibitors dragged their smaller boats in a panic to the port to escape town. The conference halls had to be fumigated, twice. Well, I'll have a few more Ein Schlag in die Magengrube – lokale Biere to steady my nerves."